[indigo1015]

I can't do it anymore - it is too difficult for me to pretend I am happy and comfortable in my own skin when there is no way this can possibly be true. I can't love the unlovable... I've tried, Christ how I've tried, but it is impossible. I've tried to say positive things to myself, I've tried to take better care of myself (recently I started kickboxing... another pathetic attempt to lose weight). I am a useless, stupid, fat, ugly loser who has never achieved anything and never will. No one can possibly love me, I wish someone would just put me down. If we put animals out of their misery, why can't we do it to humans too? I'm sorry... I tried, and tried, and tried... but I can't keep waking up in the morning only to look at myself and hate everything about me. I don't have the money for a therapist, I don't want to go to the gym anymore because it's truly humiliating being the fattest and most out-of-shape person in the gym, and I am all alone here - my roommates are my roommates, not my friends, and I am not comfortable asking them for advice. Come to think of it, I have no friends here. And DON'T say, "If you can't love yourself, how can you expect other people to love you?" It's pure ********. I am perfectly capable of loving other people - I've done it time and time again, and my heart has gotten stepped on. Oh please, someone shoot me.

[schnauzerowner]

You are more courageous than you give credit...you share that you go to the gym....and wont anymore because of the humiliation....I commend you...I bet there are others more out of shape than you but they lack the courage to come to the gym.

I ENCOURAGE you to continue to come to the gym and commend yourself for coming. I commend you.
I see something in you that is so honest and worth not giving up!

I ENCOURAGE you to continue to take the steps to change what you are not happy with...note that you are taking steps to change...CONTINUE.

Dont give up..I will believe with you that your life will improve....!

So glad you posted and that I saw your post. You are not a loser! I will be a friend!

[whovian456]

I understand how you're feeling. The truth is deep down inside I know I'm the same way, however, I often disassociate myself from the world to the point I don't feel alive. I know this is hard, but you have to keep going. Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes life feels like hell, other times it is smooth sailing. And about the fat situation, society has taught us that we need to be skinny in order to be "beautiful." But the truth is beauty is such a subjective concept that there is no definite connotation of the word. Fat shamming is a sad, but all too common concept within our society. Fat should not be a negative word, personally I find fat women, and men alike beautiful. You do not need to learn how to love yourself to survive, I hate myself, and I believe I always will. But never be ashamed of who you are. I hate myself, but I am not ashamed of the fact. I know it is hard, but I believe in you. You are not alone. I hope things lighten up for you sweetie. Place yourself amongst a loving community, I recommend checking out body positivity blogs, they have helped me immensely. I mean, I still hate everything about myself, but it taught me not to be ashamed.
Hold good.

[H3rmit]

Hey, it really sounds like you're beating yourself up, calling yourself pathetic and loser. I've done it, and it seems to make the hurt worse. But I hear that's how you feel right now.

Don't ask people in the gym for advice. Research some good advice. With an intense-for-you workout and some food control, you can make quick gains/losses. One source of decent advice is "Body for Life" (a book). There are a few others that are realistic and practical. The worst thing you could do is get the advice of people who have always been fit and are just doing maintenance, or who enjoy being in the gym. So you are doing the right thing there, whether you know it or not, but not asking other gym users for advice.

[Otter63]

Yesterday I told my husband I was going to kill myself by eating a bunch of rice. They say on the news it has arsenic in it (in amounts that are supposed to be okay). " Suicide by rice," I said. He said they would see the arsenic and accuse him.

Of course I was joking around, but I'm all too familiar with the feelings you describe. I'm 150 lbs overweight myself and I'm afraid to diet because I believe that part of what has brought me to this point is dieting (the other factor being meds). I lost eighty pounds six years ago and kept it off for three years. Then I went manic twice and gained it back plus ten lbs.

I just want you to know you're not alone. Things change, so hang in there.
Hugs!!!

[waggiedog]

Oh wow ~ I can't believe that another person can actually feel exactly the SAME as I do! Oh you missed out one thing that also applies to me: Fat, stupid, ugly, a looser AND OLD!!!!! Yep I went to the gym today because my therapist told me too, yet all I see is other folk looking happy, fit and SLIM (and perfect of course) plus they are all in their nice little ''niches'' chatting and laughing to each other. After 8 months at the gym I have gained weight yet have eaten nothing but ''healthy'' food, so now I've stopped eating and drink instead, ha ha that used to work years ago so worth a try. I have no qualifications in anything so work is unavailable. My volunteer work has dried up because of depression (I have BPD). I sooooooo understand how you feel and simply ''pulling your sox up'' doesn't work. If you need an understanding ear I'd be more than willing to listen. However you might have to put up with my ''negative'' **** too!!!!! Occasionally I can be ''oki'' though. HUGS and more HUGS. I'll leave a message on your visitor page hunny. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[kaliope]

I can hear how down on yourself you feel, but as others have said you are missing the positive....you get to the gym, you are doing something about yourself. that takes real courage and motivation. something many of us lack. for times you are feeling like this, I encourage people to focus on one thing positive about themselves. like I am a great professional writer, so no matter how bad I felt about me and how much I was trash talking me, I could always say, yeah but, I am a great professional writer and have something positive to feel good about myself with. so what it that one positive thing about you. you have initiative to get yourself to that gym, what other talents do you have that you can feel good about? use them to counteract the barrage of negativity that you bombard yourself with. take care.

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by whovian456

I understand how you're feeling. The truth is deep down inside I know I'm the same way, however, I often disassociate myself from the world to the point I don't feel alive. I know this is hard, but you have to keep going. Life has its ups and downs. Sometimes life feels like hell, other times it is smooth sailing. And about the fat situation, society has taught us that we need to be skinny in order to be "beautiful." But the truth is beauty is such a subjective concept that there is no definite connotation of the word. Fat shamming is a sad, but all too common concept within our society. Fat should not be a negative word, personally I find fat women, and men alike beautiful. You do not need to learn how to love yourself to survive, I hate myself, and I believe I always will. But never be ashamed of who you are. I hate myself, but I am not ashamed of the fact. I know it is hard, but I believe in you. You are not alone. I hope things lighten up for you sweetie. Place yourself amongst a loving community, I recommend checking out body positivity blogs, they have helped me immensely. I mean, I still hate everything about myself, but it taught me not to be ashamed.
Hold good.

:goodpost

You will be okay, yo

[cnfused.girl]

I personally find you to be braver than you may think. I could never go to the gym. I'm so scared to see peoples reaction to me being in the gym. After I have my baby I do plan to go to the gym though. I have had this sudden spur of inspiration to just be a better person and say ***** what other people think of me. Dont worry you'll get there babe! We all go through ***** but we eventually get back up and it always makes us stronger. fight to be better for yourself. Just as you can love someone else you can love you even more.

[SeekerOfLife]

Dear Indigo, my heart goes out to you. I can tell you are in much emotional pain. You have more courage than you realize. (When I go to exercise class, I can't get anyone to talk to me. After 1.5 years, I am still not good at the routines, but hey, it makes me feel great!)
I am not happy either. I can't remember the last time I was. BUT, I choose contentment. Sure, its hard. Every morning I give thanks for all my blessings. For example, I am unemployed, but I give thanks for my vehicle to go job hunting.
You are already loved. Your heavenly Father loves you! Choose to believe it.
My heart has been crushed and ripped out many times. When my head stops spinning, I pick myself up and go on.
I am financially poor. I see a therapist through a county program for the poor.
Dear, you sound like you struggle with self-esteem problems. So do I. Every day I declare something positive, such as "Today IS a great day!"
Read a really amazing book, Life Without Limits, by Nick Vujicic. He is a hero to me.
I have been on this forum but a short time, and I have found support, understanding, and some compassion. It's ok to need to talk to someone. I feel that same need. God bless you.

[indigo1015]

Hi everyone, thanks for all the positive thoughts... I'm sorry I haven't checked back here until now. That night, I went to the emergency room, because I was so scared that I was going to kill myself. They put me in a short-term inpatient facility, and I was discharged this morning. I'm feeling a bit better about my situation, and I am figuring out how to deal with these thoughts and feelings BEFORE they get to the point where I am ready to kill myself. I just wanted to say "Thanks" to all of you :-D

Originally Posted by indigo1015

I can't do it anymore - it is too difficult for me to pretend I am happy and comfortable in my own skin when there is no way this can possibly be true. I can't love the unlovable... I've tried, Christ how I've tried, but it is impossible. I've tried to say positive things to myself, I've tried to take better care of myself (recently I started kickboxing... another pathetic attempt to lose weight). I am a useless, stupid, fat, ugly loser who has never achieved anything and never will. No one can possibly love me, I wish someone would just put me down. If we put animals out of their misery, why can't we do it to humans too? I'm sorry... I tried, and tried, and tried... but I can't keep waking up in the morning only to look at myself and hate everything about me. I don't have the money for a therapist, I don't want to go to the gym anymore because it's truly humiliating being the fattest and most out-of-shape person in the gym, and I am all alone here - my roommates are my roommates, not my friends, and I am not comfortable asking them for advice. Come to think of it, I have no friends here. And DON'T say, "If you can't love yourself, how can you expect other people to love you?" It's pure ********. I am perfectly capable of loving other people - I've done it time and time again, and my heart has gotten stepped on. Oh please, someone shoot me.