dark hammers of rage

I am so angry at how I have been treated in life. I deserved better. I deserved a chance. Instead, due to selfishness and stupidity of my family and just bad luck, I was born with a weak respiratory system. I have suffered much of my life just trying to breathe. I could list list details, but why bother. I hate the world and my place in it. I can't seem to fix things. Anger turns to sadness, but there is still plenty of anger. And so much stupidity and injustice. I'm tired of fighting it. No one cares.

We care. When you have health problems (physical and mental) that make day-to-day activities hard to do, and when it's even hard to relax, life isn't fair. It's scary, sometimes, too.

I think you'll find a lot of people here (myself included) who feel we deserve better than what we got. Others have low self-esteem and think they deserve the bad things that happen to them, but that's not true. I just want you to know you're not alone.

I am reading a book recommended by someone on this site. (Sorry, I forget who it was at the moment.)

It relates to what I stated above - wasted potential due to lack of encouragement - but it seems to focus on how to self-nurture, to continue on from what was broken. Well, it's not going to change the health issues I was given, but maybe it will help with this bugaboo of no purpose or satisfaction. Here's the book as downloadable pdfs:

Welcome to the home of Barbara Sher's WISHCRAFT!

I feel you. I went through the midlife thing a while back, where you look back over your life and regret all the things that could have been and weren't. There were no expectations or guidance for me either. I took decades to realize that I had any value at all.

So what's the alternative at this point? Going down the Buddha path is working for me. The past is gone; what matters is now and so on. Feel free to message me if you want to discuss it some more.

Well, for me, this is not just a midlife thing. I've always been at sea. Got an insight from thinking about the book today, which was great. Got me a little bit unstuck and moving towards a little something.

I like some things about buddhism - would you be willing to say what you mean by Buddha path?

(((H3rmit)))

I care.
I understand (i hate myself and my life mostly as well just for different reasons as you).

And yes this is so much more than just midlife stuff l8blmr, it really is.

This is how we are, how we have been our entire lives. We try and try to make it better, get rid of all of it to no avail.

I love barbara sher

Yeah? Why?

I wish I could remember who had linked this book so that I could thank them. Somehow Perna comes to mind?

I've read stuff of hers. Idk if it was perna. Perna has certainly lived up to what barb says.

Wow!!!

You are swimming laps having been born with a weak respiratory system?

You are a trooper!!!

Well, as I said, I'm not fast. I'm not an athlete. The pool is cold, so I just keep plugging. 55 minutes tonight. But it heals my legs and feet, so it's worth it. Trooper? Yes, that captures my fashion sense!

Do you know if the swimming practice will develop your lung capacity (or volume, I am not sure how it is called)?

Are you thinking of VO2 max?

VO2 max - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Oxygen uptake volume. I guess it must, since I push really hard and I'm breathing hard and have to recover. I'll ask my swim instructor on Friday.

I lived at a time when kids just grew up. Whatever happened, happened. I was an only child & although I was loved, little was done for me. I'm still angry about it all of these years later. I know it wasn't my parents fault. We were poor, but they did what they could for me. I said to my therapist one time that my parents tied me to the stake, & then fed me cookies while I burned... (It's a long story...)

From what I was told later in my childhood, & what I remember myself, it was perfectly clear very early in life that I had problems but no one did anything. I guess back then, it just didn't work that way. All throughout high school, I was terrorized by a gang of older bigger kids. They beat me up & broke my nose. I got blamed for it. Everyone knew what was happening: the school, my parents, nobody cared. I could go on... I sincerely believe they'd have killed me if the opportunity had arisen. They might not have intended to, but I believe it would have happened.

I try not to dwell on this stuff. I know the past is gone. But it's hard to move forward when you still have a ball & chain locked on your leg. It's too late to do anything about any of it now anyway. So I just try to take enough psych meds to keep myself going. Nobody really cares now either as long as I just keep myself going & don't act strange. Sorry to be so negative. But sometimes it just comes spilling out. Thanks for reading my post.

Hi Bedobones - that's terrible you were bullied. I have several geeky guy acquaintances, and my husband, who went through a lot of stuff like that. I was the biggest kid in the class, tall and strong, so that never happened to me. I stood up for kids that got bullied when I saw it. I hate injustice.

About the past, yes, we must let it go. Even when I think of my parents' mistakes, I can forgive them. I know they meant well and were ignorant about many things that are understood differently now. The one that kills me still, however, is the smoking. I was a passive smoker, the respirologist said, until I left home. Even in the womb, I was a passive smoker. I could let it go easier if it didn't still affect every breath I take. That makes it hard. Well, not EVERy breath. Thankfully I don't have to think about it every moment, but it becomes obvious very frequently. I struggle with health and physical activity as I have all my life. Hey, at least I have a good mind. I can thank my parents for that, I guess.

Negativity doesn't bother me, so rant away if you feel the need, not that I perceived your post as negative. You have mentioned before this need to "pass" or not act strange. Do you never get to let it out? At least I have my husband and he has me, and we can be ourselves at home, if no one else would understand. I hope you have at least that. Social norms are often an unnecessary ball and chain, and are sometimes useful structures for communication or getting things done.

Edit: PS, the wishcraft book argues it's never too late to do something, but of course that's a choice and requires effort. I'm finding it thought-provoking.

I don't know what to say; words escape my ever working, non-stop mind, but know that I do care and I "get" a lot of it from personal experience.

Whoops; sorry if I implied this was just a midlife thing. My intention was to suggest that the unfairness of how we get where we are and the anger that we feel becomes more clear and intense during that time.

Buddha path for me means taking comfort from believing that our human experience begins as series of patterns of impulses formed in our brain during our early years. The suffering and disappointment that we feel about or lives is a reaction not to what is but what we believe it is. And the path towards happiness involves contacting our witnessing self and seeing the transient thoughts and the emotions that they invoke as passing events with little significance.

Anyway that was my best effort at putting it into words. When we're experiencing self hatred and self criticism smarter people than me have shown that self kindness and self compassion are called for. This is a good place to start:

Self-compassion - A Healthier Way of Relating to Yourself

Hi again H3rmit! Yes, my parents were both smokers too. They both quit after I left home (hm-m-m-m-m...) I remember my mother telling me that, as a baby, I had what was then referred to as Colic. She said she would try to hold me & I would become "stiff as a board" & scream! I never really thought much about it until recently. But now it occurs to me that I was probably born addicted to nicotine & was going through withdrawl!

The only outlet I have is when I'm alone. My wife works, I don't. (It comes out in strange ways) Also on the internet. That's why I'm SO glad to have found PC. I think if I didn't have PC & YouTube, I'd probably just implode!

Yes, I've had many a conversation with transsexual YouTubers, who are transitioning & documenting their transition on YouTube. They always emphasize that it's never too late. And I know that this is true. But for me it is too late. Something like that would destroy my marriage & leave my wife completely alone in the world. All I can do now is to keep going as best I can for as long as I can.

Thanks so much for listening to my rant, H3rmit!

I agree it can be too late for some things for some people. I hate it when people say, "It's never too late," and overgeneralize about that. But as far as the book, it says it's not too late to rethink and find new ways to improve your life (and work in my case).

I care. I am not happy with the world either, but I know I have to keep fighting, even if it's so hard and makes me weak. Is there anything you enjoy? Anything that helps you forget?

Yes, I have heard "it's never too late" so many times I couldn't count! I like this book's perspective much better.