Ghosting

Today I am feeling very broken up about the fact that I was (still am?) being "ghosted" or ignored by someone I love and care about deeply.

The saddest part is I feel like such a fool because this is the third time over the past five years that this person has come back into my life, only to leave again. But this is the first time he has completely shut me out and ignored my attempts to reach out. It would be easier to just be told to get lost and never bother him again. That would be one thing. But this is unbearable.

I have made a pathetic fool out of myself time and time again lately. The last message I sent was me pouring my heart out to him, stating I missed my best friend and how we used to talk everyday. Missed him being a part of my life. I said if he didn't want to talk like that again that was fine, but that it would mean a lot if he could respond and tell me. That was over three weeks ago.

Now I feel like a total idiot. I keep checking for a response of some kind that I know wont come. Now I am left to wonder if he will ever come back into my life again.

I screw up time and time again with him. My attachment to him always pushes him away. I expect too much, then I lose him. This last time we stopped talking for three years before he randomly messaged me again. I know I need to move on from him, and for the last five years I have tried and failed.

I need him so much right now, just to hear his voice and feel like everything is going to be alright.

Struggling with this so much today. Have so much to tell him. I feel so rejected by him.

Not having closure is terrible, and getting into that repetitive habit of checking for a response constantly only digs us deeper into a hole, which I know you know. If it helps, keep writing about it here. We'll listen.

Hi Ghosting, you're not an idiot for reaching out. If this person has done this to you before, he/she doesn't deserve you. You may be feeling bad for falling into the trap again, but that doesn't mean your are stupid.

I agree about not checking constantly for a message, and it's not easy to do.

Thank you both for your kind words. I feel like a sinking ship today. I don't know why I can't get over him. I also hate the fact that I push him away. Why am I the way I am?

Hm. Do you feel like you have attachment issues? Or separation anxieties? Trouble making friends, and thus you hold them extra close when you do? I'm not just assuming any of these are true about you, but those are the first questions that come to mind. What do you think?

In general, no. In this case, absolutely. I have close friendships with the people I care about. Not a ton of friends, as I don't care for meaningless friendships just for the sake of having friends. But the few friends I have, I have been friends with for many years.

In relationships, I tend to not feel that close to people, with this one exception. As they said in Pride and Prejudice he "bewitched me, body and soul. I love you, I love you, I love you." My fear of losing him is precisely what pushed him away. I have never felt for anyone like that before or since.

After we broke up the first time, my heart was broken. I didn't eat for four days. I never recovered. Then he came back a year later, only to disappear suddenly. I found out through Facebook that he had gotten someone pregnant and was trying to make it work with her. Then three years later he comes back.

We talked for hours on end for a few months, but my desire for more once again pushed him away. Now he had vanished again and I am left to pick up the pieces.

So unbelievably tempted to reach out again, but I know it will just make me look even more pathetic than I already do. Three weeks, two days since my last attempt to reach out. So hard not to, but really, what is there left to even say?

I'm just curious, and I mean zero disrespect, but what makes him special? I'm not trying to get you to ditch him, but what did he offer you that makes you so attached? I can see that he is so, so important to you!

I of course don't fully know the nature of this friendship, so forgive me if I'm way off, but it kind of sounds like when a he enters into relationships, you kind of get pushed aside?

When he looks at me, I feel seen for the first time. When he is interested in me, he can't get enough and makes me feel special and important to him. He says things and does things that melts my core. No matter the day I have had, he can always make me laugh. And after three years away, he told me he thought about me constantly during that time and that I was the "one that got away". But if that were true, I don't understand how you just change your mind so quickly.

Is it just that I am so needy and awful with him that he remembers why he got rid of me in the first place?

Did he start seeing someone else and that is why he wants nothing to do with me? I don't understand.

And I feel so not at ease with no contact. Contacting him is on my mind constantly. But again, what is there left to be said?

Hi CopingMeadow, I have been in similar situations where I thought I expected too much from friends. This sounds romantic though, also. You know, I think, that you have needs emotionally, physically, etc. We all do. They are unique to us, and while you are saying you think you drove him away, perhaps it was just more...the wrong fit for him. AND you. He can't give you what you need, it sounds like. Don't be ashamed of your needs. Whatever they may be. It sounds like he is not the right person for you and you deserve a better friend and love interest. If you DO think you have a problem with being too clingy, maybe talking to a therapist can help. But I'm wondering also, if you are just being too hard on yourself. Have you ever read Attached? https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Scie.../dp/1585429139. It is a really good book and you might possibly see yourself in anxious attachment. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, you should embrace it.

That all being said, It might be a good idea if you started to mourn your loss and eventually find a way to move on from him. That could be very therapeutic. I don't like how he keeps coming into your life. And then leaving. You know what you can expect from him. It took me years to let go of someone where I no longer let them in my life anymore. I knew it wasn't what I needed. But I was addicted to him. When he was there, he was very there. When he wasn't, it hurt like hell. I finally said goodbye one day, after trying and trying to say good bye for years, and finally didn't look back. I wonder if not letting this guy back into your life would be a good thing. Hold on. I know it hurts now, but you're going to be ok.

You mention how you felt addicted to him. That is exactly how I feel. He is an incredibly addictive and potent drug, and the withdrawals are something horrible.

I would like to get to a place of acceptance so that I can begin to heal. I am in therapy again (fourth therapist in the last five years to try and help me move on from him). I want so much to WANT to get over him. Right now, I am not there. But I also don't want to spend my life devestated over his loss. I once told him he was the golden carrot I always chased but could never quite catch. I feel that way, very much so.

Not sure there is even a decision to make about allowing him back into my life. I may very well never hear from him again.

"Not sure there is even a decision to make about allowing him back into my life. I may very well never hear from him again.". This could be a very good thing. A blessing in disguise. Yes, I was addicted. I really hope therapy helps you. You know, maybe this is just part of your story. It sounds like you want to push it away. And not feel the way you feel. And also like you shouldn't feel this way. But that's inaccurate. You feel how you feel. It is a process coming out of it, and you are in the beginning stages.

Google "person addiction.". It came up with some good stuff. There's a psych central article that comes up too.

I wanted to tell you that self soothing can help too. Doing things that soothe your nervous system, like wrapping yourself Ina blanket and listening to your favorite music. Or taking a bubble bath. Something YOU enjoy. Also distracting yourself, when you're able, with enjoyable activities. Talking to others. Journaling. Posting here. These are things that helped me.

You deserve better then to be put through an emotional wringer every time he decides to vanish from and just drop back in to your life. It's also not fair to you. How trustworthy is this guy? My heart breaks for you. You don't need this pain and anguish. Add selfish and insensitive to the list of his attributes. He is causing you to suffer. You aren't doing anything wrong.

Please work with your therapist on getting some closure and moving on including blocking him from everything so there will be no contact. Give your time and attention to someone worthy of your affection. He's not worthy. Sending big hugs.

I am sorry you are struggling. He sounds like bad news really. He comes and goes without as much as saying good bye. It's rather mean. I'd start looking for ways to move on
And not allowing him back into your life. Hang in there

I have had a similar dynamic. I have analyzed it thoroughly. Closure came when we finally discussed the strange ghosting behavior. You’ll never get an honest answer from him. I changed my thoughts of him as to only a friend. Then he got closer.

You are whole without him. That confidence is intoxicating to the ghost. Perhaps they are narcissists.

I must admit that I too was asking, "In what way has this man enriched your life?"

How is it advantageous to you to wish him back? As the previous poster has suggested it seems that the time has come to grieve the loss of this relationship. Acknowledge it has completed it's cycle. Look for ways to begin to move on.

I hope that this process will get easier for you.

It may help to try and objectively look at your history together—there are the good times, but also a lot of heartbreak. Take care.

Hello, OP

It's really difficult to stay away from something that is addictive, and I'm not just talking about drugs or addictive substances. There is definitely some type of lure that this guy has, to make you crave his attention. In our brain, that's just being registered as a Dopamine effect, similar to falling in love for the first time.

For some odd reason, this guy triggers that effect in your brain.

Sounds really weird, but yeah, you're addicted to this person's attention.

I also wanted to add that, if you start viewing your relationship with this friend as an addiction, it might help you distance yourself a little bit, and be more objective about it.

Thank you for the recent comments. I haven't been on here lately...just trying to clear my muddy mind a bit. Doing okay I suppose. I have another appointment with my T tomorrow, so I am happy about that. I am making the decision to not spend the hour talking about him. He can have 5 minutes, but that is it. I hate how many countless hours I have spent talking about him in therapy.

It is time to find who I am...without him. It is devestating...absolutely devestating...to begin to think of things as completely over forever. To think that I will never have him again. But I suppose, if I am so easily dismissed, I never really had him to begin with.

I do not really have any desire to speak with him again. I wish I could talk to the guy he presented himself as...the one who made it impossible not to love. But I haven't seen him in quite some time. Time to stop wishing and hoping. He certainly isn't sitting around thinking about me.

Good for you for making this most healthy decision!! I've read through the thread here, and people have a lot of great insights and advice. You're moving on, and as you said, if you're so easily dismissed, you never really had him from the start.

Someone earlier on said that what he's done is cruel and I agree. When you care deeply about someone, you don't just drop them from your life like that, then come randomly back in again and again.

You deserve far better treatment than that. I am glad you are seeing that he is not worth your whole therapy session anymore. You are withdrawing, and I say that is the best decision you can make for yourself.

And yes, finding yourself again is very important. You can feel just as special all on your own. ((((((hugs))))))

Ugh, these feelings are so familiar. I find it best to focus on my life. In a "success is the best revenge" kind of way. It's still crappy when you loved someone unconditionally and were treated carelessly, but at least it can help you get some dopamine from something else.