Coping with Guilt over fiance being homeless

How do I cope with the guilt of my now ex fiance being homeless when I know I am not responsible, nor is it my fault that he is homeless? I brought him here to my state to live with me to save him from homelessness initially (he was kicked out of his home), it did not work out between us (all went bad), so I left him after four months of him not working and me supporting both of us (not what I expected -- I expected he would get a job). He got a job after I left, but ruined it somehow and ended up hospitalized... now he is on the streets and living part time in a homeless shelter. I know that this is all his own doing and all his own fault. He was kicked out of his home for a reason, and I left him for good reasons, too. But I am going out with my friends tonight in the town right next door, but how can I possibly forget about him and even have fun when I know he is totally alone, scared and just trying to survive? I don't know how to cope with this at all. I have a big heart and just feel so badly and so guilty, even though perhaps he needs a kick in the butt to get his act together. I'm the one who convinced him to come here to be with me afterall, and now he's all alone. I offered to buy him a bus ticket home, even, but he has nowhere to go there, too. He declined the offer for now, and is trying to make it here. He will be getting food stamps and SSI soon, but in the meantime, how do I cope with all of this and even live my life and still have fun? I cannot have fun knowing he is in pain and having a rough time.

Honestly, you didn't "bring" him anywhere. He made a conscious choice. He chose to go with you. He chose to say no to your offer. Living in a homeless shelter will open doors (for assistance) that otherwise would not, so it's not as bad as it sounds. He will be back on his feet as soon as he gets the SSI and food stamps and if he so chooses, could likely find a lot of help even now. Free phones with minutes. Free health care. Free clothes. Some places help employ people who are homeless and provide free transportation to n from work. He isn't helpless even if he may make it sound that way. Once he gets a job, he will qualify for low income housing and possibly small loans or first time buyer loans for a vehicle. There are things he can do if he chooses. He will also still have access to food pantries and "clothes closets" and places that sell furniture for very low prices or even give it away. Some places give money for gas and laundry. There is help to cover utility costs. He can make it if he wants to and is willing to put in the effort to find these places and give the info they require. You should allow yourself to move on and live your life now that you are no longer in a relationship, and allow him to do the same. Doing otherwise will just hold both of you back.

*hugs*

I have been in the situation you describe. It can feel awful and will for a while. Crypts offers a good outline of the many forms of help available to him. There is a path off of the street open to him, if he will make some effort to follow it. I went through this with a man I loved and with a brother, so I really do know what it's like. I know about the guilt part. That diminishes over time.

I remember saying to myself, "How can I enjoy getting into a warm bed at night with a full stomach, knowing "he" is wandering cold and hungry? One day I answered myself this way: "Yes, I am warm and and comfortable, and him not being so does not make me less warm or less comfortable. I am doing the things an adult has to do to have the necessities of life. He isn't, so he is distressed. That's sad, and I am sorry for him. I don't need to judge him. I leave that to God. But he makes choices that are irresponsible and he gets the natural consequences of those choices and those behaviors. That's how life works. My dinner and my warm bed are mine because I pay the dues to have them. I'm sorry for his pain, but I really don't have to feel his pain. It's not my pain."

There are reasons why he is as dysfunctional as he is. That's why I wouldn't judge. But life works a certain way. At some level, he simply will not accept the "rules" of how life works. He feels he should have an exemption. That's wrong thinking, but he's clinging to that thinking. He's an adult and has the right to make that choice.

You can get so wrapped up in pity that you decide, "I'm going to step in and protect him from all his wrong choices." You can ruin your own life that way. Or you can decide that his situation is a sad situation, but it's his, not yours. The world is full of suffering, some of it brought on by wrong behavior. And very innocent people doing all the right things get afflicted with awful suffering through no fault of their own. If you want to volunteer to help some worthy cause, do so. But don't make being someone's personal savior your cause. That just doesn't work out well.

You've had a learning experience. You got inappropriately involved in another human being's dysfunction. That's okay, but now you detach and move on. Life will feel sweet to you again in time. You won't feel his cold and hunger, unless you deliberately insist on dwelling on that. Don't.

This is a thing you can and will get over, if you stay detached and allow time to heal, as it will do.

I understand you may feel guilty, but please, try to remember that it's not your fault at all, you can't take responsability for the actions of everyone you meet in your life..

Guilt is not the correct emotion here. You are not guilty in any way. You tried to save a drowning man. You gave him a life preserver. But he sank again, regardless. You broke up with him as to not let him pull you down with him. Self preservation. He was drowning before you, and he is drowning after your help. It is not your fault in any way.

What you are feeling is empathy. Your heart breaks for this guy. I have felt that, too. You just have to keep him in your prayers and wish the best for him. But he is his own worst enemy, and it has nothing to do with you.

That analogy of the drowning man who can pull you down with him is a good one. The Coast Guard is there, but he doesn't want the professional rescue swimmers. He wants you instead. That's very selfish. Considering the selfishness of that is a good antidote to guilt.

In life, there is a price for everything. He refuses to pay. He thinks you should pay for him. He thinks, "Golden eve could pay for me. If she loved me, she would. Then, someday, I'll pay her back." The "someday" never comes. A guy like this drains others, rather than making much of an effort, himself. You should go to work. He shouldn't have to because, when he had a job, the boss didn't treat him right. Or he had a co-worker who was mean to him. Or it was just too hard to get up in the morning. Or the job was boring and didn't make him feel fulfilled. He wasn't lucky, like you, to get a great job with perfect bosses and perfect co-workers, where you feel perfectly fulfilled and you just love getting up every morning and going to this heaven of a workplace. He'ld work too, if only life hadn't cheated him and had given him the golden opportunities you've had. You see - this is how people like him think. He's got a million excuses for why he can't do what adults need to do. Maybe there's a substance abuse problem. (Usually there is.) He's got a bunch of excuses for why he can't turn that around either.

When you see that he is mainly a victim of his own immature thinking that says life should give him a special exemption from responsibility, then your guilt will start to abate. When you start to see that he would, basically, like to live as a parasite off of you - and has no guilt whatsoever about that - then you will let go of guilt that you aren't carrying him on your back.

Lots of us screw up, from time to time, and need a hand up temporarily. He's trying to say that's all he's asking for from you. But you know better. His problem is not temporary, but permanent . . . until he changes his thinking. He's got Wrong Thinking going on in his head, but he's sticking with it. He wants to stick with it and let you pay for the consequences. Ponder that and, in time, you'll feel less guilty.

I want to thank you ALL so very much, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your thoughtful replies!!!! I really appreciate your input and insights here. I would reply individually, but I'm just too exhausted mentally. I want each of you to know that your thoughtful input means a LOT to me, so THANK YOU ALL. *****HUGS******

Many words and thoughts here have resonated with me. It is empathy I feel. The guilt is only because I convinced him to move here with me. But this was also HIS choice.... I am not responsible for his choices, too.

Rose76, your words really hit home with me. He does have faulty thinking, and the way you laid it out seems to match perfectly.

You all have helped me to see that I really do not need to feel guilty.

Crypts, thank you. I am so glad to know that there are so many options available for help for him. Now it's up to him to follow through.

Last night when I went out, I actually looked on the streets to see if I could find him, as I drove to my destination. I was crying. However, I was able to compartmentalize the situation when I got there and was able to still have a good time with my friends. I told one friend what I was facing, then he smiled and said, "let's dance". So I did. Another friend said, let's just hope he's OK.

What I face also is the fact that he is suicidal, too. He went to the hospital just a few weeks ago, suicidal. He had threatened suicide every time I tried to kicked him out (which was numerous times).

Yes, he does have substance abuse problems. This is partially why I had to break up with him. He is an addict, and that became clear to me. I did not realize this fully beforehand... he said he would not drink, but then he started drinking again and abused drugs, too.

He's got mental health and substance abuse issues that are preventing him from living a full life. I do not excuse his behavior because of these issues. He needs to grow up and learn how to be a responsible adult, who can function in an adult world. I am not responsible for that, nor can I teach him that, nor should I.

He has lived off the help of his family and others for a long time now. No one will help him anymore. His entire family has cut him off, and they would rather see him sleep in the streets than offer any more help or money. That is also why I feel responsible to help him, because no one else will.

But I cannot make up for his awful family, nor should I have to. I understand the need for tough love, but if they really cared, they would get him into some sort of residential treatment program rather than allow him to live on the streets.

And they all blame me for this, too. They don't want him talking to me and would be horrified if they knew he was. I don't see why I am the bad guy here, when all I did was try to help him for four months and supported him. Sure, I made some mistakes with his family when they kicked him out. I was angry and blamed his mother for not helping him... but they've never met me, they don't know what he put me through, and they don't know half of what i did to try and help him. It makes me angry that they blame me, but I guess it's easier to blame someone else rather than yourself.

My heart does break for him. I feel such deep sadness over this, I don't even know what to do with it. If he hurts himself, I will not blame myself, but I will be devastated to say the least. I feel the need to stay in touch with him just to make sure he is OK.

As it is, I haven't heard from him since yesterday at 4 PM. I know I cannot worry myself sick wondering if he is alive, but I cannot help it. I feel like I'm possibly the only one in his life who truly cares what happens to him.

I offered him a bus ticket home. I will keep that offer because if things get really bad here, I want him to know that he can go home, to be around his friends at least, even if he still has to live in a homeless shelter.

Soon it will be cold here and I worry that he will still be on the streets. My biggest concern is suicide. I pray that he stays alive.

I don't know what else he put you through so I won't say he is an abusive or controlling person but his constant threats of suicide if you left is controlling behavior. It is actually very unlikely he will follow through. He just wanted to make you stay with him and keep him up. If you really need to make sure he is ok, I would recommend you do so without letting him know you are so he actually gets on with his life instead of thinking he can still manipulate you.

This is good advice. I am too naive.... I always see the best in someone. That is just pure naivete. I don't know where this comes from in me.... I wish I could be more street savvy and smart. I am just not. I am soft and have a very compassionate, caring heart - too much so. I am one of those bleeding heart souls that cares to the point of hurting myself. I do back off, once I get hurt, though, and I do look after myself. I won't stay in an abusive situation, and that is why I left him. The point? Thank you -- it probably is manipulative and controlling. I don't even see it.

Oh, I should point out that he has attempted suicide once before... he almost died, had the ambulance not come. I think the suicide threat is very real, and very possible.

Even so, he is using it to manipulate your emotions

I believe you are right. :/ ARGH.

*hugs*
Don't kick yourself for not knowing but now that you do, make a change and just start worrying about him less and you more.
*hugs*

thank you so much. I will definitely do that!!!

You're welcome.

*hugs*

Do not "stay in touch with him, just to make sure he is okay." He's not okay and he will not be okay. He'll be less and less okay, until he makes major changes in his thinking that he is nowhere near ready to make. If you want to be willing to accept phone calls from him, you can do that for awhile. He will call and he will be looking for a handout or refuge from The Street. Stick to your offer of a bus ticket home. I think that's decent of you. Plus, it gets him out of your backyard, so to speak.

I believe every human being deserves my empathy. It's okay to feel that someone's plight is very unfortunate and even tragic. It's okay to shed a tear over someone else's pain. Those are not reasons, however, to become inappropriately involved in someone else's plan to live life crazy. He plans to keep drinking and drugging and not doing what an adult needs to do. Part B of his plan is to find those who will rescue him from consequences, but not demand that he grow up. I've been in your exact situation. It taught me a lot. Hopefully, you won't learn as slowly as I did. I learned the social safety net provides a great deal of help (more than you have any idea) to those who sincerely want to do the very hard work of becoming a ful-fledged adult. Even a person with psychiatric issues has the responsibility to do that. There are group homes for those who are so mentally incapacitated that they cannot think beyond the level of a child. Being in those homes also imposes rules and restrictions. "Every form of refuge has its price." (Eagles' song.) He's looking for the deal of deals, where he lives by no rules, and you provide him all he needs.

You will hear from him again. That will stop only when he decides you can't be suckered anymore. That will make you a real byeetch in his book. So when he tells you what a cold, heartless piece of crap you are, take solace in knowing that he is possibly about to give up trying to use you. Or, maybe, he's not the angry type . . . just the poor little lost lamb kind. In any case, you driving around looking for him just fosters the impression in his mind that you are available to rescue him. Don't do that because it's unfair to him for you to foster that hope.

There is a lesson for you to learn here. It is not right to become involved with an immature adult and foster that adult having an inappropriate dependence on you. It leads to the mess you found yourself in and are still trying to get out of. It would be nice, if all a lonely woman had to do was to find some dysfunctional but likeable male, offer him a hand up and thereby have herself a nice source of love and the fulfillment of fond dreams. If that were likely to work out, there would be no need for a nice girl to be lonely. It doesn't often (if ever) work that way. You were lonely and thought you saw a short-cut out of loneliness. There are no short-cuts to accomplishing the big goals in life, like finding a soul-mate. I say this to you because you are a magnet to men like this guy. He's probably not the last of his type to spot you and mount a charm offensive to melt your little heart. You see how it goes. The guy has problems, but, if only a nice gal like you would just love and believe in him, he could turn it all around. Yeah, right.

The next guy might not be a homeless alchy/druggie. He might be a struggling musician, or a guy starting his own business, who is so creative and has such a promising future, if only you would support him just until his band, or his business, gets established. Don't fall for it. You're at risk. You're susceptible to a good line of baloney, and you like to buy into a pretty fantasy. ("I promise I won't drink. Cross my heart.") This guy on the street needs to work on himself, and that's his problem. But you got some work to do, too, or you'll replace him with another loser who'll suck the life out of you.

Hi there, I appreciate your thoughts. He and I were engaged, and we're now on friendly terms, as long as I feel I am not being manipulated. Respectfully, I don't see why that is inappropriate. I will not rescue him, nor will I fall for someone else's similar antics. I do not typically "rescue" men.... I do, however, tend to draw the wrong types of men. Now I will be a lot more picky the next go around, when I am ready... and that will be a long time from now. I want to address my relationship issues in therapy first and see what I am doing wrong to attract the wrong types of men. I think it is fine if my ex and I remain friends... and again, as long as I don't feel it's unhealthy for me or as though I am being manipulated. We started as friends for a while first, and now we are talking like we're just friends again. He knows I am not offering money or any other support other than a bus ticket if he needs it. He knows he can no longer rely on me in that way. He wants to pay me back the money he owes me, too. I think the key here is for me to make sure I am not being manipulated emotionally. I had agreed that he was earlier, & I believe he did while we were together. But I don't have to put up with that if we are distant and not involved anymore. I can also tell him to just cut the crap.

I wanted to add this earlier, but had to run.

My ex, who is very much like this bf of yours, has lived off women during the times in his life when he was not homeless. He always got women to take him in, and then they all ended up throwing him out!

The bottom line is the guy can't stand on his own two feet and he uses women to fall back on when he can find nice ones like you and me.

Thank you for your reply. I don't know about my ex's past girlfriends and whether he lived off of them or not. I know of one, another ex fiance, and he was the one who worked and supported the two of them.

Right now, he is standing on his own two feet. He's gotten himself a case worker, he made his way to a shelter, he is fending for himself, and soon will get food stamps and SSI. He's done all of this on his own, without my help. He probably had other people helping him, but he's not mooching off of anyone, as far as I know. His family won't help him anymore, for reasons I am not aware of. He has burnt bridges with them, but I suspect he must have done similar things to them and probably far worse.

I am going to be careful here. Everyone, online and offline, has warned me to be careful about re-establishing a friendship, and I am listening to that. I am not sure what I am doing right now, or what my motive is in being friends again, but I know I still love him and that's what makes this so very hard. The one thing I do know is I cannot get back involved with him romantically, regardless of my feelings and my heart. I also know I will not support him again or let him mooch off of me again. I draw the line.

I agree with TishaBuv's remarks (both posts). I know you feel guilty but it's really not your fault or your responsibility. Does he have family that can turn to? There are agencies that can help him if he reaches out. He has to want to help himself.

You're right, and I do see this now. Initially, I had overwhelming guilt, but others here, and you too, are helping me to see I don't need to feel guilty. He has done this to himself. I also know it's not my responsibility. I took care of him for four months, now he has to take care of himself.

He does have a case worker and is in the system to get government assistance. He should get food stamps soon and SSI, if he remains unemployed. I think he will be OK, provided his mental health stays in tact.

His family refuses to help him anymore. He has burnt bridges there and they are all fed up with him.

So, if you're 47, I take it that this guy is somewhere between the ages of 35 and 55. It's pretty hard to get SSI at that age. I take it he's applying on the basis of having a mental disability that prevents him from being "gainfully employed." (That's what he will have to establish. They don't give you SSI just because you're unemployed and homeless. You do realize that - don't you?) They will require that he has sought and complied with psychiatric treatment to make him as high functioning as possible. A history of drinking and drugging is considered being non-compliant with sound medical advice. He will be expected to prove compliance with taking recommended medication. Substance abusers often prefer their alcohol and street drugs over legally ordered psych meds. My point is that I don't see this guy getting approved for SSI in time to have an income before the cold weather sets in.

It used to be that a person could get SSDI or SSI based on chronic alcoholism. I had an uncle who got it on that basis. Those days are gone, thanks to an act passed by Congress quite a while ago. Check out the links below to verify that.

https://www.disabilityadvisor.com/so...urity-benefit/

Can You Get Disability Benefits for Chronic Alcoholism? | DisabilitySecrets

So it's looking to me like you are going to see him on the street when the Winter cold sets in. The competition for shelter beds goes up in cold weather, as the lines to get in lengthen. Also, some shelters (like those run by the Salvation Army, which are among the better shelters) breathalyze applicants for shelter on a nightly basis, often requiring that applicants show up by 6 p.m. and be sober. Furthermore, they don't tolerate belligerant behavior, which your friend has a tendency towards. Also, it's harder for a single guy to get shelter than for a man who is part of a family, or for a woman. Also, it's harder for an adult under the age of 60. My point is that your friend is probably going to find himself out under the stars some bitter, cold night come winter. Having a case manager doesn't solve everything.

Your state does have one of the best social safety nets in the nation. But it is a cold place in Winter and has a high demand for social services. Apartments are expensive in your neck of the woods. Even if he got SSI (which is about $850/mon. in MA,) he would probably need to get a housing subsidy to be able to afford rent. It can take years on a waiting list to get that. Section 8 Centralized Waiting List Massachusetts

My point is that, for these and a bunch more reasons, your friend will probably find himself in crisis, of one kind or another, within a few months. When he does, he will call his best friend in MA, which is you. You might want to start planning now how you will respond. Being friends with someone who has huge problems that he's had for a very long time and not a lot of resources for coping can become more demanding than you have the experience to anticipate.

What seems high in your priorities is a need to not feel responsible for having done anything to feel guilty about. You mighy want to losen your tight grip on that. It is not possible to make one's way through life without occasionally making imprudent judgements that adversely affect others. It's more important to be concerned with figuring out, "What do I decide to do, going forward, that I can feel is the stand-up thing to do?" Building on the info in the links I've shared, you might want to do some research into the problems typically encountered by someone with your friend's profile and the resources society in your area provides to address those problems. You might also want to check out Al-Anon, if only to pick up some of their literature, which I found greatly helped my thinking about what my role could, or should, be in caring about a homeless alcoholic.

https://www.shelterlistings.org/stat...achusetts.html

http://www.disabilitysecrets.com/dne...ity-state.html

Actually Rose, I got SSI within 3 months of applying on the grounds of being mentally unstable. I was 33 at the time, so only a couple years younger than the age group you gave.

Does 2 years make that much difference?

Just curious, not trying to start anything.

Also, yes, housing subsidy usually takes years but if you are homeless and live in a shelter, you automatically get "bumped" to the top of the list. I know this from having been homeless and lived in a shelter.

Actually, I misspoke and over-simplified. I got approved for SSDI in 3 months, so that does happen, even for people a lot younger tham myself. I don't know enough about his circumstances to predict. What helped me was having a long well-documented paper trail of getting psych treatment and being med-compliatent. I got a disability law firm to represent me, and I was very well-organized and did a good job on my paperwork. It's less likely that all those things are true of someone in the streets with a history of substance abuse who is still using. Maybe he'll get approved right away, but I wouldn't bet on it.

How fast one can get a low-income housing subsidy can depend on where you live, among other things. Some communities have even closed down their waiting list to get a subsidy. You have to ask yourself why is it that we see so many homeless people in the street? There are special provisions in some areas for persons who are diagnosed mentally ill and have a history of chronic homelessness. There are organizations that specifically advocate for persons in that category. So he might have extra help available. Still and all, persons who are drinking and drugging can be very inefficient about accessing help. They tend to be not very good at cooperating with agencies that want to help them. At least, that's what I have witnessed first-hand. My brother, who is alcoholic, manages to keep hitting the streets, despite all the help that's been invested in him. (A lot from family, including me, and society at large.) He goes from crisis to crisis. My guess is that golden's friend is heading down the same twisted path.

There are reasons why this guy's family have gotten sick to death of him. He'll probably have that effect, eventually, on anyone who gets involved with him. Of course, that's just me taking a wild guess.