Being a Failure

Today I was thinking about my life, and I couldn't help but think that I am a failure in everything. I am in my late 30s and have nothing going on in my life. No friends, no family, no job, no partner, no house, no car, no nothing. I went to grad school dreaming of a good life, but it was a waste of time and money. I regret it so much. All my peers seem happy with their wives and children. Most of them have progressed in their jobs to high ranks, while I am looking to start from the bottom now. I avoid talking to anyone to avoid the question "what are doing these days?". They would know I am just a big failure. This is one reason why I am off social media, and have no contact with extended family and people I know.

The hardest part of all of this is acceptance. I am not in peace with the wasted life. My mind is clouded. I am depressed and angry.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I am also in my late 30s and unmarried. I have accepted that my path in life is different from other people's. I think no one expects me to get married or have kids now.

But not having a job was tough for me, because I need structure to my day. If you can't work, can you volunteer or find something to fill the time?

I would accept if there is any path for me. I don't want to get married and have children. I have given up this idea long time ago. But I find my life meaningless. My life is not a path, but a stop. I feel I am waiting the train of death to come and board to be forgotten forever. I am where I was 3 years ago and I don't see anything changing soon. I don't think volunteer is a good idea for me now. I am very negative and angry and frustrated. All I do is just killing my time on the Internet on useless things.

Sorry you are feeling badly Background Noise. Would you be open to talking with a therapist?

Take a deep breath. Everyone is different. Many people completely change their lives in their 50s and 60s! You are still plenty young. Try to make goals and see if that helps. Hugs/

You're not a failure, Background Noise You're here and you're reaching out to us. That takes a lot of strength. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Avoid negative self-talk as much as you can. I agree with skiguy18 about setting some goals in your life. What would you like to do right now if you've had all the time and money in the world? And how can you achieve it? After you've decided that, try to divide it into several smaller goals. I hope it will work out for you. I also agree with HopefullyLost1211. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could find new ways to improve your self-esteem. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

The idea of spending years in grad school and not reaping the results is so depressing to me, or contributing more to my depression. I fell into deep depression and struggled to finish. Since then I have lost my self confidence and I think it reflects on how I write my resume and talk to recruiters. I know I have to accept the fact that I need to start from the bottom alongside young fresh graduates who are 14 years younger (and even below the bottom), but the negative-self talk drags me down every time I try, and the misery continues.

I'm so sorry, Background Noise Please don't give up. I know it's hard. Sending many hugs to you

Hi Background Noise,

I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I echo everything that MickeyCheeky said earlier. You are NOT a failure and your life is "not a stop". It's not just saying that either.

A couple of years ago I remember going through the same phase you are, after losing an intern and being walked on by the world. I was resentful of even those I loved the most. I still get pretty irritated by others, but after almost 2 years of counseling I have been able to identify toxic relationships and strive to keep them out of my life. This includes those quick to brag about their romance, career, etc. I have left Facebook and limited social media use for the exact same reason, so you have done the right thing in this area. All of this is a crucial step in defeating this nasty spiral called comparison.

Why am I saying this? Everyone is a unique collection of personality traits, gifts, and talents, and you are no exception. Maybe reconsidering your hobbies and passions and pursuing those to the best of your abilities can acknowledge your uniqueness, and remind you that you are not just another person.

Like I said, I'm still in the process of discovering who I am, and don't have all the answers, but I hope you bear in mind through this stage in life that you are your own unique person, and that you are valued here on PC.

Social media was a major source of depression for me, too. I was seeing all these happy people who are traveling and attending parties and social activities and take pictures together, while I am sitting home 24/7 doing nothing worth mentioning to anyone. But I also deleted my Facebook account because people (usually extended family members) used the Messenger to strike a talk with me, which I hate, because then I have to say what I am doing if they asked. I also have nothing to share on Facebook.

I don't have any kind of relationship with anyone for any of them to be toxic really. I feel very depressed these days, and the winter makes it worse because I don't go out at all. I wish I had a passion or interest of any kind. It would have kept me active mentally with some positive energy to do other stuff.

Probably I need to keep things to myself. Talking about how I feel makes me feel worse sometimes. I don't need that now. I already have more than enough bad feelings to deal with. I need to distinguish between acknowledging my feeling, and letting them control me. When I write how I feel, I feel I give them more power over me. That's one reason why I don't write journals, maybe. Because I try to crystallize/remember in details what pains me to put in writing, and this makes me feel worse

Wow I understand the pain that you feel and I am sorry that you are so down in the dumps. I think you provided another excellent reason on why Facebook, and social media for that matter, is a waste of time.

If you don't have any toxic relationships at the moment, good for you! But another way to re-evaluate prevailing toxicity is to look at your past and identify past negative influences or trauma and do anything in your power to dissociate from these experiences/people. If this is something you can relate to, may you always remember that you are not the same person as who you were, say 5-10 years ago to even yesterday. Even if you made mistakes that you currently regret now, making mistakes is part of human nature. I still have hope that you can re-discover yourself and you are not too late for anything, whether be it a new job, passion, etc. Don't give up! I believe in you.

If you are hurt from your past, sorry I didn't see your most recent post due to my computer acting up. But if it also helps to dissociate from your past or any source of painful feelings, I support you. This is also a strategy I sometimes use when I can't think clearly or believe there is nothing else I can do to solve a problem.

I have abusive parents who have abused me constantly, especially as a child. I cannot simply cut ties with them, and walk away, although I have entertained the idea several times. Currently, I don't live with them, but they are in my life, and that sometimes triggers some past memories of how they physically and emotionally abused me. This feeling drains me. I must let go and move on. I am trying my best.

Thank you so much for sharing. That is absolutely terrible. No child should ever deserve that kind of treatment, even if it was just on one occasion. It is very understandable where that negative energy originates. When I have experienced emotional abuse by fake friends, the one thing that was extremely beneficial for me was to set boundaries.

When someone intrudes on me if I currently have an obligation, I tell them to chat with me later. When someone hits me or raises their voice out of a loss of temper, I speak up to remind them that behavior is never ever tolerated. Boundaries also encompass that you are your own person with your own personality, beliefs, and worldviews, not someone else's. The list goes on about what boundaries you can set in your life.

The hardest, yet most important boundary I have set is to not allow myself to be around people who repeatedly violate these personal boundaries or those who continually make me feel uncomfortable. And to be completely frank, I think this would also be the only viable option for you and your safety. My one concern is your safety and protection from toxic influences. Since you do not live with your parents and they are still emotionally dominating you even when they are not around, you will have to remove them from your life to move forward and finally live the life you desire.

As I have said, you are a unique person and have every right to distance yourself from the people who stifle you from living a full life. Cut off communication with your parents, set boundaries with them, whatever it takes to remove their control once and for all. I just hate to see you continue to suffer. You're family here on PC, and you are valued!

I'm so sorry, Background Noise I agree with DazedandConfused254. You need to stay away from toxic people in your life, even if those people are your parents. It's painful, I know, but you need to take care of yourself as well. We don't need toxic people in our lives, especially if things are already difficult. Please don't give up. I know things seem pretty hard right now, but trust me when I say that they can get better. Take it one step at the time. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Take baby steps. You're in my thougths and prayers. Remember that I'm here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Sending many hugs to you

I am sorry that you are feeling defeated in so many ways. I have certainly felt the way that you are feeling and I can say from experience that it was very damaging to my outlook on life, caused depression, and weakened overall personal morale in general.

One thing that I will recommend, that may be beneficial to you and that has greatly helped me, is to try not to lean on parallel comparisons. The more I did this, the worse that I felt. It accomplished nothing except to make my depression and overall personal engagement worse off.

Instead, try to understand that the others that you are comparing yourself to may have crippling life circumstances that they don't advertise.

I hope some of this was helpful. I have a lot of sympathy for you and the situation that you are in. Good luck!

I know what it feels like to feel regret over all your decisions. At the end of the day you simply cannot change it though. At times I try to think of the alternate paths I could have taken and how that may or may not have been any better. Sometimes the lowest times in life have led to some amazing blessings that I never saw coming. Hang in there and I hope life brings some new changes, opportunities and blessings for you. You just never know.

I am trying to reduce the interactions with my parents to minimal, but I don't want to cut ties because I don't think I can live with the feeling of guilt and regret the rest of my life. I think sometimes that they are humans and have their own weaknesses and probably did their best and didn't know better. I am trying to deal with my feelings and emotions and past memories in a more positive way to live my life instead of dwelling in the past.

Comparing myself with others makes me feel old and late. It makes me feel I have wasted the last 15 years of my life. I made mistakes, and I regret them, but I cannot change the past. Now I need to accept the facts, and move on.

Whathever you think it's the best thing for you, Background Noise. We'll always be here to support you. Sending many hugs to you

Can I just give you a little thought here? Marriage is not all it is cracked up to be. Don't base your life on never having done it. I wish, quite often, that I had not. Not trying to be depressing, just honest.

I feel this way too— especially if I compare myself to my siblings. I’m 61. No husband. No home. A job I hate.
Here’s the thing: I knew what I wanted at 21 and I still want it. I got sidelined and my reasons were good. But I know I should have stayed on the path. I make mini goals for the day. Today’s was to find a connection here. The big one is to finish that damn book. I’m afraid that’s a failure too. It’s funny because it can’t be a failure if it’s not finished. So I will write one sentence tonight.

My mini goals are to wake up, wash the dishes, cook and eat, watch videos, apply for jobs, go to sleep and repeat. This is my life these days. I am trying to get out of this repetitive and boring cycle of life. I am hoping a job will do it, but nothing appears on the horizon so far

You are still very young. When I read your post about being old on that other sub-forum, I thought you were twice the age that is - I know now - your actual age. What can you do now to stop regretting what you did or did not do in the past and start protecting that future you, the BN-who-will-be-80-years-old, from regretting that he did nothing of value and nothing enjoyable during his prime years?

You also should realize that some people create a social network facade for themselves that does not reflect the true state of affairs and true station of their inner lives either.

Can you volunteer on this site - e.g. helping teens who are struggling?