The man who stole my virginity wants to meet me after 28 years

I ws a child then and didnt know what was about to happen. If I drink something I would never leave it out of sight. I have been drugged down one time in my adult life too because I wasnt looking out for my drink. I would never do that again, not even in my home.

I dont know why I am thinking so sick as I do.

It really sounds like you are going to do what you probably had in mind to do when you began this thread. That's your right and it's perfectly fine. But geez... it's been 28 years. What is the point? You were fifteen years old and he was eighteen,,, or twenty? So that would make you about 43 and he 46 or 48? Can I ask you a question? What have you been doing the last 28 years? What could you possibly expect from this?

You are misinterpreting your feelings for this man.

This guy sounds as though he has never respected boundaries and he likely never will. You need trust and respect in a relationship and you will find neither with this guy.

This is what you can work on with a T (or posting here).

What I have been doing all these years???? We both have been married and lived different lives. That is what we have been doing.

I dont understand your question. Everybody lives their lives til they die.

What I expect I dont think of much because of past experience with two sociopaths. I just want to see him. It makes me a bit nervous, not because of him, but because its so long time ago.

I can believe I might do that. Even I dont feel that now.

I dont know how much respect he has given his wife or the mother to his children. That one can only speculate about.

I need to work with myself more than I have. What I do is I dont let men run over me. I can talk with men I like, but I dont let anyone use and abuse me. The same goes for this man too. I will protect my feelings and have told him I dont sleep with him or someone I am not in r/s with. He knwos I have a lot of experience with sociopaths. I said clearly to him I am sure of myself no matter what he thinks of himself.

I know that it doesnt matter I am sure of myself if he would be a brutal man, but I am about 99% sure he will not harm me. I dont know why I am sure of that, but I am. Its the gut feeling I have about him how I see him today as an adult. Of course they can fake and come across as normal. Still I am very sure he wont harm me even the fact he did when he was 20.

Some rapist will rape again, some wont. I think him coming from a rape culture and that he now has lived in Europe for about 20 years or more, I dont think he will assault.

If I find a therapist then my attraction to abusers and attracting abusers is absolutely something I would need help for.

You are repeatedly endangering yourself. I remember you were willingly going into stranger's car just because he looked handsome or something and now you are inviting a rapist to stay in your house. Are you not concerned about safety?

I wanted to add that if you decided to meet with him no matter what, he can rent a hotel room. Even if he isn't dangerous there is no need to have strangers at your house over night. You haven't spoken for 28 years and who knows what he is up to

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Do you feel that your life is empty right now?

Why did you post here?

Yes he could have rented a hotel room, but I said that yes its ok he stay here. I did get into that strangers car because he continued insisting to drive me down to the store which was 2 minutes walk away. I clearly was not able to keep boundaries back then. I have ran into him twice after that day and those times I said "no, its ok, I walk home" as he again wanted to drive me to my home. My home and store are 100 meters apart. Both times he wanted drive me but I didnt go into his car again and stood firm in my boundaries and just walk away fast. Not wanting to get any hassle talking with him.

I think I can garantee that things will be alright during his visit. I do not fear him as he is in the family. He visits my father and his woman and all ofthem have contact. It would be really foolish of this grown man to risk going to jail, lose his kids and all.

I know its hard to see this from the outside despite the fact what happen 28 years ago. I would be worried too if I was on the outside looking in to another life and in such circumstances. Maybe I see it a little different and this is why I dont fear him.

Its empty yes. I have been abandoned by my father, then cut off from 28 years ago. Lost my brother to suicide and my mother died suddenly of aneruisme, too young. Lost my last abusive x husband which was to trauma and shock to me / him wanting a green card only, he never got here ), my life is lonely and empty for sure.

I have my sister in east.

Me and my sister dont want to be alone and lonely. It eats us up on the inside. She will soon get help for her alcoholism and when she drinks she chose to sit with someone who drinks too, to not be alone. We feel its better to have someone than not have anybody at all. We both need care, someone who give some attention and care and nurturing, its like a hunger. Without we might wither and die.

I posted here and asked if I had normal feelings since I wanted to meet him. That was all I asked.

But even though you got responses that meeting ( and now actually spending days and nights alone at home with him) a man who drugged and raped you is NOT ok, you are still going to do it. So how is asking helped you in any way? Wanting to spend time with a rapist is something to address with mental health professional but instead your solution is to invite him spend the night. It is awfully sad and horrid

Have you decided to meet him, and that's final? Have you had feelings for him all these 28 years? or it's just a sudden surge of feelings after you found yourself alone, and he communicated with you?

Loneliness sucks, and it makes us make not the right decisions. I encourage you to reconsider the whole thing. If you want to meet and talk about the past, meet him in public. I'm sure it's a phase for you right now you feel you need someone to connect with, things will get better. You just need to believe. Someone else will come along who deserves to be with you. I don't think being with the wrong person is better than loneliness.

Did he arrive? It is Friday

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Lonelines sucks, that is for sure. He did arrive on friday and he took the flight back today. He was nice and he didnt harm me, he didnt attack me or anything. He spent hours deleting BS from my FB, deleting 300 people, as people/men had bombarded me with friend requests and also some shi*ty messages. He spent also time on my computer/phone to block my ex husband from contacting me, deleting accounts and so on. And creating new account for me. My ex husband who used me for a green card, this man saying its unhealthy for me to have contact. He knew I had problems going no contact with my xhusband and I dont feel very well about him blocking my xhusband. I know contact with my ex husband is unhealthy for me but I feel still I need to contact him and say what happened. I told my x husband a week ago and I also told him on thursday that I will get visit from this man. My x husband sounded annoyed on email on friday why I didnt answer him, using exclamation signs like he was in rage, then he called 14 times on saturday, he also called my phone and this man took the phone and told my xhusband he had wrong number and so and so. It was pretty uncomfortable for me because my xhusband new it was this man. Now I dont know now what to do. My x husband then started contacting my friend downstairs, desperate to get in touch with me. I am scared creating new accounts to say sorry to my xhusband, I am scared since this man helped me and I am somehow scared this man will see I contact my x husband again. I wanted to cut the contact with my x husband slowly and over time and not abrupt like this man did. I know this man is right, that contact is unhealthy for me as it has been going on for 5 years. But now I feel lost somehow.

This man, we can call him N. N was nice here, he seem to be kind. I am also a bit sceptical as I got to hear his life stories. Not sure if I should take a few things he said, concerning me and him, as red flags or not. Anyway, I am fine and the visit actually made me good. However how strange that may be or sound.

I found out more about my feelings for him. It might have been he contacted me and I felt so happy about talking to him and seeing him again. I still am happy to have seen him. But I am feeling a bit numb concerning my feelings about it all. I think that the high feeling I got when he wanted see me again and I him, that now that feeling have slow down and that is why I feel a bit numb.

I wanted see him because I wanted to feel and go back in time when I was spending time with him. I wanted to feel that again. You can say I have missed him somehow, but not sure if its because of the abandonment from my father and being cut off from N or if my feelings are something else.

I am glad you are safe. You don't need to report to your ex husband who visits you and what not. It's wise to block him and no need to do it slowly, you have no kids together so he had no need to stay in the picture, but am not sure why this N guy is interfering. Seems a bit controlling deleting your accounts etc just stay safe

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Thank you, divine. I shouldnt need to report to my x husband, but the contact has been going on for years and every friday at set time and to not talk openly makes me feel bad. I know I dont owe him anything. I know that I actually feel guilty for moving on. Even he was the one leaving me. Its not normal. N said I dont owe my x husband anything, that I have to be my own person, that I am not my x husbands slave that need to tell him everything. He said same as you.

I am thinking the same as you, why N was interfering so much. I think because he want me to belong to him and maybe have control. He didnt want me have more contact with my x husband and when deleting all the FB men/people, he uttered annoyance over these men being in my list.

It might have been controlling. I dont know, but it can have been. Its hard to know since I myself told N about all these Iraqi people bombarding me with calling me on FB, calling and calling, leaving crazy messages.

Maybe he was just annoyed because of them bothering me. N said he didnt want anyone to bother me with sick messages.

He deleted and blocked everyone except for my friends and friends of friends.

Did he leave any number of male friends undeleted and unblocked?

I wouldn't even let my fiancée to deleting my stuff so why is this stranger allowed to... Is he your BF now? Are you two a couple?

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He didnt delete or block my male friends. Only all those I said I dont know. We did go through it together.

He was allowed to because I said they are bothering me. I am glad he helped me with those Iraqi crazy men. What I did not feel ok with was him talking to my x husband on phone and saying he has gotten wrong number and blocking him. That N actually did this too, I should be greatful for, but fact is I need to do that process slowly.

I dont think much about what N and I are or have. Not for now.