[silver_queen]

I live alone with my dad. My mother died when I was a baby. My dad is very protective of me; over-protective in fact. However... he expects a lot from me, both in behaviour and in academic success. He always expects me to get the highest grades... to be the best/ among the best in the class.I took the grammar school exam when I was 11 and failed it ... my dad grounded me for it - the only time I have ever been grounded. I managed the good grade part fine until around my GCSE year(aged 16), when I think the depression started a little then (I'm 20 now). Both in my GCSEs and A-levels I under-performed simply because I hadn't studied (or crammed at the very last minute in the hours before the exams). Despite that though, I still got decent marks and now I'm at a good university (and living away from home).

Anyway... much of the time I fear displeasing him because when he gets angry, he scares me. That means that I often avoid telling him things, both good or bad, until the last minute because I don't want him to get angry with me. Sometimes things that I think will please him, don't, and vice versa. And I even get nervous about something that is undeniably good, in case he *still* takes it the wrong way.

Now, nothing violent happens when he gets angry. The last time he slapped me was when I was about 9 or 10, but I do have to say that it was indisputably hard. It was around the head and when it happened I thought I was going to black out because of it. I don't remember him ever hitting me since then, but I have been afraid that he would do it again and even as late as last year I was afraid he was going to hit me again about something depression-related .

When he is displeased with me, it's not as though it turns into a big slanging match or anything. I can't get into even a minor argument about something totally trivial without starting to cry. I can't prevent it or stop it when it happens. I suppose it's his manner that upsets me. He can talk loudly at me and defeat most arguments I have (since I'm already trying not to cry and to control my voice) ... especially since I know that when he's angry with me, he *always* wins the argument - whether I'm in the wrong or not. I suppose the thing that hurts is that often it is because of a mistake I made that he gets angry at me. For example, if I forget to do something, he assumes that it was because I didn't care enough about it in the first place. Even when I say it was a mistake, he doesn't believe me. And then I leave the room so that I can let myself cry, and until I feel ready to present myself again (I don't take too long in case that makes him angrier) I usually go to my room and basically I act as quiet as possible, as I always have done when this happens, more or less pretending I'm not in the house in another effort not to anger him more. Later, I go back downstairs and act like nothing has happened. I'm just very subdued because that's how I feel, and my dad lets me know that he's still angry with me through a kind of angry silence and minimum talk. The longest time that happened was a week: it was awful . It's usually for the rest of the day and into the next day.

So... I obviously dislike it when that happens and I try to avoid it, usually going about it the wrong way and causing it to happen anyway, lol. It's basically why I find it so difficult to talk to him about ordinary things. Even hearing him arrive home from work makes me anxious and tense, and in the time I'm expecting him to arrive home (usually about an hour before, since he sometimes gets home early) ... it makes me nervous. So talking to him about all the academic stuff at university would be very difficult, because basically I don't know how he would take it. There is a possiblility that he would be supportive and understanding - at least at first, until he starts blaming me for keeping silent - which is true, lol. Or he could be absolutely furious, which is likely, and I really don't know what would happen if that were the case. We don't have that much money and he is financing the accommodation each year (I have to pay for the living costs) so he would probably see the difficulties I am having with my work as a sign of idleness, lack of appreciation and total ingratitude. It could go from him saddling me with the full payment of university costs (luckily we don't have to pay tuition fees) to kicking me out of the house, possibly even disowning me. I think it could be possible that he would do that, if he thought I had disgraced him enough. Certainly kicking me out of the house is a possibility. When my mother married him, she brought along a child from a previous marriage, and when I was born, my dad kicked my sister(aged about 12) out of the house to live with my grandma because he didn't like her very much. I'm not really enjoying saying all this bad stuff but I think I should say it. I'm not sure if it's too detailed either.

I can't get any help from my other relatives either. All I am in contact with is my aunt, uncle and cousin, and they would only be willing to help me to a limited extent. Nor can I ask them for advice: they don't know anything about education. I'm the first in my family to go to university and they're all proud of me for it (and don't understand depression either).

So that is my situation, and why I am reluctant to do so many things to self-help. Even him finding out that I've been going to the dr/ gone to the psychiatrist, and (in the future) started anti-depressants could be disastrous. He could see it as a major deception by me (is it?) . I'm afraid of contacting university administration in case they write home... I'm afraid of a lot of things, lol.

I'm really sorry this is so long. I did mean it to be fairly short.But I'm thinking it might make me feel a little better to be able to express all this into writing for others to read and understand.

[SweetSunshine]

(((((((((((SILVER)))))))) Hon I want to reply to this so much right now. But I got so much going on this week,I can barely keep my head on straight right now lol. I hope you can forgive me if I delay this till next week. Jo and Greg are coming tomorrow and my house still needs so much attention yet! HELP! LOL. I recognize so much of what you are saying about your father. He sounds so much like mine did. AND yes I did say Did! HE has mellowed out and become so understanding and even likeable in his older age now, He is going to be 85 This coming Monday. So dont give up on your dad yet ok? Hang in there . Will talk to you soon sometime ok?

Hugz~
Beth

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))

Take all the time you want to reply. Thanks. I hope you enjoy Greg and Jo's visit - you must be looking forward to it!

Talk to you soon.

[moly1]

Hi Silver,
It is very hard trying to be the good girl all the time you must be under a lot of pressure trying to please your dad all the time.
My heart goes out to you, after all your 20 now and should be doing your own thing and haveing fun not worring about upsetting your father. I hope you get to see a T real soon and go on meds for your depression.
My own father is a very angry man likes to lay down the law, but it was only when I stood up to him that he started to quiten down. I know it is scary even thinking about standing up to him (I did'nt stand up to my father until I was forty lol) but you have the right to be happy.
Molly

[wi_fighter]

(((((((((((silver))))))))))))

Your father sounds a lot like my ex husband with not believing and blaming and never being good enough. I picked up a book at the library called Emotional Blackmail - When the people in your life use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate you. It's by Susan Forward, Ph.D. She also wrote a book called Toxic Parents. Perhaps those would be of help to you. It teaches you how to take back your personal power. I haven't gotten past reading that what I experienced was emotional blackmail, so I can't give you any tips. LOL

[Poppet]

((((((((((((((((Silver))))))))))))))

Thankyou for explaining stuff, its not too long at all. And I hope that it did help to get it out (although I guess it could feel scary to reveal all that too).

You are treading on eggshells so much around your dad, the strain must be wearing you down. Is there a student counselling service at uni that you could go to, things would be confidential there and then your dad wouldn't need to know.

Somewhere where you can have space with someone to talk about everything. To look through options with you and ways of coping with your dad (and all the feelings he brings up in you).

I imagine there could be a sense of relief when you are away at uni, even though it has its own pressures, you are away from the 'dad / eggshells' environment.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, thinking of you.....

Poppet

[complic8d]

((((Silver)))) I just want to say that my thoughts are with you. I understand growing up with high expectations from parents (sometimes too high). It leads to perfectionism that I am struggling with all the time. I am afraid of disappointing everyone.
I just want to thank you for all of your support for me and let you know that I am trying to support you in kind. You are such a great person, and you don't need to apologize for being you to anyone. We all make mistakes, all the time, and no one is perfect (something your father and my mother need to learn!)

HUGS to you!

Oh silver! Goodness sweetie. I am in shock of how much you have going on there! Please no apologies for the length. This is great that you have written this out here to share with us.
It will take me some time to really take all this in (space cadet __zh) but would like to respond with more brain power than is happening at this moment.
Wishing you so much hope. Your insights are so keen and with the right set of supports (psychiatric, medicinal, etc.) you will for sure be able to better ride out all that life tosses at you.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((( silver ))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry that your father is so hard on you and you don't/didn't have a mother to side with you and support you to kind of even that out

i really want to encourage you to use your time at the university to get the help you need for yourself...without and "eyes and ears" of your father. then, if and when you're ready, you can let him in. i'm sure he's pushed you and may have overdone things with you so much. this is your time now, friend. reach out and grab it with both hands, sweetheart. this time is YOURS!

you deserve so much in this world silver...so much. i'll be here for you every step of the way...telling you of my pride in you. i'm so proud of you. you know this depression isn't the "way it's supposed to be". you're planning on your fight. you have a strength...a strength that is apparent to all you know you. work off of that and do what you need to do for yourself. you can make your life work for you.

we can't worry about tomorrow too much, sweetie. it's not here and if we do, we tend to lose too much of today to tomorrow. today know what you can do, and work towards that. tomorrow will take care of itself, because you'll be right there managing it somehow, someway.

i adore you. i'm proud of you. i respect you. i admire you. you're so brave. i support you. i'm so proud of you and i'm here for you.

love,

kd

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Silver))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

kimmydawn, that was a beautiful and, i know, a heartfelt post...you're a very good friend...and we're all pulling for silver...but you said it best...p

[kimmydawn]

ty very much (((((((((((((( pat )))))))))))))))

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((moly)))))))))))))

I agree that trying to please all the time is definitely draining. It's good to read that you managed to talk with your father and found that it helped some. Thanks for replying.

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((wi_fighter))))))))))))

Thanks for replying and for suggesting that book. I'll look into it. Both sound interesting to read. I'm sorry that you had to go through that kind of behaviour with your ex-husband.

[silver_queen]

Thanks, ((((((((((((Poppet))))))))))))). I hope you don't think I said too much about it. It was a relief writing it all out but now I get nervous about what people are going to say, lol.

I do go to the counselling service, actually. I've been going since November. However because I started going there because of the increasing depression, that's mainly what we talk about. We have talked about my dad a couple of times but I have never been able to express just how he makes me feel. When I see my new t (whenever that will be), it's going to be an issue I raise as well as the depression. I think the best way would be to show them this post - I don't know how to tell somebody how I feel about it face-to-face.

And yep, it's good to be away from home. However, it's not totally away from home - there is always the vague anxiety about it, because he still has influence over me here too. I agree with the 'walking on eggshells' bit - it's definitely good to not have that every day.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((comp))))))))))))))

Thanks for your support. I appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear that perfectionism is causing such a problem for you. I agree about nobody being perfect, and that it's unfair to expect it all the time.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((zh))))))))))) I'm glad that you too think it's a good idea that I wrote it all out... as I've had doubts about it since I came on today and remembered it. But it's down and written now, and people have made some good replies.

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))))))))))

I think that's one of the nicest posts I've ever seen written to me. It was so positive and inspiring to read. I'm glad you're so supportive of me, Kimmy. I do really appreciate it - but I guess you already know that. Thanks so much ((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))). I'm glad to have you as a friend!

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you!

[wisewoman]

Silver, I am so sorry for your pain my friend.

[dogtanian]

hey silver - it is a really unpleasant situation, but you have to do what's good for you in your life as well - you have to go your own way to some extent and this won't always be what your dad wants but it is your life. it's really hard when someone is controlling to that extent. i used to have major issues with my family because i seem to like to do everything they frown upon - when i was a teenager and young 20s this was quite problematic, and caused a lot of resentment. now i do my thing and they've come around to the idea that what i enjoy may be different but it's me and if it is good for me that's what's best. i think it's hard for parents to let go of their babies, especially if you've lost your mum - but i'm sure your dad would ultimately rather you were happy in your life doing what you enjoy (although it may not seem that way...)

this : </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I do go to the counselling service, actually. I've been going since November. However because I started going there because of the increasing depression, that's mainly what we talk about. We have talked about my dad a couple of times but I have never been able to express just how he makes me feel.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> interested m - have you thought of printing out your post and taking it to the counsellor? when i was seeing a t, it was often easier for me to write everything for him to read than to say it. also it's a good way of getting your ideas across without interruption or sidetracking

good luck

[silver_queen]

Thanks, ((((((((((((((wise)))))))))))))).

[silver_queen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
interested m - have you thought of printing out your post and taking it to the counsellor? when i was seeing a t, it was often easier for me to write everything for him to read than to say it. also it's a good way of getting your ideas across without interruption or sidetracking

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, I have thought of doing that before. However, we're coming to the end of our sessions (I'm going to be finishing with my counsellor soon) because I'm arranging to see a psychologist sometime - I thought it would be better to mention all this stuff to a new t than to somebody I will have stopped seeing in a few weeks.