Decide for me i can´t control myself and i want to cease existing please

There´s no rant forum on here but there should be……This is just a long stressed sad rant it´s
3AM here and i´m awake stressing about the silliest little problems but they are huge have you heard of the butterfly effect? They say every little choice you make can change the entire course of your life.

I´m terrified and scared and crying and tired because i was supposed to go to my friends party tomorrow and i promised people but i´m terrified of going i´m literally so scared of it i´m sick
I thought my social phobia was better but the thought of being in a strangers house with alcohol and strangers i don´t know is terrifying
But if i don´t go my life will be ****, i need to be social, successful, put myself out there, make connections, live, i won´t be young forever and i´m wasting my teens sitting in my bed watching netflix alone

I know i know i sound like a brat and yes this isn´t a real problem i ****ing hate myself why can´t i just be normal and ****ing go to a stupid birthday part like everyone else
I want to quit it all please God can i finally
I´m so terrified of going i know i´ll mess up
But if i stay home i´ll have a lonely sad evening like always plus the friend i promised will no longer be my friend and i´ll finally lose all of them, haven´t seen them in months and months anyways
If i was the perfect me i´d show up in a pretty outfit and act casual and experienced and have a glass of whatever it is they drink and talk to people and maybe dance a little
And my ex would text me and i´d be like ”i´m at a party” and he´d be jealous ad want me back but instead I´M A PATHETIC MOUSY GIRL WHO DOES NOTHING, WHO WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING. EVER. There is no point in trying anymore.

If i stay at home i´ll cry and be relieved i didn´t have to go but also hate myself for being so boring and weak.
I´ll try to make it nice though. I can take along bubble bath. Bring Hippo and a rubber duck and bubbles and pretend like i´ma kid again. And i´ll probably give in and text my ex how pathetic i am and he´ll be really sweet but he´ll want me less.

Someone please decide for me please please please i am not rational i make everything a big deal and i need someone to decide for me

Just do it! Go! You can always leave.

I thought of going and just leaving but what id di don+t find the door it´s a ridiculous fear i know also what if someone sees me leaving also the friend i´m going with does not know people there either really but id be too scared to tell her i´m leaving so she´s be left alone and have to go home in the dark or something yes i give up nothing i do will ever be good because i keep failing and i wish all parties were banned forever....... . .

Whatever. I´m not giving up, just taking a different route. Parties are trashy, and i want to appear like have class. Yes, my friends probably won´t be my friends anymore, but that´s okay. They´re all rather ugly, and i need to be surrounded with pretty friends anyways.
I´ll take a cozy bubble bath. I´ll have a nice dessert. I´ll be alone, because when you´re alone you´re strong. I´ll practice art instead of drinking cheap wine in some strangers house. I´ll become successful.
Taurus said he´d help me, too. With todays tasks. And when i feel sad later in the evening. Said he´d play with me and cuddle me. So i will be fine. Though i really am starting to, more and more, ponder upon ending my life so maybe my consciousness will take flight to the land of the green hills and i can spend an eternity there.

The decission not to go may be a good one. Trust your own judgment.

I ended up not going. When one of the girls holding the party announced that she´d "rather not people smoke weed at it" i decided not to go. I have hardly even had a beer in my life, and i can´t stand to be around drunk/extroverted loud people.
I ended up not even taking that bath or having a cozy evening. Instead i sprained my ankle. I should have gone and made Sir jealous.........

Sorry for my previous post btw, it was so dramatic and unreasonable. It was in the middle of the night and i was freaking out and this little decision felt like the whole world for some reason.

Hi, you sound much more relaxed now that it is over and the decision was kinda made for you. Put that ankle up and take care. Add this to your "experiences" and remember it for the next time you can't decide.

Hi Fluffy

Glad that you're feeling a bit better and sounds like you made the right decision for you
Kind of sounds like you made that decision with a basis of not trying to "fit in" with what you were worried other people's perceptions of you might be (if they matter they'll like you for you- going to a party or not!!), accepting who you are and what you want (and not going to a party like that does not have to effect how successful you are) and you let go of the control it seemed the ex had over the way you "felt you needed to be/show yourself!!!
So good on you for taking that stand, and real glad you did that for you!!!
As for the social phobia, well maybe be a little kinder to yourself in working on that??
Perhaps (if you aren't alredy!!) set yourself goals of doing social settings a little (or a lot!!) less "intense" than a party, if you think one/any may be a little too much for you?? Just do things at your pace, hey?? And what's right for you

Alison

Thank you! I probably came off a bit elitist like "i´m too classy to party" which is not what i meant, you can be very classy and nice and still party, obviously.
Told my ex i didn´t go to that party and he told me my friends were not my friends because they hadn´t spoken to me in months. He´s right, maybe i should try to make new friends......one step at a time.

I think your ex is right. Hope you'll be able to make new, better friends - no need to hurry though

Hi Fluffy

It's fine, you didn't at all come off like this:

"I probably came off a bit elitist like "i´m too classy to party" which is not what i meant.................."


And yes, not sure they sound like actual, true friends..........but I don't know whether it might be an option (depending on the type of people they are!!) to instead see them more as "people you know" meaning you could perhaps just do occassional things with them, just so you have the occassional social links which come from that.........and maybe the occassional "good time" with them??
And absolutely, looking to make better friends sounds like a real good plan, of course that might take some time and one step at a time..........but remember you're worth it

Alison

Thank you! I do view them as like just chill people i hang out with sometimes. We used to be very close, but drifted apart when everyone went to different high schools. I know i should challenge myself to ask my new school acquaintances to hang out sometime, just gotta gather the courage. They´re all super shy like me so no one takes much initiative.