bleh

I'm disgusting and fat! None of my clothes fit!

Oh sweetie, you are NOT "disgusting and fat." So what if your clothes don't fit. It gives you an excuse to go get some new ones! LOL Or it gives you the energy & the right attitude to want to lose weight. I hate dieting, so having the right attitude is important.

But love yourself just the way you are. You're beautiful! Never forget that. As long as you are comfortable with WHO you are, it doesn't matter what we weigh! We're beauiful regardless! God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Lee. Trying writing the plan for the day on index cards to keep it in front of me and stay on track. I'm working at it, taking wellness classes and going to therapy. It's just a long fight and I'm tired sometimes.

Donna

I get so tired of not fitting anywhere. I'm not going to change who I am and make stuff up so I can fit. Sometimes I think people are pretending for fun, not sure what's real with it. I just know the little girl is not me because we are not awake at the same time. I know sometimes I'm talking and I don't really know what I'm saying. I know sometimes I turn on myself when I'm babbling on about something and hit myself saying stop it stop it. I am so tired of trying to be a person. My others are dealing with my life and continuing to live it when I am unable. It is still my life they are living. We are all pieces of the same pie and living one life. The anger one makes it more difficult. I feel that when she is triggered I can't stop what's happening. It isn't a good outcome for me, but the choices are not totally wrong. The little girl wants attention, the little girl does things that I hate sometimes, but I could not get out to stop it. We share a common life, so not did? Just two others so not did? No names so not did. Not going to pretend to be something I'm not to fit in.

Hi Iowa Farm Girl -- I bet a lot of us here share your feeling of not fitting in. I do. I hope you start feeling better.

Dizzy and sick today but feeling better tonight. I know T likes this place but I'm not sure it's a good place for me. Thinking about the tapes that play in my head.

1. The world is a dangerous place and if I trust the wrong person I will die a horrible death.
2. Most of the worst things that have happened to me are because I am female. I hate being female.
3. If I tell someone I love them they will die or leave.
4. I'm a bad person and others do not like me.
5. I'm a bad mother, wife, daughter, friend.
6. I'm tired and I want to go.
7, I hate this job, I want to go home.
8. I don't want to be a person.

The world is a dangerous place and if I trust the wrong person I will die a horrible death.

The four questions:

1. Is it true?

This was true when I was in elementary school. There was some kind of monster stalking and killing the children. The attacks went on for a couple months. A policeman came to the school to warn us that a stranger had come up behind a little girl and ripped her arm off. Mom frightened me with stories about the attacks everynight before I went to bed. I was not able to sleep and laid there counting waiting for night to be over and the sun come up.

There was a state hospital in the town and a serial killer was sent there on a change of venue for trial because he was too notorious in his own state. He escaped in our area while they were transporting him for a hearing and he almost got my mother. We lived in an isolated area but she made it to a neighbors house. Good thing she was a fast runner.

There are monsters among us. Every so often they make it into the news.

2. Can I absolutely know it's true?

Verified! That doesn't mean everyone is a monster, but reasonable caution is necessary.

3. How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought?

I feel unsafe even in places that have been safe for me. I tend to wait and see if what people say about themselves is true. Neutral waiting to verify. Mistakes lead to danger and I have made mistakes.

4. Who would I be without this thought?

It would be a lot easier to make friends. I would feel safer, free to take more risks(that's a disturbing thought), more comfortable with people, more optimistic.

The Turnaround: It is possible to stay safe in the world, and most people are not dangerous monsters. I would enjoy life more if I trusted more people.

((((Iowa)))) I am so thankful that you posted this...you are not alone in your thoughts nor in your thought process! It's so nice to know there are others that can relate.

When I read your thoughts, #6 of the thread and #7 worksheet to work out your thoughts(questions/answers/turnaround), it read like a pages of out of my own journal and workbook.

I have felt that way as well. I have said those things, as well.

I had a breakthru with T1, where I blurted out the bottom line / real fear ("driver")

... we were both in a hurry, and I was telling her the entire story, but she needed the bottom line, I finally just blurted "it" out.

It had become "me" (that fear) and I never said it to anyone that heard me and listened and cared. Once it was out there, wow! I felt so much better...it was as if a huge weight was lifted off me.

Have you had that opportunity yet with your T, my Friend?

Rose

Hi Rose. I have trouble telling my T negative stuff, so I show her what I am writing.

I almost finished the second question but they logged me off before I could post. Unsure why that was done, but it was an important post to me. Should I not be doing this? I thought it might help others.

Most of the worst things that have happened to me are because I am female. I hate being female.

1. Is it true?

I think SA is much more common among females than males, although I do know a couple males who have been SA. I think I would likely not have been if I was a male. I think the I hate being female statement started when I had to clean the house and start supper after school when I was in kindergarden because I was the female. My brothers were allowed to go play and be kids even though I was the youngest by two years. The SA just added on to it. I think if I had been male Mom would not have been so frightened and tried to protect me by making me afraid of people. She didn't do that to my brothers.

2. Can I absolutely know this is true?

No because I don't know what my life would have been.

3. What happens, how do I react, when I believe this thought?

I hate my body. I hate myself.

4. Who would I be without this thought?

I would accept myself and my body. I might not be resentful of expectations at work.

The Turnaround: Most of the bad things that happened to me were because others did wrong. I was not to blame, my body was not defiled. They were the ones that were defiled.

((IwoaFarmGal))
i am sorry i don't have much to add right now-- but these work sheets are doing seem like a helpful thing for you-- I know it can be hard with "an absolute" that is in my head, sometimes taking a little time to perceive it a little differently can do wonders.. but it can be a struggle as well

wishing you well.

If I tell someone I love them they will die or leave

1. Is it true?

It feels true and as a practical matter, yes everyone I love is going to die and if I don't go first I'll be there to see it.

I witnessed Mom's pain when I had to wake her to tell her Dad had passed away.

There was a little boy in my class that I liked. He was the class clown and stood up for himself which I admired. He was riding his bike down the hill in front of the school and I waved and yelled hi. He looked back and got into a fatal accident. I have no visual memory of it. I can see me standing there looking at him and him looking back. I did have dreams of babies with tomato heads and they were all over the road, I kept stepping on them. Some of the children blamed me. I don't remember if I blamed myself.

I had another little girl that I played with. One year she did not come back to school in the fall and I had no other friends. I didn't know if she was killed. I used to go look at her house. She was gone and I didn't know where.

In high school I was beginning to have friends for the first time and Dad was transferred, so that time I was the one that had to leave. We came back for a visit that summer and Grandma was in the hospital. We found out she had terminal cancer. I asked one of my aunts if I could stay with her so I wouldn't have to leave, but Mom wouldn't let me. I never saw my Grandma again. Mom didn't want an "empty nest", I was the last child at home. If she had not made me go back with them I would not have gone through a lot of bad stuff that happened because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people.

I've lost all of my grandparents generation. Everyone that made it special on the farm is all gone now. I was wasting my life with a man who never really loved me when my grandfather died so I was not there. Then my husband found someone else for himself. At least I was there for the end with my Mom's mother and my great aunt.

2. Can you absolutely know this is true?

Yes, you don't have to tell me, I know that this is what life is.

3. What happens, how do I react, when I believe this thought?

Bleak and lonely

4. Who would I be without this thought

Maybe I would be able to appreciate what time there is without thinking about the future or if there will be one. I hope I could appreciate some good moments with someone, without looking down the road at what I know is coming.

Turnaround: I only have the now, so I'll live in it and share what love there is without worrying about endings.

((((Iowa)))) & angels to guide you

Do you suppose this is a bad thing to do? Not sure if this is doing what it's supposed to do. I try to be helpful but I'm not sure I am. Maybe this is just selfish and self centered. Maybe when I try to answer posts I say stupid things. Maybe this is just depressing to myself and others.

I'm a bad person and others do not like me.

1. Is it true?
I think it is true at times, as it would be with any human being. I was raised in an environment without praise and with lots of criticism and judgement and sneering. This came not only from my parents, but also from my three older siblings and other children at school who probably were raised in the same way. It is a blessing maybe that I was just a witness to my brothers physical abuse and have not adopted this as the normal way to act, though sometimes the anger breaks through and I hate myself. It's alway physically directed at myself. Now Mom is old and mixed up but it takes the form of her insisting she is right and I don't remember correctly. The thing is she's done this to me my entire life. I am never allowed to be right about anything. I have always felt they thought I was stupid and she would instigate my brothers to laugh at me and make fun. It was like having another mean older sibling. When I get upset with her, due to the baggage she put on me earlier in life, I yell at her while simultaneously beating on myself and I feel that I am a bad person to do this. I think other people would think I was a bad person if they knew. I wish there was somebody better able to take care of her. I feel so inadequate in every way to take care of the people in my life.

When I was in my late teens early 20's I went to a counseling center run by the church I attended. They intended this for a good work, but they had confrontation groups that were very destructive. They had this idea I was being "bad on purpose" for attention. They were also getting some of their information from someone that had me confused with someone else. They did one of their confrontations on me which left me blinking and repeating the word "bad" I was unable to see what was around me. Everything was light. People tried to talk to me and I could hear them but not see them. It left me like a broken little girl who did not speak for months except for simple greetings like Hi and Bye.

My husband also liked to criticize me and tell me what was wrong with me, and then he left me.

One of my therapist reviled me and treated me with contempt until it caused me to dissociate into a little girl. He did that everytime I started to recover. I think he wanted to destroy me as a person and set the little girl up in my place.

2. Can you absolutely know this is true?

I think there is a difference between knowing that something is not true and being able to recover the person I would have been.

3. What happens, how do I react, when I believe this thought?

Like I don't want to continue, but I have to complete my work and duty to others.

4. Who would I be without this thought

Someone who maybe could enjoy her life, who would be able to sustain a friendship, a marriage, a job.

turnaround: I am an imperfect person with both good and bad traits. Some people will like me and others won't. This is how it is to be a human being.

Still think I pretty well suck as a human being. Don't want to be a person don't want to be a female don't want to be.

I'm a bad mother, wife, daughter, friend.

1) Is it true?
bad mother-yes at times in his early life due to anger issues and depression from my own negative life events. I have learned to be a better mother, but I feel like I damaged my son. He is damaged and struggles in life like I did. Bad wife-yes in the same way he was a bad husband to me. Bad friend-yes I drift away. I have very few friends because I can't feel secure in it.
2) Can I absolutely know that it's true?
I absolutely know that I don't feel good about the way I function with people at times.
3) How do I react, what happens, when I believe that thought?
I feel tired and depressed
4) Who would I be without the thought?
lying to myself

Turnaround: I am an imperfect human being doing the best I can which sometimes is not very good.

Is it time to go? I feel kind of useless here.

((IwoaFarmGal))

1) if these work sheets you don't feel are constructive and are just making you feel worse, perhaps working with another on them could help?

I remember not too long ago had that with a DBT work book that my ex-t had asked me to get and I did get, I tried to do it on my own as she wanted, and it just made me feel worse and i was not fully getting it-- i asked her (ex-t) to help me but she did not want to and just left the book and told me to leave the book >.< ... i tried it again on my own and i re-wrote one exercise and it was more constructive but made me not feel better... after that I was sort of done with the book and since i was not getting help with making sure that I was interpreting what I was to do correct, i did leave it-- I kept the book, and sometimes am like maybe i should try it again but idk.....

the main point is-- if you are getting something out of these work sheets, then continue, if you got something just maybe one thing from these work sheets and the rest are making you feel worse, maybe get some help or go a different route.. As well as, you can keep these work sheets, take a break and come back at a different time and try them again....

((Hugs your way)) and not sure what else to suggest..... perhaps I am off the wall as well-- but it is just a * personal* view on work sheets/books.. if they seem to help continue, if they make you feel worse maybe get some help or take a break...

I see my T on Thursday. Maybe we can talk about it a little bit. I often want to talk about stuff and then it goes a different direction and I don't think of it. It was given to me by the wellness coach, so maybe T would discuss it with me. Maybe I'm doing it wrong and I'm not supposed to be going into the whys so much. Thanks beauflow for posting to me tonight and for the hugs! Thanks Rose Panachee for your post too and the hugs and angels!

I feel like my experiences and my damages don't compare to what most of you have gone through. I don't feel the attitude of one up manship that they had at the church run center and that's a big plus. Still don't quite fit in though. I don't feel like I'm whining about nothing. but I can see where three s. assault would not have the same impact as long years of s. abuse by a family member. On the other hand, someone elses broken leg doesn't make my broken arm feel any better so to speak. I don't think most parents would pull a knife out of the drawer and threaten to cut off a childs thumb because they thought that thumb sucking reflected poorly on them as a parent. I didn't have a loving relationship with my parents. I would not have come to them for help because I figured they would just make things worse and I'd have to deal with their stuff in addition to my own. Maybe it shouldn't still matter. I'm getting old now and my Dad has already died. I think I have done what I could to repair things. I'm sad that my Dad died without ever working it out with him. Mom is like a little girl herself now and not the same person anymore. Maybe this all should not matter anymore but it doesn't put me back to the person I would have been. I've had concussions and I think little functional things have never been quite right. I don't think I whine about nothing.

((IowaFarmGal))


It does not matter-- if you feel bothered about something, get it out, work on it-- no one has it worse when it comes to how you feel. I hope that makes sense.

I don't view any of this as "whining" - it is getting things out and working on them.

EXACTLY--- don't down play your problems just because someone else "may" have it "worse"..... a.k.a. don't minimize

I think you should do what you feel you need to do with your mom and if you feel as if you have "repaired" all that you can... then leave it to that... I am sorry if that is not helpful--
One thing that stood out to me however:
Some things are our parent's problems, yes they may had effected us so-- but some things are not ours to own... which goes very well with what you mention as well about help:

Very well true with a lot of PC members, but the most important thing is to get help from someone with problems...

I hope that your Therapist helped you a little with the work sheets and many hugs to you

Thanks beauflow! I did talk them over with my T. She said it is important work but not to flood myself. The week has been a disaster, lots of self soothing with food.

im fat too! diet and exercise are helping me, they could help you too... i didnt read all the posts, but good luck!

Thanks RunningEagleRuns! I know that works. I know what I need to do, it's the caring I seem to lack right now.