bleh

caring about your weight?

Caring about anything in general, although I did pretty good today.

I know diet and exercise work, I was down to 138 from 235 and almost to my goal. If the emotional issues are still in place though I will end up back where I started.

I'm out of shape and overweight too, Iowa.
I have little motivation.
You are not alone!

I'm tired and I want to go home.

Is it true?:

This one pops out of my mouth when I'm fatigued or feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I space out and say it when I was fine the moment before. I don't think this is tied to now. I think it comes from working too long time at jobs I hated, where the management style was abusive. True at one time and still true at times if I'm not taking care of myself by getting enough rest or if I stay in a bad situation when I need to go. Sometimes in life it's necessary to keep plugging away at something that is not pleasant to deal with.

Can I absolutely know it's true?

Sometimes I think the feeling bleeds over and poisons moments that aren't that bad. Just thinking about it now is exhausting me.

Who would I be without this thought? think I would have more energy and the fatigue would not feel so crushing.

I'm tired and I need a break, maybe I should go outside and walk a bit.

I'm still trying to answer posts, but I don't think my answers are helpful. Maybe I shouldn't try to answer. Maybe it's just stupid and wrong.

I hate this job. I want to go home

Is it true?

Sometimes I feel like it's true if I make a mistake or I'm criticized unjustly because someone jumps to conclusions. It's too hard sometimes to explain myself, I can't make people understand and it doesn't seem worth the effort. I've been here two months and nothing has upset me to the point I beat on my head. There's some good moments here with the seniors and the music. I'm appreciated though sometimes excluded because I am not an employee of the agency, but of the training program. They have said they want me to take over as second cook when the head cook retires. I'm not sure if the training program will let me stay that long. I'm disappointed that my life will not amount to much.

Can you absolutely know that it's true?

I think that it only sometimes feels true, when really I hate my own inability to do what I need to do to not be criticized and to always get it right.

Who would I be without this thought?

Maybe more accepting of the imperfections of myself and others. Maybe happier in my job.

Turnaround:

My job has some good points. I don't always have to be perfect and they don't verbally abuse me here. I enjoy the seniors and the music days. Misunderstandings can be worked out. They like me there and want me to stay.

I don't want to be a person.

Is it true?

I think this one is about failure. I feel incapable socially. I expect everything to come crashing down even while it seems to be going well. If someone is angry there is no fixing it, no possibility of making them understand or "working things out". People are determined to make me pay when they have misinterpretted and will not let go of their misconceptions. I was at one time verbally unable, I could barely speak let alone explain. This I think is partly from the church counseling center confrontation groups, partly from my eldest brother proving to himself how smart he was by talking circles around his little sister and twisting my words like some vicious lawyer. So this is a can't do it, over my head type thing. Also I wonder if there is brain damage from the concussions and maybe I am never going to be able to communicate effectively verbally.

Can you absolutely know it's true?

It feels true sometimes, when I am exhausted emotionally and don't want to continue.

Who would I be without this thought.

Maybe I would keep trying to talk to people who aren't listening or maybe I could just walk away and be at peace that I have done what I'm able to do with in my limits.

Turnaround:

The person I am is good enough

I feel so useless here.

I'm supposed to be more solid on the answers to the questions. Coach thinks I was dancing around the questions. The recurring thoughts have a life of their own. I space out and the garbage pops out of my mouth. I don't think it's going to be easy to just suddenly change that. It's supposed to be tied in to meditation and letting go of the thoughts that cause pain in our lives. The author of the method, Byron Katie, is on faculty at a school of yoga.

Bessel Vander Kolk, the one my therapist wanted me to read his articles teaches at that same yoga school. They have a whole bunch of people giving workshops on different topics there. They have a "trauma sensitive" yoga class they teach at the trauma center he heads in Boston. She showed me an article he wrote about the effect of trauma on the brain. Trauma survivors have traits in common. I definitely have the hyperarousal with stress, the heightened startle reflex (my former boss liked to yell at me just to see me jump in the air), intrusion I'm not sure of but I wondered if that could take the form of the intrusive thoughts I have, emotional numbing not sure of, I do have difficulty expressing emotion except intermitant explosions of anger. Liking or clinging to what's familiar. It does sound like me. I'm not sure what she is wanting to teach me. These are biologically based changes I think. The article mentioned medication, but I'm not sure if she is wanting to lead me in that direction.

I found a video library of Byron Katie's work with students. I took some notes of main points.

Find what is kind and question what is opposing it.

When we believe our thoughts we suffer.

Identify what you are thinking,
write it on paper.
write the fears behind it below
what are you believing?
challenge your beliefs

The moment is all there is
and all there ever will be
the rest is imagination
just take care of the now

The past is kind, it's always over.

To argue with reality is to argue with God

Success is being true to who I am

Maybe I will look at the questions again, but not today because I feel unwell and it takes energy.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Ac...tually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

1. The world is a dangerous place and if I trust the wrong person I will die a horrible death.
2. Most of the worst things that have happened to me are because I am female. I hate being female.
3. If I tell someone I love them they will die or leave.
4. I'm a bad person and others do not like me.
5. I'm a bad mother, wife, daughter, friend.
6. I'm tired and I want to go.
7, I hate this job, I want to go home.
8. I don't want to be a person.

1. The world is a dangerous place and if I trust the wrong person I will die a horrible death.

Fears:

people are violent and predatory-this is true of some people but not all
I am not able to defend myself-this is a preparable skill to some extent. I can improve my ability to defend myself.
death will be violent and painful-this is an unknowable thing
My safe place will not always be safe-this is also an unknowable thing
I am not safe in the world-I can do things to make myself safer in the world and listen to my instincts even when they contradict social norms.

Most of the worst things that have happened to me are because I am female. I hate being female.

Fears:

No fears in the present. This is about past things. I think no one notices me anyway and I'm not at risk, I'm too old to interest anyone. Am I here taking care of Mom because as the girl it's my job? I really don't want to give up this last time there is with her. She's not the person she was when I was little.

If I tell someone I love them they will die or leave.

Fears:

Watching Mom's health failing. Not being able to manage to stay here on the farm after Mom is gone. Not sure my son and I can manage financially with just the two of us. Don't want to leave my safe place even though those that made it special are gone.

Others will not like me if they know me.

I am not able to have relationships, I always screw it up.

No connection with my siblings once Mom is gone. There bearly is now.

I never used to hate the way I looked before I lost all that weight, and I felt weird about the way I looked when I was losing weight. Now that I'm putting it back on I just feel ugly.

I'm very tired of my life. I wonder if I will be able to deal with traveling across the country to meet people I have never seen. If it's too much I won't have any easy way out. I will just have to deal for many hours trying to make it home.

I know I don't have near the bad things going on right now that some folks here do. I just feel tired and old and wish I was never here in the first place.

I'm angry and very hungry today. Unsure why for both those things. Feel like I'm in a trap.