[Berries]

I can't work right now. I wear gloves about 90% of the time. 100% when I am out in public. And being in close proximity with other people disgusts me. I can't use public restrooms.

But if all of that went away. I still wouldn't want to go to work. This is what has happened in the past: I would be afraid of my coworkers, constantly comparing myself to them & coming up short, not saying a word in a gathering or talking my head off about stuff I know little about to individuals...I would only be able to do one thing at a time, while they could handle a number of tasks...I would forget tasks... and be too ashamed to ask for help...
If I got really depressed it would affect the quality of my work. If I was hypomanic I would produce like crazy, but then the crash into depression and therefore lower quality of work would confuse and possibly get me fired. If I got truly manic and delusional, I would have to quit cuz I'd be put in the hospital.

But am I just being lazy and a coward? Or am I truly debilitated enough to be on disability not counting the OCD?

I have two volunteer jobs that I am hoping to do when/if I can touch things again. And I'd like to take some classes.

I just feel so worthless because I don’t have a career and don’t see ever having one.

Also, I don't have a family--no parnter, no kids... and never will.

Am I just a waste of space?

[ZilchHour]

"Better safe than sorry" seems to be your motto, so you are neither coward nor lazy. And why you cannot touch the things, it is one of the five senses and just think that even the blind, dumb, deaf use this gift, so just see some one, get advice, and work things up for you. I f it is possible then only you are the one who can make it happen!
Regards
ZILCH HOUR

Berries, with the exception of the OCD symptoms -- I don't wear gloves, but do carry Purell gel in my backpack -- you are speaking for me. I also feel guilty for not working, but at the same time know that I just wouldn't 'fit in' in any work situation right now. I also struggle with feelings of low self worth b/c I'm not employed.

The sad truth is that I'm just not up to the social games involved in the employment sector. In my experience, people are rarely, if ever, "real" at work.

I guess people aren't employed to be "real" though; they are employed to fill a role. Roles involve scripts. staging. etc.

Ever heard of the book The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life by Irving Goffman (sp?)? It's a whole book on how people "dramatize" their "roles" at work and in private life. This book was like the Rosetta Stone for me. It explained my sense of unreality in a lot of social situations that seem suspiciously . . . Scripted. Staged. Fictional.

That's because they are!!! (according to Goffman).

Maybe you're just "missing the script" like some of the rest of us! Mike

[Berries]

Originally Posted by zilchhour

"Better safe than sorry" seems to be your motto, so you are neither coward nor lazy. And why you cannot touch the things, it is one of the five senses and just think that even the blind, dumb, deaf use this gift, so just see some one, get advice, and work things up for you. I f it is possible then only you are the one who can make it happen!
Regards
ZILCH HOUR

"Better safe than sorry" seems very cowardly to me.

I am going to an OCD clinic soon. So, hopefully someday I will be able to touch stuff so I can do volunteer jobs--ones that don't involve a lot of co-workers--adult literacy & a Big Sister in the Big Brother Big Sister program.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by cypher

Maybe you're just "missing the script" like some of the rest of us! Mike

I am definitely missing the script!

[VickiesPath]

I know that my situation isn't exactly like yours, Berries, but I can tell you what happened to me. I am on SSDI now but wasn't always.

I began working at my first job when I was 15. I came from a family that worked. I worked all my life, working up to 3 part-time jobs at once while putting myself through university. I always supported myself and worked constantly except for a period of weeks right after I had my son.

I worked some pretty high stress jobs in government investigation for a long time until I burrned out in that line of work. Then I switched to IT.

After I moved to Arizona (1999), I worked full-time until my knees and back wouldn't allow me to crawl on the floor and pull cables in my chosen profession as a computer technician. So, I changed to a bench technician. The stress began to get to me. So, I changed to software support. That was even more stressful. I changed jobs several times and went down in responsiblity until I couldn't handle a full-time job anymore. This was because my bipolar got worse.

Eventually, it became more clear to me that with my physical limitations and my intolerance of stress, I needed to apply for disability. This went against my entire life of working. But I had to face the reality of my illness. I was precisely the type of person that SSDI was meant for. I had worked for 34 years and could no longer do so.

I think that you are also in that situation. You would work if you could do so and be comfortably successful. But it is so painfully distressful for you and exaccerbates your illness, so it is not healthy for you to work. Why treat your illness with medication and therapy if you are going to go to a job and undo all of that?

Yeah, what she said!

[Rohag]

Hi, Berries! A few quick observations:

• Based on reading your posts over time, I have to conclude the collection of effects of your illnesses severely affect your “activities of daily living,” preventing you from participating in normal “unsupported” employment (there's such a thing as “supported employment” in the American disability system, but that's another subject).
• Consequently, you are “debilitated enough to be on disability....”
• Though you say you do not want to work, it seems you want to want to work otherwise you would not be aiming for those volunteer jobs and classes, possibly as stepping stones to greater social functionality.

Feelings of worthlessness torment many of us here, including me. My real – not rhetorical – question for you is: from where are these questions coming, “Am I a lazy coward?” and “Am I just a waste of space?” Who or what is broadcasting to you values that lead to these questions/conclusions about yourself?

Originally Posted by Cypher

The sad truth is that I'm just not up to the social games involved in the employment sector.

I can relate... “The horror, the horror...!”

I have been off work for long stretches 3 or 4 times in my life, due to depression and other mental health issues. It is hard to feel good about oneself when not employed. But this last time I kept reminding myself that my 'job' was my therapy and other things designed to help me recover more fully this time so maybe I won't ever get that depressed again. Meanwhile, I was on social assistance for three years.

I have been employed since May of this year, but at things that suit my temperament and my ability to handle stress. I also can't tolerate the politics and fakery and social whatever that many workplaces are full of. But I have found things to do which mean I can work alone or with one other person. Such as house painting, which find very satisfying, but is very physically demanding. But I also do translating and editing work. There are a lot of work from home jobs in areas like that these days.

When it is time to think about work, and that needs to be in your own good time, maybe consider some kind of career counselling where you can be helped to figure out what kind of work suits who you are and what you can handle, and also what you like to do.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ripley

When it is time to think about work, and that needs to be in your own good time, maybe consider some kind of career counselling where you can be helped to figure out what kind of work suits who you are and what you can handle, and also what you like to do.

This is absolutely golden advice (thanks, Ripley)! If/When you consider joining the workforce, you don't want to sabotage your chances of success by trying to force yourself into work or a work environment that will immediately send you spiraling back into abject misery.

[justfloating]

Originally Posted by Berries

[FONT=Verdana]If I got really depressed it would affect the quality of my work. If I was hypomanic I would produce like crazy, but then the crash into depression and therefore lower quality of work would confuse and possibly get me fired. If I got truly manic and delusional, I would have to quit cuz I'd be put in the hospital.

That right there is a very good reason for you to be out of the workforce. You're sick, Berries, and there's nothing you did or are currently doing to cause it, it just happened to you. You are NOT lazy, you're legitimately afflicted with a highly debilitating illness. You are NOT a coward, you are simply so affected in your moods and thoughts that it would be impossible for you to function at the same level as everyone else. It's not fair and it's terrible that someone as wonderful as you is so ill, but it is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to help it. You have a disability, but it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!

I think that volunteering is a wonderful idea, if you're up to it. Firstly, you can find projects that you actually enjoy, that you can fit around your schedule and that you can be entirely comfortable doing. You are unlikely to find that with a paid job. Plus, in volunteering there's usually a lot less stress -- you don't have to worry about deadlines or getting fired. On top of that, you get to feel good knowing that you're making a real difference in the world. You're getting a fulfilment a lot of people unfortunately don't get out of their paid jobs. When you volunteer, it's because you WANT to, and it's so much more rewarding than the things you HAVE to do, isn't it?

I'm pretty sure you're bipolar, right? Stephen Fry, who's a big British actor/comedian, recently made a documentary explaining his battle with manic depression, and how it's affected his life as well as interviewing a whole bunch of other people on how it's affected theirs. It's called The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive, and I think it would be good for you to watch so you can see how other people cope with the illness and how it affects their working lives. If you look up "The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive" on youtube, you can actually find the whole thing there. I just have straight depression, but I can relate to so much of what he says and it's given me a whole new outlook on my own mental health. I've actually seen it twice now, and it's really good!

Sending lots of hugs.

[trevorzero]

Not every human being is meant to be a "drone," marching off to work every day and punching a time clock. Working is a good thing, to be sure, but the world needs a variety of people in it so that it may blossom fully.

Just try to flourish in your uniqueness, and this will be your contribution to society.

[lonegael]

((((Berries)))) Since it seems you really aren't comfortable with not working, I think that you are right on the money with aiming for the volunteer work, at least first. I really applaud you for going for the OCD clinic. Talk about facing your fears! That's a very courageous thing for you to do, and I admire you for it!!! However it turns out, your actions show you to be brave and determined. It would be terrible to iron us all out to the point of being clones, but sometimes there are things that make life a lot harder than it should be. Bless you Berries! How could anyone think you were lazy? Go get 'em!

[Pomegranate]

(((((((Berries))))))))) As far as I'm concerned you certainly are NOT a waste of space. You taking the time to come by my profile or read my posts means sooooooo much to me. You make a difference in my life.

I'm on disability also and have many of the same thoughts you do. Every time I try to work I end up paranoid and really angry with everyone around me. I either get fired or quit. Several years ago I finally just stopped putting myself through that. I know I can't deal with the stress that having a job - any job - entails.

And I finally know that I'm still a worthwhile person even if I don't have a job. It's not about what you do, but who you ARE. You have been a very nice, thoughtful, warm and friendly person to me. And I appreciate that. Maybe you should try writing down every single good thing you do, no matter how small, every day for a week and then just read it over and over. Even if you are doing just one good thing over and over again, write it down every time you do it every day. I think you will be surprised and have more respect for yourself.

[shezbut]

Berries

You aren't a lazy coward for not wanting to work. NO.

For similar reasons, I am also unable to work. My experience has been a lot like Pom's. I have tried many times to be what I considered an "upstanding citizen" and work full-time. Couldn't handle it. Went down to part-time. Couldn't handle that either. I am one thing ~ a woman. When working, my personal world and physical health fall apart every time. When not working, after a year or so, I finally get a hold of my physical health. After that, my emotional health s-l-o-w-l-y becomes more "liveable". It has taken me years to recognize this pattern I have. It taken more years to accept these facts.

So, I get SSI assistance. That has a huge financial impact on my world. I cannot allow government assistance to bring me down emotionally. It's all that I have, and for that, I am thankful. Hopefully, I will be able to handle working part-time someday. Or, maybe volunteering will fill that void in my self-esteem. Right now, I am wise enough to recognize that I can't handle either work. But, I am okay. I'm a waaaaaay better mom, and I'm a better human being. That's what is important to me.


Shez

[ZilchHour]

Originally Posted by Berries

"Better safe than sorry" seems very cowardly to me.

I am going to an OCD clinic soon. So, hopefully someday I will be able to touch stuff so I can do volunteer jobs--ones that don't involve a lot of co-workers--adult literacy & a Big Sister in the Big Brother Big Sister program.

You are not a coward, but sometimes you need strength and confidence to break away the inertia. So do it as others have advised!!!

Best of luck for the OCD clinic, but one thing is important enough:
They can give you medicine, care, advise and treatment, but health lies in you own (covered) hands.

Regards
ZILCH HOUR

No your are Not Crazy or Lazy.....

If you could you would.

The thought of ever having to go back to work petrifies me.

When I worked I never realized I was doing a good job. I always triple checked my work and still felt like it was of low quality. I could never do it good enough.

Then the facade of having to wear the masks.
Oh my - I was an executive secretary for 15 years. I don't even imagine that like of work - Now... the masks the smiles, the 'how are you', may I help you.... always having to be plesant.

That's when I would dissociate. I be watching my from above and of course looking like a was a stupid idiot, and could never match up.

No more masks for me - well with my grown kids I do, or they wouldn't want to talk to a crazy mother.

[billieJ]

Berries, you are neither lazy, a waste of space or able to work. You are disabled by your complex issues. Revisit this issue if/when you are able to successfully hold a volunteer position, and until then, put it away. I think you actually DO want to work, but you're not able to - not until you can touch something, at the very least. Your Friend ~ billieJ

[bluzman]

Hi berries after having read your post I would like to consoul you that it is quite uncanny that I feel the same way.I lost my job as technician because of my OCD and that was over a decade ago,but i am still here one foot behind the other.Please dont despair,for everybody in this univerese serves a purpose. Just think of the butterfly effect. After all no matter how succesful one may be in this world, when were gone it only becomes a vague memory no material legacy remains forever. Hang in there

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Berries ))))))))))))))))))

[wickedwings]

I have felt a lot of guilt about not wanting to work. My past experiences with working has been quite bad. I always got sick over and over. I would physical and mental breakdowns. It got worse with each job/opportunity I tried. On the outside, I look normal. I'm a wife "who doesn't want to work." I'm a wife "who doesn't do anything." This puts a huge guilt on me. I'm physically "able" to work, even though I'm blind in my left eye and profoundly deaf, and have been since birth. My husband thinks I"m avoiding work. But who wouldn't in my situation? Have I cheated? Am I a freeloader? Maybe. But what can I do? I suck at volunteering. I suck at marketing online. Can one feel lower than feeling like dirt because they can't hold down a job. I feel like I'm such a burden to society. Like I'm not productive to society. I know it's overrated, but I'm such an outcast in the society that expects so much out of a person.

[ZilchHour]

You are welcome Berries!

[Berries]

Originally Posted by wickedwings

I have felt a lot of guilt about not wanting to work. My past experiences with working has been quite bad. I always got sick over and over. I would physical and mental breakdowns. It got worse with each job/opportunity I tried. On the outside, I look normal. I'm a wife "who doesn't want to work." I'm a wife "who doesn't do anything." This puts a huge guilt on me. I'm physically "able" to work, even though I'm blind in my left eye and profoundly deaf, and have been since birth. My husband thinks I"m avoiding work. But who wouldn't in my situation? Have I cheated? Am I a freeloader? Maybe. But what can I do? I suck at volunteering. I suck at marketing online. Can one feel lower than feeling like dirt because they can't hold down a job. I feel like I'm such a burden to society. Like I'm not productive to society. I know it's overrated, but I'm such an outcast in the society that expects so much out of a person.

Thank you for responding. I can so relate to so much of what you said--especially the part about being an outcast in society. Thank you for sharing your experience.