The man who stole my virginity wants to meet me after 28 years

Yes, he should be able to admit it. I dont know what to think of it. Right now I think he may be devaluing me. As he may had an intent or believed we would have sex if he came here. He didnt say that directly but he tried joke "are we today grown up" and "should we behave". In a playing manner. Then saying he is decent too. He sent mixed signals.

Three days ago he love bombed me, sorta, how happy he is to have found me, that he wants to see me, that I now had found "him", that he had been wondering about me, thinking of me, wondering where that girl ( me) was, how I could just disapper ( as he had been visting my father and his sister and I was never there, not one picture of me ), that I should visit him and him me, going on vacation together. We could have back all that was missing in Asia. He said "This" time it will only be me and him, no interference from his sister. As I wondered how he would react if his sister and my father knew he would see me again. He did show me empathy and compassion for me being thrown out. He made me feel so good, that he cared.

He told me he still have videos of me. I didnt know he had secretly video taped me in Asia, except for one time, as I saw the red light from the cam. It makes me anxious what videos he has. Its not funny if it should be something bad.

Two days now its been like he wants to ignore me. Yesterday he said he would call me today, but he hasnt, yet, and now its 9pm

I was about to want to cry twice this evening, but did hold it in.

If he took contact only to love bomb me, admit what happened, get excited by that, then talk to me on phone 1 hour being empathic and so good to talk to, then tell me sweet dreams and love and to just not care anymore, I will believe he is another abuser, still, today.

I am feeling extremely vulnerable right now. And if he doesnt call me I would likely go in hiding for days. Like a little girl in the dark with her teddy.

I think I do understand what you are feeling. This guy is even more than just him to you emotionally, he also ties in to your feelings of abandonment from your father.

If he doesn't call to see you again, fine. He's done you a favor.

But if he does call again, I think you should try to get what you need to hear from him over the phone-- that he did drug you and that he did rape you. It may have been fun and wild for him, but it was not for you.

Isn't that really what you want from him now?

If he really cared for you back then, why did he need to drug you without your knowledge?

Maybe there is something in that....that I feel vulnerable because of abandonment from my father and all the trauma. I wish I knew why I feel so vulnerable. It feels very real to me that I miss this man. It feels like I miss him badly. It feels like he is the only one who can fix my hurt.

If he calls me again I wish he would care for me in real. Idont want anything else from him. I know what happened. He doesnt have to admit it to me. I dint tell him I knew he raped me because I hoped he would care for me.

If he doesnt call then I will know all his nice words didnt mean a thing. And if so is I guess he do me a favor as I dont need someone who fake love and does not care.

I have had much abuse in my life. I was raped when I was 18 too. By a boyfriend but I wouldnt have wanted to see him again AT ALL.

But this man when I was 15, I feel I miss him badly. So maybe it really is about abandonment.

I guess he didnt care back then, somehow.

Saturday I visited my friend downstairs, I let this man know as I didnt know when he would be on FB. When back in at my apartement I asked him how his evening had been, he said "bad", I asked why and he said because I was not there..he was not angry, only joking a bit I think..I said sorry..we both said lol

If he felt so bad, then why he is ignoring me. It feels like I have done something wrong to make him ignore me.

He gave me his phone nr, email address and stuff, and then nothing. I still have hope he calls, but my hope is starting to vanish.

If you want my honest opinion, it's obvious he wants to have sex with you. He got a divorce, he's frustrated, he wants to take his frustration on you and I'd stay the he** away from him if I were you. You're not a toy, no one is a toy, you're worth more than that.

Sweetie, he's obviously a great talker and that's the signmark of great abusers. They know exactly what to say, what to do, to get the most out of their victims. He's playing with you, his compassion and empathy are just false pretexts to quench his thirst for vulnerable girls. If he genuinely missed you or truly felt compassionate about you, it wouldn't have taken him 28 years!! to find you.

Don't worry, it's only blackmailing, most abusers don't have the ba**s to leak videos. Even if he did, it's not a valid reason to give him sex in exchange of his silence. Make a case, filming someone against her consent is illegal. You see, he looks all tough but when you look at him with cold blood, he's not scary at all. He's not as intimidating as he looks. There are holes in his plan, he makes tons of mistakes, he's incriminating himself, really, he's an amateur! One tip, save all your written conversations with him, they could be used as proofs against him if you sue him.

Let it all out, holding it in is one of the worst thing you can do. Let it all out, it will make you feel great! You're all stressed out, you're upset, you're keeping a ton of bad feelings inside of you and it's hurting you. It's hurting you in many ways and the best way you can remedy with this is letting out all the bad feelings you have in you.

Please see through his game. He's only doing this to abuse you, again! If I loved a girl, I wouldn't wait nearly 3 decades to tell her ''I love you''. Real love is based on honesty, since he can't be 100% honest with you by admitting he drugged you, it's not real love, as simple as that. See, I demolished all he said in 2 sentences. He's an amateur. And I studied in psychology, it helps! lol

Don't flee tearsinabottle, let out all the bad feeling you have in you. Keep talking with us, when you'll feel better because right now you're still too emotionally fragile, tell him all you have on your heart and cut bridges with him. You don't owe him anything, I don't know you personally but I can tell you one thing. I see huge, disgusting persons and they manage to have girlfriends/boyfriends. They're very NASTY persons and they CAN have relationships! You seem like a sweet girl, I don't see ANY valid reason why you couldn't have one when they do.

Then he is an even emptier person than I thought. You don't exist just to amuse him, you're not a clown! When I was dating, if my girlfriend was out with friends, I'd go to the gym, go watch a movie, go out with friends, you know, have fun. Because one of the key to live an happy life is to make your own happiness. You can't rely on others because they can't always be there for you and if they can't and you can't make your own happiness, you'll be sad and all desoriented. Using others to fill a void in ourselves is a recipe for disaster. That's why some people survive break-ups and find someone in a matter of days and some people fall into depression.

You did nothing wrong, he was just annoyed that you were not there to amuse him, forcing him to do nothing in his miserable life and I say, good for him! You don't owe him anything and he has A LOT of work to do if he wants to one day, live an happy life, living REAL love relationships.

I was a bit unclear about his being divorced. He divorced over 10 years ago. No children with her. The mother of his kids he only lived together with. I find it a bit weird why the kids live with him. Only thinking this because of what I know about him. I dont know how long he has been single.

He lived in Asia at this time, when the assault happened. We lived in different worlds. It was difficult to find me because of this. I had no address as I was just a child still. There was no possible way for him to find me as my father and this mans sister would never tell him where I was. I did ask him if he asked my father and his sister about where I was, but he didnt do that, telling me he would know they wouldnt tell anything. I believe in that, but it can also be something he just said to make me think he wondered about me.

We both got married and lived different lives, in two different worlds, he in Asia, me in Norway. He lives in Germany today.

But I know that he cannot have meant any words he has said to me and it hurts. He seems to abuse me again.

I know how sociopaths operate and it makes me think he may be one now, because sociopaths are those people who love bomb and say all you want to hear, they know what to say, and then suddenly when they have assessed you, if you can give them what they want, then they stay for abusing you and taking from you, and if they sense you cant or wont give them what they want, then they trash you like I used cleenex, like you never existed and without warning. Its really brutal. It makes me think he is one of these abusers or sociopath, who doesnt care at all how they hurt others. If he didnt want to hurt me he would have called.

I dont want to sue him. I am so tired. I know it couldnt have been love back then, but I hoped he would have some real care today. But it doesnt look like that. I know he is busy with work and 3 kids, but its not difficult to make that phone call if he wanted. He doesnt want or care. I guess because he wanted sex only, maybe, even he didnt say it right out.

He said he could get flight tickets on Sunday night, yesterday. I told him to let me know if he took that flight and he responded with "why". Like he was playing a game. He didnd come and didnt contact me at all that day. Sunday night I asked if all is well, he said he was in his sisters house. He then said he would call me today as I said I hoped we could talk. He has not called.

Its really bad of him to not call. He knows what he did and now he does this to me. How can he My only reasoning why and how he can do this to me is to think he is another abuser.

Did he contact me only to enjoy and get excited about what he did ( beside the good things he said and that he called me ). I felt I had known him for years. And now theres nothing.

I only attract abusers. I only get attracted to abusers. Even the men who are on tv in reality shows, the ones I find attrctive are the bad ones. I know I deserve love and I wish love in my life. But it doesnt seem to happen with any of the men I am attracted too. I have no luck.

He called and we talked for 2 1/2 hours. He is now everything else I have been thinking this day. He is coming on friday and will stay for two days. He seems like a really nice person, quite normal and easy to talk to. I might have been wrong about him somehow. I am confused since our FB chat and how he is now on phone again. We talked in real on facetime.

Make sure he doesn't stay in your place. Don't be alone with him

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Perhaps I am not understanding this post. The post and the answers are confusing me a little, so apologies to all....

You need to work on yourself. YOU DO NOT want a relationship with a man who raped you when you were a child.

Please. Work on yourself. Do not let him into your life again.

She isn't listening. We all said the same thing. At this point I see no sense in keep repeating same thing so all I can do is to warn her to not be alone with him. We can't make OP not to see the guy. She is convinced he is an awesome man.

I doubt there is one person who thinks that it's a good idea to get together with the person who rapes young girls. It's all very sad.

I did react when he said "bad". Even he joked, I know the tactics some abusers use to make you feel you have done something wrong. I know I didnt do anything wrong even I was made to feel that way. It might have been my own feelings I projected on myself. Maybe he didnt mean it that way, but I felt it this way. Anyway I know I didnt do anything wrong.

Its right, I am not a clown who should sit like a duck. I am only wondering what could be behind his joking "pity play". If it was just a joke for fun, some people joke for fun like this, or if he really tried the pity play to see how I reacted.

I am sad I am disappointing you. I dont mean too. I dont know why I meet him. I dont even know why I do think he can have grown a good person.

I will let my friend downstairs check I am ok. I have told my sister too. I may need to think of some way to be safer.

I live in a crowded area with many neighboor across the hall. It feels safer than if I should be in a private house. I will try make my situation safer.

There is something wrong with the way I feel. I know many trauma rape victims have abnormal feelings for their abuser or person who does this kind of thing. But I am not alone having these sick feelings. I know its not right, but I have them. I cant say I am sorry I have them because its not my fault.

Just to say, I dont plan sleeping with him. I will just let these two days pass, when he is visting and I will take it from there. I will make my situation safer, if I can. Maybe things will go all fine. Maybe after this I might get a clearer picture.

Work on yourself (with help) BEFORE you meet him.

Just because we have feelings doesn't mean we should act on them.


I felt sad, lonely, heart broken when i left my ex, but imagine I acted on those feelings and took him back? The guy who mistook me for a punching bag.


I sometimes used to feel the urge to burn down my house, with my family in it (but not my daughter) imagine I had acted on those feelings?


Sometimes I feel like high fiving people.... in the face... With a chair, because they're bloody annoying.

Imagine I acted on those feelings?


Sometimes, well alot of times, I feel like running away from my life and everyone in it, imagine I acted on that feeling.


Yes, your feelings are all valid, even if they are incomprehensible, but there's no rule that states you have to act on them.


At this point, if I were in your shoes, I would draw up a pros and cons list and make my decision based on it's outcome. That way I would know I'm behaving in a rational, logical manner, and that my choice probably (usually definitely) won't backfire.


But, to each their own, sometimes some people must just make their own mistakes instead of listening to the wise warnings of others. It's the only way they learn.

Tearsinabottle, you said it yourself, you are confused, you feel vulnerable, yet, you would allow someone that raped you in the past back in your life? What do you think he will do exactly, what are his motives? To me, it's extremely obvious, history will repeat itself. Even if he had ''changed'', he think he did but he did not. You can't have a relationship with someone you abused, the relationship is broken forever, it just won't work. That's why I believe and you're free of doing what you want but trust me, even if you two got back together, what will happen? He'll dump his 3 kids and come live with you? You'll leave your life behind and go live with the man that abused you? You have contradictory feelings towards him, obviously because he raped you. Those will never go away in a relationship with him, you could live with him but it won't be a happy life. The only solution is to move on and chase him of your life permanently. You need closure for this terrible event back in your childhood but not this kind of closure.

He is a sociopath. Not the type of your person you want in your life. Do you think it's normal to pay thousands of dollars to go visit one of your ex from nearly 30 years ago for 2 days? That's very irresponsable. What about his 3 kids? I bet if he tried to explain what he's about to do to just about anyone, people would frown eyes and ask themselves ''is he okay? What is wrong with him?''. He has responsabilites, he has a life as a father and he's showing a great deal of immaturity by acting this way. Instead of becoming a real man, he's running away from his responsabilities and giving in to his pulsions. That's what sociopaths do. They're very unstable persons. They're dangerous and he might harm you or worse when he's alone with you in your apartment, no one knows what's going on in his twisted mind.

Like I said, this is your life, you're a big girl, you're free of doing what you want but it's not a coincidence in literally NO ONE is telling you to meet him. Think about it.

I was thinking tonight that I should talk to a specialists in trauma.

Trauma makes it more difficult than if it just was not to act on feelings that has no trauma in it. I dont act in any other things in my life either. I know you are right in what you say. Maybe pros and cons can help me look at it another way.

You say you have neighbors to look out for your safety...


That's all good and well, but they can't help you if you're drugged and unconscious again.


Just saying, he didn't give you the opportunity to scream for help last time, so what makes you think he'll afford you that chance now?


You are clearly not thinking clearly.

I have my own set if trauma, its not an alien concept to me, the man who ruined my childhood is my own brother and I refuse to have anything to do with him.


I would sooner die than play happy families with him.


Why do I share this?


Because you assume people are posting put of ignorance, when that is just not the case. You're posting on PC remember, not Yahoo Answers....

Lazarus, I have never thought about it that its weird he comes see me, because of all that have happened in that family including my father. But I will admit I would think the same as you if it was you or someone else. But I cant get myself to not wanting to see him. I will also admit I understand that other people would frown and not believe what they hear if they were to hear him having contacted me after what he did and just like this. I can try be shocked too, but I am not. I think because I dont think or feel the way I should feel about this. I have a few times these days said to myself "what am I doing". I havent had much time thinking through things and I am responding very spontanious to this.

I never though I would see him again.

The only reason I feel safe is because he is in family. He isnt that stupid to harm me when he knows everyone would know. May be I am naive there, but I really think he wouldnt do that. He has children and he csnt risk going to jail for his stupidity.

I have no idea what he thinking about us or anything. He might just go back to his country and thats it. Maybe that is for the best. I may not be thinking clear. When you said I could never be happy with him because of what he did, it striked me. I got a feeling you may be right and I am fooling myself because of overwhelmd feelings about this and him. It feels like a dream, but reality with him might be another.

High fiving people... in the face... with a chair was so hilarious. Sorry but I had to remark it.