[tryingtobeme]

I hate depression and all the other mental illnesses I have. Life seems so hard sometimes. I just want to cry. I don't knoww hat to do.

1. my dad - hate him for abusing me and letting other people abuse me but yet I don't want to see him die - he has a bad infection in his blood, not sure if they got it quick enough.

2. husband - meeting with pastor last nigh. my husband and I both. Why does it feel like I have so much to change. He doesn't have anything to work on. Is our marriage really just my fault. Why can't my life just be normal.

3. A good friend - well I thought she was a good friend of mine. I hate her...she has overstepped her bounds and she has no regret, no sense of how much I am hurting and doesn't really care. The relationship ship is not working and is dead in of itself.

I know I am rambling but these are my feelings along with just not wanting to deal with it all, wanting to run away, feeling very impulsive, I need to drink, cut...something. I would say what I really want to do but most people battling depression knows what that is.

I've said to much already. I will probably get in trouble for speaking/typing my mind.

[Rohag]

Hello, Tryingtobeme!

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I hate depression and all the other mental illnesses I have.

Me too - for you, for me and for us all.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I just want to cry.

Nothing wrong with crying; are you able to cry? It might do you some short-term good.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

my dad - hate him for abusing me and letting other people abuse me but yet I don't want to see him die...

Personal Opinion: You are free to both hate him for the abuse and simultaneously be concerned for his life. So what if these are conflicting feelings - people are complex; be kind to yourself for harboring this contradiction.

Marital Counseling: Depression and other illnesses diminish your capacity for change, certainly for rapid change. Does your pastor/counselor appreciate this? Doesn't your husband recognize or feel a need to accommodate your conditions? I would hope the willingness to accommodate would be at least as great as the willingness to attempt change.

Dying/Dead Friendship: Personal Opinion: Now is the time to "clear for action" on the self-care front. Facing deep distress demand you let all but the most essential burdens in your life sink to the bottom of the priority pile. Your safety comes FIRST.

All the above is selfishly offered to the end that Tryingtobeme be safe and happy enough to continue to participate in these forums.

[phoenix47baby]

Thanks for your post. It looks like you have a lot on your plate. It takes two to make a marriage work. It is not all because of you and your issues. Allow your husband to take some responsibility for the marriage, too. Keep up the good work! Sending good wishes your way!

[Berries]

((((((((((tryingtobeme)))))))))))

Wow, you have a lot on your plate. No wonder you are exhausted!
Take a moment and give yourself a breather and congratulate yourself for trying to work through all these things.

I'm sorry you have to go through all on your list.

I wish you strength and love.

Keep posting and sharing your pain and torment. We will always listen!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( tryingtobeme ))))))))))))))))))

[lynn09]

So sorry you are struggling and hurting so ((((tryingtobeme)))). You need to surround yourself with loving, caring, understanding, and supportive people right now, and you need to be completely selfish about it. If you had a broken leg, no one would expect you to "change" that to accommodate them - your depression, etc., is the same. You cannot just spontaneously heal your MIs anymore than you could spontaneously heal a broken leg or any other physical injury or disease just by "changing" yourself. It isn't about you changing to make everyone else feel better about themselves, it's a matter of you receiving the appropriate treatment for your MIs so that you can have a more rich and fulfilling life - and others will naturally benefit from their relationships with you. It sounds to me like those around you right now are much more concerned about how they are allowing their lives to be impacted by your problems than they are about how YOUR life is being affected by your conditions. Also, because of your MIs it's very easy for others to use you as a "scapegoat" - make you responsible for THEIR problems instead of taking responsibility for their own lives and problems. You really do need to reprioritize and put yourself, your physical and mental health, at the very top of the list, and don't allow anyone to try to hold you responsible for their behavior. Please post as often as you can - we are all here to hear and help in any way we can.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by lynn09

So sorry you are struggling and hurting so ((((tryingtobeme)))). You need to surround yourself with loving, caring, understanding, and supportive people right now, and you need to be completely selfish about it. If you had a broken leg, no one would expect you to "change" that to accommodate them - your depression, etc., is the same. You cannot just spontaneously heal your MIs anymore than you could spontaneously heal a broken leg or any other physical injury or disease just by "changing" yourself. It isn't about you changing to make everyone else feel better about themselves, it's a matter of you receiving the appropriate treatment for your MIs so that you can have a more rich and fulfilling life - and others will naturally benefit from their relationships with you. It sounds to me like those around you right now are much more concerned about how they are allowing their lives to be impacted by your problems than they are about how YOUR life is being affected by your conditions. Also, because of your MIs it's very easy for others to use you as a "scapegoat" - make you responsible for THEIR problems instead of taking responsibility for their own lives and problems. You really do need to reprioritize and put yourself, your physical and mental health, at the very top of the list, and don't allow anyone to try to hold you responsible for their behavior. Please post as often as you can - we are all here to hear and help in any way we can.

[Pomegranate]

100% with Rohag. Taking care of yourself is priority one. You can't be there for anyone else if you aren't taking care of YOU.

[tryingtobeme]

Rohag, I hate crying though. to me it's weakness. I know you are going to tell me that it isn't though. I do want to be selfish and take time for me...it's so hard though. Pastor...well he is great, but he is more of a spirtual counselor than anything else. So of course everything is centered around God.

Phoenix47...Thanks and I wish my husband would take more responsibilty. If I left anything up to him...life would fall apart even more. He is such a wild card.

Berries and fuzzy, lynn09 and pom.- thank you for the hugs and being there. My plate never seems to get empty.

it just continues to fill and fill. I am finally at my breaking point and I don't knwo what to do or where to go.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

meeting with pastor last nigh. my husband and I both. Why does it feel like I have so much to change. He doesn't have anything to work on. Is our marriage really just my fault.

It sounds to me as if someone's playing "Heads I win, tails you lose" with you. Family therapists figured out long ago that the "identified patient" is almost always just the scapegoat (thanks, lynn09) for other family members who are less aware of their problems and more successful at passing them off to someone else. That your pastor seems to have missed this, suggests that (a.) he has limited skill as a family therapist and (b.) he's doing neither you nor your husband any great favors.

Good luck, tryingtobeme. I suspect your best bet would be to find counseling somewhere where you're granted a level playing field.

[tryingtobeme]

I have an appt with T at noon. I really don't want to go. I should not have asked for this appointment. Do you think I should cancel? I mean I always bother him. He has other things he has to do, but me, I feel I can't go without seeing him.

I've now turned to alcohol since the cutting doesn't seem to be helping as much. I just had to say that. I have been hiding it from everyone. You all are the first people that I have told. I can't get through the day without a drink. Should I tell T, no I'm told by my others, that will only get me in more trouble.

I guess life is just a down hill slide. Someday it will end. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

[lonegael]

Don't worry about your T. He chose his line to work with people like you and I serious doubt he has "better things to do". One of the sickest things about this disease is the way it talks us into believing that we should do everyone a favour and deny help when reality is the opposite.

Of course you should have had this appointment. Spiritual counselors are great but you need a different angle on your illness, even if everything does center on God Tae care of yourself, dearone.

[Berries]

JMO, but I think you should tell your T about the cutting and the drinking. What kind of trouble could you get into? Are you worried about being hospitalized against your will?

The more honest you are with your T the more he can help you.

And if you don't want to go to the hospital, make a safety contract with your T.

I'm concerned about you. How are you doing today?
Take Care and let others help you do that. (like your T)

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I have an appt with T at noon. I really don't want to go. I should not have asked for this appointment. Do you think I should cancel? I mean I always bother him. He has other things he has to do, but me, I feel I can't go without seeing him.

I've now turned to alcohol since the cutting doesn't seem to be helping as much. I just had to say that. I have been hiding it from everyone. You all are the first people that I have told. I can't get through the day without a drink. Should I tell T, no I'm told by my others, that will only get me in more trouble.

I guess life is just a down hill slide. Someday it will end. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

By all means, ((((tryingtobeme)))) - keep your appointments with your T and tell him about everything - he is not there to pass judgment on you, but to help you - and he can't help you with things he doesn't know about. Since you are cutting and drinking, you know that these are indicators that you are obviously past the point of dealing with your feelings without some assistance - please let your T do his job and help you. Do not allow your depression, etc., to lie to you - you deserve a good, healthy, fulfilling life just as much as anyone else on this planet. Let the educated, trained, and experienced professionals help you attain that life. I don't believe that it is life that you want to end - I believe that it's the pain and suffering that you want to end so you can truly LIVE free from the pain and suffering. Do not cause yourself even more pain and suffering by doing injury to yourself - you've had enough injury inflicted upon you - now is the time to do everything you possibly can to heal - to take advantage of every form of assistance available to you to accomplish that healing. Please keep us updated on how you are feeling and doing - we are always here to hear you and help support you.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I have an appt with T at noon. I really don't want to go. I should not have asked for this appointment. Do you think I should cancel? I mean I always bother him. He has other things he has to do, but me, I feel I can't go without seeing him.

Did you go to T?

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I've now turned to alcohol since the cutting doesn't seem to be helping as much. I just had to say that. I have been hiding it from everyone. You all are the first people that I have told. I can't get through the day without a drink. Should I tell T, no I'm told by my others, that will only get me in more trouble.

Were you able to tell him about the cutting and alcohol problems?

How are you feeling?

Please be safe and reach out for help, here and irl.

We all care about you and what happens to you very much

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by Berries

Did you go to T?


Were you able to tell him about the cutting and alcohol problems?

yes I did go to T. He knows about the cutting and now he knows about the alcohol now. I think he wants to abandon me though. I posted in the terapy forum .

[billieJ]

Dear tryingtobeme,Life is hard. But we don't know what death is like, so that's not an option. I can see where you would be very conflicted about your father's condition. I can see where forgiveness would be very difficult, but seeing him sick is hard, too. It's hard to know what to think. Your husband no doubt has as much to change as you do. It's just that you have treatment needs and conditions that he does not have to struggle with. His part of "change" should involve becoming more supportive, I'm thinking. Your thought that you need to do all the changing is just part of your depressive or learned thought process. You are vastly better than what you have been led to think!! I am 59, and wish I had a husband or son of any kind [well, not abusive] to do the plumbing and the lawn, now that I have become disabled and without family who can visit. If I may ask, how did the friend overstep her bounds? Hopefully, you have multiple friends, but with me, friendship is a treasured thing. However, only you know how you feel, and you are certainly entitled to that. Caring for You ~ billieJ

[lonegael]

(((tryingtobeme))))what is your T doing that makes it seem he wants to abandon you? If for some reason he does not feel competent to help you, then he should make sure you can get in touch with someone who can. If he acts like he wants to leave, then MAKE SURE HE GIVES YOU A REFERRAL. I cannot stress this enough. You are not sómeone who is so bad that you must be dumped, not from what I can see. You deserve and need help. GOOD FOR YOU that you told him, though. It should make it easier next time. Few things are as terrible as seemed once we actually hear ourselves say it.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

yes I did go to T. He knows about the cutting and now he knows about the alcohol now. I think he wants to abandon me though. I posted in the terapy forum .

(((((((((((TTBM)))))))))))

I read your post. I understand how you could feel abandoned by what your T said. But do try to hear what else he said. And remember that basically he cares so much for you that he wants to make sure you get the best treatment possible. Try to remind yourself of this when you are feeling abandoned by him.

Take Care

[Naturefreak]

(((Tryingtobeme)))