Where's the bottom of this pit?

I don't usually post about my own crap because it would be like listening to the same song over and over again since I cycle like the wind. But why not just this once? I guess it's obvious that my whole world came crashing down around me. I knew the high wouldn't last. I just freakin knew it. Now all those changes I want to make in my life seem impossible now. They're not but I can't think about them right now cause it makes me feel even more helpless and hopeless. Where did my sunshine go? Who stole it cause i want it back right now. I know this will pass, but it never seems to come soon enough. I'm trying so hard not to fight it cause that only makes it worse for me. I guess that I should start with my ferrets. I can't care for them any more. I haven't been able to in weeks. They deserve a home where they get the constant attention they deserve... not just when I feel I can. Their cage needs to be cleaned. Their nails need to be clipped. They all need baths. I've been trying to get it done for days now but no matter what mood I'm in, I just can't get it done cause I'm either too high in the clouds to focus on it or too far down to do anything about it. I don't have any friends to help me with them and it's not fair to them to leave them at the shelter until I'm "better" because that's never gonna happen. I'll take them back and be ok for a while... maybe even a few months but then I'll slip again. They deserve a stable home and at this point I can't give them that. I see their furry little faces staring at me from inside their cage. They're all so sad right now. They look at me as if they'd give anything to understand but just can't. I can't let them live this way. I was already down when I came to this conclusion and the truth certainly doesn't help. And I've also found out that my ex has moved on. Yep... she's moved on. Found out this morning. She SOOOO wasn't trying to hurt me and I could tell that she felt HORRIBLE in telling me, but she felt that I deserved to know the truth. And I guess after 3 months I should have expected this. But with her living here with me, it makes it kinda hard to move on. And besides, I'm alone here and I have no one to move on with so what's the point in even trying... especially since I'm moving back home? I should be happy for her because she deserves to be happy but it just hurts all that much more. I told her that I thought it was time for her to leave. She really wants to stay with me and make sure I'm safe until I can get home. She doesn't think I'll make it until then if I'm completely alone. How can I let her do that? I mean, she's only thinking of me because she still cares about me as a friend, but maybe she's just offering because she feels guilty about moving on before I did. Either way, it sucks. The thing is as much as it hurts, I don't think I'll make it that long alone either. So maybe I just have to take what I can get... but which would be worse? I just don't know. I hate myself and the mess I've created. I'm in so much pain that I want to lash out at anything and everything... I wanna tear down the walls. I've ruined everything so far... why not ruin everything else? I hope this passes soon because it's pure torture. Why did these things have to happen while I was already down? I thought I was at the bottom but I was so wrong. I should have known that there's never a bottom. It can always get worse... just like it can always get better. Where's my strength right now? Where's that will to not give up? I feel like shutting myself away from the world right now. Like hiding for the rest of my life.

Ry

We're here for you sweetie, your never alone

Oh Ry, I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to be where you are cuz I'm in the same place, seems I always am but mine seems to be getting worse by the day.

First, about your ferrets. Here's my thoughts and advice. I can totally relate to what you're going through. I have 2 cats. I've been in that same place several times. Its something I struggle with all the time, cleaning the litter, etc. But thruth is I love them and they love me, same with you and your ferrets. Now is not the right time for you to make this big decision. I think you need to keep them. They bring you a lot of pleasure when you're able to reach out to them. Do they deserve better? About as much better as my cats do. I think you'd be making a horrible mistake, I know I would. Ask your x-fg to help you. I know you don't want to do that but maybe even for this one time right now, to clean their cage, clip their nails and bathe them. Then see if you find it a little easier. I say that knowing that I repeatedly go through the same thing over and over but truth be told, I'd completely fall apart without my kitties. I fear you would do the same thing if you got rid of your ferrets. I don't want to see that happen to you. Also, I know that without my 2 kitties, I would probably not be here today. Everytime I get to the point of acting on my ideation I look at their faces and I can't go through with it. Do you feel that way too Ry? They will keep you going. You love them, I know you do. Please keep trying with them. I know how you feel about them deserving better, oh do I. If anybody can understand that one, I CAN!!!

You also don't want to demolish your home. I know you feel like doing it but when you rise from this pit and we both know you will, you'll only regret the damage you will have caused. You don't need that Ry. You know you don't. Please resist that tremendous urge to do it.

OK, now about your x-fg, btw, I didn't address these issues in any kind of priority of importance. I'm really sorry that she has moved on. I know how much that must've hurt you. I know that there was still some hope in you that things would improve even though you also felt it would never happen. You must be devastated to know it's final now. Hugs sweet Ryan, hugs. I wish I could be there to hold you in person. I know you also know it's for the best, since you're moving back to Texas, and since you are, it is for the best but also that doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm so sorry that your heart is breaking all over again. I wish I could fix it but you know only time and lots of it and of course a change in cycle will help with that.

Also, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE have her stay with you. This is NOT the right time, while you reside in the pit with sj and me, to make such a rash decision to have her move out. This is not the right time to make ANY life-altering decisions. You could regret them later when your cycle improves. You've stated that she thinks you wouldn't make it if she left and that you agree with her. If for no other reason, choose that one for her to stay. Ry, you need to hang on sweetie, to all that you can to carry you through until your move. Then you will have others, family, friends that will help hold you up. Right now please take the help that is offered to you from whatever source it is. I know it's going to hurt seeing her all the time knowing that she has moved on but I'm thinking of your life here Ry. I want to see you live, if even not in an emotional way while you're in the pits, but in a flesh and blood, physical way. I know how hard it will be for you, I can't imagine it myself but I'm desperate for you to find some help to stay with us. Also know that you are abundantly loved right here on this site. Look at how many threads there are even currently with undying love being expressed to you. You have to hold onto that love Ry, hold onto anything and everything that is going to help pull you through all this and each and every time that the pendulum swings in this direction. Ry, if you don't make it, how will I? I'm in the pits too, barely hanging on, with no hope for my future. You have hope for your future. Yes, it's hard to focus on that now and to even see the possibility in it. The damn BP is clouding things for you. You DO have a future, a very promising future. You need to hang on with every ounce of strength and courage that you can find. You have to make your dreams come true and they will.

You have a wonderful future just waiting for you. Don't give up before you have a chance to realize it. You deserve what your working towards and it's all out there waiting for the right time for you in October. Don't give up before that. HANG ON TIGHT!!! We will all be here for you, *I* will be here for you. If you need me to be there all night again, I will gladly do that. I don't mind at all, just say the word Ry, and I'll sit up with you all night like we did the last time you were in the pits. I will help talk you through things and comfort you like I did the last time. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't hesitate to call on me. I'm always here for you. You're a very warm, wonderful, caring, loving person and you don't deserve all that you're going through right now. You deserve the world and the world is waiting for you. You just have to ride this low tide now and then reach out and grab it. It'll still be there when the timing is right for you. It won't go anywhere. Your dreams will come true, THEY WILL!!!

Promise me Ry, you'll take help from wherever it is offered and that you will find enough will, strength and determination to make it through these hard times to get to the prize that awaits you. I know how hard it is, you know I know. I wish I had something to fight for, I don't, but Ry, you do. You have a whole new life and wonderful future waiting for you. It's going to bring you everything you want and need. I know the pendulum will find you in this dark place again, I'm being realistic but you will physically and emotionally be in a better place, surrounded by those that love and care for you deeply IRL. Hang on Ry, don't let me down, don't let anybody here down, don't let yourself down. You can do this Ry. FIGHT!!!

MEGA HUGS RY. I WISH THEY WERE IRL. ((((((((( rY ))))))))))

(((((((((((Ry))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hate to sound like an provincial quote philospher: BUT, you know me by now........I cannot help myself

First of all, sorry to hear about the "Ex" situation; yeah, you're never quite ready for anything like that. When the "ex" moves on before you do; it can feel like someone put your heart through a paper-shredder Ry, I seen your posts..you've got a level head (quit laughing!) when it comes to "Processing" You will get through it, but right now is a time to allow yourself to "grieve"
A relation of love is a deep-seated emotional committment. It's from the ...........and w/ the other things you have going on, I'd say Let er rip!

I can relate to your ferrets (sp?) It's obvious...they're your "children"!!! Passing them along elsewhere is like the new mother signing her new-born child to an adoption agency!
Ry, another time to let er rip!

It's not like I'm a 94 year old sage (like my godfather/gradfather) BUT, I DO know that through your entire life....your "sunshine" will be blocked by BIG black clouds & you'll feel like you're in a "sink-hole"

Ry....it'll come back, I promise! In the meanwhile......sounds like you need some good ole' "get out the big box of Kleenex" and do some grief processing!

(((((((Hugs***if allowed***DayZee)))))))))))))))))))))

Okey Dokey, Ryan.....we're gonna start simple cause that's how I always have to do it. Google "ferret rescue" and find a place near you for the ferrets. I've rescued a lot of greyhounds and rescue people have really big hearts...they will probably even pick them up....don't worry how far they are from them........call.....okay??
Now for you....I'm so sorry for your breakup and the subsequent things that have befallen you.....I would fix it if I could..but I can't. However, my shoulder is broad and my heart and brain work, so I'm here for you. When are you moving back to Texas? Soon???? I do not think that you've "ruined" everything. It's easy to feel that way when we're depressed. But usually just oh, so wrong!! Have you ever been to a co-dependents anonymous meeting? I found them quite helpful when I needed to pull myself up by the bootstraps. The approach isn't quite as hardcore as the addiction meetings are.. Please let me know what you're doing and how you feel. xoxoxo Pat

Hi Ryan --

Did you rush into my memory cells during the night and steal some of my depression tapes? Your message was like reading my own thoughts.

I do think it's important to remember that a lot of this is stinkin' thinkin, the distorted thoughts of our disease that tortures us.

Second, I agree with Pat about the ferrets. I had 2 dogs when my world came crashing down. I was involved with obedience training and the Airedale club. The dale was taken in by the founder of the club and went to live at at her estate, called "Airedale Acres." These are people who could afford to keep their last beloved pet on cancer drugs so he could eke an extra couple of months of life out. I could never give him the life he has now. My other dog had a bad problem of chewing doorframes during thunder storms -- a real problem that had to be disclosed. But friends of my X in New Mexico where there aren't the big storms of FL took her in. They were so pleased when I delivered her -- cooing over her like I'd just brought them my firstborn.

You bet I cried. But I know to this day that I made the right choice. It's a struggle to take care of myself, no less give them the exercise and attention they deserve.

Some people told me that I should not get rid of my dogs. But dogs are different critters from cats. A student just gave a speech on sugar gliders, and he advised people not to get one if they can't give it plenty of attention. If you know the ferrets need more than you give, I'm with Pat on finding them loving homes.

As for the gf, only you know what's best. It would be too much "in my face" to live with someone whom I loved who'd "moved on." The place where my life fell apart is the next county, which I know as well as my warts. Every time I go there, it's like a punch in the stomach. Going to the same old places where we lived for nearly 15 years is just too much of the memories "in my face." So I couldn't do it -- I'd want the gf out of my life so I could heal.

But that's me.

I feel for you Ryan.

(((((((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))))

oh sweetie.........broke my heart to think of you going through all this especially after your recent upswing in mood.........everyone here has great advise forr you..all i can add is that i care ever so much.......and even though you don't see it now.....it will pass.......hang tough and lean on us........love you.....julia

You have not crapped on everyones day Ry. We are here for you. Always. Always. Always.

I do not this getting rid of your precious ferrets is a wise idea. I agree with AG, they bing you joy and a decision like this can not be made at this time. I am so sorry about the X situation. I can not even begin to understand your feelings on that. What I can tell you is that your not alone. You have us. I think it is important to post when your happy, sad, mad, frustrated or whatever. It gets it out. So your not having to deal with it all on your own.
I know I have told you before but here it goes again. Your a wonderful person. So much to offer. Your kind and loving and so ready to help whenever its needed. Your special and unique and your spirit shines so bright. Dear friend, you are stronger then you think. Beleive that. I am always here for you Ry. Day or night. Hang in there. Post as often as needed to get it out.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((RYAN)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ryan......you know Im here for you, man. I'm at work right now and your number is sitting on my computer desk so i cant call you to see how you are so...please...if you get this before I get home....call me at work. We can talk as long as you need to, my friend. Heck....if you need a hug...drive over. I told you I was always here for you and I meant that. I feel helpless right now because I cant contact you. You know where to find me buddy. Much Love.

bump for Ryan we Love ya sweetie
Angie

Guys, I can't thank you enough for your support over these last several days. I wasn't sure I was gonna make it. My whole world felt like it was coming down around me, but with the help I've recieved here, my fighter was able to catch his 5th wind. He's still got a lot more left in him.

Ry

(((((((((((((Ryan)))))))))))

I'm so glad to hear that .

Thanks so much for the reply Fury. I've done some soul searching about the ex issue. I don't think that I'm jealous in the sense that you might think. I'm definately not in love with her anymore. I think my reasons for being upset are more than that. To start off, she's found a friend with benefits for lack of a better term cause she's not dating the guy, but she'll probably start that soon. And I want that too but I know that since I'm moving in 7 months or maybe sooner it's kinda pointless for me to even think about beginning a relationship. For her, she's going to live the rest of her life here so it's quite comfy for her. I guess I'm more jealous of what she's got and what I won't allow myself to have. The other thing is that her being here is a constant reminder of the previous fact. And that being the case, it's kind of hard to find some kind of closure. she cares so much and wants to make sure that I'm ok until I leave, but it sure is difficult given the current situation. She still doesn't have the money to move cause she doesn't make much and can't scrape up the dough for deposits and such. She can however afford to pay me rent. So I'm still torn about that and we're gonna talk about it tonight. She mentioned that she kinda feels that her actions might be inappropriate given the circumstances and in a sense I agree. But at the same time if this guy (and I know him... he's really a nice guy) is gonna make her happy I don't want her giving that up for me. That's not really fair, is it? Input on that one please regarding appropriate or inappropriate behavior. Now to the ferrets. When I move home, I'll be working full time and going to school full time and won't have the time or energy to care for them. That being said, the best thing for me to do is work with the local shelter while I'm here and try to find a home where they don't have to be split up. Anyway, thanks again Fury for the input and I hope you've got more given what I've just said. Much love dear.

Ry

Oh Ryan -- I was out of town and haven't been able to spend much time here lately so I didn't see this.

Sweetie, breakups take time to get over. 3 months is not a long time... especially if you see her every day.

It is not hopeless. And, you haven't ruined everything. Don't get caught in self-destructive thinking. You have so many friends here and you are such a caring guy -- take care of yourself first, your ferrets second... and know that we are here and care about you.

Love,
LMo