no direction anymore..

hi everyone,

well i'm posting here- as a rant really.. i don't expect any responses

but.. what do you do when you've been suffering for so long with mental illness, that it's got to the point where you don't even know where you want your life to go anymore?

that's me lately... i've been having no desire to do anything anymore- i've no goals or wishes for things i want from life, i think i've got to the stage where everything i've tried so far for me has just beee a total disaster, and my life is like hanging by a rope.. i want to die really badly, but don't, if that makes sense.

just don't know what to do if i don't even have thoughts of a direction that i want to go.

I have been in that same place countless times, shattered, and was about a month ago. I get to the point where I do everything I know to do for my mental health--take my meds, go to T, see my drs--and nothing will change. I'll think, why am I doing all this? To just take up space?

I've had the wanting-to-die-but-not as well. Just wanting the ick, the blackness, the nothingness, to disappear.

Even though at this stage in the game my meds are working pretty well, etc., I still don't have a f*cking clue what I want to do with my life, goals, etc. I'm not talking about marriage or family, but more like, um....what kind of job could I handle doing at this point? Will I ever be able to work fulltime again, or is my particular wiring not built for such a regimen? I get little chirps from ppl in my life about getting a "normal" job eventually, but I'm not sure it's for me. I feel somewhat better, but I still can't drive more than a mile. So i'm in this weird-a*s limbo. Just kinda...hangin around, bobbin my head.

Sorry, prob none of this helped you. I just wanted you to know I fully empathize.

Totally understand where you are coming from. I am glad you were able to get out how you are feeling...

Been there...used to wander around the house lost and crying continuously...didn't want to live didn't want to die and thinking is this all there is? I had just moved and felt abandonded by my loved ones and all alone. Trying to set the house up and can remember trying to hang a picture just to get it up off the floor. Nail wouldn't go in and I stood there hammering and crying for about an hour. Found out later walls were plaster not drywall and they can be difficult. What helped a little for me was painting the walls. It was mindless and gives you instant gratification...you can see right away that you've done something and that helped my emotions get to a little better place. I still have issues and have to watch myself. Guess I'm saying...I hear you and this is what helped me...

actually it helped a lot

it's nice to read replies of people who have been in the same situation

That is a lot like how I feel...it seems the meds I have help with the anxiety but I still don't feel I really have any idea what I even life and a lot of times don't see the point in continuing. I mean last appointment I had I just got a list of yet more phone numbers to call to try and find proper help.

I suppose I'll make some of those calls and see if anything works out, but ever since that appointment I don't really know how to feel.

I can relate. I do all the work, keep safe, take my Rx, see my doctor(s), but I have absolutely no plans / goals / dreams any longer. In the past, every single one of my wishes/hopes/goals/plans/dreams ended in complete chaos and/or trauma.

I have gotten to the point to where my life is completely predictable and routine: and with very minimal drama. But that also means my life is lacking passion and excitement. Which right now I am happy about because I am still at the point to where if I feel in the least bit happy, it turns into major anxiety.

Just this morning, I received the worst work-related emails on my Bberry. I was stunned, angry and then crushed. At first, I wanted to just throw a major fit, write nasty email responses and turn the car around and go home and never go back to the office. I also had SI But I made myself come in.

I am not proud of the way I am managing things, but I showed up, and I still have a job. I am not faking my feelings, though. I am in a horrible mood, and I want to yell at the BODs of our firm and tell them they are ridiculous! But I am managing to stay quiet. And I saved my nasty email in a draft. I guess you could call what I am doing "stewing" and trying to distract myself.

I don't know the answers or even if it will get better on the whole. I know there will be ups and downs (like today). As far as the big picture, I don't know. I am just still working very hard on improving myself and getting better. I think that is all we can ask of ourselves, Sweetie.

I wanted you to know that you are not alone

I understand you completely, I've been at this stalling point in my life where I don't have goals, hopes, or even wishes. I pretty much have the same emotionless face plastered on all the time. I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. I'm still alive, I can feel that I am, but it seems like I'm just going through the motions.. and not actually contributing to society. I've wanted to die for some time now, but can't help but wonder if I'll miss living, If I'll be missed, If I could of change how I feel and make everything better, but the idea of being peaceful and sane for the rest of eternity just appeal to me so much more than staying here.

I had another incident at work this morning that totally set me off. I want to check myself into the hospital. I cannot take these 'effing aholes - at all - today. I am going to have a complete meltdown.

Every single time I try to be proactive and assert myself, this ONE guy shoots me down. Every single time. Not because my ideas / plans are unattainable or even COST anything to the company, but simply because he it seems he is a total sadist and enjoys saying "no" to me.

I hate when my father did it and I hate when this d*** does it.

I directly report to the CCO and President and they hate confrontation...so they won't do anything about it. Everything is so confusing to me. There is no rhyme or reason to anything, the other offices do as they please with the CFO's blessing, but apparently our office (me) gets a different treatment from him. I don't even have a budget. What a total D***.

This is not good ... I am totally having SI right now. I see no out.

Rose, that sucks so bad. I can only imagine. I was in a job once where the main manager--who was younger than everyone by several years--was obviously and regularly stealing time (and sometimes money) from the store (family owned). When she was at work she did very little. She ended up firing me over stuff I was told was not a penalty (having your drawer $2 or less off). Before that, though, I asked my Asst. Mng, "Can't you tell the owners about this?" "I've tried," she said, "but they don't seem to care." Three wks after letting me go, the owners caught her in a big lie/stealing time again, and fired her. It is so frustrating when you know you are trying to do a good job and the those-in-charge turn their eyes to the crap going on.

I'm so sorry this is going on, and so sorry you're having SI. I wish I could hug you in person.
PM me anytime.