Break through?

I think, I might just have experienced a bit of a break through. It came as a result of a bit of a T rupture.

It involved me taking a huge leap of faith, which was fairly terrifying, but now, I feel as if my relationship with T has changed. Like a cloud has been lifted, a curtain pulled back. I can see things so differently.

It's not just a change in thought, but a difference I can't really find words for.

Hoping it's not just temporary, but if it is, I hope I can hold on to the fact that things can be different.

How exciting and wonderful. I hope it's not temporary too!

((((( Soup )))))

congratulations

I love when epiphanies happen like that.For me,once they happen then things really do change for the good.

Congrats.

Thanks for this post and this thread! I sincerely hope for each person that things really do change for the good.

((((( Soup ))))))

At risk of repeating myself, thank you for being one of the kindest and most empathic people on pc

So the forever ending roller coaster with T.....T is suggesting to me, to take an even bigger leap of faith. To consider talking about the stuff, I have managed to avoid talking about.

Rationally, I know this is probably a good thing, just need to find a way of getting over the sheer terror.

I try to tell myself, that it will be ok. I practice saying it out loud in my head and then panic.

It all feels so ridiculous. I know I am safe, but can't shake those feelings.

So you are going to keep seeing the T? Oooo talking about trauma is hard. Not sure if you read anything on my PE Therapy post but it was quiet the experience for me. It was very hard to talk about it, eyes closed, telling the story in detail, to a stranger. I think having my eyes closed helped though so I wouldn't be looking for a reaction from the T. If I had seen she was shocked, or crying or something I may have stopped talking about it. Telling this story was being recorded on my own recorder. And I had to listen to it once daily. It did get easier to listen to, but that was partly because I was emotionally numbing while listening to it. I only really connected to it when I had my eyes closed telling the story in detail, very detail. My point is maybe you could try that. Tell about the trauma in your own safe place and record it. Maybe that would make it easier to talk about it later. It will be hard, but it's also be a big accomplishment when you are done.

Thanks Trace. That sounds really hard to do, I think you are very brave. Was it worth it for you? Are you glad that you did it?

I can see it as an accomplishment, being able to talk about something so difficult, but did it make a positive difference to you.

I hate heights and a couple of years ago, I did a high rope tree climb thing with my kids. There was one part where you had to step across a largish gap, with nothing underneath you. I was terrified and froze and really thought they would have to rescue me. Eventually I was able to do it. That was a huge accomplishment for me, but I would never do it again and don't think I gained anything from it, other than confirming my fear of heights.

So I get that it is a really brave thing to do, in talking about things, but what if it doesn't help?

Maybe there isn't an answer to that, I suppose I am just scared of making things worse for myself and rather than just feeling shame myself about those things, will also feel shame that there is now someone else that knows.

In the moment of it I hated it and hated her. I wanted to quit. But she explained that quitting was another one of my avoidance actions, which made me mad too Mad enough to prove I could do it, maybe that was her plan and it worked. I kept on with it, and it was hard through the last day. But.....it got easier to think about the trauma and talk about afterwards. The memory was still there, and it was still upsetting but not like it was before. So I took that as a positive thing, the baby steps plan. We can't expect to have the memories erased or not feel emotions/pain about the trauma in just 12 weeks, that's just not realistic. But if we can make the slightest positive movement towards that goal, it will all be worth it. It's just going to take time and commitment. You need to look at your fear and ask if it's a fear based on facts, or a fear based on beliefs. If what you are afraid of is a possibility or a thing that will happen. If your fear is that it will make things worse, ....it might, but not permanently. You have to work through trauma, not around it. And that's hard. Yes you may feel worse and that's when you talk to the T and have your support system around you. Would I do it again? Yes. We worked on one trauma mostly and I would like to do it again to work on others.
PE therapy is used for phobias too. Your T must think you are ready for this and will be there to help guide you through it. Don't let yourself quit, show your strength to want to get better and show that memory you will control it and not the other way around.

I have some traumas that I have never revealed to my therapist. I don't know if I ever will be able to. But they run through my mind daily. Some days I start thinking, "what's the big deal, it was years ago and I survived, just push it out of your mind". Other days it just floors me. It's worse when I'm stressed out or anxious about something so the last several days have been pretty rough.

In addition to all the other stresses in my life, today I have a short, but important meeting, about my big project at work where I am giving a demo of how a screen reader reads our company website. Very challenging and I'm pretty anxious about it. Final prep this morning. If only I can turn off my brain and these intrusive thoughts long enough to pull it all together.

Good luck with your project! You've got this!!!!

Thanks Trace. Real admiration for you and thanks for explaining it so well.

T said, we have probably been working all this time, to get to this point. A point where I am more stable and as ready as I will ever be to start the tough stuff.

I'm still not sure if I can do it, but will try to take a step next session. I think it is crunch time, either I do this or there is no point in continuing with T.

Maybe I'm going to need a session or two, to feel that connection with T again, after thinking I would quit, which resulted in some barriers going up.

Thanks Reb, I can relate to this.

I think I can deal with life without talking about certain things, but then then they remain there in my head and as you say, they floor me in times of stress.

It's not easy is it? But I suppose, I have to think of the possibility of taking the risk to talk about them, as ultimately I have nothing to lose.

Good luck with your project.

No it's not easy. And I too think I will eventually have to talk about these things, especially since they are, I'm sure, a very important "piece" of my CPTSD puzzle.

The meeting for the project went pretty good, so I am happy about that.

The project went well. Thanks!

Awesome! I had no doubt though Congrats on it!!!!