[TishaBuv]

No therapist nor I have figured out what is really wrong with me. The bottom line is, it’s emotional.

While I do meet some criteria for many diagnoses (they overlap!), I do not meet all criteria. Those traits I do have that are fairly mild as stated on the criteria list.

The ‘toxic’ behavior I am doing has been very specific and the only thing that has given me this severe anxiety and depression. I am not alone in this behavior, I have an angry and sad reaction to my husband’s actions and lack of actions that make me feel neglected and mismatched.

Yes, there have been some fallouts with close ‘loving’ others, but those situations have resolved and I accept them. I think I handled them the best I could and those people’s behavior were outrageous (not mine!).

Otherwise, I’m pretty lazy and allowed to be. I barely work or leave the house because I have the luxury of being able to spend very little, so I need to do very little. I always take care of my family and home. I care for my very difficult mother to an acceptable degree at this stage where I have to keep a safe distance while still keeping a bit close.

I have a few good friends and we get along great. No issues there.

So I don’t know what’s really wrong with me, and a psychiatrist I now go to gave me serious psych meds (for anxiety and depression). They really aren’t helping much as I had a bad reaction to husband’s usual way last night and again this morning. But, they may help in that I don’t get very angry and I only cry for a short while.

I’m mortified that I cry nearly every day. I hide it from others, but husband knows, and he has always continued to do what I have asked him thousands of times not to do.

[unaluna]

Have you tried doing like Julia Cameron's book "The Artist's Way"? It was a big thing back in the 80s or 90s.

Also, something that i have realized for myself - i have cut myself a LOT of slack in the past. I personally need to be more honorable. Esp now with the pandemic. And now that i dont have my parents harassing me. Or work. I need to step up. Or maybe that comes with being able to do better BECAUSE im not being harassed. Idk. Chicken or the egg. I have made some hard choices about not being a doormat.

[AzulOscuro]

I’d like to be able to tell you something but I’m also living a hard situation.
Here the same, medication can help with the symptoms and you know perceive things with better eyes and get out a little of the depression but therapy is the only one that may makes a difference and also make decisions.
Are you living with your husband?

I know you wouldn’t ever say a bad word about him, so, you don’t have to be explicit in the thread.

I know sometimes relationships doesn’t work and noone has to be blamed, simple as that.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Have you tried doing like Julia Cameron's book "The Artist's Way"? It was a big thing back in the 80s or 90s.

Also, something that i have realized for myself - i have cut myself a LOT of slack in the past. I personally need to be more honorable. Esp now with the pandemic. And now that i dont have my parents harassing me. Or work. I need to step up. Or maybe that comes with being able to do better BECAUSE im not being harassed. Idk. Chicken or the egg. I have made some hard choices about not being a doormat.

I’d like to help in a more useful way than just sitting home. Any ideas how?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I’d like to be able to tell you something but I’m also living a hard situation.
Here the same, medication can help with the symptoms and you know perceive things with better eyes and get out a little of the depression but therapy is the only one that may makes a difference and also make decisions.
Are you living with your husband?

I know you wouldn’t ever say a bad word about him, so, you don’t have to be explicit in the thread.

I know sometimes relationships doesn’t work and noone has to be blamed, simple as that.

We’ve been married over 25 years and do live together now. We nearly got divorced two years ago, and have been back and forth apart a few times. It’s all been over this one issue.

I did say plenty of negative things about him a while ago on here in older posts. I wanted clarity and needed to vent. I’m sorry I did. I’m sorry to complain at all. Maybe that’s my whole problem.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

We’ve been married over 25 years and do live together now. We nearly got divorced two years ago, and have been back and forth apart a few times. It’s all been over this one issue.

I did say plenty of negative things about him a while ago on here in older posts. I wanted clarity and needed to vent. I’m sorry I did. I’m sorry to complain at all. Maybe that’s my whole problem.

Well, maybe you need to complain. I know it’s not your nature but you need to do it now.
He seems that he doesn’t understand your needs. Maybe, he is not very good at communication. The same as my partner.
I guess you have tried everything, right?

[AzulOscuro]

You think your problem is that you complain? If someone is stepping on my toes, I complain.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

You think your problem is that you complain? If someone is stepping on my toes, I complain.

Thank you so much for understanding! If you tried to get through to someone thousands of times, and they just don’t understand you, you’d bang your own head in the wall, too!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’d like to help in a more useful way than just sitting home. Any ideas how?

Yeah thats what im thinking! I just tweeted something brilliant, i was hoping that would be my contribution to society.

[AzulOscuro]

lol! I’m figuring you go up the walls right now.
I like to be positive and understand why other people sometimes behave as assholes, as I may behave also but I know sometimes it’s like hitting against a wall.
Maybe, you already let the thing as a lost cause, I’m beginning to do it myself with my own...you know.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah thats what im thinking! I just tweeted something brilliant, i was hoping that would be my contribution to society.

Your contribution to society is already done because of your own self. Don’t doubt it.

[MsLady]

Have you thought about doing genetic testing for possible mutated genes?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MsLady

Have you thought about doing genetic testing for possible mutated genes?

I did genetic testing several years ago due to family history with other issues. I wonder if there is information on those results that would shed some light. Thanks!

[TunedOut]

I think you realize most of your issues because you have been self reflecting for so long. One of your issues (and perhaps your husband's?) might be rejection issues (self love and acceptance) that operate in our subconscious. I am sorry about your sadness. Sometimes I get OCD thoughts about things that aren't even the real root of my problems. (My medication does help me with this and when I recognize that sort of thing rearing up in my behavior, I do take it for that plus I ask for help with it through prayer.) Do you think that you rethink about things that bother you to a greater extent than warranted.? When I do this, this issue is either rejection or anxiety (fear, lack of security) and the OCD is a coping mechanism for trying to control things that are not in my control. As far as wanting to make a contribution goes, maybe you have to heal this and how you feel about your husband first. Also, during these strange times, it is hard to know what "cause" to adopt. Perhaps these times call for patience and flexibility. Things we were able to do two months ago are now unavailable. Lately, I have slowly (one or two things at a time so I don't hoard) been stock my pantry just in case food is needed later. I am trying to just wait and see what new world emerges on the other side of this.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

I think you realize most of your issues because you have been self reflecting for so long. One of your issues (and perhaps your husband's?) might be rejection issues (self love and acceptance) that operate in our subconscious. I am sorry about your sadness. Sometimes I get OCD thoughts about things that aren't even the real root of my problems. (My medication does help me with this and when I recognize that sort of thing rearing up in my behavior, I do take it for that plus I ask for help with it through prayer.) Do you think that you rethink about things that bother you to a greater extent than warranted.? When I do this, this issue is either rejection or anxiety (fear, lack of security) and the OCD is a coping mechanism for trying to control things that are not in my control. As far as wanting to make a contribution goes, maybe you have to heal this and how you feel about your husband first. Also, during these strange times, it is hard to know what "cause" to adopt. Perhaps these times call for patience and flexibility. Things we were able to do two months ago are now unavailable. Lately, I have slowly (one or two things at a time so I don't hoard) been stock my pantry just in case food is needed later. I am trying to just wait and see what new world emerges on the other side of this.

Yes, we just went and bought some meat as they say there’s going to be a shortage. We have a dozen rolls of TP and have never again seen any in the stores. We are using it sparingly. “Can you spare a square?” Lol. I think some people really have none. Are they rinsing off with their hoses? We’ve been very blessed to be able to buy groceries and haven’t had to line up with the car for hours for a box of food. But I do worry about what may happen.

I have reflected on everything for a long time. I do have disorder traits. My husband and I aren’t going to fix this issue because it’s gone on way too long. You’re right. It’s a feeling of rejection. It’’s a feeling of zero chemistry and I feel he acts like he’s doing me a favor, instead how I want him to act like he really desires and LIKES me.

Of course, after the hateful things I said to him, I don’t blame him for not liking me. I screwed this whole marriage up. I wish I could stop and just be what he wants me to be (to go along with him), but I am just too triggered about it. So now my best bet is to try to shut my mouth and distract myself.

That’s why I post here a lot...nerves, distraction.

Do I think I obsess more than is warranted? No, I don’t. The things that happened are hugely traumatic and I need to keep thinking about them from all different angles. That is my way to try to move forward.

I was able to just act like my son’s wedding nightmare didn’t happen and we casually talk to him. Of course, we’ll never forget how he cut us straight through the heart. Who could?

I realize my sister has worse emotional issues than I do by the way she acted toward me, never contacting me again and writing me off like that. So I just excuse her and try to feel sorry for her. Still, we don’t talk beyond a facebook birthday post.

To obsess about my husband, who has this ongoing issue with me all the time, and it’s never going to stop nor end. Well, who could stop thinking about a trauma that never stops?

And I don’t think all these meds are working either. I have another appointment in three months.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling.

Personally I believe and thats pretty much my mantra that you cannot change other people. Well yeah like compromise here and there but nothing major. So you either leave or you exercise radical acceptance and don’t agonize over it.

It also helps to have clear deal breakers.

My husband leaves crumbs on a couch, he tries not to but he is clumsy. We watched very intense show last night and were eating cookies and weren’t really paying attention to how we were eating, well my side of the couch is still clean and his is full of crumbs. Annoying? Sure. But not a deal breaker. No biggie. We laugh about it.

But if my husband lit a joint or got wasted or raised his voice at me, id leave him because those are deal breakers among few others. If it’s not deal breaker, then no reason to agonize over it.

It also helps me to put things into perspective. I once was agonizing about some boyfriend and my no nonsense grandma had news on tv, she yelled at me to look at starving people in Somalia, it was really bad and she asked if that’s my life. Of course it wasn’t. I can’t say that putting things in perspective always work, but it could help in some circumstances.

But of course it could be that agonizing over same issue over and over could be due to legitimate diagnosis. OCD? My husband has pretty bad Tourettes accompanied by severe OCD. Not a bogus diagnosis. He was diagnosed at age 20 and rediagnosed several times since. He has to be on meds to function but it’s a low dose. He is afraid that higher dose would make it hard for him to maintain challenging career. So he lives with it. But there are times when he must have whatever is that he needs (typically stuff related to safety), otherwise his Tourettes is through the roof and he feels too unsafe to even leave the house. Then it goes back to normal

If you just cannot let go on that issue you have with your husband, maybe you have OCD?

As about contributing to society during pandemics without leaving the house, well you can take classes online and then use them for something when pandemics are over. There are ton of free classes now too. Not for a degree but you can learn stuff. Check edX website, Harvard offers free classes etc

You can get a job but unless it’s online, it wouldn’t be safe. But some places hire online. My daughter just got a new job simply because it pays better than her previous one and she never had to go to the office at all and won’t go until pandemics are out. They mailed her laptop to her.

Or you can just contribute to society by helping your kids to be successful, which you do anyways. You gave the world three successful kids so you contributed plenty!

Sometimes we just got to live our lives and not worry about contributing.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry you are struggling.

Personally I believe and thats pretty much my mantra that you cannot change other people. Well yeah like compromise here and there but nothing major. So you either leave or you exercise radical acceptance and don’t agonize over it.

It also helps to have clear deal breakers.

My husband leaves crumbs on a couch, he tries not to but he is clumsy. We watched very intense show last night and were eating cookies and weren’t really paying attention to how we were eating, well my side of the couch is still clean and his is full of crumbs. Annoying? Sure. But not a deal breaker. No biggie. We laugh about it.

But if my husband lit a joint or got wasted or raised his voice at me, id leave him because those are deal breakers among few others. If it’s not deal breaker, then no reason to agonize over it.

It also helps me to put things into perspective. I once was agonizing about some boyfriend and my no nonsense grandma had news on tv, she yelled at me to look at starving people in Somalia, it was really bad and she asked if that’s my life. Of course it wasn’t. I can’t say that putting things in perspective always work, but it could help in some circumstances.

But of course it could be that agonizing over same issue over and over could be due to legitimate diagnosis. OCD? My husband has pretty bad Tourettes accompanied by severe OCD. Not a bogus diagnosis. He was diagnosed at age 20 and rediagnosed several times since. He has to be on meds to function but it’s a low dose. He is afraid that higher dose would make it hard for him to maintain challenging career. So he lives with it. But there are times when he must have whatever is that he needs (typically stuff related to safety), otherwise his Tourettes is through the roof and he feels too unsafe to even leave the house. Then it goes back to normal

If you just cannot let go on that issue you have with your husband, maybe you have OCD?

As about contributing to society during pandemics without leaving the house, well you can take classes online and then use them for something when pandemics are over. There are ton of free classes now too. Not for a degree but you can learn stuff. Check edX website, Harvard offers free classes etc

You can get a job but unless it’s online, it wouldn’t be safe. But some places hire online. My daughter just got a new job simply because it pays better than her previous one and she never had to go to the office at all and won’t go until pandemics are out. They mailed her laptop to her.

Or you can just contribute to society by helping your kids to be successful, which you do anyways. You gave the world three successful kids so you contributed plenty!

Sometimes we just got to live our lives and not worry about contributing.

When I was dating I had no problem with breaking up due to deal breakers. Mostly the deal breaker was I simply wasn’t really attracted to them. My sister once broke up with a guy because she didn’t like his toes!

I started thinking about ending the marriage fairly early on because this problem became an issue, but I didn’t end it. We already had two kids. The good far outweighs the bad. A shameful feeling of guilt gets put upon me too (by myself and others) about how good I have it and should be damn grateful.

We got in a routine of putting a band aid on it, then the discord starts over again. It as been like this for 20 years!

Maybe it simply is that I have a disorder which makes it too difficult for me to just go with the flow. Is it a push/pull of BPD? But I have been so consistent in expressing and explaining my needs, and they are not unreasonable, that there has to be something wrong with him for not just giving me what I need.

I hate that I have this, that we have this, that it has been my whole married life now, that it still happens, that I can’t stop it.

I was hoping the meds would work, but they don’t, and I’m popping more than I should and so is he! I think it’s a messed up co-dependent relationship.

I actually am taking a course online, but since starting these new meds, I can’t concentrate.

I’m really proud of my son who is having a virtual college graduation ceremony right now. It’s so bizarre how they are conducting it. I’m hoping they announce all the graduates’ names! I am proud of having had children and love them all very much. If that was my only purpose, that’s fine with me.

[divine1966]

If you have no intentions to leave, then maybe the only way to manage it is just to accept the reality. He might not be able to give you what you want. We can’t always provide what others want.

Well when I said deal breakers I meant something more complex than lack of attraction. I assume you wouldn’t even date someone if you aren’t attracted.

You can still have a career or just a job. After pandemics. Never too late. It would get you out of the house and would force you to stop thinking about your husband. Even if you had perfect marriage, if you spend too much time thinking about it you will find something undesirable. Or maybe if you work all day you’d be too tired and overwhelmed physically and mentally to desire what is that he isn’t giving you. Therapist I used to see told me that too much idle time is bad for emotional health. I tend to agree

If you do have BPD, it is definitely creating additional challenge and it might be just it.. But you said you don’t have it

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If you have no intentions to leave, then maybe the only way to manage it is just to accept the reality. He might not be able to give you what you want. We can’t always provide what others want.

Well when I said deal breakers I meant something more complex than lack of attraction. I assume you wouldn’t even date someone if you aren’t attracted.
I did! I went on a lot of dates. I gave the guys a chance to see if I liked their personalities and maybe the attraction would grow.

You can still have a career or just a job.
I do have a career where I can work or not. If I can get my act together it is something I can do, but I will have to do with him. He retired and wants to be with me all the time. When we are getting along, that’s great with me. He could be an asset to my job. Praying I can get it together.After pandemics. Never too late. It would get you out of the house and would force you to stop thinking about your husband. Even if you had perfect marriage, if you spend too much time thinking about it you will find something undesirable. Or maybe if you work all day you’d be too tired and overwhelmed physically and mentally to desire what is that he isn’t giving you. Therapist I used to see told me that too much idle time is bad for emotional health. I tend to agree You are right about that. I have had too much time on my hands. But that still won’t solve the bedroom issue. I’ll just have to retrain my thinking and maybe the meds will start to help more with the anxiety and depression.

If you do have BPD, it is definitely creating additional challenge and it might be just it.. But you said you don’t have it

I’ve had different diagnoses and it’s all confusing and upsetting. I do not have across the board behavior that would be a diagnosis. I am only triggered by this one issue. Well, aside from recent fallout with some of my other family members, but that resolved.

[divine1966]

Well clearly your bedroom issue isn’t going to be resolved as you've been struggling with it for too many years. Honestly you have to find other outlets for whatever is that you want in the bedroom. He obviously can’t give it to you the way you want it. It’s not as simple as him refusing to wash dishes. Sexual incompatibility might also be due to being in different place in life? Age wise? Hormones wise? Difference in libido? That’s not uncommon

If you are compatible in all other areas and want to stay married, then I’d find ways to deal with it. Lots of people aren’t 100% compatible in all areas.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well clearly your bedroom issue isn’t going to be resolved as you've been struggling with it for too many years. Honestly you have to find other outlets for whatever is that you want in the bedroom. He obviously can’t give it to you the way you want it. It’s not as simple as him refusing to wash dishes. Sexual incompatibility might also be due to being in different place in life? Age wise? Hormones wise? Difference in libido? That’s not uncommon

If you are compatible in all other areas and want to stay married, then I’d find ways to deal with it. Lots of people aren’t 100% compatible in all areas.

The psy says I have brain damage from prolonged trauma. Hopefully the meds will ‘rebuild the engine’ (as he says). I never met anyone else on here with my issue. And, I agree, no way would I dare to walk into yet another therapist’s office to discuss this issue that has endured 20 years.

My reactions have been less severe since these meds. I am optimistic.

Of course I can keep busy with other things, but there will always be the sex issue. I am trying so hard to change my attitude and think it’s all great, precious, a blessing, enjoy the time we have left. Now if I can just stop having panic attacks...

[divine1966]

Do you want more sex or some kind of particular sex or just more affection in general? I wonder if desire for it is diminishing with menopause approaching? My interest in it totally diminished as I hit menopause. My gyn said it’s typical and normal. Affection remains very important to me though.

So maybe you’d have your priorities shifted with age

I feel bad you are suffering. I should shut up. I am practical and I think practical advice is no help here. Sorry. I want you to be content

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you want more sex or some kind of particular sex or just more affection in general? I wonder if desire for it is diminishing with menopause approaching? My interest in it totally diminished as I hit menopause. My gyn said it’s typical and normal. Affection remains very important to me though.

So maybe you’d have your priorities shifted with age

I feel bad you are suffering. I should shut up. I am practical and I think practical advice is no help here. Sorry. I want you to be content

It’s okay. I appreciate your input.

We never formed an adequate sexual relationship together and it’s been a nightmare. But, otherwise we are very good together. The whole thing is dysfunctional and stupid. No amount of my communication changed anything, so the dynamic became a well-oiled machine.

At this point I am focused on trying to lesson the depression over it.

I am post menopausal and am not even sure about sex drive at this point. The whole thing is so stressful and confusing. It’s mostly about control and how two people treat each other. It’s about chemistry I suppose.

It shouldn’t be as important, but it totally destroyed me because we can’t get it right. The frustration is maddening.

If he just shows me a little relaxed affection, I’m a new person. My mood is dependent on how he treats me! I know how toxic that is.

I had another incident last night and this morning with an anxiety attack, and it was of a lesser degree due to the meds. So, I’m trusting in this new doctor for now.

Thanks again for your help, everyone.

[Breaking Dawn]

I'm always wishing & hoping the very best for you, TishaBuv! Because you are such an enjoyable person to know, fun personality, cute sense of humor, down to earth, more wise than you acknowledge, etc. So the way things are for you feels sad to me. I'm so glad, though, that you at least got your son back. I hope that's right. Hugs & love to you!

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

I'm always wishing & hoping the very best for you, TishaBuv! Because you are such an enjoyable person to know, fun personality, cute sense of humor, down to earth, more wise than you acknowledge, etc. So the way things are for you feels sad to me. I'm so glad, though, that you at least got your son back. I hope that's right. Hugs & love to you!

I agree.