Unlovable

My entire life I have had nothing but problems with socializing and relationships, with a vast majority of my life being spent alone because I have been unable to connect with others or find someone able to accept me, never mind love me.

Although I have desired it for a long time, I lost hope in love when I was in my teens, because all that ever happened was rejection after rejection, and in fact that summarizes my entire life with people.

But after a few devastating attempts and unrequited loves that resulted in suicide attempts, my being institutionalized, a restraining order against a school staff member, and a nightmarish road of relationships and being back to square one of being rejected all the time, I feel like I am very much back to how I felt in high school.

I have had strong feelings for my best friend, although it's not entirely logical because she's an Internet friend, because I have no friends IRL, she considers me a friend and nothing more than that, a situation called the "friend zone" as I have read online, and I think to myself, "%$#@&!!! I'm still not enough!" I can't help but think, "She's the only person in the world I have a history with and that likes me, and if she can't love me, who the heck can?"

People have told me that my time will come, fate, and all this other stuff, but to me it is like being told I am an A+ student despite the fact that I never receive an A+ in anything. As the student I sit there and think, "If I am an A+ student, how come I never achieve A+ grades?" I'm so lovable and incredible, but I can't find anything that demonstrates this in my life, since I am not loved.

I'm never enough for love. Never have been either. And this is how I come to the conclusion that I am unlovable, because there is no other conclusion I can come to.

I don't know how to cope with being unlovable. I've tried more times than I care to count and given it time, prescription drugs, rehab, social skills improvement, clubs, and it's always the same end result for me. I've also done some horrible things to myself with self-harm and planned to commit suicide in the summer of 2011 in a depressive crisis. It makes me feel crazy. It does make me think a lot about suicide. Who would want to be unlovable and forever be alone?

All I want is to be loved and have a relationship with a woman, and it is incredibly painful to confront the fact that none can see anything about me worth loving.

Thanks for reading.

Hey there Mr. V,

I hear you. Sounds like today is an especially tough day, huh? I was having similar thoughts last night, the traditional "date night" and I have nobody in my life either, and dunno whether I choose the wrong types to like or I choose the right types and then mess it up with my issues?

Life can be very difficult, huh? Sounds like you've done many things to address your concerns, do you mind if I ask if you're seeing a therapist? Like anything, some are better than others. My daughter's mother in law in Boston was a therapist for years, and once she and I had a chat about my feelings (similar to yours) and she told me that after 4 appointments with a therapist a person will know if that therapist is right for them. If you haven't found a good therapist to talk to, that might help.

Hang in there. And in the meantime, give yourself some Self Love. Surely there are some things about your character that are admirable. What are they? Make a list and read the darn thing everyday. Maybe you're thoughtful. Maybe you're patient. Those are great traits. I'm sure you have good qualities. Don't ignore them.

Sending you hugs and support,
Anne

I'm not a good person to be answering a question on romantic love but maybe I can get the ball rolling and someone with more experience will respond.
I'll start by asking you what you found lovable about some of the women in your unrequited love situations. What are you looking for in a woman?

Risking love may be too big a step. It always has been for me. At 66 I'm still working on issues of getting to know someone slowly, safely, deeply, fully ... IRL. Letting a relationship grow in the time right for the relationship and the two people in it.

Usually in my life I've either tried to rush things and ruined them by forcing things and scaring off the other person or, conversely, freaking out because I'd project my eventual loss of everything and run ... before I could lose, thus losing it all.

I'm actually making bits of progress here and there, learning new things, gaining new insights daily.

(((((((((((((((((((Venomous)))))))))))))))))))))))

I think you are a REALLY NICE PERSON and though I know you don't feel like you are worthy, and I know you don't want to hear how young you are, but YOU REALLY ARE YOUNG YET. There are SO MANY YOUR AGE THAT ASK THIS SAME QUESTION.

Have you ever thought about reaching out to women who also have asbergers?
They are out there you know. I wonder if there is a support site for them other then PC where you can get involved with them more.

(((Hugs to be patient my friend))))
Open Eyes

I can relate. When I was younger, I felt no one could ever love me. Right now, I know you feel terrible, so I won't preach or tell you what to do. I do hope you will consider the following as a possibility for some of your difficulties. Anyway, you seem to be the contemplative type.

I sensed, while reading your post, that nonverbal communication and negative past experience with human interaction might be an explanation for some of your troubles. Perhaps, I am reading into my own life, rather than yours, so I could be way off. Maybe my problem solving tendencies are getting the better of me.

Recently, I have made some major discoveries about nonverbal communication and its role in communication. I don't know if this is addressed in social skills training, but a part of communication also involves awareness of our own mental state and our attitudes. We subconsciously convey it. NTs are great at picking these subtleties up.

I have moderate Asperger Syndrome, and find interpreting and using this form of communication hard. My difficulties in reading it, cause me to overlook good intentions and potential friendships. A life filled with rejection and misunderstanding does not help, either. It influences and hinders my ability to give an individual a chance. I automatically put everybody in the same category. Slowly, I am trying to release myself for this mode of thinking.

People often misinterpret me, because I don’t use nonverbal communication in the normal way. I tend to look away, when I talk to people. If I do look at them, I focus on the person’s mouth or forehead. This causes them to interpret me as an odd and aloof lady. I am working on this.

I am learning how to use this form of communication, appropriately. At times, it can be exhausting and uncomfortable, but its working. People are starting to reach out for my friendship. It is nice to know, that people like me. This indicates to me, I won't be alone forever. Someday, I hope to find love, too. My buddy tells me this all the time, "To find love, you need to develop a friendship first."

I also had to accept that I will never ever be normal. Once, I embraced me, I was no longer acting. Keeping quiet about my areas of expertise (special interests) has also helped.

Please don't give up. You have left a good impression on many PC members.

Hi my Friend ~ We haven't heard from you in awhile. It's good to see you posting!

Didgee made some good points! I have to defer to her! She really knows what she's talking about! Nonverbal communication can say ALOT to most people! I had never really thought much about it before, but after reading her post and giving it some thought, I realized that it really DOES make a big difference! In thinking about it, I find that I TOO tend to look at people's brows or mouths. It's very difficult for me to look right into their eyes. I'm going to really have to work on that. I've always been quite shy and have had a self-esteem problem in the past -- but it looks like it's creeping up on me again.

Give what she posted some thought - and perhaps do some reading about it too. You know I think you're a GREAT person -- at least I HOPE you do. I've told you enough times. Please take care & keep us posted, ok? God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

I dont think that you are unlovable. I think you seem like a great person. Time brings love and people who will be there for you. Dont worry about looking for it. They will find you.

Thanks for the replies.

wagneriansinger: Yes, these feelings and frustrations can be overwhelming sometimes, but they’re not uncommon for me to have. I feel like I am defective and not meant to be loved.

Indeed I am in counseling and I have been for the last eight consecutive years. Probably will be in counseling for one reason or another my entire life. I’ve seen so many counselors/therapists in my life I can tell if I can work with someone almost instantly. Can do that with a lot of people. Just intuitive I suppose.

Eh, I suppose I have some positive qualities, but they haven’t seemed to do much for me, and certainly aren’t enough to be loved it seems. I’ve never denied that I have some positive qualities. The issue I have is that all the negative, defective qualities of me outweighs anything positive.

George H.: I read your comment last night and thought about it; undoubtedly, all the women I have been attracted to are all motherly, with their empathy, kindness, compassion, and other such qualities through the roof in my opinion.

When I talked to my first unrequited love after a 2 year struggle, the conversation might have been short, but I felt like she demonstrated more kindness and compassion to me than basically everyone in my life before that, comparable only those other unrequited loves.

My girlfriend that dumped me four years ago and that I have been struggling with since was like that too. She was the first person to introduce me to what hugs are, the first I openly displayed emotions to, the only person that accepted me, basically the only person I felt like I mattered to. In a life full of abuse, isolation, failure, depression, etc. it was unbelievable to have a person that I could feel safe and secure with and whom accepted me, a little breathe of heaven in my life. I had never had someone IRL that I could trust and connect with and I haven’t since. We had our own little book club, I used to pick her wild flowers, I took almost 2000 photos of us and/or her, it was indescribable.

That sums of the unrequited loves I have had (although there are a few more that are like that). Now here I am increasingly reliant on heavier medications and talking to myself and imaginary persons all day because I have nobody to talk to IRL.

What would I like? I would like someone that is thoughtful, kind, trustworthy, accepting, and cares about me IRL. I want to show someone my favourite music, my bug shed, my office, and other things important to me. I want to be hugged, have someone to call when I need to, I really want to connect with someone and be loved. Am I asking for too much?
While my best friend would likely do all this had we lived nearer, I have a hard time understanding what friendship is, and what it seems to amount to from what I’ve read online is an emotionally inferior form of a relationship and love, not real love, but more of a bonus on the side. Something must be defective about me if even she (among those other unrequited loves) can’t see me as that kind of lovable. She’ll go on and date some wonderful person and I’ll still be here thinking what the heck is wrong with me.

Roadie: I don’t understand what you mean by risking love might be too big a step?

Open Eyes: I’m discovering that there are a lot of those that ask the same question. Yesterday, I made a post on my Tumblr blog, an image, about this and it has been reblogged 50 times! It’s hard to spend each day wishing and wanting love and having to encounter nothing but dead ends in all directions. A lot of my perfectionism is associated with all this. I’ve always felt like being perfect or being accomplished with counter all the defectiveness in me, thereby making me lovable.

Didgee Eeyou: You seem to understand me well! Indeed nonverbal communication and negative experiences with human interaction are issues I have. Truthfully, I don’t even know what nonverbal communication is.

I’ve heard that NTs can sense such things in others. What does it mean to subconsciously convey something? How can anyone know that I am thinking?

A life filled with rejection does make me feel bitter and frustrated about socializing and about others. When I am most frustrated about this is when I withdraw and disappear from everyone.

I’m the same with looking at those I tam talking to - I never look into the eyes. Much of the time I hide behind polarized sunglasses that I wear so nobody can see my eyes and I can feel more secure, but I’ve been told this might make others uncomfortable, a statement I cannot understand.

I don’t understand people and all the rules of socializing. I wish that being kind and respectful was valued more than what it is instead of everything coming down to such bizarre and seemingly meaningless things as eye contact.

Leed: Thanks for your kind words .

Being ready for love--to receive or give it--has been, in my life's experience, something I've discovered as part of learning to be a good friend, to be complete in myself, to be self-supporting, etc. Successfully creating loving relationships just hasn't been a one-step thing.

I'm wondering whether the relationship you want is something that's a many-step process for people like us for whom relations need to grow more slowly. If you are maybe trying to get there in one or two steps (like normal people), that may be what's causing the failure and not some instinsic character attribute.

But maybe I'm just thinking of how I did it wrong for so long ...

Roadie

Having felt unlovable from age 7 to 47, in the past two years I have learned the answer to this problem. I was unlovable because I didn't love myself. My current T was a godsend. Good luck. And this beautiful part:

My girlfriend that dumped me four years ago and that I have been struggling with since was like that too. She was the first person to introduce me to what hugs are, the first I openly displayed emotions to, the only person that accepted me, basically the only person I felt like I mattered to. In a life full of abuse, isolation, failure, depression, etc. it was unbelievable to have a person that I could feel safe and secure with and whom accepted me, a little breathe of heaven in my life. I had never had someone IRL that I could trust and connect with and I haven’t since. We had our own little book club, I used to pick her wild flowers, I took almost 2000 photos of us and/or her, it was indescribable.

To have had all that even once in a lifetime makes life worth living...you never know when it might happen again.
shipping

Actually, I happen to agree more with my T, because while loving oneself is helpful, I find it almost impossible to produce feelings of love for myself when nobody else loves me. My T says that self-love is not created entirely from repeating positive mantras but through a reflection of who we are by those around us.

As far as I can tell it won't happen again. I can't live the nest 50 years of my life on false hope.

I don't know about that. I don't believe at all in "positive mantras" but I believe that you can do things to give yourself a higher opinion of yourself. If you volunteered at a homeless shelter or visited with the elderly or got involved in animal rescue... something that helps make the world a better pllace...would those acts increase your self esteem and make you feel more worthwhile and lovable?

Absolutely - I do volunteer work. I do volunteer work at the political organization I am involved with and love it there, I participate in Earth Day activities, am a regular blood donor, I will be participating in the Four Corners Walk for the Eradication of Poverty, and other things. When I am working, I would like to do some yoga, too.

I don't find an improvement in my self-esteem doing these things because what is defective and hard for me to accept about myself is still defective and hard for me to accept with or without doing them.

Maybe I dwell too much on everything wrong with me, but what few positive qualities exist about me are overwhelmed by what's defective and wrong about me.

I think so Try not to dwell on the things you see as bad or defective. I see a lot of good there. I know we've messaged about friends... platonic relationships. Good friends are hard to come by. That is a matter of putting in the effort. And also involves a lot of luck. It just isn't that easy to find good friends. I've had maybe 7 really good friends in my life. Friends who would actually be there if I needed them. So... that isn't something that is just going to fall in your lap unless you're very very lucky.
As for romantic love... I'm sure a lot of what I said about friends applies there as well. It's just that the risks and the stakes are so much higher.

Nonverbal communication refers to body language, facial expressions and voice inflection. About 60% of communication is done in this way.

We reveal our state of mind through nonverbal communication, without even knowing it. Some people are superb at interpreting these subtle gestures. It amazes me. I don't think people read minds. They just infer based on what they are hearing and seeing.

Eye contact is important for the NT, since it conveys a lot about a person. Most view the eyes as entry into the soul and would like to see them, when in conversation. Lack of eye contact can impart: arrogance, deceit, despair, reticence, dishonesty, unfriendliness, negativity, etc...

If you wear sunglasses because of light sensitivity, tell the other person. Most are understanding and able to see beyond that. Personally, I am not bothered by sunglasses, but I (now) can understand why most NTs are bothered by it. (Thinking of this reminds me of Les Claypool. I have never seen his eyes, even in concert.)

People are very perplexing!

My AS group has a lot of great resources on how to navigate the mainstream world and maintain sanity at the same time. Perhaps, you can look into your local group. I have found them helpful, in my quest for self discovery. Understanding AS, I think will really help, because it is a part of who you are. My mother points that out to me, a lot.

So many of the traits that you fight with, like perfectionism and dwelling on the past, are typical of AS. I am well acquainted with them and the despair that they cause. We tend to over think and get stuck on one facet of life. I hear that in your posts. Perhaps, you can explore this with your therapist.

Nothing can convince me that you are a defect. You deserve happiness and love, like the rest of us.

I have recently realized comparing myself to an NT is unjust, because I think and experience the world very differently from them. We just have to learn how to get along better in their world.

I'll never understand this - I would think that anything concluded from nonverbal communication would have a high risk of error and miscalculation, therefore shouldn't be used as a reliable source of information about that individual and their state of mind.

Moreover, why would such a thing like eye contact be interpreted as anything other than eye contact? Instead of all those negative characteristics, why not think of a lack of eye contact as just that, a lack of eye contact? It's as baffling to me as being told that I could be thought of as a serial killer because I am not standing straight - connection? If everything I do is scrutinized like this, it's no wonder I am alone, because I will forever make a new mistake.

And how can you see someone's soul through their eyes? It's debatable that the human soul even exists, and if the eyes are the entry into a person's soul, obviously few look at my eyes because nobody knew a single thing about my abusive past or the issues I struggle with for almost 20 years.

Well actually when I looked in the mirror wearing the sunglasses, I look incredibly threatening .

I don't understand people and society at large. I've always thought that being kind and respectful should be sufficient enough to be given a chance.

Drives me insane and makes me want to pull my hair out learning all this. Truthfully, I think to myself why I should have to learn all this, because if I truly am as wonderful as I am told, than others should be able to look past something as insignificant as eye contact. Although I was diagnosed with autism, what I truly suffer from is a society that refuses to make reasonable accommodations and accept differences in others. Maybe instead of all of AS persons conforming to society's rigid and inflexible rules of behavior that society should be more accepting of the differences and diversity of the human condition.

You were right when you said I am a contemplative individual, because I find it hard to accept rules that seem to have no explanation for their existence; "just because" does not suffice as an explanation. My ability to think critically and outside the box I think are positive qualities of mine and I am not ashamed of them. If society chooses to treat me badly and ostracize me for the differences that make me who I am, than it is not I that has failed, it is society.

There's a positive quality for you, George . If all that I wrote seems in total contradiction to everything else I've said, the one explanation I can provide is that I experience massive mood swings…

Perfectionism and over-thinking are issues struggle with a lot. Dwelling on one thing is another issue I have. Always thought these were characteristics of me and not as AS.

I am not sure if I have offended you are not. If I did, it was not my intention. The things, I have written are for thought, not to tell you what to do. They may not even apply to you. I don’t know.

I see so much of my younger self in your posts. Navigating life has extremely difficult, especially when I was younger. Anger was my baseline mood. It gets better.

“My ability to think critically and outside the box I think are positive qualities of mine and I am not ashamed of them. If society chooses to treat me badly and ostracize me for the differences that make me who I am, than it is not I that has failed, it is society.”

I agree. Difference needs to be accepted, even embraced. Until society accepts AS or anyone who is different, I think the only way to survive is to find your own distinct place within it. In it, you can be who you really are and happy at the same time.

AS=Loyal, honest, dependable, observant, creative, sensitive, empathic, integrity, intelligent, and freedom from prejudice. Feel free to add more.

Nonverbal communication is very misleading, so I don't rely on it. People tend to misinterpret it, anyway. Even their own moods can influence their judgement.

All this communication stuff is fairly new to me. I have been learning about this, because I have found my calling. I really want to succeed and be happy. In order for this to happen, I must have some ability to communicate in the NT world, because they are majority. It sounds sad and that I am conforming to them, but I am not. I have to bend slightly to make this work.

Eye contact is a part of Western culture. There are many cultures that consider eye contact offensive or too intimate.

People claim to see more than the surface when they look into one's eyes. I see eyes, their color and unique characteristics.

Society and human interaction baffles me, as well. Well, that is enough preaching.

No, I am not offended, but as I am sure you can empathize with, it is frustrating for there to be a strict set of rules that everyone is expected to adhere to or else be punished when you have such a difficult time conforming to those standards. Society as a whole makes me feel angry and alienated; it wasn’t anything you said.

You sound like you have considerably more experience than me with these matters.

Have you found your distinct place? I’m seeking out places that I feel are right for me, and so far as I know, I think I have found one.

All of those do describe us with AS. Loyal would be another big one I would add. It’s incredibly frustrating for me that I desire to have a relationship but because I don’t fit into the box that is society I am sidelined for others.

I’m so tired of being alone all the time. Struggling with self-esteem as I am and pondering why it is nobody can see qualities in me worth loving creates a volatile emotional state.

Argh.

Most people are scared of difference or they feel threatened by it. Well... most scare the hell out of me, too!

My place is in research. It is perfect for my introverted disposition and my never ending curiosity. Anyway, science is my forte. I always knew this, but the desire to conform lead me to other jobs and junior colleges. None of it worked. Finally, I had to settle on me and what I really wanted.

Self esteem will come. I know it sounds generic and superficial, but it will. The coach operator training will help. You seem to have incorporated some of your special interests (I prefer, areas of expertise), such as geography and passenger coaches into finding your place. It is important for someone with AS to do that. I did it. Almost everyone, I know with AS has done this and are successful.

i can relate. it's like everytime i try to start something with someone i like, something goes wrong. i feel like i'm cursed, and i feel like i may just not try for a relationship for a while. when the time comes, it'll happen.
i hope you feel better about it soon

And how long does this take because I've never been loved and I've been waiting 26 yrs. and I'm now 51 yrs. of age.