I feel betrayed and hurt

My teacher (a different one) recommended a book on cognitive therapy for me. She says that I may have a chemical imbalance in my brain as well as stress aggravating my conditions. Furthermore, she told me she had the same thing. Plus, she reassured me that it was not my fault, and that there was nothing wrong with me. It made me feel a lot better.

I want to escape this dark pit I'm in, but every time I try, I just fall back in. Anyone know what I can do? Or what little steps I should take to stop this cycle of hating myself?

((Crysalis))),

What you havent realized "yet" is that the feelings you have are "normal". If you could actually hear the inner thoughts of the other students around you, you would be surprised to know, how many of them feel just like you do. And your art teacher, the fact that he is not engaging with you, isn't your fault at all, he is just "self absorbed" with his own issues and concerns. Young students your age put a lot of value on the way their teachers interact with them, they don't realize that just because someone is a teacher, doesn't mean they are themselves "grown up and balanced".

Take some time and really look at this site, you will begin to see the "real" inner voices of other people, and that many people struggle with questions just like you do.
And most people "want to achieve and be appreciated" and "even worry about doing something wrong and being discarded somehow". It is "very human" to question self worth and even be "sensitive" like you are.

It is important to remember that with all your thoughts and worries, you are "part of" the human race, and not separate from and being judged the way you think you are.
Most people tend to be "self absorbed" and that doesn't mean that when others don't offer you "praise" that you are unworthy. Many people simply don't know "how to praise and appreciate" others, often they are concentrating on their own self worth to notice others.

So a good place to start with self improvement is to realize that many of your concerns are the same as others, it isn't that in order to feel "worthy" you have to get recognition the way you think. You have been putting to much value on the opinions of others who are themselves as vulnerable as you are.

Open Eyes

Hi Chrysalis, I wish I could offer you some advice or comfort but I too feel like a failure and hate myself. I just wanted to thank you for posting your thread. Your painting is beautiful. I believe your talent is a gift and your sensitivity a blessing. The combination of the two make for a beautiful human being. I've met enough insensitive people in my life and that hurts.

I see your teacher's apathy as their own weakness and perhaps a reflection of their own life problems. I would not attribute too much weight to their lack of interest. Your art may well be your ticket to a bright future. If I were you I'd just try to focus on what I need to do today or tomorrow. Try the best you can to learn as much as you can in school. Try to go out with friends and enjoy some simple pleasures like a movie or a good laugh. To escape your dark pit, I think you have an advantage that many don't. You have your art!! Clearly, your art is your escape from the darkness. It can be your means to express the depths of your feelings. Your paintings can project your hatred and your struggle to find the light. Maybe there is darkness today but tomorrow you may see a fleeting glimpse of light. You have the power to express your dreams of what happiness looks like in your paintings. Have you ever tried to display or sell your work? Sidewalk sales, flea markets, etc. I don't know all that is required to do this but certainly you can find out. You may be surprised to find that other people appreciate your work. I wish you the very best.

Everyone is right, you are talented, but as long as you don't believe it, and judge your worth based upon your perceived opinion's of others, you're trapped. Do you honestly believe they are a better judge of your value than you? If you could read their minds, you wouldn't have so much reverence for them. Einstein said the same thing about himself.
You're the one who has trapped yourself, so until you are truly ready to break your self-imposed bonds, you will re-live the same old fears.

edward6,

You brought out an excellent point. I know that I have a certain amount of control over my own thoughts, even though I feel like I have none. Most of the time I feel that I cannot stop my thoughts of failure and depression from entering my mind. Where does the strength to break my "self-imposed bonds" come from?

C12; you could start by realizing that no one, and I mean absolutely no one is more valuable than you are. You have way too much respect for others, and little or none for yourself. When I was young, I thought I could become the best athlete on the planet, but a crippling injury left me feeling that I was inferior to everyone, and many were quick to trample on a fallen star. Now, an old man, I realize that I am neither better nor worse, but my value rests totally on my feelings about myself. I had caged myself, and I was the only one who could set me free.

Parenting is not a easy thing to do especially when a parent needs to deal with their own challenges which you might not always be aware of, therefore parents are subject to wrong decisions or actions. This is not a excuse for a parent to unleash their emotions at you. Seeking advice is the smartest thing you can do when you are having strong emotional feeling which are causing unhappiness. There are parents that do fantastic jobs and then those that should have never been parents.

Regardless of the influences and controlling factors in your life you still and always are the owner of your thoughts and have the power to choose what you want to think. Choose to be happy no matter what you may think is bringing you down. You are at a very emotional stage in your life and by learning to control your thinking and understand how this can change your life, you have the power to become a very successful and happy person. You are young and have many years ahead of you. By learning to control your thoughts and emotions now, you will achieve what many decades older than you are still trying to learn.

Take care,
Haslow

I guess nothing lasts forever, and I should value what I have before it is gone. Yet, I am caging myself. Were you ever hesitant about freeing yourself? I know it sounds like a strange question, but I am fearful for what lies outside my ideas of self-doubt. What if I actually am a failure in reality?

Today, I am breathing. My heart is beating. I am reading. I am writing. I am looking at the little things that I can do to help me feel better about myself.

This is advice someone gave me recently, that if I am unwilling to accept compliments, I should look at the small things that I can do.

Chrysalis,

The first thing I thought when i saw your painting is, OH MY GOSH!!! I absolutely think you have alot of talent and could work in the art world once you are out of school.

Regarding being sensitive, take a look at Elaine Aron's "Highly Sensitive Person" Web site. There are also books and articles about HSPs. Yes, it is difficult to feel our emotions so intensely! But as you said, many artists have this trait (as well as many writers, actors, poets, and musicians). It enables us to be both creative, as well as intuitive and compassionate. Although it can sometimes feel like a curse, it can also be a blessing.

I would encourage you to consider seeing a therapist to deal with your issues of people pleasing, anxiety, and low self-worth. I know from experience that "pushing away" pain and sadness doesn't always work. I did that for years, until I finally had a very serious breakdown into clinical depression, which has taken me years to climb out of.

Take it from me, it is better to be honest with yourself about your pain and sadness, and get some professional help, rather than pretending to be a superwoman. I would hate to see you go down the same path I did.

Everyone strikes out; some more often than others. Not attempting to swing has caused me more depression than almost anything else. "I'm no good;" I'm a loser;" "they're right." The worst part about failure isn't the people who put me down, but me! I buy into it, and start carrying it around in my head. I keep trying, but I'm my own worst enemy. This is the cage that I'm talking about.

Hello everyone,

It's been forever since I've been on Psych Central. Everything has been extremely hectic lately. Three college applications in one day!

But, recently, I've also gotten my heart broken. So, I'll just keep acting composed since that's all I'm good for. And people will laugh at me because I'm just a loser who couldn't even get a prom date...

And for some reason, I cannot even sleep well anymore even though I am so tired. And my eyes burn from all the crying... Help me please...

Hello everyone,

It's been forever since I've been on Psych Central. Everything has been extremely hectic lately. Three college applications in one day!

But, recently, I've also gotten my heart broken. So, I'll just keep acting composed since that's all I'm good for. And people will laugh at me because I'm just a loser who couldn't even get a prom date...

And for some reason, I cannot even sleep well anymore even though I am so tired. And my eyes burn from all the crying... Help me please...



first....... ((((((((hugs))))))
second... you are not a looser, you are a fighter, stronger than all those laughing at you. if they had walked your life they would be a lot worse than you are
third....... most prom dates do not last the evening, pity those who missed out on a date with you the strongest kid in town!
fourth...... good luck with college x

keep thinking positive, little by little you can grow into the person you want to be psycologically with the help of a therapist especially, and believe me i wish i had never gone to my prom it was a bummer.

Thank you for the hugs and for reminding me that I am a fighter, not a quitter. Right now, I am struggling to mend my friendship with that person. Because I did say my share of harsh words as well.
But I will not give up, and the same goes for college.
And, furthermore, I need to learn how to accept myself and that not going to prom is okay. It's okay right? Oh well, I just need to focus on the good. But I did accomplish a few things in my high school career: valedictorian, 12 college classes, and Presidential Scholar nomination. So, me not going to prom doesn't make me a loser. I will try my best to believe that.

Well, therapist is still not an option for me because there is no way I can do it without my parents knowing because I cannot drive, and I need to use my parents' insurance otherwise I will have to spend money I do not have. So, I will continue to try to find solutions and move forward. Plus, I have matured a lot will supporting individuals such as you on Psych Central, and I really am grateful for the immense support I have received here.
Anyways, I'm glad to know that I am not going to be missing a lot by skipping out on prom.

Hello,

I want to find a solution to overcome my fear of what others expect of me. I cannot stand the fact that I feel miserable when someone criticizes me or mocks me. How should I start? Any advice or personal stories would be appreciated.

Thank you~

Yesterday, my heart started beating rapidly, and my breathing accelerated. Tears streamed down my face, and I felt really weak. I don't know what happened to me. Someone said something, and my world seemed to collapse for a moment. Is this an anxiety attack or just normal panicking? There's been so much on my mind lately, and I have become extremely restless. I am still determined to improve myself, but it's been difficult lately.

And I no longer have rose tinted glasses on. The world seems so much scarier now. And harsher.

It might have been an anxiety attack. I want to say you are obviously a very intelligent and talented individual. Your painting was awsome. I always wished I could draw or paint but my talents ran in a different direction. I wish your parents were more supportive so you would get some help in dealing with stuff.

Since you have to deal without the support of your parents and help from a therapist you need to develop another support system or two which you have started by posting here. You are also reading up and learning how to deal with your depression and anxiety.

The main thing I wanted to say is I think you are a very strong, intelligent, creative person you just need to believe it. You have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I get the need to perfect especially when that is what is expected of you by others. I've been there. Please hang in there, I know it doesn't seem that way but things will get better eventually.

Take care of yourself

I am still feeling a bit restless because of my disappointment in myself. No matter what I do, I still feel empty. People have always told me that I was a perfectionist. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it's okay to makes mistakes and fail, I am never mentally prepared for failure. When I fail, I break down no matter how hard I told myself I wouldn't. Yet, I keep trying, even though I know I will fail. I feel so stupid.

I try writing in a journal, but it seems that my emotions never go to the page. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to believe the good things people, but I can't because I don't trust them. I always think that they actually pity my incompetency so much that they say good things about me. I can't stand that. Trusting people is so difficult.

It is really difficult to be a human being: always a constant struggle between the id and the superego. At least according to Freud. Is there any way to achieve a balance between your true self and the idealized person you envision? I no longer care about who I am because I am striving to become the idealized version of myself. But, I believe that I can't achieve that.

I will try to hang on, but my fingers are slipping. Or I am losing a lot of my will to hang on tight.

I'm tired. I can't think of any words anymore.

Sometimes, not caring is blissful. When I tell myself " I don't care what others think," it gives me a sense of serenity.

But it's only temporary.

I have not obtained a true attitude of apathy simply because I care too much. I care about how others view me, my goals, and my idealized self. Overall, I just care about everything, even matters that are outside of my control.

That teacher was probably trying her best to save a life.