Triggers

The appointment fell through, so embarrassing. I had emailed the other Katherine in this practice and scheduled with her instead of the Catherine I had been talking with. If the anxiety wasn't high enough already....... So , hopefully I emailed the right one this time and waiting to hear back from her. But......when I sent that email to the right one it disappeared, it wasn't in the sent box. So I resent it again

It's ok, be patient with yourself with this. One day at a time, you made the effort, see how that goes and if you did get the right one, it's ok to make mistakes.

((Hugs))
OE

Thanks I'm trying as Dad's BD draws near my hear is beating out of my chest, the anticipation is always worse than the day.

Yes, anticipation anxiety is a challenge that does happen with PTSD. Most people experience it on aniversaries and holidays especially. It is good that you are recognizing it, that is the first step towards learning how to slowly make choices in planning your own private way of overcoming it.

You remember how you said "I don't know where to begin" when you talked about therapy and talking about your past? I suggested talking about this part first because it is the trauma that tipped you over the edge to where you are struggling as you are now.

Well, what it ususally boils down to is "loss of control" in a given scenario. A lot of anxiety is about "how is self going to handle something" because "self somehow failed to control when a trauma took place".

Also in many cases what it also boils down to for many people is how they could not figure out how to control/protect/ defend against others. With you, this seems to be an ongoing challenge because you gravitated towards participating in doing things that had to do with just that "protecting and defending against and controlling others".

One of the biggest challenges about your father's BD, is not about the actual birthday at all now is it? No, it is about recognizing him, his life, which is what now hurts you badly because of how he chose to end it. For someone like you who invested a lot of your time "protecting and defending the lives of others", this was one situation you never expected to face, not you, because you were supposed to be able to "prevent" things like that right? And no one could possibly know how very much this has affected you on such a deep level, and the last thing you want is some kind of "just deal" comment or ANYTHING that implies that response. That is one of the big roots to PTSD anger. Well, having some therapist or team tell you "you are not ready" for therapy is SUCH AN INSULT and to be honest with you, it is also cruel too because if a person REALLY KNOWS ABOUT AND UNDERSTANDS PTSD, they NEVER say something like that to ANY patient. Well, right now you don't know that, not YET, because when you do realize it, you are the kind of individual that will want to "protect and defend" in a very different way.

Trace, you know why I am here typing this to you? Because I DO KNOW where you are and I can tell you without a doubt, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You know, it's bad enough that a person experiences a trauma where they did not have any control, but to then experience PTSD where they are faced with an internal battle they don't understand and feel they have no control over is EVEN HARDER. And if a person doesn't get the right help from a PROFESSIONAL that understands this, it only makes it even worse. Well, I know all about that myself, because I HAVE EXPERIENCED IT FIRST HAND. Well, that is not your fault either, but it sure does add insult to injury and at a time when that is the last thing someone struggling with PTSD needs to experience "lack of support/help/understanding and desperately needs A RESCUER." And that is where the "complex" comes in for an individual. That is when all the crap that got put on a shelf somewhere in our mind comes into play and begins to present itself, it represents all the individual's history where something happened to them where they had no control or skills to "self protect". And the challenging part to that is that these experiences are stored in such a way where it is at the age and experience level the individual happened to be.

Trace, EVERYONE has that shelf though, and EVERYONE develops ways to protect whatever is on that shelf too. Most if not all human beings actually practice disassociation too, it's how we are designed to survive and thrive. We all have life experiences that we did not know how to deal with, so we end up storing whatever it is on a shelf in our mind and that shelf often has very little "language to it". What "is" in that particular life experience is "freeze" because what had happened is at the time there was often "no knowledge or life skills" to even understand what the experience meant.

Another way to think about it is having some kind of multiple choice test. Well, when we come across a question that we don't understand or have any real answer for, what do we do? We learn to skip it and move to the next question and try to answer as many questions as we can in the time we are allowed to do the test. What we learn to do is get as many questions answered as we can and if we have extra time we can go back and see if any of the questions we skipped can be figured out and answered. Well, that is what people actually learn how to do, they move forward in life and when they don't really have an answer for something they learn to "skip it" and do their best to keep going forward to answer whatever questions they "can" answer. So, everyone learns to push aside things they don't "know" how to answer and DISASSOCIATES from them. This is how we are designed to be so we survive and thrive. However, when a major trauma happens we are driven to want to not only pay attention to it and focus on learning about it, but to also sound and 'ALARM" so we inform others about it.

Trace, you have not had a chance or help with finding your way to grieve what you experienced with your father. Somehow, inside you, you need to find your way to learn that what he did was "his choice" and you just did not know he was going to make that choice. This is a VERY hard challenge, especially for someone like you where you have done a lot of things in your life that are really about "protect and defend". But Trace, this is not only a challenge YOU HAVE. Every day there are individuals that are trying to learn about WHY individuals do what he chose to do. Every day someone is studying "depression" and what creates it and how to help people who struggle with it. Also, you are a fighter, you always have been too, so for someone like you this is especially challenging to understand.

However, you have a challenge going on with yourself, a challenge you don't understand "yet" either. Well, you "can" learn to understand it better, it's will take time, but it's doable. PTSD is an injury and it takes time for everyone who struggles with it to understand what it means and how to slowly see whatever it is in them that contributed to that "injury". When I talk about having PATIENCE, what I mean by that is slowly learning how to understand your own personal "triggers", often a person really doesn't actually KNOW what these really are or even how to articulate them. You need to learn to wait out triggers because they "do" all mean something, they are all coming from your own personal injury and whatever you "did not know" how to fix that is on that shelf that you did not really know you had, that NO ONE really knows they have though either. Once you begin to slowly see whatever is there and the general pattern that is "your own pattern" of how you managed to survive and thrive in "spite of", you will slowly learn to recognize that you actually did a pretty damn good job at surviving "in spite of". You were never perfect, but the truth is NO ONE EVER IS. Well, it's ok to NOT BE PERFECT, Tracy, but you have to find your own way to settle into accepting that you are not perfect and giving yourself some slack, yet at the same time allowing yourself to continue to learn and grow in your life too. And slowly also learn to understand that with your father, it was not your fault that you did not know he was going to make the choice he made. If he had the ability to talk to you, he would tell you that too. That is what you need to get to in your own mind when it comes to his BD too. Well, there is no "just" to that, it's a process and that part is included in "our mourning and grieving", and that is something each person does differently too.

So in the healing process, again we do learn how to resume doing our best to find our way to pass over the questions we cannot answer, and move on to the ones we can and not to "be ashamed of or self punish for or stress over" whatever ones we may not have the answers to as well. Life itself is very "humbling" and all we can really do, is our best to live each day, "one day at a time", and keep learning and growing and gaining, but also do our best to appreciate what we can too.

((Hugs))
OE

You know what Trace? Each human being slowly develops their own unique universe as they grow and develop as an individual. Each and every one of us develops according to whatever we are exposed to including what we see, so in that alone we are all unique and cannot be duplicated. The truth is we really are just animals, however, we happen to be the most intelligent animals on this planet. There are a lot of things that we do that animals do though, and that is we are born and are designed to imprint and follow some kind of path of survival. That being said, we also do have our own unique genetic design that comes from our family line too. If you take some time and go to someplace where you can just sit and observe other human beings, it becomes very clear how very much we really "are" all unique in a physical way too. Truth is, "everything" in nature is that way. The only things that are the same as much as they can be the same are the things that are man made.

Now, when it comes to your father and you, while you did grew up around him, and you did know him in "your way", you still did not really know all of him. Your father developed into who he was based on all that "he" was exposed to growing and developing as a person, so there is no way you could have known "all" of him because you did not experience "his world and everything that went into that world in him". And in his private world he had that shelf too, because EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS THAT SHELF of experiences they did not know what to do about or have the skills to control or understand. Also, most if not all human beings don't really know how to talk about that private shelf either.

You say you knew your father was depressed, however, there was really no way you were going to really understand his personal history that is involved in that depression.
Also, when it comes to depression, there can be several factors that are included in that challenge that we are trying to learn about, some of it has to do with hormones, and health, and how an individual manages "stress" too. So, there was really no way you could have understood exactly what he was dealing with where he came to the choice he made. You are not alone with "wanting" to know though because there are studies going on all the time in an effort to understand it.

A child tends to "unknowingly" look to a parent for an example, we are all designed that way, can't help it. However, we also have to learn that we can view our parents in whatever way they managed their lives and do better too. We are actually designed to do just that as well, the evidence of that is in everything you see around you and how different it is compared to what our parents had to use as they lived their lives. One thing we are always doing is creating new technology, we have been doing that since the beginning too. At the same time we have also been trying to learn about ourselves too, there are now so many written words from countless individuals that have shared whatever they have figured out for us to read. So, if you think your challenges are unique, think again because others have had similar life challenges, spent time thinking about these challenges and made it a point to learn about them and write about them. PTSD and what is called "complex" PTSD has been a challenge in humanity probably since the beginning. Most human beings are affected by some kind of MI during their life time did you know that? Many/a high percentage of, human beings experience some kind of depression during their life time too. What we have been learning is how differently it affects women compared to men because they are designed differently. We have been slowly learning "how" men experience stress and try to manage it, sometimes not very well, but often don't ask for help because they often feel that means they are weak and they can't be "weak". Well, often they struggle really bad, and hide it, and we are now learning "how" to help them so they can learn to manage it better. Well, if this is really fairly new, then how are "you" supposed to know more than that? Well, you can't blame yourself for not knowing, because MOST don't know and there really has been a huge effort to understand it because of just that.

That being said, while this is a part of your own personal challenge, it is a "different than your challenge", and that is important for you to understand. What I mean by that is that while you had a closeness with your father, you are still two separate unique individuals too. Some individuals wonder "am I going to end up like him?", the answer is NO, because while you did know him, you are still a separate individual and can actually have "more advantage" than him, and you always did have that, it's important to remember that.

When we lose someone we are close to, it is very hard to learn "how" to live our lives without that presence in our lives, it's hard for everyone to figure that out, it is hard for anyone to figure out how to adjust to anything we get accustomed to living with that for some reason suddenly is not "there". The ONLY way we can learn to do this, is by learning to live our lives "gradually" without whatever has been changed. We never forget something lost, however, what we do learn is how to slowly live without whatever it is.

God grant me the knowledge to accept the things I cannot change, and to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference between the two. That is what we need to keep in our mind each day as we do this thing called "life".

You cannot change what took place, and it is going to take you time to accept that and slowly heal and keep on, and you CAN slowly learn how Trace.

Trace,

I just wanted to say Yay! I am so happy you got up the courage to contact the new T. I know how hard that is for you, and I am so glad to hear you did. I hope you hear from her soon.

Dad's birthday is here.

You can do this Trace14.

i hope you find your t.

I think a good way to honor him is to remember the good things about him that you appreciated. Perhaps spend some quiet time and light a candle and talk to him about the positive things you experienced with him. That is what people like to know, it brings them an inner sense of peace and calm.

I believe we have a spirit that lives on and what we can do to help that spirit be at peace is to let that person hear what we loved about them.

I never know my triggers until something happens.

**************************TRIGGER******************************


Yesterday I was at a festival and went to leave. Some stupid old time cannon was fired. The first one just scared me. I had to walk past it to go to my car as I wanted to go home (feeling depressed.) It went off two more times and triggered me. I heard the cannon and I knew that's what the shot was but in my mind I saw my stepmom shooting guns. I got scared and anxious. Last time I had flashbacks it lasted for like 3 days but luckily this time I was calmed down in 15 minutes or so. I think its because this time I actually knew where it was coming from. I was aware and that helped.

I hate that Im like this. Shed be happy if she knew.

Im so sorry. I know how hard to it is to go through Dads birthday without him. I wish you peace. *hugs*

How are you doing Trace?

Thinking of you Trace, wondering where you are...
I'm a bit worried, it has been several days since we have heard from you, especially during these hard anniversaries. I hope you are okay.

Sorry to concern you Creative Tofu, a lot going on and I needed a break from the computer. Thanks everyone for the comments posted while I was away from the computer.

Now Father's Day is here......

Yes, this is another challenge for you. (((Comforting Hugs))), allow this day to pass and do your best to remember the positives about your father.

I'm trying, it's just a roller coaster of emotions though. Even trying to remember good times takes me back to the day I found him.

Yes, I am not surprised that happens ((Trace)), try talking yourself "slowly" through that part. "Yes, I know that did happen, it was a very hard experience for me too. I don't like it, but it was "his" choice and all I can do is my best to respect that choice and pray for him to be at peace now." Trace, you can choose to take some time quietly and talk to him and tell him you love him and that you are having a hard time with that part.

((Trace)), it is normal to have a lot of emotions, grieving is not a quick process, especially with your father's final choice. But that is not all of him, he has shared things with you that are good too. It is hard to see that through the PTSD lense.

((Hugs))

So yesterday an announcement was made that the company I work for was going to cut many jobs, we lost 65 in our department. Which there was not enough people (staff) there anyway to take care of all the people in the Emergency room. So many friends and co workers are devastated by this. It's like having multiple deaths in the family and is very overwhelming for me. That sense of not being able to do anything for them or help them.........like it was with Dad. Hardly slept last night, still crying off and on today.

Been a while since I've been here and things look a lot different. Sadly a lot of new names. Hello to everyone. I'm still struggling with triggers but learning more about them and how I react to them. They still catch me off guard usually, then I draw inward to myself for 2-3 days, not wanting to see or talk to anyone, or even get out of the bed. Then after the 3rd day seems like I go into a different phase, like a trigger hangover being in a fog. I guess trying to figure out what the heck happened over the past few days. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? So the company I worked for finally terminated me. It was much harder than I thought, even though I was expecting it. It seemed to trigger the abandonment issues. SO I went through 3 days, started coming out of it. I had a lot of messages on my answering machine from not talking to anyone so I started listening and erasing them. I accidently erased Dad's last message to me before his suicide. My heart fell to my feet. There's no way of getting it back. I had listened to it almost everyday for over two years and now it's gone. I'm devastated. I guess I have never had two triggers so close. But I am wiped out on all levels.

The triggers. Now that you mention it sometimes my triggers so stupid and ensue the biggest arguments. But the situation that caused the trauma in the first place wasn't stupid at all.

((((((((Trace))))))))),

I am so sorry you have had two big triggers like that, and they "were" big. I can relate to having a cycle after a trigger exactly the way you are discribing. For myself depending on the trigger, I can be down one day or three and I have had the fog too.

Trace, you are still grieving the loss of your father, so sorry you lost his last message like that. But you know what? Perhaps you listening to it as you say was adding to your grief and ptsd challenge. Maybe you can slowly settle down with that and think about it as finally allowing yourself to let that part of his loss go finally, but, I understand how that can take you time to do. I also understand how that alone will need to be grieved in your own way.

As far as work is concerned, it sounds like for those left there will be more stress because they have to make up for the lack of people that covered the work now being added to their work load.

One thing I have noticed about PTSD is that any "change" is hard to deal with. I think that is because of how trauma deeply disturbs the subconscious mind that gets so used to knowing where everything is in our lives. I think that your feeling abandoned about losing your job, even though you knew it was coming, is attached to the way you felt about the loss of your father.

I know that when I experience a cycle, I remind myself to be patient with it. My therapist helped me a lot when he explained it like a wave that comes in, hits me, and slowly receeds.

You have two important things that you need to be patient with until they settle. As hard as it can be, try to take walks. A walk can help to clear the mind, there have been some great men that solved a lot of problems, found solutions that did so because they took walks as part of their routine.

((Gentle caring Hugs)))
OE

Hello ((((OE)))) I see you have gotten even wiser since I've been gone. Hope things are well with you. It has been hard, like the life has been drained from me. I've been talking to an online counselor and she's pretty good. Had to stop my reg. T due to my insurance being stopped. So now I will try to get in with the VA to get treatment. I hate all this paperwork and things to do. Have actually thought about assigning a power of attorney to take care of all that for me. It's just too overwhelming. Anyway,.... good to hear from you. You sound in good spirits

For awhile it seemed like everything was trigger. But today I had to deal with a set of triggers - talking to insurnace, realizing I might lose my coverage, and also discovering I'm behind on paying bills and will run out of money things get paid.

Currently I'm not working and dependent on my parents (I'm in my 40s), I moved (to have a support system...didn't previously). Just started seeing a new therapist and ahven't hooked up with a pdoc yet.

Tomorrow I have to call insurance again (trigger) AND call and cancel my appointment iwth my GP on Monday (due to weather) but try and reschedule so I can get my Klonopin refilled before it runs out ( fear of not having medication - trigger).

I'm still upset and crying off and on because of this and I don't know how I'll handle things tomorrow. I'm trying to use the skills I know but I keep wanting to fall into bad patterns (spend money, eat, etc) and I keep thinking about self harm but I wouldn't act on anything. Well I did fall back to biting the backs of my hands, but that's not as bad as what I was thinking about.