[Adelissa]

hi, all I can do is cry right now and I just can't seem to stop. I was doing well until something happened that triggered my anxiety and now I can't seem to do anything but worry about everything that needs doing. I have a migraine that the crying didn't help much and I just wish I had someone to hold me and let me sob in their arms but I don't. I just feel so terribly alone. I already took 2mg of Klonopin when I am only supposed to take 1 and I still feel shaky and wanting to curl up in a ball. I don't get like this often since I have been on meds but I hate feeling so weak. Anyway I needed to tell someone because no one gets it right now, everyone is in the Christmas mood and they don't understand how I am feeling. Thanks for listening.

(((((Adelissa)))))

Sending you some hugs and positive vibes. I hope that, as the stressful season passes, you will feel better soon!

[lainpie4u]

I know just what you mean. Everyone is in the xmas mood and lacks sensitivity. Feel better please....

[Evis]

(((Adelissa))) I hear you. I'm in a similar situation. I'm here if you want to talk. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

[hottinroof]

It's okay to cry, Adelissa, don't worry, it may increase the tension in your head and make your migraine hurt, but it's important to let out your feelings, and the tears are a very important way of doing that.
Can you take a painkiller for your migraine? And find a dark room where you can lie down? I also get migraines and they are cruel.
You feel alone, and there are many, many of us who feel the same especially at Christmas. So please feel that you do have friends, we are not there in person but we are here online. And we send you virtual hugs across the miles.

Things will get better, they always do. Thinking of you! xx hope you feel a bit better soon, and if people are making toxic remarks, as they do at Christmas, try to avoid those people.

[beauflow]

It is a rough time of the year for many and for those that do not understand some times will never understand (due to they cant or aren't willing to or so on) But the most important thing is to realize that you can always come on PC and vent

I hope you feel better soon, I hope that you get to enjoy a little of the "holiday spirit" even if it is later after the whole "time frame" that people seem to put on it.

I hope you the best and remember things get better, keep trying, and be well or as best as you can be

[unaluna]

I am so sorry you are feeling badly. You are such a gift to your family, and you are so lucky to have your niece. As for practical advice, maybe ask your doctor about Topamax? It is used for migraines, is a mood stabilizer, and has a good effect on your metabolism. Of course I don't know anything about your health or other meds, but this med has been very helpful for me. You deserve the best of everything, you are one of life's unsung heroes.

[likewater]

Sending you gentle hugs if that's ok. It's ok to cry, but i'm sorry for your pain.

[Adelissa]

(I would trigger post this but don't know how to change it, suicide mentioned so be forewarned) I totally didn't expect the outpouring of support based on this one post so thank you so much!
topomax is a nono for me as it started my suicide ideation (chicken or the egg we dont know but as soon as I was put on it my depression was the worst it has ever been) Part of the problem is I am having a hard time getting through the day, doing things I know I should. BUT I am trying really hard. I look at the house and want to cry. I am so overwhelmed and first I was getting no help, then I get the kind of help that you have to do the job all over again and the person can't handle criticism. The other one (my dad) never leaves the couch. We have been battling a bedbug infestation for a long time, had 3 treatments and we aren't sure if they are gone or not but we think we might have a lurker or two. I have a steamer and diatamaceous earth and feel like I could get rid of them with cooperation. I feel like I am speaking another language than my dad and brother speaks. I have tried everything, even bringing up the almost suicide. I said doesn't that scare you? don't you love me enough to try not to push me to the brink? They don't say a word. mind you I know I am responsible for my own actions but that moment that I almost took those pills I am looking at this family of mine and feeling like there is no one else, everyone has abandoned me. I know rationally there are people who love me but don't know how to help or whatever, but I just feel like no matter what I do housework wise, 10 things take its place and I need cooperation desperately. I don't have the funds to move and I don't think I can really raise my niece on my own and she is everything to me. She is the real reason I didn't take those pills. I know I am supposed to wish I was stronger and better and that not that it was easier, but I so wish there was a person wiser and stronger than I who could come in this house and help me make heads or tails of everything. I know what I want to do but it just is so hard. I am not a lazy person, only those who are depressed can understand. We have to be moved out by March so the landlady can paint and replace the carpet and I can do my stuff more or less but I don't know what to do with other people's mess and I know you can say well it is their responsibility, but for example my dad never moves, how do I wash his bedding? etc. I posted this subject on another thread and someone said that I shouldn't do it all and make them. I don't have the strength and I can't make them do anything! Our Landlady wants to do a walkthrough after the 1st to see what needs repairing and I need to get this place organized before then and my brother said I am aware of that, but he doesn't understand my anxiety. I can't calm down unless I feel progress is being made and the last couple days I have had a if I can't beat them join them attitude because I have had so much physical pain. My cancer might be back and I find out the results of tests on Jan 4th and I am so scared of being sick and weak in this house because I won't be taken care of and I will either have to find the strength to keep going on or watch my world crumble because no one can see what needs doing. Anyway I am jumping the gun I might not have cancer but I have so much pain both physically and emotionally and I have had cancer and treatment, and it came back, had treatment, and I just have a bad feeling. anyway this is all probably repeats of other posts and rambling but thanks so much for reading. your comments really do help and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

[unaluna]

adelissa, i'm sorry, I should have guessed that about topomax - I can't stand klonopin! I tried it once and it felt like fireworks going off all over my head. we're just biological opposites.

well I hope it helps to visit here until things can change at home. I have found it very helpful.

[Crew]

Just my opinion but if you could cry more that is the best medicine because it gets the toxic chemicals out of your brain and eyes and as for venting, have you just put your pen on paper, close your eyes and just write. Write to someone, to the paper this Will Help....get that stuff out of you so you can move on an heal within your own life and then come back here and ask for what you need just keep writing, your doing an awesome job, from just what I read.

Hang in there ((((Adelissa))) and know that I care tooo!

and too!

[Adelissa]

I did kind of a risky thing tonight. I posted a note on facebook about how alone and depressed and all that I am right now and that I really need a support group. I don't know if anyone will answer but my own sister is keeping her distance, guess she is afraid I will ask her for something, and she has already said she won't come over until the bedbugs are gone. It isn't like they are crawling the walls, that is the frustrating part. I haven't seen any in about a month but I have fresh bites. I have steamed the carpet, furniture and I just don't know what to do next. I bought some diatamaceous earth so we will see if that helps but I am supposed to be the strong one and I am falling apart. I just wish people could see that and rally around me, but then am I being selfish, and attention seeking. I just don't know what to do I can't stop crying. I have been doing good more or less but these last 2-3 days someone says a harsh word and I cry for 2 hours or more. I am so sensitive right now and I just want it all to stop (not going to hurt myself or anything) I can't even sleep to get away from it all, I have tried and nothing. My therapist forgot to book our appt so I haven't seen one in about a month, I see my psychiatrist on the 9th. I don't know what to do. My dad just wants us to pray they are gone and move on. I am a Christian and believe in the power of prayer but I believe God wants us to act as well...I am emotionally spent now so maybe I can sleep. I know things have to get better but I am worried about my health, I had chest pains today and I know I have IBS maybe even ulcers, I had my screening done to see if the cancer is back and I find out Jan 4th, and if it is, who will take over? There isn't anyone else! Well, Good night and hopefully things look brighter in the morning.

[beauflow]

Adelissa-- I do wish you well and many hugs to you

Bed Bugs are a pest- a true one at that- I at one time had them when living with my brother and it was just horrible- I would get bites and they would swell up to a half dollar size or bigger- my brother got bit and nothing; just different reactions- Bed Bugs "seem" to be gone but yet they are not some times.... ONE suggestion that I was told that I guess worked for a friend (I had to end up getting rid of my furniture which is unpractical these days but yet I could not do what my friend did) BUT was they sat their furniture and wooden items out in a cold storage area for about 3 months... Bed Bugs are a tough pest and they are really a pest- and even sometimes exterminators don't get them all if you can afford to hire one..

As far as your health-- Your heath is one thing to take care of for yourself--- as you mention- who else would take over but over all-- FOR YOUR HEALTH and FOR YOU --

I hope you can get some sleep here, rest does the mind and body good.

I hope you get in to see you T, perhaps when you see you Pdoc you can schedule an appt with you T perhaps?

Be well and best wishes your way

[Adelissa]

No tears yet today, we have gotten rid of a lot of furniture but replacing what we have just isn't in our budget, we have had the exterminator out here 3 times and I literally haven't seen a bug in 3 weeks and I know I have been bit since then. My bites aren't bad, just look like pimples in a triangle pattern. The problem is it takes them a long time to heal so it is hard to know what are fresh bites. I even doused the furniture with rubbing alchohol since it kills on contact but it has to hit the bugs directly and if you don't see bugs... that doesn't work so well. I just feel if I lived here alone I could get rid of them, but working around uncooperative people is too hard when it is so hard to make myself move anyway because of the depression. Anyway, If I dont think they are gone soon we may be sleeping on the floor because I am not going to bring infested furniture back in when the landlady overhauls the apartment in March. Used furniture is a nono because that is how my sister got them who brought them over to us. The sad thing is our furniture isn't even a year old, but we got a good deal on it, $1200 for couch loveseat and rocker/recliner. Got it at rentacenter which is technically used furniture but I would bet my life that they came from my sister. Anyway, so far so good today, no crying and going to spend some time with my niece while she is out of school and try not to worry too much. My brother did do some straightening up and did the dishes and that is awesome. I love initiative. Anyway, thanks again for listening. I am learning some of my triggers anyway, although some of them I just have to face but others, I am learning to try to avoid.

[Mylifeisdepressing]

I can relate to you so much. I am depressed and over the holidays it has been so hard for me, my mother is constantly telling me to be happier and do stuff with the family, she doesn't know and she doesn't understand at all, I have tried talking to my best friend and she tries to be nice but she doesn't understand at all. So I have no one to talk to about it and it's like it is just all balled up inside of me. I have got to find a way to let it out or one of these days I might crack.