[Seraphine]

I was wondering if we had a rant thread in here, for when someone or something just gets to be too much and you want to scream.
Yeah I'm kinda having that myself today.

[TryingToMoveForward]

I am not sure....but you might as well vent here! For once...I don't have anything to rant about. I'm too exhausted. Tomorrow might be another story.

[Seraphine]

Stuff it, yep, need to get it out.
Dear bf, you're a real d***. Gambling away my food money. You said I could trust you enough to leave the money at home while I went to the department store. You do not f***ing get the right to dismiss my anger as being not helpful. I have EVERY right to be madder than hell at you! You then complain that I don't trust you with money, and keep bringing up the other many times you have screwed us over, yet you claim your mistrust in me for seeking emotional and sexual fulfillment is more justified? Because mm seeking affection means we don't have food for the kids or ourselves like your gambling does? Because I'm the who gambled the money for registering the car? Seriously? You have no idea how much i hate you half the time. If you did you would leave like your backside was on fire.

[TryingToMoveForward]

Omg. That is AWFUL. I would be absolutely livid too. It sounds like he has a gambling addiction, and honestly, that's just as bad as BPD because its also reckless, compulsive and impulsive. And it causes financial issues. And relationship issues. So if he is hating on you about the BPD, just throw what I said his way.

[Seraphine]

He is never that brazen, but likes to invalidate my feelings because of it. But I'm so at the end of my rope.
Hell, I'm trying to deal with my bpd on my own basically, no therapist, AND mitigate his addictions! I'm back to the point that I can't trust him with any more money than I can afford to lose. Which really is none coming up to Xmas and being on welfare. And when you consider that the most I ever get to buy myself is a block of chocolate and a couple of premixed drinks, yet he will polish off a couple of hundred without a second thought. Rrrrr. Not a happy girl. And I just feel emotionally exhausted from dealing with this almost every week. Plus almost being mugged this week. And now having to fight to keep food on the table. Honestly, people wonder why I dissociate. They wonder why I still get the urges to cut. I'm just. So. Tired. Of it all. This is one of those times when I want to be alone and have a good cry tbh.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

Stuff it, yep, need to get it out.
Dear bf, you're a real d***. Gambling away my food money. You said I could trust you enough to leave the money at home while I went to the department store. You do not f***ing get the right to dismiss my anger as being not helpful. I have EVERY right to be madder than hell at you! You then complain that I don't trust you with money, and keep bringing up the other many times you have screwed us over, yet you claim your mistrust in me for seeking emotional and sexual fulfillment is more justified? Because mm seeking affection means we don't have food for the kids or ourselves like your gambling does? Because I'm the who gambled the money for registering the car? Seriously? You have no idea how much i hate you half the time. If you did you would leave like your backside was on fire.

Are you married? Is he the father of your children? If the answer is no kick him
Out. He is neglecting your children.

[Seraphine]

Not married but might as well be. Been together 14 years now, and yeah he is their dad. I've thought on it often, I'm pretty sure I'm codependent. As one guy says, I've taken the chocolate, for a long time. Porous ego boundaries. But idk what to do. Since my boundaries have been tightening up, life has been even more turbulent.

[TryingToMoveForward]

It doesn't sound like you are very happy in this relationship.

I am unable to give relationship advice, because my longest relationship was 8 months and in an abusive relationship. I fail at relationships. But I can offer a hug, and if you have a therapist try to discuss it with them.

Originally Posted by Seraphine

I was wondering if we had a rant thread in here, for when someone or something just gets to be too much and you want to scream.
Yeah I'm kinda having that myself today.

thanks for this thread.

my rant is, that someone got me a christmas present earlier (a new game), and because i'm having a down day (really depressed), they thought i didn't apreciate it- and started moaning at me saying she'd take it back and all that stuff if i didn't like it

and i'm like, for once, understand my feelings.. yes, i like it. but when you're on the verge of so many things and feeling so bad, what do you want me to do.

jump in circles screaming ho ho ho. seriously.. it gets to me.

[shezbut]

I am nothing. Inconsistent. Pointless. WTH can't my doctors see this already and let me leave??!

[Seraphine]

My tooth ****ing hurts like hell today! I have neglected my dental hygiene for years out of depression, and now am suffering the consequences.

[BadWolfC]

Been in a bad mood since last night... just tired of people being jerks. I don't get it, it really isn't hard to keep your mouth shut and be respectful. I feel like I want to hit something... and I just got called into work, so I'm going to have to pretend to be in a good mood for about 4 hours later tonight... I hope my boss is in a better mood this time, I don't want to snap at anyone out of frustration. I think I need a different job, I don't need the extra stress that this one is causing me. Just going to look for a new one after the holidays I guess... But just have to deal with it until then.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

My tooth ****ing hurts like hell today! I have neglected my dental hygiene for years out of depression, and now am suffering the consequences.

Right there with you. I have a root canal coming up.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I am nothing. Inconsistent. Pointless. WTH can't my doctors see this already and let me leave??!

Shezbut,

Wow, you are in a seriously dark place compared to posts that I've read by you in the past. I'm so sorry about that.

I see you're in Rochester, MN: the short, cold, gray days probably aren't helping a heck of a lot.

Just want you to know that I saw this post, I hear your frustration and pain...and wish I could make it better for you.

Sending you hugs.

[DBTDiva]

I'm mad at myself that I let my rude coworker's behavior get to me - AGAIN. She is so immature and self-involved. She won't look at me when I talk. She is super nice to people that feed her ego and fall all over themselves complimenting her and listening to her talk about her life and her problems (I don't care, that's not what I spend 40 hours here for...) She does a bad job on purpose and our boss ignores every time I complain about her. I try so hard not to let it get to me, I wish everyone could just be civil to each other but she ignores my existence and today I just could not stop it from upsetting me. I feel like I hate her, just trying to get some emotional control back.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

Not married but might as well be. Been together 14 years now, and yeah he is their dad. I've thought on it often, I'm pretty sure I'm codependent. As one guy says, I've taken the chocolate, for a long time. Porous ego boundaries. But idk what to do. Since my boundaries have been tightening up, life has been even more turbulent.

That sucks, and it's so true, when you start upholding boundaries the people that walk all over you HATE it. He sounds like someone that might not need to be in your life anymore.

[shezbut]

My co-worker was just a complete jerk tonight, UGH! It would be awfully nice if our sup could see the difference tonight, but he does not want to lose either of us, so he avoids the issue at hand. Very irritating!

[Seraphine]

Mad as hell at the GP I saw. Went in for something to help me sleep and for when the anxiety gets to be too much, she gives me efexor and diazepam. Good thing I read up on the meds because they shouldn't be mixed, and I'm not signing up for another round of zombification! So so sooooo mad tight now!

[SnowLa]

I'm so mad and scared right now and I don't know where to put all of these emotions. I've been working on getting disability due to some serious physical issues. I've always been the main source of income and while I get LTD from my former employer, it's not enough. The thing is my husband has some serious issues with getting a job. He had one earlier this year, but his boss was a jerk and he lost his job. Now we are at the end of our rope and rather than try to get a job, he just freaks out at me and then goes and hides. I can't take this uncertainty in our lives, not being able to pay the bills and having to explain to the landlord that the rent will be late again. It freaks me out and I alternate between crying and screaming at him to do something. I'm afraid I'm going to have to go back to work, but I've lost my last two jobs because of my health. Sometimes I just want to stand in the middle of the house and scream. I've been thinking about hurting myself again, or just making it all go away. I can't take it any more and he just refuses to do anything.

[TryingToMoveForward]

Friend issues. They all pissed me off. And now I'm just like...okay, they got issues too, and it probably isn't me.

I'm letting go of two of them though. Because they are kind of...dead. And I think we all know it. Its a long story. But I just can't fight with myself other two of these people any more, so they're no longer going to be in my life. Not that I'm going to lash out and whatnot, just quietly disappearing. I barely exist anyway. And I can't force the one to interact with me.

Thursday a guy friend I am on the fence about liking asked if I wanted to hang out today. So last night I texted him last night asking, he said yes. And I ranted about being on register. He never responded. So I sent him a text a couple of hours ago, saying I hadn't heard from him all day but I'm sick anyway so I can't hang out. And no response. So why would you ask someone to hang out with you on a specific day, then not even contact your friend to tell them something came up. I would. I would absolutely apologize and arrange for another day.

I'm pissed. But like..only half pissed because I'm numb and just don't give a ***** about anything anymore. People let me down all the time. Which is fine, but at least...please...at least text me saying you can't. Don't just....just ditch me. You know? I am losing faith in other people. They are so disappointing. I'm sure he'll have an explanation when he does get back to me, but I still went through the day feeling this way.

[BadWolfC]

Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward

Friend issues. They all pissed me off. And now I'm just like...okay, they got issues too, and it probably isn't me.

I'm letting go of two of them though. Because they are kind of...dead. And I think we all know it. Its a long story. But I just can't fight with myself other two of these people any more, so they're no longer going to be in my life. Not that I'm going to lash out and whatnot, just quietly disappearing. I barely exist anyway. And I can't force the one to interact with me.

Thursday a guy friend I am on the fence about liking asked if I wanted to hang out today. So last night I texted him last night asking, he said yes. And I ranted about being on register. He never responded. So I sent him a text a couple of hours ago, saying I hadn't heard from him all day but I'm sick anyway so I can't hang out. And no response. So why would you ask someone to hang out with you on a specific day, then not even contact your friend to tell them something came up. I would. I would absolutely apologize and arrange for another day.

I'm pissed. But like..only half pissed because I'm numb and just don't give a ***** about anything anymore. People let me down all the time. Which is fine, but at least...please...at least text me saying you can't. Don't just....just ditch me. You know? I am losing faith in other people. They are so disappointing. I'm sure he'll have an explanation when he does get back to me, but I still went through the day feeling this way.

I have that issue more often than I'd like. I don't know what it is with people that they can think it's ok to just drop off the face of the earth when you have plans, with no explanation. #1 reason I don't have any friends where I live. It's just too frustrating to deal with.

I hope that your situation improves, and that this friend of yours at least comes up with a good reason for ditching you. People can be immensely frustrating sometimes, but try not to let it get to you. Everyone is suffering on some level, it's just a matter of how well each of us puts on a mask. The problem is that most don't realize it when their actions of self defense hurt people close to them.

[TryingToMoveForward]

People are always so quick to point out my behavior. To put me down. Tell me its in my head or whatever. And I feel like saying, "Lets talk about YOUR behavior, and how its affecting ME." But I never say that. I just bite my tongue, bear it and lie about getting upset at all because I'm non-confrontational. Not only did that friend ditch me today, but a different friend ditched me the other night. She was like, "Oh I am so sorry you're going through this. I will call later." So after work I texted her to let her know I was available and she never responded. And that is pretty much the story of my life right there. If I tell someone I'm going to do something? I. DO. IT. Even if I don't want to. Unless something else comes up. Then I COMMUNICATE my inability to follow through and make different arrangements. Because that's being considerate and courteous. I'm so tired of people being inconsiderate toward me when I go out of my way to be a thoughtful considerate person to other people. And like...get nothing for it. Not that I'm perfect. HELL NO. I am not perfect. But I make the effort because other people are worth it.

Maybe they shouldn't be. Maybe I care too much and I'm too kind. I just get tired of getting burnt, abandoned, ditched, ignored, lied to and used. My emotions came back and I am really angry right now and I don't even care if its irrational. I get tired of people not empathizing with me, or confirming my feelings. Its always, "No. They did it because of this and you're taking it too personal." And its like...WOW I feel like **** and you're telling me I'm taking things too personal with a very judgmental tone? Why can't anyone say, "Wow, I would feel that way too." That would be nice to hear every once in a while. That's what I say to other people, because I know the importance of validation. Instead people...okay family, they put me down. They make it all down on me instead of the person I'm complaining about like I don't have the right to complain at all when something annoys me.

And this is why I barely talk to anyone. I'm not allowed to have feelings. Or problems. Or get pissed and frustrated. Basically if someone else is hurting me, its my fault. Because I tell them to lie to me, and to ditch me. That makes SO much sense when clearly this is evidence of how much that behavior upsets me.

I'm done ranting now.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward

People are always so quick to point out my behavior. To put me down. Tell me its in my head or whatever. And I feel like saying, "Lets talk about YOUR behavior, and how its affecting ME." But I never say that. I just bite my tongue, bear it and lie about getting upset at all because I'm non-confrontational. Not only did that friend ditch me today, but a different friend ditched me the other night. She was like, "Oh I am so sorry you're going through this. I will call later." So after work I texted her to let her know I was available and she never responded. And that is pretty much the story of my life right there. If I tell someone I'm going to do something? I. DO. IT. Even if I don't want to. Unless something else comes up. Then I COMMUNICATE my inability to follow through and make different arrangements. Because that's being considerate and courteous. I'm so tired of people being inconsiderate toward me when I go out of my way to be a thoughtful considerate person to other people. And like...get nothing for it. Not that I'm perfect. HELL NO. I am not perfect. But I make the effort because other people are worth it.

Maybe they shouldn't be. Maybe I care too much and I'm too kind. I just get tired of getting burnt, abandoned, ditched, ignored, lied to and used. My emotions came back and I am really angry right now and I don't even care if its irrational. I get tired of people not empathizing with me, or confirming my feelings. Its always, "No. They did it because of this and you're taking it too personal." And its like...WOW I feel like **** and you're telling me I'm taking things too personal with a very judgmental tone? Why can't anyone say, "Wow, I would feel that way too." That would be nice to hear every once in a while. That's what I say to other people, because I know the importance of validation. Instead people...okay family, they put me down. They make it all down on me instead of the person I'm complaining about like I don't have the right to complain at all when something annoys me.

And this is why I barely talk to anyone. I'm not allowed to have feelings. Or problems. Or get pissed and frustrated. Basically if someone else is hurting me, its my fault. Because I tell them to lie to me, and to ditch me. That makes SO much sense when clearly this is evidence of how much that behavior upsets me.

I'm done ranting now.

I felt exactly like you for years. I would go through almost the exact same experiences. One day I woke up and said with the help of oxycodone I just do not care about people their thoughts their feelings and their actions. I guess the pain just built up to a breaking point and I broke. I am off oxycodone now surgery and pain is done. The attitude however did not go away. I am much happier because no one affects me anymore. I just say I am good I look good I act okay and if someone does not like it oh well everyone has an opinion like they have a nose. It is what it is. Everything is as it should be. Our world is screwed up and there is nothing I can do about it but just live on the earth the best I can and then die when it is my time.

[TryingToMoveForward]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I felt exactly like you for years. I would go through almost the exact same experiences. One day I woke up and said with the help of oxycodone I just do not care about people their thoughts their feelings and their actions. I guess the pain just built up to a breaking point and I broke. I am off oxycodone now surgery and pain is done. The attitude however did not go away. I am much happier because no one affects me anymore. I just say I am good I look good I act okay and if someone does not like it oh well everyone has an opinion like they have a nose. It is what it is. Everything is as it should be. Our world is screwed up and there is nothing I can do about it but just live on the earth the best I can and then die when it is my time.

But doesn't that mean you lose empathy? I've been working hard at being more empathic and understanding. Because empathy is really important. When I was dismissive of other people's feelings I was very self-absorbed and self-indulgant. What is the best way to be? Can I be both? If so, how? I'm tired of people triggering this horrible feelings in me, because then I have to cut them from my life. Then again, they might deserve it.

Really I've just come to realize that the friend who said they would call me? I don't mean HALF as much to her as she does to me. So I'm letting go and moving on. I know she's got some stuff going on, but she doesn't turn to me anyway, so its not like I'm lending a lot of support. I feel like I only exist when its convenient and well, that's not good enough for someone I feel to be a good, valued friend. She doesn't value me and nothing I do is going to change that. I'm starting to invest time with people who do honestly care about me and treat me like I'm a meaningful part of their existence.

[Seraphine]

Maybe that's what you need to do, start saying "well your behavior affects me this way, and you are acting like a hypocrite for ignoring your own behavior while being so keen to point out mine". It might help bring back some respect and improve your own boundaries with them?