[gon3withth3wend]

I quit almost everything I'm involved in this week. Went to all my music lessons, club meetings, and quit. Don't know why. I worry that I've made permanent decisions I might regret later. On the way to each thing, I felt a certain peace with letting it go, but then felt much worse during and later.

I tried to quit T, but she's being a bit less easy with it. I just feel like I don't want to do anything and I'm a waste of time and space.

When I quit piano today, my teacher told me that she used to feel sorry for me (because I had stopped really practicing, and was I guess wasting my potential) but now she doesn't feel sorry anymore. She said she should have let me go a long time ago, but I quit on my own terms. I really liked piano. I just couldn't be a good student. All I want to do is sleep, cry, and eat in my bed.

That whole "I don't feel sorry for you anymore" thing kind of stuck. What am I doing? How do people see me? WHY CAN'T I STOP BEING LIKE THIS! I feel like people would be able to tell if I had a bigger problem than just being a lazy dramatic crybaby. I also feel like I shouldn't want people to kind of feel sorry for me. I'm just venting.

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks for listening.

I guess I do this thing where I just talk and hope someone has something to say. I guess there is just something about me where people just don't feel a need to talk to me. It's the same with my parents, if I'm upset, they leave me alone. Everyone's attitude is either "I can't help her" or "It's her own problem." I just want someone to listen to me. Maybe it's that I haven't seen T in three weeks. I don't really want to. I might not go to my next appt either because I have a conflict that I might not have time to resolve. I've dug a whole with T because I always lie to her anyways. There is something about her that makes me want to lie. She's just so happy and so pretty, I just can't tell her really how I feel about stuff. And I always feel worse when I leave. I know I need to be honest with her for anything to happen, but it is really hard for me. Then I guess I go to the internet where, because there are no faces, I feel like I can say what I feel, but I just end up talking to myself.

I think what I do is just allow myself to get swallowed by my feelings. I know that if I just got over everything a lot quicker, I'd be so much more productive!

[Leed]

I'm sorry you didn't get any answers yesterday. Sometimes you have to wait a day or so to get replies.

It sounds to be like you are seriously depressed. I would think that your piano teacher would be more understanding than to just accuse you of being lazy. Obviously she doesn't see the warning signs of depression. She's not very observant. She's not a good "teacher." I really wish you would keep up with piano since you like it, and music is GREAT for depression. It can help you to express your feelings when you're depressed. When you're angry, you can "take it out" on the piano. When you're happy, you can play "happy' songs! When you're sad, you can pour your heart out on the piano. I play the organ,, although mine needs repair at the moment, but when it's working that's what I do -- I take my emotions out on the instrument. It really helps! My passion was always to play piano, but alas I never had one.

Perhaps your therapist isn't the right one for you. Maybe you and she don't "click." If you don't click with your therapist, it's just not going to work. You've got to have a good relationship with your therapist in order to really get things done. I had several therapists that just didn't work, and I had to keep looking until I found one that I really liked. I finally found a great one -- she was a psychologist, and was fantastic! We clicked right off the bat, and she did wonders for me! So see if you and your parents can find one that you can relate to. It's really important for you so your therapy will go better and you can stop lying! NEVER lie to your therapist, okay. You're just shooting yourself in the foot -- you're ruining your chances at getting well. Even if your present one isn't the ideal therapist, don't lie to her. Try your best to get along with her. Just don't lie. Tell her everything you can to help yourself.

I wish you the very best my friend. Please keep us posted will you? We really do care! And go back to the piano, will you? God bless. Hugs, Lee

[whoswho]

I'm sorry I don't have anything uplifting to say; I'm in the same boat as you currently. Just wanted to let you know someone actually read what you wrote and thought of you today.

[OrangeMoira]

Your piano teacher made an extremely unprofessional comment. I suspect that on some level she was upset about being fired, so she made it your problem. A new teacher who is less judgemental might be better for you if you go back to it.

People without mental health issues cannot tell if you have "bigger issues," or if, as your teacher apparently assumed, you are just regular unmotivated. You really need a professional to tell you that. You have one, and your T wants to keep seeing you. I hope you go. That is how you will get through this.

You may not be ready for this, but someday it would be great if you told your T you've been holding things back to protect her. It is unlikely that she will judge you at all negatively for it, and helping you to understand why you do that could be really good for the T relationship. I know it's scary to open up; you might discuss that issue further in the psychotherapy forum if you wanted to. It is a busier forum.

As for quitting: I am an addict! I love quitting things. It's a relief before because you are getting rid of stress and worry about the activity. But if it's something you like then you feel terrible during (I'm losing this thing I like; why won't someone talk me out of this) and after (great I'm a quitter with nothing to look forward to). Those bad feelings are a sure sign that you should not have quit those things right now. As a quitting addict I can tell you that it doesn't have to be permanent. You can go right back in and un-quit most of those things. There might be a stray comment, but it will blow over.

It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and wonder why no one notices. I'm so sorry. It's such a hard place to be in. Sometimes people don't get it. I hope you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Hugs!

[Open Eyes]

(((gon3))),

Sorry that no one replied to you right away, that has nothing to do with your worthiness, Leed is right, sometimes it takes time for members to be on PC and get a chance to read your post.

I checked out your profile page and noticed you have been a victim in childhood. Well, my dear, you have come to a point in your life where you are struggling with your sense of "worthiness" and if you "can be" or "deserve to be " happy and thrive as a person. This is very "common" to people who have been victims and they all get to a point where they struggle just as you are describing you are struggling. And yes, if they don't get positive and understanding feedback they simply take that as another reason to "withdraw and give up". And that also happens when they get therapy sometimes because they have gotten to such a low point that they begin to not want to try in therapy as well. And it is really important that a therapist is the right match for them as well, because if it isn't the right match it will only add to the sense of unworthiness.

There are a lot of members who can relate to how you are feeling my friend. And we do offer support and to let you know that you actually "can" work through this challenge and learn that it is not your fault and you can get back on track with your life. So please do not give up or give in to withdrawing and feeling you are not worthy because that is not true.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend

I quit almost everything I'm involved in this week. Went to all my music lessons, club meetings, and quit. Don't know why. I worry that I've made permanent decisions I might regret later. On the way to each thing, I felt a certain peace with letting it go, but then felt much worse during and later.

I tried to quit T, but she's being a bit less easy with it. I just feel like I don't want to do anything and I'm a waste of time and space.

When I quit piano today, my teacher told me that she used to feel sorry for me (because I had stopped really practicing, and was I guess wasting my potential) but now she doesn't feel sorry anymore. She said she should have let me go a long time ago, but I quit on my own terms. I really liked piano. I just couldn't be a good student. All I want to do is sleep, cry, and eat in my bed.

That whole "I don't feel sorry for you anymore" thing kind of stuck. What am I doing? How do people see me? WHY CAN'T I STOP BEING LIKE THIS! I feel like people would be able to tell if I had a bigger problem than just being a lazy dramatic crybaby. I also feel like I shouldn't want people to kind of feel sorry for me. I'm just venting.

Hey there gon3,

the others have said a lot I agree with, and I know support can't necessarily take pain away, but maybe pc will give you a place to lean when you need it;

I have a sleep addiction, and enjoy the feeling of staying in bed all day..but also hate the feelings of guilt that come after.

Sounds like you sure we involved in a lot...therapy is quite taxing you know, and I wonder what it would be like to have a piano teacher that was always supportive...going from what OrangeM said; it does sound like you got a teacher that was teaching more for themselves then you, and I'm sorry this person let you down, it might have been a great outlet otherwise.

Back to therapy...
I'm not sure how comfortable/not you are with your therapist..but you have a lot of this worthless theme going on, and if that's happening...ok question:

What happens if you tell your therapist that you lie, because she is so happy and pretty?

What do you think is going on for you there?

On the lying...we all have these things called "defense mechanisms" that protect us from getting hurt/threatening thoughts. If you are lying, I wonder if the questions asked are getting too deep for you, and you don't want to go there?

If your T started asking questions, and you got uncomfortable, would you be able to tell your therapist that you were feeling uncomfortable?

It sucks that you feel so unheard, and chances are that if you are a victim in childhood, you might not be able to
1. identify what you are feeling when you feel it
2. be able to stand up for yourself.

on top of a crapload of other fun stuff;

Open eyes said:

" And it is really important that a therapist is the right match for them as well, because if it isn't the right match it will only add to the sense of unworthiness. "

This hit home for me-I always worry that I'm never making enough progress in therapy, and if the therapist doesn't think they are helping me, they will give up on me. It would be in my pattern to quit on them before they gave up on me-so abandonment worries might be another thing you would want to look at-your pianist didn't fight to keep you, but seems your T is fighting to keep you, so to speak. Are you afraid your therapist will eventually give up on you?

Hope you keep posting,
take care,
-obj

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks to all of you for listening and responding.

I hope that you know when I said thanks for listening in my second post, I really meant it, I wasn't being sarcastic. I could tell people had read but not responded, but it is just good to know that somewhere in the world, people kind of care about how I feel.

My piano teacher was mostly nice to me, but I guess she had enough. I thought she was the best up until the end. It didn't help that I started crying when I quit, and she laughed at me and said that she thought it was funny. She was initially supportive and patient, but my poor practice habits were really starting to disappoint, I could tell.

I went to T today. I like her as a lady, maybe just not as my T. Maybe I have a weird idea of how it is supposed to be. I feel like I just waste an hour with her, and from the minute I sit down, she starts talking, and she steers everything in a direction that doesn't mean much to me because I don't always tell the whole truth. She always starts with "How have you been" which is a question that I can never answer completely truthfully. That just isn't the type of person I am. I was so annoyed, and left in a not-so-great mood. I don't look forward to next time. I don't feel like continuing. I guess this goes with my quitting attitude, but it seems like it would be better to try a new T and start of fresh, and I'll feel comfortable to be more truthful.

[Yoda]

[Open Eyes]

((gon3))),

When someone is a victim they are hurt in ways they don't always understand.
And from the moment "safety" in anyone is compromised, that person begins to have a sense of "low self esteem" because someone "overpowered them in some way".

The one thing that a victim begins to "respect and need" is "truth". People who suffer abuse begin to wonder why and what they want is the "truth" most of all. The "truth" represents "safety" as well.

When you go and sit with your therapist and she asks you "how was your day, or how was your week" you struggle with that question because you know that it is important to "speak the truth". So, from the very beginning of therapy your "self esteem" weakens. And often the rest of the session fades away into "it is not helping me"

One of the problems with a victim not telling the truth, is that they deeply fear they will be handed answers to their struggles that will only make them feel worse. They feel that they are "unworthy" because that is how their abuser made them feel, their pain was not important, their job was to just take it and shut up and give in. What they want to do is "hide" and find ways to shut out the world and somehow create their own "safe" world, and that often can creep toward wanting to sleep alot too.
((Obj)) that is your answer, your way of being safe.

When you sit with a therapist you are across from someone who appears to you as being strong, intelligent, capable, well educated, and may be "judgemental" if you really talk about "your personal struggle".

So when you are asked, "how was your day or week" instead of saying the truth, which is something you know is important, you try to find ways to "avoid the real truth and you say you are ok". All victims feel that no one will understand them or can really help them, because no one did that when they were victimized. And in many ways the person who abused them told them that. And because they were overpowered, they believed it on some deep level. A victim begins to "believe they are powerless, no one will believe them or understand them". A victim is deeply confused about how they feel and they can get very tired and depressed about it so they try to "avoid" it because they don't think anyone can truely help them.

Your therapist is "healthy" and you are afraid of that, you are afraid of her seeing the real you, and you have learned to protect that, because other people have showed to you that they will not help or believe in you. Your piano teacher did that to you, that situation was very close to what an abuser did, told you to the depths of you that you were "unworthy" and even "damaged".

When it comes to abusers, they can be someone everyone fears or dislikes and they are a threat but "you" are their main victim, so because you know "everyone" fears them, you wont get helped. Or, they seem to be so liked and respected by others that you feel that "no one will believe they are hurting you". Somehow your message is that if you are "honest" and try to get help, "no one will believe you or really help you". And you also know that if the abuser gets really angry because you try to tell, they will really hurt you and punish you. There will be too much risk so you are trapped somehow. Children do not understand how to deal with this, even adults can't deal with this problem. And often a victim can be a target for others to pick on, overpower and abuse and they form a "victim mentality". But they don't truely understand what that means so they find ways to "hide" and "withdraw" and they don't think anyone will understand that, so for them the truth is not something they believe anyone will be able to believe or help them with.

When people say that "you are not trying hard enough" it hurts because the mere fact that you are trying at all takes a tremendous amount of effort for you. And no one is going to see that, so you begin to feel hopeless as though it will only be a matter of time before you fail and someone will abandon you or let you down somehow. And that means you were right, it was just too hard and all your effort was a waste of time. You think in the back of your mind "if only I could get past that somehow" so you continue to "try" and make some efforts in ways "you can manage these efforts to control the hurt".

When you sit across from a therapist, to the depths of you this smart, educated, strong person just "ISN'T GOING TO UNDERSTAND THAT". And that is why most people give up on therapy. They begin to think that they are the only ones that can see themselves and it is them that has to find a way to figure it out somehow. And they really want permission to "climb into bed or withdraw when it just gets too hard".

Does that sound familiar?

A good therapist will understand this and help you, really help you, but they have to see it and know that it is very hard for you and you will need to withdraw and they need to know to back off and let you do that. And most of all, they have to believe you because if they don't it will not help you at all, and it is already very hard to sit across from them and hope they really can see "you" the way you need them to. Because to the depths of you, you already know no one else has truely "seen you" and helped you. And you want so bad to find that "special rescuer" but you never seem to find that person. You want that presence that can know your pain so badly, someone who will somehow sweep you up and hold you and give you the validation and permission you really need to find your way to thrive somehow. If only someone could "really see you" and you could look back at them with the "trust" you so desire, if only you think to the depths of you.

If only a therapist could really see, instead of asking questions and writing things down that say, patient could be this or that or they start to prejudge and misunderstand the you that you have become in order to survive somehow. Inside you is a very complicated puzzle and you are often so misunderstood and you keep getting hurt every time you try to make some kind of effort somehow. Your life becomes more about "who is going to hurt me next"? How is a therapist going to see that? you wonder.

If this is you, what I can say, what many can say is "me too".

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

And if this "is" you somehow, copy it, add to it make it yours and the next time a T askes you how your day was, week was or life was/is, hand it to them.

This is really what alot of T's need to know anyway instead of just sitting there and writing down "depressed, has anxiety, is up and down in mood, is distant, untrusting, might be bipolar? or a ton of other things?. Maybe they just need to see this first.

I took me a long time to be able to verbalize this, I did try with T's but because I felt it so deeply, I didn't think they were going to understand and sadly they actually didn't, not the way I needed it anyway. But I did finally find one that does get it, they "are" out there so don't give up.

So, if this is you, you are welcome to it, and as I mentioned, you can also add whatever you need to as well.

Open Eyes

[gon3withth3wend]

Thanks a lot! I could relate to some of the things you said. But I still don't see this going anywhere, or any other T, for that matter, I guess. The abuse isn't something I think about every day, or anything. It is also something that I refuse to talk to a T about. Because I'm 17, and because of my relationship to the abuser, I don't want to tell a T because I know that they will have to report it, and I KNOW that this would be against my best interest. My parents went to a counselor about it when I was a lot younger (this would be a longer, different story), and that person had to report it, and CPS would come to my house looking for me, an my parents told me to lie to them. I never heard from CPS again. I've learned to separate my abuser as the man that abused me, and the person that people love. Telling a T about him would undoubtedly ruin more lives than just staying quiet. This way, I'm the only one really impacted. I would like to talk to someone about it, but not until after I've left the area and I'm over 18.

The lying about how I feel isn't a T only thing, it's an everyone thing. I can't look someone in the face and talk about my feelings. My T has never written anything down while talking to me. She's really nice and not scary. I think of her more like a friend, which I think is why I lie to her, like I do to everyone else in my life. We mostly just talk about making more friends, which I just don't feel like doing. I normally tell her some things about when I get very upset. All she says about that is to remember to stop and think that everything will be okay, and my feelings will pass. That never works. I have legitimately grown annoyed with her, but now nobody will let me leave her.

[Open Eyes]

Oh hun, you should open up and talk about this as soon as you can. I am not sure that if you talk to a T about this if she has to report it.

You can share if you want to in the abuse forum too. You are anonymous here and there are others that will listen and are very understanding.

You should not keep this all to yourself and believe you have to keep it that way.
That is "victim mentality" and that is not healthy.

I speak from experienced because I kept things to myself for many years. I thought like you, "protect others and keep my own pain so I don't cause problems". That is not the way to be in life.

So, consider sharing in the Abuse forum so you have validation and someone to talk to ok?

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes