Need a reason

To stay alive most days.

Can't get over traumas in my life and it wont ever stop.

I have been a bad person and deserve to suffer because of that

It wont ever stop and I will never get better. death is the only anwser

Nobody is 100% bad. Please don't let yourself think like that. Cling to the good in you and focus on that.
Your life is worth living. Hugs

I do have a lot of good in me and a lot of love too.

I have just been so bad and struggle to show any part of me that isn't compensatory. People don't believe that I am anything good and they hate me because of thjat. They think I deserve my head being messed with or to be treated badly. maybe they are right

I don't think this life will work out now and most days I don't want to be here

thank you for your kind words and time x

Hi Sky BlueBlack, Just because people think something doesn't necessarily mean that they're right to think that at all!! In the same way that people can bully others not because they deserve it but because....well there are lots of reasons completely separate from the person they are bullying.
You say you've been bad, well sometimes people do things that they may regret doing without really realizing the true consequences at times, sometimes without any "ill intent", sometimes because they can't see any other way at the time, sometimes because of the effects of their experiences, sometimes because of extreme feelings...........so maybe what you've done/been can be understood if looked at in a more empathetic way??
And really, everyone is going to have done/do something they've looked back on and thought "Why!!" it is all part of being human.
But if you want to tell us a little more about why you think you've been bad maybe we can work together on putting the pieces back together for you??
Sometimes things can seem a lot worse than they actually are, initially or if you're struggling with them on your own without much support.
And like you said, you have a lot of good and a lot of love in you. Now that really is worth so much!! Too much to overlook, and too much to allow other people to dismiss!!
Now maybe with some support you can start to overcome some of the things that have happened for you and allow the good parts of you the space they truly deserve.
AND, we care, we're here for you, perhaps if you can just give us a bit more information we can help you to help yourself to move through/past things, and move forward.
Alison

Thank you Alison

I got caught up with someone who didn't treat me all that well. Because of this I was bad to him in some of the worst ways I could think of. I also behaved badly towards my friends, about my friends. I was abusive and cruel and behaved in extreme ways. He was cruel to me and messed with my head but that is no excuse for the way I have been.

I did try and stop and leave that life behind as it was not the person I wanted to be. Trouble was that the person I had been bad to had taken everything I had said and relaid it back to the world, along with personal information about me.

Now people use this information to mess with my head. They encourage me to engage in certain conversations and then add to this information. I can never get free and never recover. The whole thing ate me up and I have never and will never get past it in my mind.

I was a bad person, I cannot deny that. I am very sorry for all that happened and it has driven me to be very ill in my mind. My life has become a game that is played by people for fun and I cannot escape it. I do have a lot of love in me and despite what this person has done I still have affection for him and love for everyone who has been in my life.

It is nice that you say that you care. But you would probably hate me too. everyone does. I suppose I deserve it and do think that the only peace I can now get is by dying

Thank you for reading xxxxx

You're definitely not bad if you love all the people who have been in your life. Who knows, maybe being on the outside gives you a clear view of how others are really acting, while they don't have a clue.
Also, if you treated that person in a way similar to how they treated you, then don't feel bad. That's just nature to fight back and protect yourself. There are a lot of abused people out there who let themselves go when someone starts attacking them, and it only increases the behavior. It's great that you feel guilty, though. It means it wasn't in your nature, but just something unusual, or you felt you had to do. Don't let the way he treated you or spread information about you make you feel like you're lower than him. It's great you're being the bigger person here and know that what you've done was wrong.
As for bad things, I think every person has done at least one great bad thing in their life, even those who seem extremely perfect. I've heard some bad stories in my life and I honestly forgive a lot of those people if they changed their ways.
Another thing is that maybe the people are making your problem out to be over-exaggerated for their own fun... I've had this happen to me to, and starting to hang around new people was like the opening of a curtain I had forgotten was there. Suddenly-daylight! The people messing with your heads don't know what it's like in your shoes, after all.
Either way, I'm sorry to hear of this... I had been feeling similarly too lately, but from different problems. Reading your post made me feel not as alone in this. One thing that helped was telling myself that I would just see how the week will go and not put on such a fake look and attitude I usually have. That helped lift a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Can you tell us who are all these people who don't like you? Can tell us who are "They"? Please tell what bad things did you do? Be specific! People who hurt others, you need to stay away from any way.

All the people I have ever known. Anyone that is involved in it. other people who have found out over time......

Specifically - spent my time high and being egotistical. Told this person everything I knew about everyone. Passed judgement on them and their lives.

Was verbally abusive to this person, acting uncaring, spent their money, insulted them, kept them awake, slagged them off ....I was very destructive in every area of my life. Quite a lot I don't fully remember tbh

I didn't drown cats or slap about old people or anything like that, if that's what you are getting at?

Now people comment or make reference to personal things that he told everyone. They have me around so that they can take the piss or they hate me.

Breezy day -Thank you for your message. I am sorry you have experienced something similar. I feel truly sympathetic if that is the case. Please share your story and how you feel about it on this thread? I would want to listen xx I also put on this 'fake' me. I struggle to know how to be around people and be alright and sociable without it. I feel I have to put it on or I would just be low and sad and massively insecure otherwise. I also worry about dealing with all the pain so I lock it all away as I think I might have a really bad breakdown otherwise and I worry about that. xx

First, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

While I can't say I know you personally, I don't believe you are a bad person. You may have gone through a bad time and may have hurt some people, but we shouldn't let those situations define our lives. I could say the same thing about myself and I don't believe I'm a bad person. I am positive you have redeemable qualities AND you deserve a life of friendships and happiness.

I think you need to really look at your relationship with this guy. You said you still have affection for him. I can understand that, but is it because you fear being lonely? What is driving this relationship and is it healthy?

I think you need to at least try to make things right with your friends if you believe these friendships are important to you. Think about the things that you said or did, and why. Did you really mean them? Where you just trying to agree with your male friend? Did you not know how to respond or where you afraid to respond because your friend would have been upset with you?

Once you're able to figure these things out, you can ask your friends if you can talk to them so you can let them know how important their relationships are to you and to explain what was happening. Invite them to meet you at a coffee shop or restaurant, someplace that is neutral. If you're uncomfortable confronting them face to face, craft an email saying what you want them to know. I caution you on sending an email only because if things don't go well you don't want them to use it against you.

When we find ourselves in these situations they don't need to be the end of our relationships. Good friends will understand. I wish you well.

Hi Sky BkueBlack, you know that everyone is going to make some mistakes in life, the main thing is to learn from those mistakes and make things different for yourself in the future. And you are obviously taking them seriously so that's a real good start.
Don't forget as well though that some of this could have been triggered by the way you were treated by the other person too. From what you say their behaviour would have had quite an effect on you and the way you reacted to them and others.
But you'll at least maybe have learned to spot some signs (maybe if you look back??) as to the kind of person to avoid?? And the chances of finding yourself in that kind of situation again are going to be a lot less, right?
Now you've clearly grown into a very different person than the one who did the things you did, so you can have a very different life ahead of you. As for the one's who aren't letting go of what you did then, if they're not understanding why you may have done those things and not accepting any apologies then I'd say that you need to make as much distance from them as possible. You are probably going to find that some of them are going to have moved on from it in time though. Old news, right?
Now just try to live your life as you feel is right and prove to them/prove to yourself that you are who you are now, not who you were then.
And be proud of who you are now, it clearly matters to you that you are doing "right" by others and by yourself. Now that is something great to take forward with you.
Alison

If you are dealing with drug addiction, then that can, and will cause you to feel the way you. Seek Therapy and Reabilatation. Drugs do mess with your thinking quite a bit, thus you could say bad stuff with out being aware of it.

Someone very wise once told me that doing something bad does not equate to being a bad person.
Since you are no longer doing things that you consider to be "bad", then perhaps you can move forward from this.

I have mentioned this before....I'm a big believer in atoning, or doing penance for my past bad behaviors....Not in any kind of radical or even related way....
I simply try to do something good in an other area of my life that I wouldn't normally do. Perhaps buy lunch for someone less fortunate than myself. Or donate to the women's shelter.
I realize that we should do these things anyway, but I try to keep in mind why I am doing them.
It doesn't erase the past, but it does help me feel better about myself.

I started adopting a little boy in Africa and have made him a card and sent pictures to him. I also donate to a food bank in the area I am originally from. I wouldn't say that it made me feel all that much better though.

I wish people in real life where as forgiving and kind as you are here. They are of the opinion that I have no excuse for the way I was and dislike me and because they have read all of my personal business, they find it entertaining to make comments and run tests. I am very insecure and follow people's lead quite a lot so I find it hard to stand up for what I believe in. I can also get very negative about things and have very destructive behavioural patterns so this affects how I can be as a person. All of these things have bearing on this and I am judge as horrible for.

I don't take drugs any more and I am starting psychological therapy soon. I just don't see how it a can change the reality of it all

I have broken contact with everyone I used to know and have lost all friends. The people that I worked with also knew about this so when I start a new job, this information will be passed on and it will all start up again.

I am so very ill with all of this and it has affected me mentally in other ways. Ultimately I don't see a way out and the thought of it all sends me over the edge. I think about suicide a lot

Thank you for all of your kind responses, I really do appreciate the time you have ALL spent talking to me xxxx

Life is a blank piece of paper. It can be confusing because there aren't any specific guidelines, like a coloring book. Whether you tear it apart or paint a beautiful picture is up to you. Don't publish it before it's finished.

*Hugs*

I didn't publish it. I tried to learn from it and rewrite the bits I didn't like. Unfortunately someone else published it before it was finished and that's why I am left in this mess.

The end has been decided for me and my critics, though fair and fair enough/deserved.

No sorry, remorse, loneliness, self abuse, isolation, misery...and so on will make it alright again. And you can't paint over a painting already hanging in the gallery. It doesn't work that way xxx

How old are you if you don't mind my asking?

Hi Sky BlueBlack, I'd say there's easily more than one book in you, things have already changed so much from how you were then. Allow the next book to be one that shows how much you've moved things along, you do have it in you!!!
And since when do galleries not replace pictures from time to time??
I'd say that they'd find the new one you're working on so much more stunning. Just give yourself time.....this is just a beginning, a beginning of a new you.
And you know what, anyone who isn't buying doesn't matter, there are going to be plenty who will!!
Alison

I am 39.

I have lost my job, my home, all my friends and my psychological wellness.

I experience psychosis when I think too much as the pressure of dealing with it just tips me over the edge.

Alison - Thank you. I do think a bad reputation is very hard to shake off. Plus I struggle to not compensate for all the insecurity, which makes me seem no different at times. And people take everything I say in a negative way and believe there is something nasty meant behind it. I actually don't feel that way about people but they think I do. This sends my brain into overdrive and I find myself saying really stupid things or jabbering more and more, which makes me sound worse.

I know I shouldn't be this messed up at my age and I had made massive improvements. The thing with this person was a journey down bad roads to come out a better person and I knew that at the time and was abusive to me in the process. But that progress is all gone and I am just a mess now.

I am not saying I don't deserve to be this destroyed as I behaved really badly and hurt people. But in this state I haven't got it in me to re-enter society

ALL of your words of encouragement are amazing but they don't transfer into a world as cruel as this one imo

Thank you xxxxxx

Hi Sky BlueBlack,

I think the advice given here by Frankbtl and shabur and others is wonderful. You sound like you have a clear head and can think things through. About seeing life as a book... sometimes I think about how if I spent the next half my lifetime living a good life, how old will I be, or how could I learn to live a good life now after living many years in bad times? It sounds like you're doing what's best for yourself right, such as going to therapy. That's empowerment.

About the way I was feeling similar to you, it's a pretty different situation. I was taking care of a family member I loved that died. I lost a lot of respect for myself for that happening, and missed them. Because I let myself slip, I don't try to make friends and everyone I know always has friends. People notice this and have started treating me badly for it, and some openly avoid me with no regret. I can understand them avoiding me, though. I probably wouldn't make the best type of friend right now. So, sometimes just going out and dealing with people seems to make me feel a bit better, even if they don't like me. It's hard to accept yourself when others don't like you, but it's an important lesson I haven't learned completely yet. However, it sounds like a lot of people are very harsh to you.

I think that you should praise yourself for taking care of a family member, rather than berate yourself for them passing. I think taking that on in the first place is very admirable.

I think your recovery will be slow but definitely achievable and in time you will make friends. Please be kind to yourself and now the summer is coming maybe go out amongst nature as I am sure that will help.

I am around if you want to talk, please pm me. We should encourage one another to take steps to go out and do things that we enjoy

Thank you for sharing your story and lots of love to you xxx