[Crazy Hitch]

I can not undo the emotional damage that I have done to some people

[Crazy Hitch]

[Crazy Hitch]

I really don't like myself right now

[LittleEarthquakes]

Suddenly feeling really sad.

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't want today.

I want tomorrow.

I really don't want today.

I really want tomorrow.

[puzzclar]

Is today done yet? I just want to talk and there is no one to talk too... feeling empty

[Crazy Hitch]

I feel a bit better.

Thanks everyone

Sorry about my venting earlier.

[Crazy Hitch]

- We all make mistakes -

We need to learn to forgive ourselves.



(even who wants to be a Millionaire Question didn't get it right )

[falsememory7]

Not too good - so paranoid, at times. My mood is either empty or suicidal. I'd be lucky if there was every anything else.

[Crazy Hitch]

(((falsememory))) sorry to hear about the paranoia

Hang in there

[puzzclar]

Can I just be done..... can I have some peace.... feeling very tired yet unable to sleep.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Feeling pretty good in my new unit. I've unpacked everything and am keeping it tidy. Im hoping this continues!

[Innsmouth]

OK today. This is the first day my husband has ever went anywhere to hang out without me and I created an FB BPD page instead of sitting around hyperventilating. lol But seriously, a few months ago the anxiety would have damn near killed me. I see my therapist next Thursday...I don't like her much. I've learned more from the doctor who prescribes my Effexor and Buspirone...and Trazadone, then I have from my therapist. I know therapists make notes and review them before sessions, but my therapist always seems like it's the first time she's ever seen me before in her life. And she talks about herself more than we talk about my problems it seems. So, I'm going to keep coming back here regularly again because it was helping before. I haven't been here since March, so hello again and I'm happy this place exists.

[Innsmouth]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

I feel a bit better.

Thanks everyone

Sorry about my venting earlier.

Totally understand how you were feeling.

[Innsmouth]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Feeling alone and like everyone hates me. I'm trying to ignore the feeling, it may not be true. Don't want to say anything stupid that I'm gonna regret later... Just wish someone would talk to me.

From my own personal experience I would say you're right, it's not true. No one hates you, but our loved ones do get agitated with us from time to time. Keep biting that tongue and try to keep your head up!

[Crazy Hitch]

Current thought on my mind:

[Crazy Hitch]

- Good reminder on Focus -

Still trying to find a good Will Smith movie probably going to get around to watching one this weekend.

Found a cool quote of his

[Espresso]

BPD-wise, I've been doing somewhat better, but I've also had this horrible depression for months now. I've been suicidal for years. And now the depression is making the suicidal tendencies worse. When things go wrong (for example, I fight with my husband), all I want to do is kill myself. There's nothing anyone can say to help. People are trying to help, but it's pointless. I'm worthless. I shouldn't be here. I'm numb to everything right now. I'm useless. All I want is relief. All I want is peace. Do these things even exist? I'm so tired of living. So tired...

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Espresso

BPD-wise, I've been doing somewhat better, but I've also had this horrible depression for months now. I've been suicidal for years. And now the depression is making the suicidal tendencies worse. When things go wrong (for example, I fight with my husband), all I want to do is kill myself. There's nothing anyone can say to help. People are trying to help, but it's pointless. I'm worthless. I shouldn't be here. I'm numb to everything right now. I'm useless. All I want is relief. All I want is peace. Do these things even exist? I'm so tired of living. So tired...

I feel those exact same ways, react the same ways. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I can at least offer a

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Let me first apologize for the possibility of a long rambling post.

Tomorrow marks 1 year ago that one chance meeting changed my life for the better. It didn't start out that way though I think my life has significantly improved since then. Here is part of a journal entry from 6.13.14 (Friday the 13th)

>>>Ran into T or rather he ran into me at Trader Joes. This was on Friday the 13th at 4:45. I saw what car he drives. It's a brownish Honda. Do you even understand how horny I am right now? I'm in love with him. The more high I get the more in love I feel. sigh.

So when I saw him he jokes with me a little. He said he was going to reply to my text. I sent him a text this morning. He said he was contemplating his reply. I said I thought maybe he wouldn't reply. He said, "No way."

oh my god.

What happened next he looked at what I had in my basket we discuss the bananas I told him about the orange juice. He asked if I was high. He said, "You are high right now." I said no I'm not. <i didn't think i was> He said, "your eyes are half mast." I said, "I think that's natural now. I'll get high as soon as I leave here though."

Oh my god I can't believe I just ran into him. How lucky. I told him I wanted to see him more he didn't turn me down but reminded me of the cost & said whatever you want.

Don't overthink it.

As I left I made note of which car he drove which I didn't need to do because he pulled up next to me at the traffic light. He said it was good that I knew that cop was on the other side of the hill. I said, "Oh hell yeah." Then he said, "I know why (my husband) didn't care when you went away. He had something he wanted to do when you are away." I said, "really?" He said, "You can go in August." He asked me if he took me & I told him no. He laughed and said, "You know I'm going to have to charge you for this?" Because remember we were sitting at a traffic light. Somehow me being high came up again. And I said yes I'm getting high now. He said well I better watch out for you. Then he sped off.



To cut a ridiculously long story short... This meeting led me to begin to obsess over him again like I had years before. This led me to beginning to stalk him online again. This led me to extreme shame and grief and multiple texts to him. It led to an out of control borderline life. Self injury, suicidal, hate, love, fear, depression, confusion... on and on. In the end I was so suicidal that I made another attempt. It had been maybe 10 years since my last try. After the close call which my H did nothing about I checked myself in the hospital against his wishes and so started the idea of my divorce. I figured if he wouldn't try to get himself help (he needed it too) or go to couples counseling with me then that was it for us. I was yet unable to see I was in an abusive relationship.

So here I am a year later and much happier... but not yet as well as I'd like. It's a slow process but I am glad I realized the significance of tomorrow. Here's how I realized it though. I put in my contacts tonight. It was a year ago that I decided I was crying so much, mostly due to fighting with my husband, that I should just take my contacts out and go with my glasses all the time. Wearing contacts and crying as much as I was became miserable because my eyes were always dry and blurry. I said, "**** it! my life sucks anyway. I'm going with glasses because I don't give a **** anymore."

My T said a few months ago, "Talking to you at the traffic light in our cars... That's what lead to the great collapse. Do you realize what you did? You got rid of (my husband)! I didn't think that would ever happen. Do you hear me? I thought he'd have to kill himself or something for you to be rid of him." I said, "I wanted him to but he wasn't going to so I thought I'd have to do it to escape."

I know that's horrible. I was desperate and in pain. Anyway, I am better for it and I like to think my ex is better now too but I don't know. He hasn't spoken to me since he moved back home in November of last year. I hope he is okay.

If you read this far... Thanks for reading and I hope my story gives someone some hope for their future. My life isn't perfect. Far from it. I'm in less misery at home though. I feel safer and less stress in my life. I'm still very obsessed with my T but I have hope that it will get better though some days, I'm not so sure. Oh one more thing... It's been 3 months since I self injured and 83 days since I got high.

[Bill3]

Oh one more thing... It's been 3 months since I self injured and 83 days since I got high.

I love to read about how well you are doing Achy Turtle Armor!

[Crazy Hitch]

Tired.....

[Britneigh]

So so soooo very stressed. Ugh

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm feeling relaxed today

[Espresso]

We've only been up for five hours and my husband and I have already had multiple arguments. Call me weak and stupid, but I can't handle this much conflict. I think I've done pretty well controlling myself, not letting myself spiral out of control (at least outwardly). That helps not to make things worse, but it doesn't make anything better.