[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

dont know how you feel about me saying this, but i am concerned this woman is using your attraction to her as a game. maybe i am paranoid (ok i know im a paranoid person!) but some of me questions her reasons for leading you on like this. just a thought. hang in there

I agree with you completely. I don't think she knows what kind of person she is messing with though I tried to teach her about bpd. I gave her something to read about a year ago but like most people, she seemed to focus on the suicide and self injury aspects totally missing the relationship issues.

She loves the attention and I think the ladder thing was because she wasn't getting enough attention from me. She told me that she bought some new tops last week and said that they were not low cut when I asked. Yet she still continues to wear her older more showy ones. This is why I am trying to keep it together because my T said that I'm going to get hurt if I'm not careful. She drives me wild though.

Kinda wanna be productive, kinda wanna just curl up and wallow in my sickness while cuddling my dango plushie. I do feel tired, so I may just end up doing the latter.
God, colds suck.

[Lonlin3zz]

There is so much emotional issues in my mind, I am too tired to type even when I am at work. I survived a few thoughts on suicide recently, I'm still clinging onto my life.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I don't know how to get through the night. I'm a mess, I should have stayed in hospital longer.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm not doing so well. I just left work an hour early. I stayed longer than I wanted. I can only guess what is going on with me and I'm not happy about my hunch. My friend didn't "play" with me much today. I wanted more attention. That's just embarrassing to say. I wanted to talk to her and stuff at lunch but she wanted to read. Like everyone who I get attached to, I want more from them than they can or are willing to give. I don't want to say this but I really hate myself. I hate how I make my life more difficult than it should be. I hate that I am so ****ing needy. I don't normally say this but I hate my mom for not giving a **** about me when I was a kid. She is the reason I got so ****ed up in the head and I am the reason I am still suffering. I can't figure out how to do what I've been told to do. So I have to wait and live like this until I get one ****ing hour from my therapist where he tries his hardest to get me to understand what I need to do and if I don't get it I have to wait another 2 weeks. I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I could just drop off the face of the Earth.

Oh and on top of all this...

Possible trigger:

I had a ****ing urge to cut at work. I was actually looking for my blades when I thought, NO! I can't.

[Lonlin3zz]

A random female stranger scolded me for asking people courteous and respond to pm in date sites instead of blue-tick.




So guess what? I'm so attracted to the "fierceness" and at the same time, I visualize myself flipping the table and was gon say she's just a female, she can't do shits to me either. Period.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Possible trigger:

Why am I not cutting? Why should I even care? It doesn't even matter. I've gone 165 days without it, but why? Why do I give a ****? I don't even know. Really.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

You know what? I said, I know this much... I know that I need to get out of my head so I took the girls for a walk. Look what I found!

[BadWolfC]

A couple days ago I had another job interview, got hired on the spot, and ended up working that day and yesterday because they really needed help. I don't dislike it so far. I'm hoping that it'll stay this way so I won't have to quit again...

On the downside, woke up this morning and went on facebook like I usually do and immediately got mad because someone had posted saying that men are basically terrible when it comes to relationships because they give up and don't care enough. I think it made me really mad because most of my friends are men and this obviously doesn't apply to any of them or my fiance. Just because you have a couple bad relationships doesn't mean that all men are terrible, and saying **** like that makes me not want anything to do with you even though I'm a woman. There are lots of bad men out there, sure, but there are plenty of bad women too, and a lot of good on both sides. After being in multiple abusive relationships I didn't say things like that, because I'm not ****ing stupid and understand that it's a problem with the individuals. If men gave up easily and didn't care enough, my fiance would have left me a long time ago. I wish people would grow up and realize that you can't blame everyone for your problems. Ugh, I feel like pulling my hair out.

Sorry for ranting.

Originally Posted by BadWolfC

A couple days ago I had another job interview, got hired on the spot, and ended up working that day and yesterday because they really needed help. I don't dislike it so far. I'm hoping that it'll stay this way so I won't have to quit again...

On the downside, woke up this morning and went on facebook like I usually do and immediately got mad because someone had posted saying that men are basically terrible when it comes to relationships because they give up and don't care enough. I think it made me really mad because most of my friends are men and this obviously doesn't apply to any of them or my fiance. Just because you have a couple bad relationships doesn't mean that all men are terrible, and saying **** like that makes me not want anything to do with you even though I'm a woman. There are lots of bad men out there, sure, but there are plenty of bad women too, and a lot of good on both sides. After being in multiple abusive relationships I didn't say things like that, because I'm not ****ing stupid and understand that it's a problem with the individuals. If men gave up easily and didn't care enough, my fiance would have left me a long time ago. I wish people would grow up and realize that you can't blame everyone for your problems. Ugh, I feel like pulling my hair out.

Sorry for ranting.

Thank you (from a good man) !

I'm so angry. I went to the DMV and told them I don't have the original copy of my birth certificate and they were like "Oh, sorry, we can't take medical records" EVEN THOUGH IT PROVES MY F***ING DATE OF BIRTH AND NAME????? I hate them so f***ing much. I NEED A JOB. I NEED THIS JOB, how am I supposed to get a job without an ID, huh? F*** them. Honestly.
I'm crying so hard right now, ugh.

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[BadWolfC]

Originally Posted by ushichan

I'm so angry. I went to the DMV and told them I don't have the original copy of my birth certificate and they were like "Oh, sorry, we can't take medical records" EVEN THOUGH IT PROVES MY F***ING DATE OF BIRTH AND NAME????? I hate them so f***ing much. I NEED A JOB. I NEED THIS JOB, how am I supposed to get a job without an ID, huh? F*** them. Honestly.
I'm crying so hard right now, ugh.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I had that problem when I had to get a new license a few months ago. I'd never even heard of them needing that before because the place I lived previously didn't require anything like it, just proof of residency. Had to dig through all my stuff and find my passport, which I luckily still had and they accepted.

Hope you can find a way around it, it really is a stupid rule.

[JadeAmethyst]

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I'm stuck thinking about some guy I barely know and will probably never see again, but my mind refuses to let it go even though it's ridiculous.

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

I'm stuck thinking about some guy I barely know and will probably never see again, but my mind refuses to let it go even though it's ridiculous.

It's going to happen to me in about 6 months time when I graduate.

I'm quite worried about never having the chance to see her again, even though it's most likely I am overthinking.

I just can't grasp the concept of " People just come and go ", it doesn't work for me.

[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by Lonlin3zz

It's going to happen to me in about 6 months time when I graduate.

I'm quite worried about never having the chance to see her again, even though it's most likely I am overthinking.

I just can't grasp the concept of " People just come and go ", it doesn't work for me.

It takes a while to fully get it. I blame social media in part for this.

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by crosstobear

It takes a while to fully get it. I blame social media in part for this.

I'm curious about why you refer social media as part of the issues?

[crosstobear]

Originally Posted by Lonlin3zz

I'm curious about why you refer social media as part of the issues?

All this connectivity to people, even just the opportunity to be able to connect with people reduces distance and turns the concept of people coming and going into a thing of the past. Now you can find people on social media- people you last interacted with long ago. Even the possibility of this reality makes it difficult to grasp that concept. In a way, people no longer "come and go" in the sense they used to. Social media is terrible for coming to terms with loss and distance in relationships.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Nothing I love more than crying in front of people. I'm sitting in a waiting room at the neurologist. Crying is unrelated. I'm crying because my inner voice says that I'm a total **** up. I'm in a Borderline state of mind.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

All set to go into a mental health recovery house today because I'm not quite okay enough to stay at home, now that they've said yes I'm freaking out.
I might hate it, I'll hate the other people there. I don't want to end up worse and hiding in my room.
I really don't know what to do.

[Espresso]

Today has been rough. I'm having issues with health insurance which will most likely result in a gap in coverage. The worst thing is not knowing though. If I knew for sure that this was going to happen, I could plan ahead and deal with it. But I don't know and I can't seem to find anyone who can actually tell me. So I've been sitting here thinking, "what do I do? do I cancel all my appointments? wait and see? but waiting is driving me crazy. I need to call someone to figure this out. but who? the insurance people don't seem to know anything." Stupid life.

And then I'm also freaking out because a person who I've been becoming friends with hasn't contacted me in a couple weeks. She was supposed to call me last week, but she's a busy person, and I didn't want to bother her, so today I texted her for the first time in two weeks. No response. Of course, my mind immediately goes to "she's avoiding me, I'm too crazy for her, I've been abandoned, I'm all alone again, I'm a worthless psycho piece of ****," and so on and so forth. I've been trying to find alternate reasons for her absence, but nothing seems as plausible as me being dropped and ignored. Life seems pointless most of the time. And I'm a crazy lunatic who can't make friends and who scares away the ones that are actually friendly.

[BadWolfC]

I don't know if I feel wired today because I'm excited about things or from the lack of sleep I got last night. Could be both. All I know is, I like this but I hate it at the same time. I like being busy, but I hate having no time to myself. I want to cry out of misery, and laugh out of joy at the same time. I feel like I've been really sad for a while, but I was avoiding thinking about it. I didn't realize it until my first therapy appointment yesterday. I just all of a sudden wanted to cry, and it's been at the back of my mind ever since. I don't know why I'm so sad. Most things are good right now... I think I just feel lost.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Espresso

Today has been rough. I'm having issues with health insurance which will most likely result in a gap in coverage. The worst thing is not knowing though. If I knew for sure that this was going to happen, I could plan ahead and deal with it. But I don't know and I can't seem to find anyone who can actually tell me. So I've been sitting here thinking, "what do I do? do I cancel all my appointments? wait and see? but waiting is driving me crazy. I need to call someone to figure this out. but who? the insurance people don't seem to know anything." Stupid life.

And then I'm also freaking out because a person who I've been becoming friends with hasn't contacted me in a couple weeks. She was supposed to call me last week, but she's a busy person, and I didn't want to bother her, so today I texted her for the first time in two weeks. No response. Of course, my mind immediately goes to "she's avoiding me, I'm too crazy for her, I've been abandoned, I'm all alone again, I'm a worthless psycho piece of ****," and so on and so forth. I've been trying to find alternate reasons for her absence, but nothing seems as plausible as me being dropped and ignored. Life seems pointless most of the time. And I'm a crazy lunatic who can't make friends and who scares away the ones that are actually friendly.

I have been feeling similar thoughts about friends lately. It's deal brought me down. if it's ok

My sister's problems are getting way out of hand and going untreated and I don't know how to talk my parents about getting her some help. She's so volatile and refuses to tell the truth about anything; everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie.
That may sound funny coming from me, but at least I never lied about so much, not even when I was younger...

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[crosstobear]

I tried that "moral inventory and making amends" stuff from the 12-Step groups. I urge it for my clients all the time and figured I can't be a hypocrite. So I contacted a girl I used to date in college who I treated terribly due to my immaturity, lack of insight and empathy, and my craziness while being unmedicated. I spilled it out and told her how ashamed I have been for many years. Sucks because for those of us with borderline traits, you know exactly the hell you put people through in relationships. There was so much turmoil between us that she didn't make the GPA cutoff for her medical school and had to change careers, and I had to re-do an entire year of undergrad to repair my grades.

I told her how ashamed and guilty I felt. I asked her if she could forgive me and not take it personally, and that I was in so much pain then and so mired in my own problems that I didn't see the hurt I caused others. I explained to her that I had a suicide attempt last year of college and was resuscitated, and that I had a severe mental illness. She had none of it. I did it for peace of mind, but it kind of hurt to not be forgiven. Now I know why my clients have such a hard time with this step. There's a kind of melancholy serenity and acceptance that comes with realizing just how much of a POS you were.