[tryingtobeme]

I can't help myself anymore. I've tried and tried, even given in to some of my biggest fears...where has it gotten me...no where. I am still hated, alone, gross disgusting piece of trash. Maybe I should just sit out with the garbage. That is what I am and that is what you do with trash is throw it out...

what's the use of even posting this..why bother with more...not like anyone really cares. I will always be alone...my life is not important

[idontknow13]

((((((tryingtobeme)))))
You are not trash, you are important, you matter and we care

I hope you feel better soon

[Lboogieg]

((((tryingtobeme)))) I care. We care. I don't think you're a disgusting piece of trash and I'm sure others in this forum will agree with me.

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad though! It gets hard when it seems no one is paying attention to you. Trust me, I know. But I bet you someone irl is listening...I bet you someone does care. They just might not be expressing it like they should.

I know that loneliness too; it threatens to crush me all the time, but I keep fighting it somehow. Maybe we can hold each other up. Feel better very soon!

[turquoisesea]

((((((tryingtobeme)))))))

[tryingtobeme]

I can't take it anymore. I try to reach out and help myself but all I do is make people hate me. I can't do this anymore. I just need to be done...just another person in this world that no one gives a s*** anymore. I'm not wanted or needed anywhere so no one will miss that I am gone.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( tryingtobeme ))))))))))))))
I feel like that sometimes too. I don't think its reality though, although it feels like it. I think we've been programmed to feel that way (sometimes before we even remember) We CAN break the pattern.

[Rohag]

Tryingtobeme, looking over your posts for the past several months I see a caring, loving individual who repeatedly extends comfort to others despite her own pain. The world contains too few such people.

I am aware that my words are powerless against the emotions beating down your spirit. All I can really do is stand with the others here who recognize your struggle and shout our affirmation: Tryingtobeme is worthy! Tryingtobeme is one of us!

[opheliasorrow]

(((((((((((((((((((Tryingtobeme))))))))))))))))))))))

I hear someone who is on the outside very angry but underneath in extreme emotional pain. I'm so sorry you feel this way, I hear you and have been there so many times myself. Please don't ever say you're worthless and a piece of trash, it really isn't true. Depression tells us lies. You are a human being and you deserve respect, to be loved and to be treated with compassion and respect. You have a lot of friends here who are very supportive of you, there is lots of love here sweetie. Sometimes it's so hard to break out of negative thoughts, especially when you feel like all your life you have been treated in a bad way, but it IS possible like Fuzzy said. We have to take it by baby steps and start swapping the negative thoughts with the positive. I know that's easier said than done, but it IS possible. Trust me if I can do this anyone can .... sincerely, Ophelia xxxx

[turquoisesea]

I re-read this, and I'm wondering what was one of your biggest fears? Do you want to talk about it?

You don't need to sit out with the garbage. Come join me in my cave We can face the horrid world together

[lonegael]

((((tryingtobeme))))) Just to let you know, I was wondering where you'd gotten to, So, someone notices when you're gone, and cares enough to wish I could reach through the screen to deliver this hug in personDon't ever believe that you are worth nothing. As I've said before, I don't buy that, not coming from mr. d. Be good to yourself

[trevorzero]

I bet that there is at least one thing that you can do that will help you to feel a little better.

Don't block yourself. Don't wrestle yourself to the ground.

Lie back. Open up your mind and clear your head. Wait for inspiration. It might take all day and all night, but it will come.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I can't help myself anymore. I've tried and tried, even given in to some of my biggest fears...where has it gotten me...no where. I am still hated, alone, gross disgusting piece of trash. Maybe I should just sit out with the garbage. That is what I am and that is what you do with trash is throw it out...

what's the use of even posting this..why bother with more...not like anyone really cares. I will always be alone...my life is not important

I feel this way today, have been since I put it on here. I know no one wants to hear what I have to say. I'm just posting to get it out of me before I do something even more drastic.

I cut, just a few mintues ago, for the first time in over a month. I damage everything I ever touch or am around. No wonder why I don't have friends that actually give a **** about me.

I keep wanting to be with these men in my life. They don't know how I feel but I would love to be with any one of them. Even my T is one of them. He doesn't even want me though....this is useless....who really give a ****. LIke I said I should go out with the garabe and just put in a land fill to rot.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I know no one wants to hear what I have to say.

It may be true that many people out in the world don't care for what you (or any other PsychCentral poster) have to say, but the unfortunate truth is your words give voice to the silent thoughts of too many of us here on these forums. We feel like garbage.

Originally Posted by tryingtobeme

I'm just posting to get it out of me before I do something even more drastic.

Good. This is the right thing to do in a situation like this. Keep posting

[Briester]

Tryingtobeme:

I can't speak for anyone else though I'm sure my sentiment is the same. I for one do care what you have to say. I've not seen any other posting by you since I just joined recently so I don't know your history but from reading this last post it struck a chord in me that "Whoa! I'm felt this way too!" so I empathize with you.

I'm here at least to see what other people have to say about their conditions, to offer some bit of kind words and love where I can, and maybe also get a glimpse of what has worked for others. The care people have shown me since I started in the forum has really touched my heart in many ways.

I hope that your bothersome thoughts leave you soon and that you are able to be happy again.

Chris

[tryingtobeme]

why do I even bother trying????

[tryingtobeme]

why do I even try to reach out. No one gives a crap. I am putting this here instead of starting a new thread. It's all about the same anyhow. Just more ranting on my part...but like I said, no one gives a crap..

I tried to reach out to my T and what happens...I clam up...tell him I can't talk about this and how I am feeling...WHY THE HECK DO I KEEP DOING THIS????? WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME THAT I JUST CAN'T TALK TO THE PERSON WHO IS THERE TO HELP ME???? Well maybe he will still be there. He will abandon me like everyone else, or just blow off all my concers.

I am feeling at the end today. I just want someone to reach out to me and care about me, but no one does. If I talk, everyone runs away, it's no use anymore...I no use anymore...my life is...well...

who knows where I go from here, one way ticket...

[lonegael]

((((tryingtobeme))))) Right now you're a walking ball of psychic pain, so so you feel. I have some questions to fire back at you. Why DO you keep going? This is not meant as a put down, but an honest question. All of us have something that keeps driving us onward and keeps us anchored here. For some it can be work, for others, fear, for others, hope. I have three things that keep me trudging on. One is my family, hubby and kids. The other is my God, in various meanings that can be understood in. The last is simply my own innate cussedness: I don't want the ba"#¤%& to win. Purely out of principle. It's a personal thing, you might say. I want to dance on D's grave.

I really do want to hear your thoughts, because that way I can hear that you know this is not coming from you. You know it's depression, and you know that he's lying. Put everything he tells you to the test; why should your therapist leave you? Has he/she expressed disgust, impatience, etc with you? take it up with T. Double check. Why do you post? to reach out. Do we really not give a crap? How much is a crap worth? In my book, I probably care much more than that, but it's a unit of currency I don't habitually use. I'd say, your posting has actually been succesfull.
I know I sound like the b"#¤% from H"#¤ but I really do know you are hurting. It screams out between every line you write. I think it is very important to confront those thoughts, though, as those lies can be very convincing and very dangerous. Every human, including you comes into this world with an inmeasurable worth invested in them that you basically would have to be a mass murderer to negate. I think that makes you worth a great deal. Certainly worth sparring black thoughts over Keep posting.

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by lonegael

((((tryingtobeme))))) Why DO you keep going?

I am only here because I brought a child in this world. If I new he wouldn't be crying for me then it would be so much easier. He is why I wake up each day, and the only reason. I could care less about anything else.

Why DO you keep going?

Ditto on above. If I knew my son would be good without me then I wouldn't be needed.

why should your therapist leave you? Has he/she expressed disgust, impatience, etc with you?

I really get along with my therapist. He has always given me his time when I am in crisis mode. There are many other feeling about my T also. I know it's wrong to have the feelings that I do, but that is how I feel. I believe everyone will leave me at some point. Everyone else has in my life.

Why do you post? Do we really not give a crap? How much is a crap worth?

I post here because I have no one else to turn too. Lately, I feel I am just to much for everyone here too. So I'm not sure why I keep posting. I guess the right thing to do is just stop and then I won't be wasting anyone else's time.

And no I don't give a crap. My life is hell, always has been, I'm trying to fix it but yet I don't get any where. I'm ready to throw in the towel and be done with it.

Crap is worth nothing, that is why I say put it out with the trash and let it to rot in the landfill. No one cares any ways.

[Briester]

Tryingtobeme,

It's obvious you're going through a tremendous amount of pain now. I read your profile and saw your primary concern (sec., etc.) It is an extremely difficult condition to have to face on a day to day basis. You said the only reason you stay is for your son and that's very admirable to have so much love for him. I know you must realize that there are people who don't care nearly as much for their children as you do considering you childhood which I gleamed from your profile and other posts.

From my own experience I have had people leave my life and it's destroyed me. I'm an only child and my mother, my best friend, passed away due to complications from cancer that even though she really knew what was happening, did not even go to the doctor until it was already too late to do anything really for her.

Your fear of people leaving your life can be real but please try to understand that everyone at some point in time has to leave us. We can hold on as tightly as possible but the result is the same. Your therapist must realize you have this fear too even if you don't talk about certain things to him. They are much more aware than many people think. Try to look at it this way, when he does "leave" then it should be a time to celebrate because it will mean YOU no longer NEED his services since you're better and there's nothing else he could do to help. Also try to remember that even though we form tight bonds with T's, they are paid professionals and if for some reason the money stopped coming, they most likely would stop therapy.

On your above note too, you are NOT too much for anyone here. Nobody is forced to read posts or reply but we do so because we care, no matter how difficult it is to believe that at this point in time. Also, I'll speak for myself to say in no way shape or form do I feel you waste my time. I'm sure everyone else would agree with me too. I have found this board and others similar to be full of some of the most compassionate people I've ever not met in person. We all have our reasons for coming here and sharing our time with others we feel could help us or use a bit of love and "good energy."

I'm not one for too much "sappiness" (well maybe I am) but to you and everyone else who have such sweet and wounded souls I want to share this quote with you and know I mean it from the bottom of my heart. We are all related and all hurting whether we admit it or not. You, dear tryingtobeme, are very much cared for and appreciated.

But I hope must of all that you understand that even though I will never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

[lonegael]

TRying to be me, that's not the kind of posting that "crap" inspires. Neither would you care about your son as much as you do if you were crap. So send the thought out with the garbage, but treat yourself like the priceless person you are instead. It's not bad for you to think those things in the sense of you having to feel guilty. It's part of the disease. While you shouldn't feel guilty about it, it does need some adjustment, dear, which was why I posted as I did. A few hug in order, OK, take some for yourself and a few for your baby

[complic8d]

((((((((((tryingtobeme)))))))))))
I understand. I am only here because I have 2 children who would probably be hurt if I were gone.