This feels like such a threat.....not doing ok

I'm not sure if anyone else has had to deal with this, I'm sure some must have?

Today it became real that my therapist is going to be leaving and it has thrown me in to a real....spiral. I feel so threatened, and all of these emotions surface that I need to keep shoving down so that I can get through it.

Abandonment, rejection, fear....I can't even name what I am feeling. Sick with panic, then nothing. But when I begin to feel....all these memories of other times people have left when I needed them, or when no one was there when I needed them...al those other times of pain.......

I'm not really making much sense right now, sorry. But I am in a mess really and wondering........how do you deal with this.

Also.........it is not ok! I am soo upset, no angry! Sad, hurt, ANGRY! The anger is protective, I know, I was quite rude to my therapist today.......but it protects me a little.

Sorry.........this is just a rant!

I am really new to this but have been with one doc and was to start with another doc for CBT. I had a few daily sessions with him in the hospital, we connected .... then I find that he wont actually be the doc I will see in this next program it will be someone else that I dont know and have not met yet very disappointing trust is such an important thing and not easily given point is i can understand your reaction .... that connection to your therapist runs deep very hard to keep that emotion controlled

i am so sorry that you are having to experience this pain and loss. it must be devastating. if you have never heard of anger referred to as a secondary emotion it is because you have a primary emotion that you dont know how to deal with so you react in anger instead. so you may be feeling loss, abandonment, fear, mistrust......and you dont know how to respond to these so you are acting out in anger instead. perfectly natural and i am sure your t understands. i hope she does something to make the transition easy for you.

Aw I am so sorry JaneC... I remember when my T told me she was transferring me.. It was the first time I was able to show any real emotion, I broke down crying begging her not too... She said this was bringing up abandonment issues (didn't know I had). So I totally get it. What your going through. It's so horrible. So aweful. I left two pleading voicemails afterwards too... After a couple weeks the pain subsided tho I was still upset. I did get a surprise saying she would keep me on (which I am thankful for) but in the process I found another T and you know what, she seems more amazing than the first. We click so much better and I'm really thankful I got that push. I hope transition is relatively easy for you, once you get through the first two weeks the pain should calm down a little.

Rant away, Jane! I know i would be in your situation. Ranting, crying, freezing, freaking out, feeling abandoned and angry and hurt and vulnerable - it's all okay and it all makes sense.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and i hope your T understands how painful and difficult it is for you and is supportive. Can you email him some of the hurt and angry thoughts and feelings? It doesn't matter if what you write doesn't make sense, or if it feels rant-y (if he's a good T, he'll be expecting that) maybe just getting a tiny little bit of it out there, to him, will help to dial it down a notch and give you a little bit of breathing space.

Thinking of you.

Jane, I have been thinking about you all day and this post. I am sorry because this is not a good time for you to experience this challenge. You "have" come far in your ability to trust with this therapist, it was not easy for you either. I find myself upset for you too, you try so hard, and you always have.

That being said, I have seen you gaining though too Jane. Your negative self talk has improved a lot. This post was good because you are allowing yourself to feel and talk about it. The only thing you still need work on (I do this too) is the "sorry". I am challenged that way when I vent too, I always want to say "sorry" after I let it out, even if I let it out aloud by myself.

You are right, it's not "ok" that you are dealing with this challenge either. And "yes" when this happens in some way, it does bring memories about all the other times you needed and was let down, I have had this happen too.

What really needs to happen for you though Jane is to be able to get to the point where you can get to the other side of the challenging emotions of being let down, and see "why" others let you down, and it was not anything "you" did wrong.

I think that you are actually a very brave woman Jane. Ok, you did run, you did, but you always ran towards improving yourself. And, you also ran towards the very thing that hurt you because you know it hurts and you want to do something about it.

You have really needed an adult to help you trust "adults", because you never had that.
You were just getting to that point with this therapist and you are absolutely right, it just is not the right time for that to stop. But, he is not running away from "you" with this situation, it is not the same as the other times, this adult professional had the ability to help you, while the others that let you down did not. It's not your mother, sister, ex husband, none of which had the true capacity to help you when you not only needed it but deserved it.

Jane a lot of people keep themselves at a distance from others, both your mother and sister do that. The reason they do that is because they are "afraid" just like you are. A lot of people don't really know they are "afraid". They just "avoid" and they tend to replace it with something they can manage instead. When you talked about your mother and her needing you to have dishes like hers instead of what you had? That was her being "afraid". People who focus on those kinds of "things" are fearful, they put the "thing" between them and whomever they are keeping at arms length.

I think that what will help you a great deal is not to just revist your hurts or those who let you down so much as to learn the "whys" that these people had that hurt you and made you feel so badly about yourself. Some people with challenges and fears have a very hard time nurturing and comforting others. Children that have a parent or parents like this are made to think that they should not struggle with emotions, and they begin to think badly of themselves when they are challenged with emotions.

When these people reach out for therapy they have a very hard time with finally sharing their hurts. They feel they will be judged badly, they are somehow wrong, a failure or secretly a bad person. They believe this because they have been somehow treated this way when they have struggled in their past. Often they are in many ways told to "ignore" their emotions, even by society sadly.

You know, I have met some very nice people in this forum Jane, and everyone of these individuals struggles because of what I have just discribed, some worse than others. I have not met one person that has not deserved to have an adult listen, comfort them, help them not talk badly to themselves, and finally FEEL and grieve and grow and heal.

If a human child is frightened or has a challenging emotion what does that child do?
That child is supposed to run to mommy and talk and ask why and be comforted and have it explained to them right? Well, if that is not there, how is the child going to learn what to do with hurts and emotions? This is where negative self talk begins and slowly being "afraid of emotions" and slowly beginning to find some kind of repacement method.

So you did connect with a person who understood this challenge and learned "how" Jane. It's not good that he is leaving, no, but you know more now and while I am angry with you for you, I do believe that you are smart enough to slowly apply what you have learned with someone else that is trained to "know how" too. And while you work through all this, you will also be learning "how" too. So, you will be developing new skills so that you don't repeat the very thing that you deserved and failed to get. Also, what will begin to take place is that when you are around these people, instead of stressing and getting triggered, you will know why they are that way and you may even begin to feel sorry for them too.

I would like you to vent like you did above and see you not end it with "sorry". That is hard, I still get that urge myself, but I don't let myself write it if I can help it. But aside from that, I see so much improvement and that tells me you have been learning and trying and gaining.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

I am all over the place. So many different feelings surface, I can't even tell what they all are and what they all mean, they come and go so quickly....unless I keep really really busy.

I tried your suggestion, and I emailed my therapist and asked if I could vent what is going on for me in email to him, and that it may help to talk about it next week. He replied that I could. But something in his email......I don't even know what....felt..... wrong, and I felt myself shutting down. I tried, but I couldn't write, I couldn't get it out!

I am so sorry OE. I wish I hadn't said something to make you feel upset, it really wasn't intentional. I don't want anyone to feel bad because of me.

And, you are right I did run. So I don't see myself as brave...I think that has been weak of me.........I ran to get away from everything in my life. As a young child, I found out last year from mum, I would leave the house and they couldn't find me all day. I was always hiding away from spending time with the family.
As an a teenager I would hide in different ways, find other things to do to lose myself from the reality of my life. I started using alcohol for that then.
I ran from my first husband when it became to hard. I ended up running to the other side of the world.....I left my home country for 10 years.....
Always running, travelling, moving.....bad situations happening often, I was so unsafe with myself......

Anyway......yes, I kept running most of my life. It is my default setting unless I freeze in those moments of intense trauma.

I froze when my therapist told me he was applying for a job, to leave. I froze. And the voice in my head was yelling at me......RUN. GET UP, RUN OUT THE DOOR, GO, RUN!

And I couldn't.........just like all those other times. I stayed and let it happen.

Ugh.....this is too much, this is where I find myself unable to breathe, like someone is sitting on my chest, tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm not sure I can do this, I really don't want to work through this pain, I am not ready. I just want to not be around.

I don't want these suicidal thoughts that come at me. I don't want this.

Jane, well done on checking in with T. Now you know you can vent, but that doesn't mean you have to so there's no pressure to do it or not do it. It just means the opportunity is there to do it if at some point(s) over the week it feels helpful.

Perhaps start an email, save it as a draft and then put stuff in it as it comes up. It doesn't have to have any kind of structure or theme. And you don't have to decide now when to send it, or even if you'll send it. It's simply about knowing you have somewhere to put some of the thoughts and feelings.

Sending hugs and support your way.

Oh ((Jane)), no need to appologize to me, you have not done anything to hurt me at all. I am just sitting with you, understanding how you feel. I am also trying to help you grab on to some more postive thoughts about yourself, while the emotions surface. However, I also know that often they just come up whatever way they come up and I have learned to let what comes up to come out and then after the cycle just to quiety examine whatever comes out.

Now, when you talk about "yes I did run", that doesn't mean weakness, it is how we create a distance from something that is hurting us in some way. I ran too, it doesn't mean I was not brave, it means I was afraid. And that is what human beings are designed to do when they are afraid and feel threatened, it's instinct to create a distance from any threat as that allows for a sense of safety. This is also a way of how we stay connected to our body too.

You know what Jane? When I witnessed my neighbor's dog doing what it was doing that caused so much damage, I stood there "frozen". I looked back on that experience so many times thinking about what I could have done, should have done and have anger and self resentment that I just stood there frozen instead. "Freeze" doesn't mean weakness or stupidity, it just means that a person is taken by surprise so much that they go into a state of mind that freezes them from reacting. The hardest thing for me is being asked why I did not do this or that by lawyers or anyone because it takes me back to that moment and I don't know what to say, I am again Frozen and I feel like I am a bad person because I froze. Fight and flight memories are not nearly as hard as the "frozen" ones to talk about. When I did my deposition I had no one there "for me", at time I did not even have a therapist. My attoney needed to take from my deposition and give a long disertation about how he is not a bad Jew. That took place right at the point where I was trying to explain what happened and praying inside that I did not slip into a flashback. What he did shocked and embarassed me and I sat there frozen. I think you would have to see it to understand how utterly creepy it was Jane. And when he finally stopped and I was given permission to continue, I did slip into a flashback and all I can say is I was so embarrassed and everyone was looking at me and I could not talk or get out of it. The reality of that situation is that I was in a room with an attorney who's goal was to find a way for the insurance company she was representing to get out of paying for damages. She plays a role of being very nice to gain my trust, one can read about this and it is part of learning about what happens in a deposition too. I have to say she did a good job at that because I did like her. And "my" attorney was declining into dementia and his need to stop the deposition and give long disertations about himself was part of his demented need to review his identity to this lawyer who did not care but managed to be polite.

Abandonment? Yes, I did not have anyone to help me in that situation. I did freeze and flight and I look back and wish I had done "fight", but I really did not know how. Jane, am I failure or a bad person? It has been over 7 years and it has been over 4 years since that deposition and I have not been able to "finish" being deposed or telling my story. My lawyer kept getting worse and kept forgetting scheduled depositons, even though I literally begged him to please remember and get it finished, he still forgot because he was too busy in his own little world of dementia. And I called so many different attorneys to try to get help and because my lawyer was so well known, no one would help me. I got so bad, extremely suicidal that I had to let go of that and concentrate on therapy. My therapist did not realize the true reality of my sitution either. It finally got so bad that it was obvious and my therapist felt bad that all the time he was helping he did not realize the gravity of it.

Oh, I did not mean to put so much about myself here (feeling and wanting to say sorry). I guess it's my way of saying how very much I do know what abandonment feels like. I think it's just my way of letting you know that I know how it feels when these challenging emotions come forward, especially that feeling of failure. I think that the Bravery, comes the most in "talking about a hurt as I have just done". I think it is "brave" because I know how hard it is to talk about a deep hurt and trust that someone might hear it and provide the right kind of comfort. I am not asking you to do that for me either. Instead I just want you to see my hurt and think about how I may self blame and should not and in turn see how you may do the same and should not. It has taken me a while to realize that when my own guilt of not reacting and freezing surfaces, that they just need to surface and once that happens, I can then slowly learn how to be kinder to myself instead of self blaming.

I think it is important that when we try to recall and talk about a trauma, we are standing at a point where we can see an end result and think about things we could have done differently. Yes, it is very easy to be angry at self for whatever we did not do too. I was not only angry with myself, but I was also angry at how others seemed to consistently react poorly whenever I tried to talk about it. I think that for me the frustration that has been consistent is how very hard it has been to articulate how very challenging this experience really is. I would have to say that my own self anger is definitely connected to the struggle of trying to put it into words that can give it the meaning that others can understand. And what I have noticed is that it is this same challenge that I have recognized in every other person I have come across that also struggles with PTSD/trauma too.

So, when I say I hurt "with you", it is not anything you are doing wrong or to me. I am just sitting "with you" understanding and trying my best to help you not feel so alone because I do know what that feels like very intimately. I am trying to share the journey towards healing "with you" and I do know the challenge. I just wish I could sit "with you" in person. I am trying to do it spiritually as best as I can through my words, even though it is a challenge to find just the right words.

((((Jane))))

I wish I had something helpful to say, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you at least. It sounds so hard to deal with, but I think you've done well to write it all down. I hope that you find your way through it ok.


Bluegrey

"And I couldn't.........just like all those other times. I stayed and let it happen. " quote JaneC

((Jane)), you did not "let" this happen, you just did not have an immediate response to it, it came as a surprise to you.

Also, the fact that this happened, has brought forward some challenges you have had and you are actually doing a really good job at articulating it too. That "is" making progress even though it doesn't feel like it.

"Anyway......yes, I kept running most of my life. It is my default setting unless I freeze in those moments of intense trauma." quote Jane

This is a normal human "default button" Jane, we are designed to do this and it is crucial to our survival. It is also a sign of intelligence believe it or not because it is better to run and create space from then be trapped and controlled by something that is hurtful.

"I'm not really making much sense right now, sorry. But I am in a mess really and wondering........how do you deal with this." quote JaneC

Actually Jane, you "are" making sense, everything you have written makes sense. What I have heard from you a lot is that you have been in some challenging situations and you did not have others around you that had the capacity to help you understand and teach you what to do with certain emotional challenges. Abandonment doesn't mean a person isn't worthy, or a child isn't worthy, it means that the people that are in the child's environment or is interacting with, don't know "how" to listen, comfort, validate.
And a lot of people are actually "afraid" to do it because to comfort and validate means they have to "empathize" which means get in touch with their own "hurts".

That is why I pointed out the behavior patterns in your mother, and your sister too. These two women are uncomfortable with filling these needs because they don't "know how" and because of that they have found ways to put "things" in place to create a distance from. What you have done is decide their faults and lacks mean you are unworthy. This is what results from not having a parent or an adult that has the ability to "comfort and nurture".

Now, your own son is a good child, and you "do" nurture him and love him, I can see that whenever you talk about him. The reason he was "able" to be thoughtful and think about "your needs" by giving you his stuffed animal to cuddle with is because he is developing his understanding of how to "care, comfort, and empathize". He would not know how to do that had you not been a good and caring mother and nurtured and gave him permission to have emotions. If you did not nurture him the way you do, he would be afraid of "caring" and may even get frustrated inside because of this fear and confusion.

When I told you I hurt for you and was angry for you, you responded with "sorry". You felt that you were imposing on me because I empathized for you. That is what you have been taught and it certainly is "not your fault" Jane. Your internal challenge is that of feeling guilt for needing. Trauma work is not about being forced to recall the bad that happened with others in our life Jane. It is slowly finally sharing whatever is there with someone who understands how to see the "whys" and "the hurt and void created by whatever is there" and to help the person finally understand whatever is there, whatever they lost from it, and finally be given permission to feel and "mourn" whatever happened that hurt them.

A therapist is a person who is trained to understand "how" Jane. Someone who struggles with PTSD,complex PTSD, Borderline is a person searching for a rescuer, and a rescuer is a person who has the ability to "listen, be a witness to whatever happened, and help the person struggling to finally be comforted and grieve" because that person honestly doesn't know "how to do that" and most of these individuals did not have someone come into their life that helped them understand how to understand their emotions and what to do when others "hurt us". "Hurt people hurt other people".

People tear other people down because they feel torn down, people ignore others because they have been ignored, people are mean because others have been mean to them. People even decide to get angry and take it because they never had it and grow to believe that is the only way they will get or gain.

When we come across others who "don't know how", it is normal to be confused about that other person. We cannot self blame if others in our life path "don't know how" Jane. Every person we come across in our lives will have something they do not know how to do. People who don't know how have all kinds of ways they develop to "avoid" Jane too. What does help a lot is to learn how to observe others in a way where you can identify the things they "do not know how to do" and understand this is something about "them" and not you. This is what a good "nurturer" is supposed to help us learn. However, Jane, if that person/parent/adult role model doesn't know that, then the child that depends on them can struggle too. This is what "it is not your fault" really means ((Jane)).

"I don't want these suicidal thoughts that come at me. I don't want this." quote JaneC

When someone is hurting badly and very confused they can experience these thoughts.
These thoughts begin to lesson as a person slowly begins to learn to slowly release, talk, feel, and gradually learn and heal.

((Jane)), you really "have" made some important gains on your healing. This therapist is "not" Abandoning you, even though your life experiences of not having a person who "knows how" come into your life (however there have been "some" if you think about it). You have made progress and you "can" continue to keep doing so too. You "can" choose to understand what you are now looking for that can help you to keep gaining. You can also find help in your healing in other ways until you find another person who has learned "how". As you are on this path of learning gaining and healing, it is important to pay attention to your "self talk" because it really does let you know when you are turning "blame" inwards which is something you have to learn how "not" to do.

The truth is that the world is full of human beings that have "I don't know hows" in them. Everyone has the experience of coming across another person who can surprise them with a statement or behavior that they may not "know how" to react to right away.
This site alone is expressing that constantly. It's very human to "not know how", and it's ok to "learn how" as we each experience "life".

(((Encouraging Hugs)))
OE

Thank you OE

You are very kind to spend so much time to write to me, and I appreciate it immensely. Your insights are valid for me in so many ways.

I'm sorry, but I seem to have lost my ability to write or communicate properly right now....I can't express whats going on for me.....I am quite numb......emotionally....

But thank you....again...soo much

That is ok (((Jane))), I can understand that, been there myself, so I hear you.
"One day at a time", and some days one needs to just go very easy as there is little energy to sort it out or talk about it.

((Gentle Caring Hugs)))
OE

Jane, my T calls it being "Flooded". It is a PTSD symptom when an even triggers us all feelings and emotions from similiar events in our lives come flooding in. It sets off the flight, fight or freeze response. We can become desperate to escape these feelings and do things that are harmful or leave a path of destruction. Of course there is a spectrum and evryone is different.

Just bawling my eyes out......unable to sleep. Then the emotion is switched off like a light has been turned off........because of the answer to the following thoughts........

Why have they all left me, why him too............the answer (which stopped the tears and emotion instantly)......because you are not worth it.

I am not worth it.........nothing........

((Jane)), it "feels that way" but remember, just because it feels that way doesn't really mean you are not worthy.

Jane, I think you're worth it.

how are you doing Jane?