[lv99atheist]

I can't handle my life.
I have no support network, and all my "friends" either don't care or have too much of their own stuff to deal with to offer help to me.
Therapy is taking far too long. How do they expect anyone to get better if I can only see my therapist every two weeks?
I'm poor. I have few opportunities to get out of this predicament.
I'm disabled, but since it's one of those "invisible" disabilities, people tend to assume I'm 100% alright even when I'm not... and even then, because I'm a man, people assume that I *should* pull myself up because "men don't cry."
I'm transsexual and gay. Gay guys usually don't deal with transpeople, and most who do only do it for the novelty of dating (and other things) a transperson. I'm not a fetish! I'm a human being!
My family rejects me because of who I am. My father refuses to believe I'm male, and when my brothers fight with me, suddenly I'm their sister again.
I have Bipolar II, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD,Borderline Personality Disorder, a history of mental and emotional child abuse, agoraphobia and possibly have Avoidant Personality Disorder as well.
I have few friends, and those who do say they care either can't offer much help or ignore my problems and "use" me for my kindness.
I suffer from fibromyalgia, type II diabetes, asthma, and have multiple chemical and sensory sensitivities. Simply stepping outside my front door is an exercise in sheer agony.
I thought I was doing fairly well until about four weeks ago, when I met someone on Facebook and have since fallen in love... infatuation. He doesn't want to commit to a relationship, even though he has strong feelings for me, until we've met in person. Because he's still in college and without a job at the moment, and I'm too disabled to go back to work myself, the chances of us meeting before Thanksgiving at the earliest are so slim they may as well not exist.
I've totally lost interest in most everything that used to bring me pleasure. I can't focus on my reading. Video games only give me more space to think about my sorry life. I can't write anymore since I've run dry of ideas for the last three years. I hate everything I attempt to draw. I feel fat and ugly, I'm losing my hair. I live in constant pain.
I even attempted suicide about a week and a half ago. I lied to my love interest about it because I was sure he'd reject me if he found out. I injected 50 units of a long-acting insulin I was given; I'm supposed to take only 15 units a day. For my pains, I was taken to the emergency room, strapped to a table, and was not allowed to use the toilet for eight hours. I also cut my arms very shallowly. My landlord now knows I have major mood issues and I live in fear that they might decide to evict me because they don't want that sort of drama around all the time.
I have no hope, no prospects. I'm only getting older and uglier with time. The best years of my life are long gone... and filled with abuse and tainted by selling my self out just to be loved by someone.
I used to tell myself that I'll go on living because my continuing to draw breath pisses off so many conservative and religious people should give me meaning... but even that is not enough anymore.
I hate myself.
There's no way out.
And if I had a gun, I would've done myself in two weeks ago rather than O.D.
I might still do it. Who knows.

I just want someone to know how much pain I'm in all over, mentally, physically, emotionally... in case I do go through with it.
I know life is totally meaningless already.
I just want someone to care, even for half a second.
You don't even need to attend my funeral. I lived alone; I'll die alone; I'll be buried alone. Only my landlord will regret, and that's because I'll leave a stain on the carpet they can't get out.

I'm done. There's nothing left. I should've died a long time ago. I'm sorry it took so long and that I've wasted everyone's time and resources trying to find a reason to continue. That's all, I guess.

[Leed]

You CAN'T give up! You've already taken the huge step of getting into therapy -- you recognized that you needed help and you did it! I applaud you for that. Many people don't do what YOU did -- they deny that they need help, and just go on and stay miserable. But YOU knew you needed help and got it. I'm proud of you.

Don't waste the work you've already done. In therapy, it has to get worse before it gets better. I've been in therapy off and on most of my adult life. We have to go down some very dark alleys of our past, and delve into some very black areas in order to get to the core of what's hurting us. That's very painful !!! Once we get to the "bad" stuff, we can start working on getting RID of it, and putting it to rest. Then we can start working on the other things that are bothering us. It can be a long journey into healing! Yes, it takes time, but it took a lifetime to get as sick as we are, so we're not going to get cured overnight.

As for your "gender" or your identity, that's not YOUR problem -- you know who you are. That's your father's and family/s problem, and/or anyone else's problem that rejects you! They are IGNORANT and you must learn to forgive their ignorance. Yes, it will be hard because I'm sure they've said some very unkind things to you, but ignorance is due to being uneducated about the subject. And you cannot force someone to read or understand anything. If they're biased on a subject, there's nothing you can do about it. It's like racial bigotry -- it makes NO sense.

Physical pain I know all about. I've been a chronic painer for 26 years, and it's miserable. Like you, I don't LOOK like I'm in pain but if anyone could see my spine, they'd understand. Every breath I take, and every move I make (hey, I'm a poet) is painful. Doctors are afraid to give enough medication to even come CLOSE to making me comfortable, and I haven't slept a whole night in over 25 years. I average about 2-3 hours of sleep a night -- that's no exaggeration either. Friends all dumped me years ago cause I can't tolerate going out and doing ANYTHING. I can't sit in the movies -- to painful. I certainly can't bowl. LOL I don't drink (recovering alcoholic), blah, blah, blah. lol

But life goes on and I still enjoy living. Why, you ask??? Just because life is a GIFT! And if I can help just ONE person then my life is worthwhile.

Keep going to therapy, and soon you will see the results. If you just too miserable, ask your doctor to put you on an antidepressant. You probably should have been on one a long time ago! I've been on one for years -- I take it twice a day cause I've got a dilly of a case of depression. Talk to your doctor. He CAN help you, but ask your therapist FIRST, ok?? Please?? God bless you and please take care. We DO CARE ABOUT YOU! Keep posting too cause we will listen. Hugs, Lee

[topazblossom]

Hello, I am new here and came across your post as I was looking for reasons to carry on as well. We have alot in common and I understand your pain completely. I just wanted to say you are not alone. There is beauty out there, sometimes its hard to see it out of these cursed black tunnels. Do you have any pets? My dog Chloe gives me a reason to go on breathing often. I know some people will find that silly but it is true. She has even came to my arms and loved me right at the moment I was about to end it all and saved my life. Animals are innocent and love unconditionally and never hurt us emotionally. They are safe. You have a friend here who will listen if needed. Hugs to you

[hunpak]

Do something selfless, try to fimd someone who needs more help than u do...
Never give up

Sent from my GT-N7000 using Tapatalk

[lv99atheist]

Originally Posted by topazblossom

Hello, I am new here and came across your post as I was looking for reasons to carry on as well. We have alot in common and I understand your pain completely. I just wanted to say you are not alone. There is beauty out there, sometimes its hard to see it out of these cursed black tunnels. Do you have any pets? My dog Chloe gives me a reason to go on breathing often. I know some people will find that silly but it is true. She has even came to my arms and loved me right at the moment I was about to end it all and saved my life. Animals are innocent and love unconditionally and never hurt us emotionally. They are safe. You have a friend here who will listen if needed. Hugs to you

I don't have any pets. I had two rats who both died within two months of each other to cap off my 2011... Oh, and I might mention that my last rat died a few days after Christmas where I was insulted by a close friend and basically told by my dad that he's going to continue to reject my claims that I'm a man because he can't be bothered to think beyond his little box. I'm too poor to afford a pet anyway. I'm terribly, deathly allergic to cats and dogs are too expensive. I don't want to keep a smaller pet since they die too early; I can't cope with yet another loss. Besides, I can barely take care of myself, much less attend to the needs of something that is completely dependent on my being there and having enough energy and presence of mind to deal with it. Oh, and when my last rat died, the closest vet nearest to me gave me such grief even during my bereavement because I could not pay the $35 "disposal" fee to remove the body. Their treatment of me put me in a tail-spin where I nearly panicked and almost threatened to commit suicide right there in the office. They didn't want to wait 12 hours so I could get the money I needed; they wouldn't even take half-payment in good faith! Why would I want to subject any other animal to that sort of treatment?

[unaluna]

well stop listening to your family's rejection. family is just an accident of birth, like what country you happen to be born in. sometimes you're lucky, sometimes you're italian that's what my T's have been telling me for years - and it's funny, because they are the ones who helped us grow up without a female gender identity when it was convenient for them, and now they're all mad about it. wth? imo you are a valuable person as well as population and your personal story needs to be heard, not buried. it is a significant unspoken part of the human puzzle.

[lv99atheist]

Originally Posted by hankster

well stop listening to your family's rejection. family is just an accident of birth, like what country you happen to be born in. sometimes you're lucky, sometimes you're italian that's what my T's have been telling me for years - and it's funny, because they are the ones who helped us grow up without a female gender identity when it was convenient for them, and now they're all mad about it. wth? imo you are a valuable person as well as population and your personal story needs to be heard, not buried. it is a significant unspoken part of the human puzzle.

I'm not even sure about that... my story? What's so special about my story? There are lots of transpeople out there who have far more extraordinary lives than I do. My combination of problems, physical and mental, aren't unique. Plenty of people have been pulled from the brink of death from a car crash. There are lots of other people out there who have SI and even try to commit suicide more frequently than me. I'm not special at all. I'm nobody, really.

[Open Eyes]

Sigh....Well, I have felt that way, but like you I have PTSD. Strange disorder this is don't you think? Oh that pitfall it has where you fall deep into a desire just to end, yes I know it. Those where the hard days and I did walk a dangerous line all day. But I overcame that gradually, but I have never forgotten how that felt and I know if I am not careful it may present itself again.

What kind of car accident caused this, or is that only one aspect of your PTSD. If you are like me, you didn't have a SAFE childhood so besides my trama there is a reminder of other tramas from my past to relive as well. Don't you wish that would not happen, I do. But you know what got me even more, is the lonliness of this disorder. No one around me gets it and that makes it harder to overcome. Then I came here and discovered I am not the only one that feels lonely, I am not the only one with bad thoughts, bad days, very tired, snappy, angry and somedays it is all gone almost like a tease, a reminder of what it was like before PTSD. I would like to know what goes on in the brain to present these repreives.

But then I thought even more and said to myself, well, if this is so lonely, why not keep learning about it, keep digging into myself and see if I can crawl my way out of this dam disorder, cause if I can manage that then maybe I can reach out and help others do the same. And I do spend a lot of time reaching out to others because lets face it no one wants to be lonely.

I saw that special again on 60 minutes about that new program they are doing with the vets, it is called Operation Proper Exit. They take the vets back that got pulled out because they were injured so badly, back to iraq so they can find closure. I think is a great idea because I know what it is like to want to have that somehow. I watched a handsome young man whom I could see the PTSD written all over his face and deep into his eyes. He looked forward to participating in this new operation exit.
It seemed to bring him relief too. Tonite it was a replay so I wonder how he is doing now? Sigh...I hope he is doing better.

I hear you about how you feel, but it helps when you reach out to others. Yeah you can be a nobody if you want or you can choose to be someone else's somebody. A somebody who will listen and validate how others feel because you know it. A somebody who can remind the other person, well, somedays are hard but you might as well hang in there because none of us get out of life alive. So at the very least you can be somebody's somebody who makes it not so lonely.

Everyone can be a somebody you know. You don't have to be some big guy/gal that has lots of things, you can be anyones someone who cares enough to listen. There are lots of people out there that need a somebody to listen.

Open Eyes

[Wants2Fly]

I'm not trans, and although I'm not poor right now (I'm not rich either, I'm just secure for the time being), I can identify with your illness and with feeling lower than a nuclear bomb shelter and more worthless than drool.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I am glad that you are here. I haven't been around PsychCentral much for a while, but coming here was what got me into therapy, got me on meds --which was a struggle because, like you, I am chemically sensitive to lots of stuff -- and kept me going.

Gradually, I came to feel accepted here, even though I have never met any member face-to-face. In fact, I now have an internet friendship that has lasted since 2004 and started here.

So you have taken some great first steps. You have gotten into therapy. You are reaching out to others here at Psych Central who can empathize, offer encouragement, and share their own stories.

Please give yourself credit for taking these very important steps.

One thing that helped me after a long period of lurking in these forums was Open Eyes advice -- become a good listener (or reader), too. There are lots of people who want those moments of acknowledgement -- including me.

Things are better, but sometimes I still am lonely, lost in how to develop the "real world" friendships I would like to have.

Meeting you tonight is a great reminder of the huge amount of help and warmth I found here at PsychCentral -- and I hope you will find what you need here, too.

It is a wonderful community.

[Kate9843123]

Hey,
I'm Sorry. Sorry that you have been delt such a bad hand and that you have not found the support you need to deal with it. But you have people here for you. Family isn't always those who are related to us by blood. You reached out here, and people have responded to you and want to help you. We don't know you but we all want to be a source of support for you. therapy will help...it takes time, have patience but you will get there. I know you want to be done, and give up with everything...but for now just hold on. You have help on for this long. Just hold on for a few months and then see how things improve...and they should improve, and if they do...make a deal to hold on a little longer. just keep holding on and seeking help and leaning on those who want to be there for you until things pick up...they will...life moves forward and these feelings of helplessness will pass. And know that death does not equal relief...that comes with time and effort while living to make progress and overcome your struggles. you are strong....look at everything you have been able to get through...abuse, dealing with identity problems, friend problems, but you are still here...and if you can come through it...you will be stronger. lean on the people here for a while...continue with the professional help, and then who knows what your life has for you...and who knows what is to come of the guy that you have been talking to but can't meet....just hold on...hold on and show up to therapy and keep talking

[horatio]

life sucks sometimes. actually quite a bit of the time... I'm caring for you for more than a second... I don't know you or even live in the same country as you, and you know what ..I get it ..I get how crappy and mixed up your life is and that you really don't want to go on living...it all sounds pretty hopeless...but I do care about you and for you and for all the other people out there that have a mixed up screwed up life... sometimes I look at other peoples 'ideal' lives and I think, why didn;t that happen to me, I look at people who have found real love more than once in life. why can't I find it even once.. well , we just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other each day, cause opting out is not really an option. all we would be doing is confirming everything we thought about ourselves in the first place and then what would the point be ?? nah... you just gotta hang in there and take solence from the simple fact that there are people ( be it online) who do care about you for more than a second... lets start moving forward together ... as others have said keep up with the therapy and just keep looking out for better days... (((hugs)))

[Wants2Fly]

Hi LV99Athetist --

Can you check back and tell us how you are doing?

[the devils child]

if you said it you really will give up.think of saying im not giving up.a less pain will atleast feel it to you

[lv99atheist]

Originally Posted by Wants2Fly

Hi LV99Athetist --

Can you check back and tell us how you are doing?

It's been a while. I'm tired of telling the story over and over again, so I'll keep it super brief. I did meet someone and had a brief and passionate relationship. I meant to take things slowly but he was having a hard time adjusting to life in the States again (and this economy sucks!) He announced that he was going back to his old job in Korea. I panicked and told him I loved him. He confessed having feelings for me too and swore he was going to spend as much time with me as possible. He fed me full of so many great promises. I told him I wanted to go back to school and finish my degree, and he promised to fly me out to Korea to visit him on a regular basis, support me as I went to school, and even wanted to marry me!

Then I found out he had been making these grandiose promises while drunk off his rocker.

He had promised to spend most of last week with me doing little else but cuddling, getting to know each other, and watch as much anime as we could stand. However, by the second day his craving for alcohol was so bad that he actually tried to sneak out of my apartment while I was still asleep. This escalated into a fight and I had two consecutive panic attacks. I had drunk a couple of shots of hard liquor and, since I can't handle even a small amount of booze myself, I got angry and put my fist through a mirror. I've never done anything like that before in my life.

Police were called and my "beloved" accused me of holding him hostage (he was always free to leave,) and manipulating him (I have panic disorder; I can't help having panic attacks when overwrought!) I was taken in to the emergency room for evaluation and consented to undertake a few days of inpatient psych care. I worried about my partner constantly because I knew he had attempted suicide himself a half dozen months ago. I didn't want him to die!

I just got out of the hospital on Tuesday. I immediately contacted my partner. He told me that he wanted us to have some space but wait and see because we might be able to salvage the relationship eventually. But I couldn't leave well enough alone. We fought yesterday when he joined a Facebook group for single people. I told him that I felt betrayed and used and coerced by him. He didn't want to acknowledge that, claiming he was the victim all along. I apologized and he told me that he was unapologetic about his drinking habits and had no intention of cutting back no matter how anyone felt about it. I told him I'd go along with it, accept it, but that I didn't like it.

Earlier today, I tried to better explain my feelings and concerns and he reacted by telling me that the relationship was over.

Now I know I am in hell.

I talked to my therapist earlier today and she knows the complete story. She even knows that I have a plan for how I might commit suicide should I opt for that route and I explained also that I had drafted a suicide note. I think she knows the truth I've known for a long time now:

My life is worthless and I would really be better off dead.

I'm an atheist, but since I've lost all sense of myself, all sense of my identity and all sense of purpose in continuing to live, I've begun to wonder that there isn't some sort of higher power up there. Only, this higher power, whatever it is, loves to occasionally pick out a few "Job" characters and really make their lives miserable, like a Sims game gone terribly wrong. I've been "praying" for a while now to just be able to drop dead. I made a post on Facebook asking "god" to prove he exists by killing me somehow as I slept (at the very least, I suffer sleep apnea. Just allow my throat to stay closed a moment too long...) There is a very good chance I might have cancer right now, too. I'm hoping I do have cancer, so I can finally die and do it the "right way" according to the culture.

I'm tired of suffering. There's been no help for me, try as I might. Everything goes to ash the minute I start to want it, and I can never have the one thing I've desired above basic food, shelter and clean water: love and acceptance for who I am. I guess I'm not good enough. I guess "god" hates me for being a gay transsexual atheist. I guess I deserve a horrible life. I really think I am in hell right now; I can't imagine a lake of fire would be any worse because eventually the fire would burn off any capability to feel pain. I'm fed up with life and I want to die.

Not much improvement over a near two-month period, is there?

[CastlesInTheAir]

I wish I had your answer and wish I had the advice to change your life for the better forever but all I can offer is kind words and if this was IRL I would offer a shoulder and hopefully a laugh or two.

I find that seeking acceptance from yourself is more valuable than seeking the acceptance from others (i struggle with this). Seeking acceptance from others involves changing world views and the way people think (wish this would happen as I think overall people are ignorant and malicious). Love the crap out of yourself......

[nevergiveup8]

Like many other users of this site, I know the feeling of hopelessness all too well. I know how tough it is to see beyond the pain but what has helped me the most is to take each day at a time and set small goals for myself.
Unfortunately, some things are simply out of our control. Our past, our biological makeup, the way others may perceive or judge us. As hard as it may be to push those negatives aside, try to focus on the aspects of your life that CAN be changed for the better. Please hang in there. You'll be in my thoughts.