[H3rmit]

Today I reread my journal for the past 5 years, and I see the same patterns and feelings going round and round and never progressing. Really, I just feel my life is over. I have a few duties remaining, but nothing in particular to live for, no hope or purpose. Sure, I'll finish my class and probably my degree, just a couple more credits. I committed to it, so I'll do it. I'm reliable that way almost all the time. But I can't seem to get what I need in life, find a place where I can be part of something that matters, somewhere I belong. I feel so dark and hopeless. Sure, I always keep on trucking, but when I get down to how I feel in a deeper sense, it's pretty dark. Nothing I do goes anywhere that matters. Really, I should just do less. Do nothing. Just sit. Avoid commenting, criticizing, trying to make anything happen. What's been happening hasn't been working.

I am not sure how much sense this makes to anyone. Last month was very stressful, and the fallout is still around. Little things upset me easily. My feeling right now is I surrender.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Sometime you do have to keep persevering despite it all. Something generally turns up.

[Frankbtl]

H3rmit, from reading your thread you are seriously way more AMAZING than you know!!!
I completely get/feel how dark, empty, meaningless, pointless, never ending, overwhelming......... (?) things must really feel for you
And you're coming out with "Sure, I'll finish my class and probably my degree, just a couple more credits. I committed to it, so I'll do it"!!!!
And I know it's not a matter of "enjoyment"/real purpose for you but...........!!!
So behind there H3rmit, I know it might not feel like it but, you've got some serious strength/resolve/determination. And that is awesome!!!
OK there's the depression holding you well back/down, there's a channel (significant to you) for all of that to find, but help/support with the depression, finding a way ahead you want to go down IS possible!!!
And I'm not going to tell you just focus on working towards (or wait for!!) a "nice" house, a "nice" job, a "nice" family...........you go for whatever is going to do it for you, you have so much about you, and there are so many options out there when you "think outside the box", when you think outside of where you are now/all you can see now.
But first, before anything/else, some help with the depression, hey?
The most important thing!! You've obviously really tried, maybe got "help" before now, but you need more, right? So doctors? A therapist? Talking about things? A support group- even if that's on-line (even if that's us, we're quite good, you know!! )?
Just something more.
And perhaps use them/that to best suit you e.g. write down/use bits from here........from there..........anything that might make even a little difference.
I know there are no quick, easy answers, and it can be a real hard journey to something better.............but you H3rmit.............well I'd say you've definitely got it in you!!!

Alison

[H3rmit]

Not a midlife crisis, but and end of life crisis. My life has been pointless, and I don't see any way of improving it. I've soldiered on this far, and I am ready to stop marching. Nothing comes of it. Not a suicide reference, by the way, just no reason to carry on.

[Frankbtl]

Hi H3rmit, don't much like the term "midlife crisis" anyway, to me it kind of "trivializes" very real feelings and back to..............
Sometimes depression can numb you to things that matter/have mattered in your life, although that doesn't need to mean that they aren't there. It may be real hard to see anything right now, but.............
And it does kind of depend on how you interpret "pointless" as well, doesn't it?? I mean for a start I've seen you supporting people on here, and that is pretty good, right?? And wth your insight then I'm sure you've probably made a much bigger difference than you think. And that's just for a start!!!
But if you're looking for "something else" from where you are, then you know there have to be more opportunities after you get some help with the depression. Opportunities the depression has been/is blinding you to. It's never too late to make some changes, things can get better. But first some real (professional) help with the depression, hey?? Because I'm thinking that's the main thing standing in your way, right now??
Alison

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

But if you're looking for "something else" from where you are, then you know there have to be more opportunities after you get some help with the depression. Opportunities the depression has been/is blinding you to. It's never too late to make some changes, things can get better. But first some real (professional) help with the depression, hey?? Because I'm thinking that's the main thing standing in your way, right now??

No, I do not have a diagnosis of depression. That is not the issue.

No counseling etc has ever helped. Apparently I cannot relate to other people, nor they to me.

[Frankbtl]

Hi H3rmit, do you think maybe it's more the type of people you're struggling to relate to?? Afterall you are relating to some people on here aren't you, and them to you??
And there are always going to be people we relate to much better than others.
Now if your quieter, don't have that connection with some people (maybe you don't even want that connection with some people), can't take things anywhere with some people...........it may hold you back a bit but it really doesn't have to hold you completely back.
Maybe sometimes you'll have to "go through the motions", kind of pick up what you're "expected" to be saying and go with it, but you can still "go places" without that bond with a lot (?) of people. There's still scope for you to do things your own way/to find your own path.
And relating a bit better to people............maybe with some practice, asking them questions, trying to put yourself more "in their shoes".........maybe.
And it's perhapsin finding people who are going to value you...........OK if you've problems relating to people there will be people who don't mind if you misinterpret some things/don't communicate as much..........and they'll stick with you and help with that because they'll know you're worth it, and there will be people who will relate to you out there too, who do "get you".
Like maybe some of us on here have???

Alison

[H3rmit]

Frankbtl -

I'm over 50. I've struggled all my life, overcoming fear of people, to be able to function with them. No one wants to be my friend. No one can connect with me. I have one friend, my husband, who is even more defective with people than I am. Yes, I can talk relatively superficially with people on here or elsewhere, but my point was that counselling is useless to me because connecting with a counsellor is impossible for the same reason connecting with anyone else is impossible. All this people struggle has been necessary, but ultimately not anything I am excited about in life.

There is no path ahead for me. That's all I'm saying. The things I cared about are crushed in the name of global progress/development. I went back to school to study science in hope of greater understanding of how to make change. I have learned only that it is not possible for me to make a difference, degree or no degree. So be it. I just wanted to say where I am at, given my pain and sadness around it. Sorry to trouble anyone.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Sometime you do have to keep persevering despite it all. Something generally turns up.

Thats what the guy in david copperfield with all the kids said. The one who got cheated by uriah heep? And was sent to australia. Something will turn up. My prev t's favorite quote is, luck rewards the prepared mind. There is SOMEONE you can help, in whatever small way. That counts. eta - you help me, just being here. Being someone i have something in common with. Idk if that counts for you, but i am grateful for your attendance here.

[JadeAmethyst]

Dear H3mit.
I hear you. I can relate.
Take care,

Jade

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

That's the one, Mr Macawber: Wilkins Micawber - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I'm over 50. I've struggled all my life, overcoming fear of people, to be able to function with them. No one wants to be my friend. No one can connect with me.

You connected with me. I liked you and still do.

[H3rmit]

So, didgee, why don't we still talk? Because of a misunderstanding, and you dropped communication. I think you didn't mean to, but ball was in your court, which I reminded of you, and got no reply. I just accepted what you did. I have to accept what other people do. I can't be in charge of controlling everyone/anyone but myself. In the end, there is truncation. As always. But here you are again. I didn't want to take this to private mail, but maybe I should have. If you want this reply deleted, I'm okay with that. I don't mean to air private linen in public, but nor do I feel any secrecy.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

So, didgee, why don't we still talk? Because of a misunderstanding, and you dropped communication. I think you didn't mean to, but ball was in your court, which I reminded of you, and got no reply. I just accepted what you did. I have to accept what other people do. I can't be in charge of controlling everyone/anyone but myself. In the end, there is truncation. As always. But here you are again. I didn't want to take this to private mail, but maybe I should have. If you want this reply deleted, I'm okay with that. I don't mean to air private linen in public, but nor do I feel any secrecy.

At the time I was ill and I admit I wasn't very easy to talk to. It wasn't you. Everyone had trouble communicating with me. My thinking was all distorted and I was ultra sensitive. I'm sorry.

Yes, I was hurt by what happened but I never ever hated you or whatever. I even cried. It took awhile to get used to not receiving your messages.

I gave you some additional contact information in my last email. It is possible that I missed an email because I blocked your address for three days. You know how to contact me. Nothing has changed.

Andrea

[Lemon Curd]

You're not alone.
I too struggle with everything you've shared.
Don't change who you are to suit others.
Oh, I admit I wear many masks to live & survive in this world.
I think most do.
Unfortunately, we all have to live life the best we can.
We work to eat & buy stuff, we pay bills, we pay taxes.
I started walking 30 minutes a day.
I find it helps to right my brain.
I think most of us have learned to settle in our jobs & realize there's only so much we can do to change things.
The "higher" up you go, it seems to be the same bullsh*t up there too. Just people with better wardrobe, expensive cars & bigger homes.
As I go, I've learned to play the "game of life."
Some days suck, but there are days that don't.
Those are worth everything to experience.
That's just me.
*big warm friendship hug* 💜

[Fuzzybear]

[Thunder Bow]

Not all complete their degree requirements. Give yourself credit for that, and honor yourself for that. You are doing much for yourself in reality. To me, you are a long way from being the dead beat, that you describe yourself as.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

Sometime you do have to keep persevering despite it all. Something generally turns up.

I've always had to do that, soldier on through life. It hasn't been worth it, though. Delights have been few and far between.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Not all complete their degree requirements. Give yourself credit for that, and honor yourself for that. You are doing much for yourself in reality. To me, you are a long way from being the dead beat, that you describe yourself as.

Gosh, I don't think I described myself as a deadbeat. Where do you get that? I have always worked to support myself, bought homes, and having formerly been in a well-paid profession that didn't suit me, based on my arts degree, now have only a couple of elective credits left on my science degree. By the world's standards I've done fine. By my own standards, though, nada.

BY THE WAY -- Thanks to everyone for their replies.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I've always had to do that, soldier on through life. It hasn't been worth it, though. Delights have been few and far between.

Sorry to hear you feel that way. This outside observer would call it an accomplishment to have soldiered on through adversity. But surely there is more than just this: you say you have done OK by the standards of others but not by your own standards. I just wonder if your standards are laudable but so high that no one could meet them? Of course I know nothing about you so I might be very wrong, but there could be case for some satisfaction here. However who am I to talk when my unrealistic standards just lead to world class anxiety, procrastination and self-esteem issues!

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

I just wonder if your standards are laudable but so high that no one could meet them? Of course I know nothing about you so I might be very wrong, but there could be case for some satisfaction here. However who am I to talk when my unrealistic standards just lead to world class anxiety, procrastination and self-esteem issues!

My standards don't cripple me and I am not a perfectionist, but I think I know what you are refering to, generally, in that sense.

Some people have had wonderful lives and done things i find worthy, but they were luckier than me, too, and didn't have the crippling background of abuse and neglect that I have had to crawl out from. (NOT that I am generalizing that anyone abused would feel as I do.) For me, it would have been better not to be born. Sometimes I think the best thing I could do would be to write a satire, not that I am a creative writer, per se. In other words, laugh or I'll cry.

[unaluna]

I think we're still younger than grandma moses before she started her art, arent we? So we still have time - fingers crossed! ie for hope.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think we're still younger than grandma moses before she started her art, arent we? So we still have time - fingers crossed! ie for hope.

Yes, we have time, if only there were some good use for that time.

I feel strangely good, having exercised quite a bit the last few days and gotten a lot of work done, but all seems hopeless for me, and feeling "good" does not feel right.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

"feeling "good" does not feel right" - in what way not right - guilty, undeserved, worrying?

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by ManOfConstantSorrow

"feeling "good" does not feel right" - in what way not right - guilty, undeserved, worrying?

Just a sense of dissonance, that on the surface I am bouncy and literally physically feeling relatively good, but don't feel good ABOUT anything. If I think about anything, I feel more serious than bouncy, but also feel little motivation. Strange. Maybe it's just age and changes in my life that I know are coming in the next year. Things ending, not knowing what will begin. Maybe I just need to stop and pay attention. Certainly I have no urge to do anything and have more difficulty than usual getting things done. I see the futility, ultimately, of existence. Not a new idea, but a stronger and more evident one of late. I haven't even been crying as easily as I usually do.

Maybe this is what it is like to get old. I don't know. No friends, no one has told me of their ageing experiences, and my husband is much younger than me so I am on the leading edge by myself.

Thanks for asking, MOCS.

I have always searched for something meaningful in life, and thought I would have found something satisfying by now. I have failed in that.