I'm so pissed

I'm fed up. Why do I have to be popular to get anything?

I'm fed up, I hate how people get relief for whatever and support, because people like them and or know them. It's not fair, I accept, I'm such a ***** worrying about this. I'm going to die from me killing myself someday with my medical problems crashing on me. My stagnant music career, my failing voice and body. I hate myself, because I can't work with this broken body and people say I got it fine. It's far from the truth. I can't cry for help, people don't want to help me.

I'm not what they envisioned as someone who needs help. All I can do is take it out on myself when I can't do a song right or produce a track in time. All I want to do is have my body stop working from my medical stuff someday. I just want this hell to stop, but no I'm told it will get better. I can't take this bs from my family and friends. I'm poor, because of situations I had no control of, I am lonely of things I had no control of I choose to be happy. I hate how people are so damn critical of me and expect me to get better.

I hate having to pretend, I hate doing good at something with my self esteem in the tubes, because I don't have the help I need. I know someone will comment about therapy. I can't afford basic stuff anyways, why bother living. I hate SPS so much, it's robbed me the rest of my freedom I have left so far. I try to exercise like I used to I can't even get an hour in without my body clamping up and being a statue for the whole day.

No seems to care or notice, it's like I have to be either shot in the head or something to get someone to notice me. I seriously hate being me, I serious hate having to go through so much abuse and end up expecting to die the next no matter what success has came in for me. It's BS it's like I'm not supposed to be sad, and all I want to do is kill myself. I don't want to go to the hospitals I can't afford anything. My medical situation has made life hell and I can't afford physical therapy, and I'm tired of my life financially falling apart. I tried making a gofundme account, and end up not getting crap with my story. I'm popular enough or considered crippled enough. I'm done with these people who get everything and are grateful like me, at times, but continue to get stuff when I'm not getting anything.

I feel like I should be the one who should be dead.

**** me!

In a small way, I think, I am in your boat--with some uncurable physical health problems along with mental issues/deficiency. I can understand your being pissed and depressed. I am on disability.

What can we do to help, Yismymindblank12?

Hi Yismymindblank - Just want you to know I read your post word for word... I felt you pull me into your world of pain ... I wish I could heal your pain for you and even though I don't have the words to take the pain away... I HEAR YOU.. stay strong and forever work towards a positive purpose in your life...

((((Yismymindblank12))))

i feel for you, i wish i was dead sometimes rather than dealing with all the medical issues, i am on disability too, which makes it worse to know i can not support myself alone.

I mean I am already suffering from psychosis, and I spend most of my time, reading or learning something when I have too much time on my hands. Most what bothers me, it's annoying when you know people aren't doing that intentionally it's just how it is, but you can't help, but get angry about it because of that.

It feels like you are trapped and you have to stick talking to yourself for awhile. I am more than familiar with it. I was a popular kid in school, at some schools, but most of the time. I was popular, because I was viewed as the rebel or bad a.. when I really didn't want to fit in. I just wanted to be myself growing up. I intentionally made myself an outcast to avoid ignorance, but at the same time. Those people's support or knowledge I'm in pain, even if they were actual close friends at a time or not. It would be nice if people tried to help me with this, but I'm glad at work they do help me with my stiff person kills my mobility. I still work, I am trying to move, because I know I'll be put in a wheel chair if I don't according to the neurologist who diagnosed me with this. I haven't had physical therapy, I'm freaking 20. I am active with my health, but emotionally the support for me when it came to this and my psychosis is not their, because it's exhausting explaining it and them completely lost interest like I'm supposed to be a fad or telling me I should live like this or do that on useless advice that applies to people that are not in my situation after they ask you what's wrong in the first place.

I want to tell a girl I like her, but it's like so awkward when she is not on my mental level or has a short attention span. I do like to talk a lot when they want to know, but I don't give people the courtesy of what's on my mind and spare 99% of the details that matter and go in a BS pattern of making up things that aren't really bothering me and say they are so they can just get off my case.

I had this in my friendships before and it doesn't do anyone good. So I don't talk about my problems period anymore. Also when I date someone, I hate having to be so superficial, it's like artificial and when I want to have something fulfilling and actually want to know the person. The other person is very ignorant and condescending. It's like I have to shut out everyone no matter how close they are to me, because they choose not to understand even if they support. I appreciate it, but it's like I have to be shot in the head 4 times and live somehow on life support and make a full recovery to get support or something.

****. like I don't want people holding my hand, but at least. I wanted a fundraiser so I can take care of my health through physical therapy and mental health. I haven't had either, well mental health I hadn't had since one out patient appointment once in early june and before that in march. Also I never had physical therapy once. I am in need of it for this. I used to go from physically active all the time who likes working out to lying around, because my body doesn't want to move. It's like a statue. I work on music hoping to get big, which surprisingly it's actually might be a reality with the label I'm working with, but I wanted the fame because of my story to be heard nothing else.

So I focused on making my story on triumph even if I'm still struggling, but I've wanted this since after I was 4 when I was tortured and raped by my neighbor and being treated less than dirt in my lonely town of heroine/meth addicted urban redneck folk in ohio. I never had the chance, even west boro people were talking crap accusing me as evil from what happened. I can't even make this crap up, it's messed up. I wanted the attention growing up in school, but I had to learn not to get mad and have outbursts in class, but a few I should of gotten mad. I mean one teacher said a comment about my grandma who just passed away when I was in sixth grade and I lost my cool on her. Yeah I got suspended, but I loved her so much she went through hell like I did, she's an incredible woman and mom/grandma figure. Like my parents say, she had alzheimer's and she got abused by people in the nursing home when I was getting abused not mere bullying at school. I didn't get bullied like popular belief, by my parents, people who were from there and know that area know it's bad news. I felt safer in an inner city hood where people get shot and robbed than that town in the country suburban area.

I mean I had people support me, and I had to learn to move on, but sometimes. I don't understand people, because after all that inhumane treatment I just had to force myself to nonchalantly pretend it didn't affect me. It got every one of my nerves when a girl or a guy who had not even near as a struggle I had, maybe he or she was a brat in general, but when something like for instance someone they love got sick with something or a loved one died. I understand people lending support and I did myself, but when I mentioned my story. No one says anything except, saying I don't know I can't help you, but people want to help someone who even though is far off more fortunate than I was or more privileged than I was, which material things and things people worry about at my age doesn't really bother me.
Get all the attention and love in the world for whatever reason and make this notion on how strong, powerful and awesome they are. Then people who are truly truly struggling, they get kicked around even more and told to suck it up. It's such a hypocrisy, I seriously hate a lot of people who do this. I mean I don't care who you are, I'll support you even if your pet snail died, but it's so insensitive people get. It's like people in this country and maybe all developed countries are like this. When they see something that's beyond inhumane if it's not on the news or something blown up on social media they tell you it's your problem in a condescending manner and to suck it up. Life sucks, I go through this, blah blah blah and they complain more than you ever did in one minute.

You have to say being alive really has tested my patience and I'm far than exhausted. I can only be honest, since I have nothing else to give. I just rather been wise and not want the attention and just focus on me and ignoring everyone. It's so much harder than it seems, because when I go on a date with someone it's so awkward when that stuff comes up. I know I'm going in circles, but you get the point.

You have been through a lot and certainly have a testimony. I understand why you don't want to continue living. The pain you're in is unimaginable. When you're down in that valley it's hard to believe there will be an end to it. For me it was like treading water in the middle of the night in the middle of the ocean. The water covering my mouth and just below my nose. Part of me so tired I wanted to let go and give in. But I couldn't. There was still a part of me that had hope. I imagine through everything there is a part of you that has hope things can be better and you can have the life you want.

I don't know anything about Ohio but do you have a social worker? Raising your own funds for healthcare is noble but I would think applying for social services may be a better route. What is the most important thing you need to accomplish right now? This community seems both helpful and knowledgeable and a good resource. Maybe by pulling together we could help you find your way.

Yeah a lot of people think I'm making this stuff up, but it's hard to explain it's just how it is. I used to have a social worker, I do not anymore. I'm trying to get my previous balance in check with insurance so I can have my future copays being paid through a disability place so I can just go to appointments regularly.

My parents lost financially stability from the economic collapse our home was robbed by the banks with illegal mortgage rate increases. I've been working hard at my job at mcdonalds just to pay to get my music equipment to get my passion going. It's hard when now, I have sps to do basic things sometimes. I get scared a lot that it will all end in my mobility and that I have no chance in doing what I want.

I had hope, for having a close female friend who be with me who knows me more than me, a long term friendship, not a girlfriend, or a significant other, but someone who takes their time to see me and likes how I am different like most of my close friends do, but embrace what I don't see in myself let me have a better self confidence.

I dream about memories, and experiences, to escape this pain. I'm like in a jekkel and hyde reality. It's extremely euphoric, but the other face when I look the other way the same room or area I am at will look much more terrifying. My hallucinations adapt to this, but it's like a story or I feel like I'm an important character in a novel, movie, idea, or someone who is destined to do great things, but has to conquer there own fears and issues. I dream and idolize this stuff at times to escape my reality. Sometimes, I feel like I'm constantly in a fairy tale or dream, when I talk to people, they get confused of course think I'm high or something, but I'm not here at the moment.

My imagination is extremely powerful it's the only thing that's kept me alive. It's like I can make any situation comfortable. I was left outside crying in the rain after making plans and they fell apart. I was left to be semi homeless in the hood of my city. It was raining, but I huddled under cover and just looked out at the reflections of the water and imagining what it is like to be water or I focus on being in a movie watching sequence of things in front of me when I watch people interact at times.

It's very intense and confusing when I go through it 24/7 and it's what separates me from other people with psychosis/ schizophrenia/ and any other mind altering experiences. Like I can feel like I am falling in a black hole and visually see it the depth the towering presence of warped reality from above and below and then flashes back into the room I was just experiencing it.

I do work with social services btw, that's who are going to pay my future copays, but I need to get the previous balance from 187 in check. My current therapist worked with me when I was 14. She has been my favorite, because she has many qualities people overlook when they look for a therapist. She is none the less good at what she does, but even though she is younger, many people advise she may lack the years of insight of working with people in her case proved to be not true.
I found that older people I work with are so close headed and stubborn they lose patience with you very fast with anything. Mostly unexciting to talk to and prefer to make you into something you're not.

She made me feel safe, but yes she may be physically attractive to people in general. I am not into her that's not the issue, she is a perfect candidate for me to do mental experimentation with my phobias. She knows it, I know mental health on a scale of people with schooling spent years to know. I had to know it since I was a very young boy. It's not that I know, I can feel the perceptions and understand what it's like, even when I don't have it. Sadly it's hard to explain, but when I tell that person what I'm feeling they relate to me immediately, but I had not trauma or anything they've experienced and I know it and feel it and lived it in my heart.

See I like to be with females, but I fear them as well. I feel that I am more naive in emotions and trying to have relationships with people is so difficult. I am shy under my skin of confidence of being just friendly not flirtatious. I wanted to show that I can here her thoughts on how I need to find what I want, because my friendships are nice, but what I want is not in reality. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind when I want to feel safe and happy and not knowing if I am ever going to understand feel what most people I grew up with in school understood.

My sister has an understanding of both pain hardship, but her happiness radiates and people flocked to her, because of her looks and coolness persona. When it comes to me, I get an melancholic answers and people lack emotion around me.
What I wanted all my life is the popularity that validation that my sister has from all the people who support her.
Sometimes when I'm sad I pretend I'm invisible a ghost among the crowd of pedestrians and the world and using anonymity to my advantage feeling like I'm in a forest or in an adventure as an assassin or something cool like a ninja.

See deep down my inner child is more open and people don't understand because they got old and boring. I'm still a child at heart at 20. Many days, I wish I could never age, because I could just play every day live life without the fear and having confidence of wanting to see people like I used to. I embrace that side of me, because that's who I want to be, but deep down I'm more than alone. I feel like a face in many faces, I don't want to be the best in the world, I want to be the best me and hope it means something to people.

I'd like imagine what kind of woman I'd like to be, because I'd be happy trying on makeup and being myself as a woman. I show dominance all the time, but it's just me angry and all I want people is to get away after they show me how they like to push themselves on people and make their home in mind my trying to push me into what they see in everyone else, but what puts every person off about me. I like the flaws in everyone, I like the beauty, I like the things that are quirky and peculiar. I like the whole picture, but when I try to tell this to someone I like. They run away, because they always say you're a really awesome guy, but you're not my type.
So to avoid being hurt or people saying mean things, I just talk to people and try to avoid people in a sense that I want to not be in the here and now in the real world. I want to be in the here and now in my world.

I almost died at worked today. I felt like my body was crashing down from this. I'm telling you, if I get let go, because of this. I midas well stop trying, because I'm not going on social security and I accept dying young. It's such bs I spend most of my life suffering and get nothing but this crap even more. I put all my effort to living a normal life and it's like dying or being immobilized and not able to take care of myself is like my only option when I don't want either.

I'm not suicidal I'm desperate and in a panic, because I don't have control of my life anymore. This is the hardest thing to live with when your body is shutting down much faster and all you want o be is happy and have a normal life like everyone else. I'm not ready to die, I just want to be a boy again, with my mom my grandma ok and my child and my life to be happy.

I can't stand it I can't stop crying because I want to know I'll be safe. No matter what's going on, but I make things up in my head on what people would do or say to comfort me, but it's my imagination and hopes that most of the time don't happen. People are more concerned about their own lives that they turn away for anyone in my circumstance and hexed to die.

I can't even explain how ****ed up this is, it's like I want the funds to live. Is it too expensive to even breathe have an existence. Am I not worthy enough to live because I don't have the wealth or fortunate enough to have the luxuries of what everyone around me takes advantage of because they are just lucky.

Seriously, I don't know how to feel. Like I am expecting someone in my head or in person anywhere telling me, well some kids born in africa will die this way too. They don't complain, I call BS because they are missing the point. They choose to lack compassion to others in need, because they are more concerned about the little things, the big picture is ignored all together and they lose their humanity for selfishness. So if a friend is dying, usually I see friends being there for them, for me it's I have to be credible enough to get attention. It's so exhausting when you want to do basic things and realize when this stuff is going on that you can't and other people won't know or understand unless they have it.
I pray if I did, that I'd die and wake up in my bedroom and this be a bad dream. I be back where I was not remembering this hell I'm in now. Just enjoy what I loved to do as a 4 year old. That's all I want now. I don't want money fame love or anything, I don't want to go to heaven or hell, exist, not exist, I don't want to be the number of a cynical society measuring life down to the molecule where it's too depressing to live.
I only want to have my imaginary friends, go on adventures like I used to and be a boy forever. I am too young to die if it does happen. I wanted this girl who I like a lot to see me, I don't care what's going on. I just wanted to be honest with my feelings. I wanted her to be with me to help me feel safe, she's been my friend for a year. I sometimes believe I'm insane, but not coping how my body and mind is falling apart. Do I deserve the dying man's wish or not? I feel anything I would want in life, won't happen, because people are always making excuses and when I die there is obviously going to be an excuse not to have her see me.

I don't know what to feel. That's it.

((((Yismymindblank12)))) I'll pray for you. You have real friends (us)

Hello dear Yismymindblank12. Wow, that's some kinda name you have! I don't know how you say it but I'd probably sound kinda weird as I have an English accent, and a badly spoken one at that!! First can I offer you a big warm to Psych Central, a place we can be ourselves without ''pretending'' to be ''normal''. You will find a lot of kindness here, because even though you feel like the only one in the world who feel's so bad ~ ~ you really are NOT hunny. Stay with us in here for a while, read whatever catches your eye, join in on a thread etc. I know you don't feel like doing any of that, but anything's worth a go. I too have been in that black please, though my serious issues are not as physical as your's, my condition renders me useless for months at a time. I've been 'in~patient' many times over the years. You know, I think you are GOOD with words, you write as you feel and it really hits the reader right in the ''spot'' your feelings and frustrations are our feelings and frustrations. OK I admit we are all different, but what you will find by reaching out, is that folk here DO feel some (or all) of the things you do. I hope we see you around and exploring PC!

it's pronounced "Why is my mind blank"... It's an inside joke with an ex girlfriend, I somehow made my gamer tag a really really long time ago when I was like 14, but I appreciate that.

I also feel happy being different at times, because I don't identify myself as american at all. I am a pure scot at heart, like my grandma and my mom. I don't like living in america, I don't think it be better in the UK. I have been achieving an accent overtaking my american local city accent in cincinnati.
I tell my feelings, because I don't have that at all here. I'm hoping to see my therapist shortly this week or next week. I am now, I've been in a mood of no longer isolating myself for long periods of time. I was struggling with another stressful friendship and relationship I have with this girl recently and generally my friends too. I've been fixing loose ends on my sorta burned bridges which is good, and my life looks like it would be much brighter than I may actually conceptualize, but I don't know to be honest.
I think the only way to help myself is be involved with people again. Whether it's venting on here or making friendships in my area.
I hope one day I can visit my family in the UK. I have more family there than anywhere else in the world. I mean america is awesome, but I don't feel free now matter where.

So going to a place where I have some identity makes me feel good about myself to feel belong to something even if you weren't born there.

I thought I should say that, because I get excited with people who are from there and have accents.

My grandmother and mom and my aunt were all born in edinburgh, in her old neighbor hood of fernieside Ln, but no one we know lives there anymore. This was many many years ago.

I'm happy that you'll see your therapist. Hope that he'll help you

My therapist is a she, mainly. I did this intentionally for my specific triggers and working with a new level of being comfortable with myself. I'm working on it, with a younger more attractive physically therapist. Because, to help me let me and cope better in my everyday life socially with very attractive females and so when I get the triggers on when I like a girl for whatever reason. I make it clear to my therapist what is going on and that I really don't know why this happens physically too frequently and that I want it to stop so I came to see you specifically to stop it on my own. It has helped a lot, but
I am more afraid of dating all together or going near people who may like me, because I know rejection and all that stuff is a part of it whether day one or 2 years down the road dating. I find it all too much for me and she told me to just keep a steady firm break on it and chill out on it. Which I'm doing, I am single for a over a year and next may it be 2 years. I'm hoping to make it to five as my deadline to see how I am feeling.

So to make it more clear. I had her help me with my relationships with females internally. It wasn't the relationships were terrible all of them had their good and bad, but I do show some things similar to Borderline personality disorder except it's not like it, I only show it to them and close friends, not to strangers or too often to be considered that. When I do it's psychosis, because it's with conversations with people who aren't there. I feel like I'm being abused in whatever way by things that aren't there. I don't know that, I can only say they're not there to keep my head grounded. I had to learn that as a child in early therapy when I was very very young. I still have a wild imagination it's beautiful I love it I won't part with it. I am a child in my imagination and have it at heart hasn't left me once.
I'm not immature nor like a peter pan kinda persona. I act very mature for my age more than mostly everyone I know. Just deep inside, I am always locked away dissociated with the hear and now and my hear and now is in my imagination. I could be staring at something, and I am in a completely different world literally in my eyes seeing it as it is. Not seeing the room or house I'm in, I would feel like I am in a big field or forest fighting monsters or being an assassin or what not. It's like my child like imagination world and life hasn't left me even as an adult. I don't care if it's not normal when people do notice it which it's rare if they do I always have to tell them to let them know why I spaced out or talking to myself sometimes with actual people who aren't there.
I don't care what people think, I would rather die like this than be old and boring and angry all the time.

You are right not to care about what people say about you. I wish I was more good in doing this.
Hope that your therapist can help you with relationships