[connect.the.stars]

It's really kind of silly. I am lonely. But I want to be left alone.

I don't like coming into the office. I don't like making small talk. I don't like lying that my holidays were great. I don't like making a complete fool out of myself in front of my co-workers. I want to be away from the eyes of judgmental folk. Judge me for my product, not for the state in which my brain is in!

I want to be left alone. But I know I am never going to get far in a business industry without properly networking with people. I don't like making eye contact. I wish I could do my work without meeting people face to face. Work behind a computer screen. Because that's where I can lie about my happiness and normalness the best.

I don't like being at home. I don't like hearing my parents argue about stupid crap for the umpteenth time. I don't like it when I say A, and my parents keep telling me B, B, B, B, B, until I oblige and say B. I don't like avoiding them. I wish they would leave me alone.

But then when I am left alone, I am reminded I really will have nobody.

I want to be left alone. I say this to my sister who has been trying for the past two months to involve me in things that will make me happier. Offering to be my replacement counselor. Emailing me encouragement. Texting me useful tips she heard on the news. We almost never fight. But we somehow did this time. She's been trying so hard. And all I give her is no response.

She understood my stone-walledness as "So you don't care about your family anymore?"

What?

I want to be left alone. I want nobody to care about me because it only adds to the amount of things that I need to be grateful for. And it reminds me of all the things I haven't been grateful for. Maybe I really don't love anyone anymore. I don't feel anything.

I want to be left alone.

I don't like lying on my bed all day. But yet that's all I feel like doing. I don't even know where to go if I did leave the house. Drive to no destination?

What if my parents do end up dying? ****. I think I would cry. I would not have thanked them properly for everything they've done for me. What is so hard about telling the people I think I love that I love them? What if I don't love them? What if I only need them? Does that make me selfish?

Yea, I'm selfish.

I want to be left alone. Isn't that a selfish thing to want?

Yes, because it shirks all of my responsibilities in life. There is nowhere I want to go. Not work. Not home. Not death. Not life. What do you call this? Is there an emotion for this? Non-emotion?

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Not silly at all, you are far from being alone in these feelings. You are supporting a huge burden and it is very creditable that you can keep going and remain so lucid under such difficult circumstances.

However it seems to me that this is a case where you would potentially find professional support a considerable relief to painful and probably harmful feelings.

[Thunder Bow]

Professional help will help you deal with your guilt and depression. There is no need to guilty about what you want or not want to do. Moving out may be a option you may want to consider. Forget the guilt.

[JJBX]

I can sympathize with a lot of that. Living with family is hard because it's not easy to maintain boundaries with them. Family often feels very comfortable about stepping right over that line. I don't think it's odd or selfish to want some alone time. You need to recharge.

For work, my main defense was basically going through the motion of putting on a pretend mask and smiling. Smiling will make you feel a little more stable in your mood while you're doing it. It can be tiring to keep it up, but it can be worth it.

Hang in there. When you move out, it will be so crazily amazing that you won't even believe it. My first apartment was a teeny hole in the wall and I LOVED it because it was MINE and I could do what I wanted. I also started getting along with my family better because they started to see me as more of an adult.

It's hard to stay motivated when you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but this is temporary. It will get better for you.

[amandaag010]

I kinda feel a similar way. Feel lonely but don't really have the energy nor willpower to even meet people and make friends. Sometimes I want to be left alone or sleep for hours just to not be bothered by reality. Want to escape it

[lkbun14]

I have many days like this. I want to be left alone, but then I feel disconnected. There are days I go to work and my smile is genuine because I want to be there, but then there are more days when I just want to hide away. I don't want others to see the pain I feel on the inside. It's easier when they just see me as "normal". I also hate when people tell me to look at all the things I have to be grateful for- I KNOW there are good things in my life but telling me that's the answer to feeling better just actually makes me feel worse. I feel tired a lot and, at first, I felt bad for wanting to sleep/rest when I knew there were things to do, but then I started to tell myself it's okay. I try to be nicer to myself and it makes me feel less guilty. This "non-living" is a hard place to be! You're not alone.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds to me as though you just want others to stop telling you how to think and feel.
It sounds like your parents don't know "how" to listen to you and validate you, but consistently need to tell you how to feel and think.

One very unfortunate thing about many people is their lack of ability to know how to "listen". Often people seem to just need to "instruct" and insist on talking over others and telling them how to think and feel or not to feel.

I touched on that with my therapist who agreed about how so many simply do not know how to actually "listen". Your sister means well, unfortunately her effort is to get you to "do" instead of you making that choice yourself.

That is why you like to write poems, because that allows you to express yourself, that is why there are so many poems and songs and is really the driving force behind the arts.

Unfortunately, one thing so many parents think they need to do is "instruct their children" and "get them to follow orders" and "behave". They don't realize that it is their job to "listen" and learn about their child and help that child "self discover and know self discovery is ok and acceptable". Because so many parents seem to think they need to be "in control", what they don't realize is this style of raising a child is a recipe for "depression". Structure is ok, even healthy, but it is also very important to have freedom within that structure too.

That is why you want to be "alone" and yet you are "lonely" too. Well, a lot of people are like that unfortunately, and the bottom line is that what they really want is someone who knows how to "listen to them" and not tell them how to feel and think.

It sounds like you are still young yet too, still living at home and your parents tend to still tell you who to be, how to see things, how to feel and they never really learned the importance of "just listening to you". Well, that "is" wearing and you are not the only one struggling as a result of that challenge. It also sounds like that has expanded into where you work as well, which can happen in a way where a person is not aware they are relating the two together into that "depressed mindset".

Part of slowly addressing that is recognizing what it really is first. Laying on your bed all day, being alone is definitely expressing what I am discribing. That is something that a person does when they are "oppressed", but they don't always realize it. What you need to do is find something where "you" feel in control, that is what opens the door to actually feeling better, "alive". You obviously love to "create", so my suggestion is to find an outlet where you can add to that and learn to help that part of you grow.

[connect.the.stars]

Open Eyes, your analysis of the situation is really spot-on. You are right that my depression stems from feeling I have no control over my life. You are also right that I don’t feel like they listen to me. Thank you so much. And thank you to everyone else who replied as well. I understand my sentiments are normal for that of a depressed person. I know I am not alone (not glad about it because it sucks to be living like you’re not living).

JJBX, I recognize that I need to maintain boundaries and that moving out would be a good step in that direction. I’ve been slowly saving up enough money, so the timeline might be slow, but I can deal with that. What I can’t seem to deal with is the actual actions of moving out. Finding a place. Packing my stuff. Moving everything out. Because if I do decide to do any of these things on my own, my parents will do the following:

1. Ask me if I really don’t love them and just want to abandon them and never contact them again for the rest of my life.
   
   (Why don’t you want our help? You don’t want our opinion? Our experience? You don’t really appreciate us do you? You just think we’re nagging you. You didn’t want to tell us you were moving because you secretly don’t want anything to do with us huh? You don’t love us? After all we did for you?)
   
   
2. Try to completely take over for me…after they have gotten over step 1.
   
   (Where are you moving? No that’s too dangerous, look for a different area. What price are you paying? No that’s too expensive, ask for cheaper. We have experience with this. Why don’t you want to hear our opinion? Oh whatever you don’t want to hear it anyway I get it. Do you want us to move everything over for you? Why not? You can’t move this furniture! *insists to load everything in the van one weekend to drive it over*)

I don’t like feeling guilty for wanting to move out. I get that they’re not doing it on purpose. But it feels like they are guilt tripping me. They think I don’t love them because I got into a fight with them over who my boyfriend should be. It wasn’t even about the guy in the end. It was about my ability to choose my life for myself…… How do I tell them my moving out has nothing to do with my love or lack of love for them?

ManOfConstantSorrow, Thunder Bow, I get that I can get professional help to get rid of my guilt. But when I told my parents I was depressed, they told me that I need to learn to talk to them instead. Not a stranger. If I don’t talk to them, how can they understand me? Touche. Makes sense. But I don’t know why I just get so anxious about talking to them that I avoid it altogether. Maybe because I feel like they won’t listen to me? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Them not listening, or me not speaking?

When I do speak it’s all lies. That I’m happy.

They tell me I can control my life. Which I can. (When have we ever opposed you?) Almost never. But why is it every time I do something they disapprove of (i.e. seeing a professional counselor), I start feeling so guilty that I end up doing what they want anyway (not going to the counselor anymore)? Probably has something to do with the self-esteem. If I can’t maintain the boundary between my needs/wants/feelings from somebody else’s, then I can’t stop the guilt. I can’t stop the people pleasing. Maybe they were right the guy was not for me. Maybe they are right that seeing a therapist isn’t going to get me anywhere. Because I have to do it myself. If I don’t take action, nothing will change.

Why is it so essential that I need to love them? Why can’t I express my love for them?!?! WHY DON'T I FEEL ANYTHING?

I appreciate their guidance. I appreciate their willingness to help. (I really can’t move furniture.) But do I really appreciate?

Whenever I make choices, they treat me as though I don’t have a brain sometimes. I think that is why I have such a hard time telling them I love them. Because if I say I love them and how they treat me like I have no brain, then I won’t ever get my brain…??? Stupid paradox.

I think I have to start with love for myself. I like the creative outlets idea.

Sorry if my thoughts don’t make sense in this order. I sound like a teenager. A rebellious one. It’s dangerous.

[tranchante.baby]

My god, you almost made me feel better in some kind of way with this post because I feel like this all the time but nobody understand. Everyday is a struggle to tell people not to take it personally if I want to be on my own and sleep and lie in my bed and not talk to anyone and turn my mobile off. Everyone is always like 'you don't want me around' and it's so stressful honestly explaining that it's just my disposition, my sadness, my illness. How can you tell someone that you're not in the mood to speak or hang out because there's only suicide on your mind? Sometimes I don't succeed in sounding sincere about not hating whoever is asking me to meet and I'm forced to do things that make me feel uncomfortable to say the least.
So yes, I want to be alone too. I can't tell you this isn't odd in some kind of way because I feel like a human error all the time so everything I do looks strange and awful to me. By the way, I do believe it can't be wrong, since I'm not hurting anyone.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[avlady]

just be careful.its a cruel world out there, but you can get away if you want to. it also does sound like depression, too,i am manic depressive and i know that you need to be alone. I still fight the guilt of needing to be alone and making time for it. You will one day appreciate your familys efforts to change your mind, they just care. I say that because i ended up in the hospital when i first left home because of the depression, not to scare you but to let you know you need to take care of youself pshysically and mentally.

[Open Eyes]

"Sorry if my thoughts don’t make sense in this order. I sound like a teenager. A rebellious one. It’s dangerous." quote connect.the.stars

Actually, everything you have said make sense. You think that love means "obeying" but that is not the truth. You have normal feelings any young adult has that wants to be able to try making their own decisions too. The problem is that your parents have not learned how to "let go" of the parent role they played with you for so many years now. They need to realize they have to step back and allow you to make your own choices now and learn to let go of their habit of trying to think "for" you. What they are doing now is "pushing you away, but also depressing you as well", even your sister is doing that with you "unknowingly".

However, you are new at this yourself, you have not figured out how to best establish new boundaries with your parents where they let go and stop telling you what to think out of habit. I went through this at your age myself and to be honest with you, I ran away. It was not because I did not love my parents, it was because I needed to think for myself and they were intruding on that. I am not suggesting you run away like I did, but that is how bad it got for me and I did not know any other way to break the cycle that was oppressing me at the time.

Oh, I am very familiar with the line of questioning too. And that a parent is asking questions like that "to gain control" but unknowingly "and" its bordering on emotional blackmale too.

The frustration you are feeling is "normal", you want your own space and freedom and that has nothing to do with love or appreciating the help you get from them.

The creative outlets "did" help me a great deal. I took different art classes and voice lessons, I even became a lead singer in a band as when I took voice lessons my teacher told me a band was looking for a lead singer and that I should try out.

Actually you "can" live at home and learn how to be part of things "on your own" outside of your homelife. That is actually a good way to begin "self love" which basically comes from learning how to do for self.

[Open Eyes]

connect.the.stars,

Every year I have barn swallows nest in my barn and I get to watch them be born and grow and finally get big enough to leave the nest. However, they don't leave the nest right away, instead they stand on the edge of the nest and flap their wings for a while, it always makes me nervous as I fear they will fall and get hurt. Then they fly a short distance to a stall door and then try to fly back to the nest again, unfortunately I have learned to cover the water bucket because I found one drowned because it must have accentally fallen in.

Well, then they like to fly up to a ledge with a long window that I have above the big sliding doorway that is the entry to the barn. They tend to get stuck up there, can't figure out the glass and they keep flying into it and the whole time the parents are keeping watch and sometimes they show the young birds how to get back to the nest again until finally they show them how to fly out of the barn to a dogwood tree I have not far from the barn. And then they again fly back into the barn to the nest again and for a while the babies and the parents roost at night on the nest or close by because they are now too big to actually fit "in" the nest. Gradually these babies go past the tree and fly way up high and learn how to hunt for insects. Then, one day, they are just all gone. However, in late spring they come back and have their own families and they just remember "how" to show their own babies to slowly find their way out of the nest too. Oh, I have a lot of them nest in my barn now and they sure do make a lot of noise while they figure out where to build their nests. I admit, they do make a mess, but I so enjoy them every year that I don't mind.

Well, human beings tend to learn that way too, only we are more sophisticated and we certainly take much longer to grow and get to a point where we actually "know" how to leave the nest and thrive on our own. And now we know that the human brain doesn't fully mature until age 25, and the last thing to develop fully is the decision making part of the brain. As that part is maturing, a human being begins to "want" to make more decisions and it is normal to not quite be sure just "how" yet, but to want to try.

Well, often part of the learning about "how to" takes place when we go off to college and get to live away from home. As you know, the decisions made during this time are somewhat "wild and even wrecklace with many" because during this time often "lets party" takes place, however, this is also a time when bad things can happen too. That is when many begin to find out how others can be "not so nice" too. Also, many have to figure out how to practice self dicipline and actually study and hand things in on time too. Also they learn what "stress" is and have to figure out how to manage that too. Keep in mind though that while these young adults are involved in this whole college deal, their brains are still not fully developed "yet". Everything still new, lots of chatter and flapping of wings and even trying to figure out what relationships are in this new environment too.

Well, after finally graduating another new thing needs to happen too, learning how to have a "real job" and what that means too. Well, that is just the beginning too, and that experience typically takes place "again" before the brain is still fully developed. So, that is equivalent to getting to that tree outside my barn. And a lot of young adults live at home when they are experiencing this part as well. And yes, often the parents resume with "instructing and managing".

One big mistake that is often made is when a young female adult gets away from that and gets married. She skips a very important part of learning how to first go from the nest and actually make decisions about more than just a job, which is part of what she needs to do when first actually learning how to make decisions of her own. A first "real" job and home is not enough, she needs to make even more choices, shop for herself, buy her own groceries, budget her money, save some and spend some and slowly learn what that means and how to make good choices. Then, "if" the job is fullfilling to her it may be time to get her own place, not a place with a guy, but her own place. If, the job is not something she really likes, then it is time to think about maybe grad school or adding to what she has learned so she can get a job she likes better.

I don't know what you do for work, but I have noticed you are very creative. If you are creative then you should find ways to learn more about what you love being creative with so you can utilize that talent in what you end up doing for a job somehow. It is normal to have a creative side and not quite know what to do with it as a young adult. Often a person will dabble around something they like without being able to make a decision of direction "yet" and that it typical as that part of their brain is not really "there" yet. A lot of young adults don't realize this and get all frustrated with themselves, even get depressed and some laze around writing poems about their despair because of how they are struggling so much emotionally with no direction, another typical for this age too.

Ok, "creative, sensitive, emotional, and no direction" in spite of being very bright, even gifted. Oh, I have been there myself, and oh how I wish I had someone explain to me what I am telling you now. I told you I was a lead singer in a band, yes, I was good at that but I was too young to know what to do with all the attention that brought to me. I wrote a lot too, and I also was very gifted in painting and drawing too. I walked away from the stage because I did not know how to handle the things people wanted of me, including my manager and the guys in the band too. I got an offer from a big time producer and I walked away because I was so worried about what "he" wanted of me too. Well, even though I did walk away from all of that, I had still learned things from it that helped me later that I did not realize then, but, ofcourse I had not fully developed "yet".

When I ran away and got my own little place, even then I was still not quiet ready. I ended up giving in to a friend that begged me to move in because her parents had kicked her out. I did not realize she just saw me as a way out of her own dilemma with her parents that you are describing. My apartment was only one big room with a fireplace, a good size bathroom and a little side kitchen area. It was not good for two young females to share. This other girl stole my clothes and helped me learn all about why "not" to share my little place. However, while I did experience all that the hard way, I still took that step and "learned" from it so in my mind, I did know I could do that kind of adventure, just not that way. Funny how we actually learn and gain from making choices, even bad ones. I learned how to shop for food on my own, make my own meals and pay my own bills with what I had earned at the time. I even learned how to furnish that small apartment on my own too and my landlord loved what I did so much he wanted me to do his place too.

If you go and learn more about what to do with your talents, even if you don't become a writer you can have skills you can teach. When a person is very creative they can make money with it in a lot of different ways, did you know that? I have a flair for decorating, especially for Christmas, well, people want to have that done but not do it themselves. I earned money that way. I bet you have "vision" where you can picture things, do you know how many people can't do that? Do you know some people actually don't know how to dress in a way they look good? There are people who are good at that and they actually "help" people figure out what looks good on them, my mother was amazing at helping people pick out cloths that show off their good aspects and make up for whatever they lack.

Well, right now, you have a job and live at home, and you are depressed but full of creativity. You need to see what is out there to cultivate that creative part of you and you need to learn how to do that for yourself. You are in the nest and are flapping your wings, but you need to learn to fly "to" something to get you started and then to something else. You have a job, so use some of that money to fly "to" something and set for a bit then try something else. That is the beginning of slowly flying away verses having others tell you what to do or what to think and even decide.

Then, someday your goal should be having your own little place and make sure you do that on your own eventually and not do that in a partnership. You need to know you can do that on your own in case a partnership doesn't work out for you. You are wanting to begin making choices, and at 22 your are not fully developed in that area "yet" but you can take steps that satisfy that growing urge in you. Part of doing that even better is at first learning how to fly to things and "learning" and in your case, I think you should do that by flying to places you can learn to be more creative. At 22 one isn't supposed to already be there, which is a mistake so many make in their thinking when they are that age, it's just that you are ready to begin that process. So no more laying in bed in despair my dear, pick some places to fly to and do it on your own and pay for it on your own too. Actually, the more your parents see you do this, the more they will begin to let go too. That is what the birds did, they finally knew to let go.

OE

[avlady]

nice and true to the core!!!!

[connect.the.stars]

Thank you for that beautiful analogy. I understand that there is much I don’t know in the world because of my age. I haven’t experienced enough of the world to say I know how it all works. I have taken and will continue to take heed of the caution signs people throw to the wind about entering the “real” world. I hope others who have qualms about this can read your story and understand that we must be the ones to build ourselves up, not seek to rely on other people if we want to obtain independence.

I think there are a couple of items that I can clarify about myself that don’t seem to suggest I am not ready for the responsibility of being on my own. While I attended college and I lived on my own for 4 years, not once have I ever gotten in trouble for anything. I was not the type to party, did not drink, did not skip classes, and did not step out of line. I was the person who never had fun. I did everything by the book. I planned out every single semester of classes for my entire four years to make sure I was on track to graduate with every credit I needed. I managed my coursework fairly well, did not fail any courses, and only had a few late assignments if ever. I secured a lease and shared an apartment with a roommate for three years (while learning how to maintain respectful boundaries). I cooked for myself, cleaned the apartment, mailed the rent check every month, bought/sold furniture, and paid all my PG&E bills. I didn’t have a car or bike, I just utilized busses and trains to get to where I needed to go. Since the beginning of freshman year, I worked part-time and accumulated savings. I budgeted all my spending. The only things I could not afford to pay on my own were tuition and rent. Everything else, textbooks, groceries, train fares, I paid for on my own. I don’t splurge. I don’t overspend. My mom still has oversight on my accounts “just in case” but she’s never had to bail me out of trouble for anything. I’m currently repaying my student loans. I work as an accountant.

I can’t think of anything I’ve done wrong that has shown that I am not capable of living on my own.

?

I don’t intend to live with a guy when I move out. I am not dating anyone or looking to date anyone. It would be amazing if I could just have my own place to regenerate myself. But rent in the city is always so expensive. $2,000/month for a tiny one-bedroom apartment is ridiculous!

As for being creative, I am never going to be a writer. Or an artist. It’s just not within the parameters of what my life is destined to be. I can be creative on occasion, but I certainly don’t have what it takes to step into that industry and make money off of it. It’s more of a hobby. Not my means to an end.

I liked how you mentioned I need to show that I can survive on my own. I agree I need to look for places to fly to. My fear is that I will only choose to do activities that my parents approve of. Such as going to a café to study. I really need to be studying. It sounds just as ominous as lying on my bed. But I need to DO things. I will figure out an activity to do. I guess I should start with cleaning my room. At least then my parents can visually see the progress.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, ok, you have done quite a bit so far, good for you. I can see how living at home after all of that would be such a downer for you. I am wondering if you spend a lot of time sitting at the computer with your work everyday and no real moving around and exercising. If that is the case then perhaps look for a gym to join where you can get your body in motion, surprisingly that really helps. Also, what different people I have talked to have told me that helps is they joined a "Meet up Group" where they get together with others and socialize. Something like that can lead to finding a place where others are renting together and have a room available.

I understand how depressing it can be to want to be on one's own and even though you did go to college and have a job it's not enough to do that.

As far as flying to different things, these things don't have to be about another career choice. Although, sometimes a hobby and a career can come together in a way one would never imagine too.

[connect.the.stars]

Originally Posted by tranchante.baby

My god, you almost made me feel better in some kind of way with this post because I feel like this all the time but nobody understand. Everyday is a struggle to tell people not to take it personally if I want to be on my own and sleep and lie in my bed and not talk to anyone and turn my mobile off. Everyone is always like 'you don't want me around' and it's so stressful honestly explaining that it's just my disposition, my sadness, my illness. How can you tell someone that you're not in the mood to speak or hang out because there's only suicide on your mind? Sometimes I don't succeed in sounding sincere about not hating whoever is asking me to meet and I'm forced to do things that make me feel uncomfortable to say the least.
So yes, I want to be alone too. I can't tell you this isn't odd in some kind of way because I feel like a human error all the time so everything I do looks strange and awful to me. By the way, I do believe it can't be wrong, since I'm not hurting anyone.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I try to remind myself that the ones who do take offense to my wanting to be left alone just don’t understand the stress that comes along with refusing their constant invitations. It isn’t pushing them away. They are simply being pressing and then taking the rejection personally. It is honestly very hard for someone who has not experienced this feeling to know how to approach someone who wants to be left alone. So I choose to forgive them, accept it has nothing to do with me, and move along.

If they keep pressing and telling you that you aren’t making enough of an effort, don’t react or be tempted to get on the defensive. Anyone looking at it objectively would observe and say that we really aren’t making an effort. But it’s because we have absolutely NO ENERGY to make that effort due to our disposition. So if others cannot understand the disposition, or if they tell you that they understand but still want you to snap out of it or suggest it is your fault for not putting in effort...well guess what? It actually isn’t your fault.

What is tricky is trying to ask the other person to change their behavior/approach towards you. Because in their minds, they have done nothing wrong besides try to reach out to you. And really, they haven’t done anything wrong besides…not learn how to interact with you the way you wished they would or could.

I wish the solution was simple. But in all honesty, the best way to get someone to understand the stress you associate with their constant attempts is to communicate with them. If that effort to communicate your thoughts fails, don't feel discouraged. Let it go. You tried.

Just focus on bettering yourself. It’s easy to say “don’t be so hard on yourself” but these situations really aren't our faults. They're just a symptom of the underlying problem which is that we are struggling with depression. By choosing to keep tacking the root of the problem, the symptoms of strained relationships will slowly go away until we are able to interact with other people without all the stress or need to wear a mask. =)

[tranchante.baby]

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

I try to remind myself that the ones who do take offense to my wanting to be left alone just don’t understand the stress that comes along with refusing their constant invitations. It isn’t pushing them away. They are simply being pressing and then taking the rejection personally. It is honestly very hard for someone who has not experienced this feeling to know how to approach someone who wants to be left alone. So I choose to forgive them, accept it has nothing to do with me, and move along.


If they keep pressing and telling you that you aren’t making enough of an effort, don’t react or be tempted to get on the defensive. Anyone looking at it objectively would observe and say that we really aren’t making an effort. But it’s because we have absolutely NO ENERGY to make that effort due to our disposition. So if others cannot understand the disposition, or if they tell you that they understand but still want you to snap out of it or suggest it is your fault for not putting in effort...well guess what? It actually isn’t your fault.


What is tricky is trying to ask the other person to change their behavior/approach towards you. Because in their minds, they have done nothing wrong besides try to reach out to you. And really, they haven’t done anything wrong besides…not learn how to interact with you the way you wished they would or could.


I wish the solution was simple. But in all honesty, the best way to get someone to understand the stress you associate with their constant attempts is to communicate with them. If that effort to communicate your thoughts fails, don't feel discouraged. Let it go. You tried.


Just focus on bettering yourself. It’s easy to say “don’t be so hard on yourself” but these situations really aren't our faults. They're just a symptom of the underlying problem which is that we are struggling with depression. By choosing to keep tacking the root of the problem, the symptoms of strained relationships will slowly go away until we are able to interact with other people without all the stress or need to wear a mask. =)

Thank you. This was good to read. Actually with people i really care about I tend to try to communicate and sometimes it does work. But I can't really please everyone just because I'm not a party animal. Guess my health must come first.

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