[Amazonmom]

I feel myself sinking down, down, down...

It's gradual, but I feel like I am getting lower and lower. My intrusive thoughts have come back in the last couple of days. They are gross and violent thoughts, sort of like remembering a picture. They are not hallucinations, thank goodness. I am worried that they will just get more frequent and more violent until they flood at me 24/7...like they were when I first met my psych NP.

I am tired of trying drugs, only to have them work and then have some horrid side effect. Zoloft ended in mania, Lamictal gave me a hypersensitivity reaction, the slower restart of Lamictal ended that way too. Each time the depression lifts, then comes crashing back down after having to quit the drug. I am still on Lithium, but all it has done for me is take away the few good days I ever have. She wants me to try Abilify...but NO WAY JOSE!!!!

The NP keeps saying that we have the hypomania under control, and we can get the depression...but why does she seem so darned happy to have taken away my good days? The good days never got me into trouble...it's the bone crushing depression. She doesn't know about the time I came within a few minutes of suicide in college, and she doesn't know about how I wake up in the morning disappointed to face another hopeless day. I am not suicidal now..I have a hubby and a baby to love. But knowing how far down I got before makes me scared that there is no hope for me...I just have to live like this.

Sorry to type so much...I just want to cry forever.

[Naturefreak]

(((Amazonmom)))
So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Hoping the hopelessness fades away.
Take care of yourself
for you're hubby and baby.

[Miracle1986]

(((Amazonmom)))

[Rohag]

For some it might be "better living through chemistry," but for others it's "non-living through chemistry."

Are you able to tell your doctor about your past? Are you able to tell her you want your good days back? How understanding is your husband? (Feel free to disregard or not respond to these questions.)

Wishing you renewed happiness, and an umbrella to protect you from any worry about needing to rush your therapy!

[Amazonmom]

You have good questions, I appreciate it when people give me something to think through.

She knows about the attempted rape that led to PTSD...but I have not told her of the near suicide afterwards. (I talked myself out of attempting). I find myself freezing up when I try. I tend to flashback and relive the experience when I try.

I have been afraid to tell her I want my good days back. I am afraid of looking like a typical non compliant bipolar patient...my natural highs are pretty mild really. My Zoloft hypomania was why I started Lithium, the drug really sent me higher than I have ever been. What I really want is to not be depressed, but i will settle for mood swings if that's all I can get! I know this is dumb...but I didn't think I was signing up for mood stabilizers and antipsychotics when I asked her for help with postpartum depression...

My hubby is very understanding, and he is super supportive. He just wants me to be happy. He says I am a good mom and a good nurse and a good wife, and he wants me to be able to enjoy those things. He knew me for 10 years before I got diagnosed, and loved me and our marriage. He sees no need to change his attitude towards me or the marriage now.

Originally Posted by Rohag

For some it might be "better living through chemistry," but for others it's "non-living through chemistry."

Are you able to tell your doctor about your past? Are you able to tell her you want your good days back? How understanding is your husband? (Feel free to disregard or not respond to these questions.)

Wishing you renewed happiness, and an umbrella to protect you from any worry about needing to rush your therapy!

[Catherine2]

Amazonmom...hugs if all right

I offer my apology for not knowing more about your situation, but I'd still like to share with you, partly from my own experience and just my opinion.
If you are comfortable with this physician, then have that face-to-face/heart-to-heart talk with her.
Don't hold back anything even if you have to write it out--or print your post and give it to her.

Your concerns and frustrations are valid as I'm sure you know...
"I know this is dumb...but I didn't think I was signing up for mood stabilizers and antipsychotics when I asked her for help with postpartum depression..."
We have to be our own patient advocate, if her treatment protocol is feeling overwhelming then address it with her.
It's something I learned very early to do, being a nurse was a definite advantage for me.
That and being an in-your-face-type of person.
It wasn't that way at first, as I said, I had to learn it.

Sorry for the ramble, Amazonmom.
Your frustration is clear and I wish I had words of wisdom for you.

Catherine

[teary_me]

(((Amazonmom))) please know im thinking of you.

[Amazonmom]

I appreciate any new insights people may have, thanks!

What's funny is I am like a lion when I think there is something one of my preemie patients needs.... I can be a nurse for my patients but maybe I need a nurse for myself. I do think I will have to write down what I need to say because I tend to get into therapy and forget it.

My provider asked me to read up on Abilify this week. I did. I found the study that was used to get the FDA approval for adjunctive treatment of depression. It was so flawed that I can't believe the FDA fell for it... I have always thought that big pharma is pushing the use of antipsychotics too hard because of how expensive they are...who cares if the patient gets akathisia, tardive dyskinesia, diabetes, or cardiovascular disease?

Sorry to go on a rant there...

Originally Posted by Catherine2

Amazonmom...hugs if all right

I offer my apology for not knowing more about your situation, but I'd still like to share with you, partly from my own experience and just my opinion.
If you are comfortable with this physician, then have that face-to-face/heart-to-heart talk with her.
Don't hold back anything even if you have to write it out--or print your post and give it to her.

Your concerns and frustrations are valid as I'm sure you know...
"I know this is dumb...but I didn't think I was signing up for mood stabilizers and antipsychotics when I asked her for help with postpartum depression..."
We have to be our own patient advocate, if her treatment protocol is feeling overwhelming then address it with her.
It's something I learned very early to do, being a nurse was a definite advantage for me.
That and being an in-your-face-type of person.
It wasn't that way at first, as I said, I had to learn it.

Sorry for the ramble, Amazonmom.
Your frustration is clear and I wish I had words of wisdom for you.

Catherine

[gravyyy]

Sorry you're struggling right now Amazon. I find it interesting that your NP thinks it's easier to control the depression rather than the hypomania. I have actually heard the opposite. For Bipolar II the person often spends more time in and experiences difficult to treat depressions. The depression is typically what causes loss of production. I'm not saying she's wrong, I just find it interesting. I understand your hesitation to try the Abilify and I think it's good you're reading up about it. I mean all of these medications can be horrible. My hesitation was always taking Lithium. I resisted for over a year but then decided I had tried everything else and the Lithium would be worth a try. Maybe your NP could come up with several different treatment options to try to find something helpful. Being that you're a nurse and know how to read FDA reports and drug profiles it could allow you to play a bigger role in your treatment. Or maybe you could do your own research into effective control of depression in Bipolar II disorder and go into your next appt with medication suggestions of your own. Just a thought. My pdoc wouldn't appreciate if I did that but your NP may not mind at all. Either way, I'm really hoping you start feeling better soon. Hang in there!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((( Amazonmom ))))))))))))))))))

[Amazonmom]

I actually think the NP believes the hypomania was easy to treat. I think she was trying to reassure me that I wasn't stuck with the depression, that there is something we can try. I had just finished telling her that maybe I would give up and just be depressed because I am very good at it...

I hope my NP is ready for me, because I doubt she has had too many clients that want to discuss treatments at the healthcare provider level of knowledge. I was trying to be respectful and be a good patient before, but now I realize not being myself is not going to help me. I am sure that I can still be a good girl while making my point.

She is really trying to help me, and making decent clinical decisions...it's just my wacky biology getting in the way!

Thanks,gravvy.

[Catherine2]

I hope my NP is ready for me, because I doubt she has had too many clients that want to discuss treatments at the healthcare provider level of knowledge. I was trying to be respectful and be a good patient before, but now I realize not being myself is not going to help me. I am sure that I can still be a good girl while making my point.

they are never ready for us!
As my problems increased, so did my determination to be a part of my health care team...by nature, I am not meek as most everyone knows. It's my body and mind and I want to know what they want to put into it.
Like you, I researched every suggested drug so I could present with knowledge while questioning the suggestions. In all honesty, there was negotiated compliance.
There are some drugs being prescribed that I will not take for any reason. Jmo, but I'm not going to be a guinea pig.

She is really trying to help me, and making decent clinical decisions...it's just my wacky biology getting in the way!
She's earned your trust, perhaps talking with her is still a good decision.

Best wishes,

Catherine

[Amazonmom]

Down, down, down.

I feel the anger overwhelming me...and I turn it all inwards.

Why does it feel like nobody loves me, nobody cares?

[depressedalaskan]

Hang in there ((((Amazonmom)))) You are an amazing person, do not let depression tell you otherwise.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

Down, down, down.

I feel the anger overwhelming me...and I turn it all inwards.

Why does it feel like nobody loves me, nobody cares?

Perhaps because they are not listening to you, it makes you feel un-important and disrespected? Among other things?
Jme, but when my feelings are disregarded or belittled, faulting me for way too many things, this is when I start feeling angry.
And it's easier to be angry at myself than it is to confront them...because it usually doesn't do any good.

It will get better...if baby steps are too much then try sloth steps--it's forward movement taking us out of the mire we find ourselves in.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are, ok?
We Care
I Care

Catherine

[teary_me]

((((((((((((((Amazonmom)))))))))))))) anytime u need to chat im here to listen

[thinker22]

As depressed as I am right now, don't believe the overwhelming feelings. It's the screwed up chemistry messing with you. You are loved, respected, and admired. I appreciate everything you've written to me in the month I've been on this site. We all may be wounded and limping along, but at least we're not alone.

[Amazonmom]

I took my baby to the zoo today with some friends from work. It was fun. The depression was still there,but at least I got out of my house and got some sun. I ended up getting sunburn, but oh well.

It's weird being depressed without all the agitated, frenetic energy to go with it. Lithium must be doing something... But the energy is what has always helped me to function while being so down. I am worried that I will screw up my job, the bills, my housekeeping, etc. I know my family needs my income and my help caring for baby and the home. The pressure I feel is so intense.

All I really want to do is go in a closet and hide. Forever.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

It's weird being depressed without all the agitated, frenetic energy to go with it. Lithium must be doing something... But the energy is what has always helped me to function while being so down. I am worried that I will screw up my job, the bills, my housekeeping, etc. I know my family needs my income and my help caring for baby and the home. The pressure I feel is so intense.

All I really want to do is go in a closet and hide. Forever.

AM,
My closet is for rent on a weekly basis...all the comforts but not from home. The comforts in this closet are the kind you find when you are tired, feel under or over whelmed, start feeling those miserable feelings of life changes that are scary...it's a safe place.
Jme, but when my body/mind were adjusting to med changes, I felt like Hades. I was out of my comfort zone, and I hated it. My "comfort zone" was not healthy for me, it was what I was used to, though...and I did not want to give it up for something that was unknown to me.
I felt deflated, a mess who was pushing herself to get through the hour--forget getting through a day, an hour with the mask of I Am All Right was my limit.
And I was very angry with myself for not sailing through it. Here I was a psych nurse on medical leave, in worse condition than some of the clients in the unit, and hating myself was on par with the disgust I felt that I should know better...

The other four letter word--Time--was equal to the other 4 letter word.
But time is what it took while I adjusted to the meds, stopped pressuring myself by projecting what would/could happen, cried when it took too damn long, and did not want to hear anyone, AnyOne, tell me it would get better.
After riding out a myriad of feelings, it eased into being better, different but better.

Another jme, but I also felt panicked about the same things concerning work, family responsibilities. If I didn't take care of myself, however, it was going to make things worse.
It was a bit of a shock to me that these things actually went on without my being the old me. In some ways, things were better because of the absence of the "other me".
In no way do I imply that any of this would be true of you...I'm sharing my own experience.
Honestly? It hurt my feelings when the world didn't stop while others managed just fine, albeit with adjusting to the changes. So much for me feeling everything might fall apart if I wasn't the glue.

Processes are just that...ongoing with an eye on a goal that will change as we make progress. Progress for me was two steps forward, 40 backwards on some days.
It was all right. I was not in a race to the finish line of recovery...

In my thoughts.
Please be kind to yourself, AM.

Catherine

[Amazonmom]

I have an appointment with my T/prescriber tomorrow. I don't think I have the guts to tell her that I wake up thinking "oh god, I woke up again". I feel like I will disappoint her. After almost 5 months I feel like I am sliding back to where I began.

I HATE DEPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so angry that being a good patient and doing whatever the T says has gotten me nowhere....and saying NO to T last week didn't go well. She seemed taken aback, and acted like she was thinking intensely about something in the back of her head the whole time she was talking to me. She'll probably give up on me. Everyone else in real life has eventually, except for hubby. Thank God for him. I really hope I misinterpreted my T.

She asked me to call her and make more appointments when I had my work schedule...why would she do that after making it seem like she thought I was pathetic and lonely and there was nothing she could do to teach me to trust? I was going to leave a message on her voice mail that I thought she was mean and I wasn't coming back. Of course she had to ANSWER the PHONE and acted all happy to hear from me...so I made the appointments.