[garden]

I value the feedback I get and have a question. I am surrounded by people who exhibit traits of confiding, hoping to have someone reciprocate, then relating all to another as if a game. I draw them like flies. I've mentioned the backbiting and childishness. I had someone mention to me that I was not coping; which brought about some thought on my part. My question, what makes the "negative" behavior so acceptable to others? Or, what would I gain in coping with negative behavior? Or, better yet, WOULD becoming a negative person (crossing over to the otherside) help me to cope? I don't mean to offend anyone in asking or exposing; just clarity. Thanks

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by garden

My question, what makes the "negative" behavior so acceptable to others? Or, what would I gain in coping with negative behavior? Or, better yet, WOULD becoming a negative person (crossing over to the otherside) help me to cope?

That's three questions Now I'm confused.

Someone please help.

[*freak*]

I'm sorry you have to put up with this

I notice daily a numerous amount of different negative behaviours in the people I know. That's why I don't feel safe around others and prefer to be alone. I don't understand how or why they think it's ok for them to behave like that, but I guess they have never reflected upon it: they just do what they like, regardless of others' feelings. They have probably never asked themselves whether this is acceptable or not.

I don't think "crossing over to the other side" is the solution. It's definitely not the appropriate way to cope. It would make things a whole lot easier (to act like everything's just a game, not to worry about hurting others), but I would never do it, knowing what it feels like when this kind of behaviour is directed to me.

I hope I understood correctly what you meant and didn't make a fool of myself rambling about something completely off topic

[Elana05]

hi garden,

I want to make sure I understand the kind of thing you are asking... Is it that the people who you feel like you attract are ones who confide in you and ask you to confide in them, but then use this as manipulation? Kind of like -- you tell me your problems, then I can spread them around?
I have certainly known people who did this and it's hurtul and not helpful...

garden, my solution simply is not to confide in people I cannot trust. Anyone that spreads information that I divulge no longer is trustworthy.

[garden]

Elana05 your thoughts are on target. I did ask severl questions. Freak, thanks and that's another way to look at it as well. Byzantine, I confide as little and nothing at all to types I've mentioned.

I watched the Amazing Race tonight and wound up kind of angry. I thought the idea was a game for clues, etc. and not about behaviors. Clearly you can't leave luggage or backpacks but you can be as rude as possible to other people racing for the same item. The team that won exhibited a lack of respect for anyone but themselves. The "models" team backstabbed everyone in site and both teams were verbally abusive. The one team, I believe, that was a shoe in came in second, the cowboys. In watching the show, I came to the conlusion that the guys who won were takes who cut in front of the other passengers, cursed the cabbies and threatened to punch one on the face and did their best to ensure they won. I see abuse as a weakness. So what I've come to is that I'm glad you all are around, that you gave feedback and just let me know with courtesy. We;re in the minority. But I'll take it.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((garden))))

I think that going to the other side (negative) is not the answer. Think about how you want to be treated and then if you were to go to the other side, you would be treating others that way you did not want to be treated. Stepping on whatever to get to where you want to be not caring or feeling others feelings or possibly even in doing that hurting yourself more. I think that to trust someone then that trust is broken I would not trust them again. Telling someone something and then them using that against you is just not right. Why ask them in the first place?

There is enough hurt in the world without intentionally hurting others. I think taking care of you is important. Being who you are and sticking with what you know and feel to be right. I have had others that do that, ask you things and then use it against you. It is just wrong. I think you are a good person that does not do this.

You asked what makes negative behavior so acceptable to others? I think that we have lost so much today and so many people do whatever they want or can to get by with things or to get what they want. I think it has started way back when people were younger and they were not accountable for their actions and so growing up they continued. Later, they accept what they know and if it was not wrong to them then many times it is not wrong now. Many times people do negative behavior because negative attention is better than no attention at all. So many do not get the attention they need so they act out in order to get anything.

The show you watched I have seen before and they do things that are not right to get where they need to be. I think that is instilling the negative behavior and even at times a cheating behavior to take the prise. I do think it is right and what are we teaching others in those games we watch?

I hope that you get answers to your questions. I 'm not sure I have said anything but I am thinking of you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[feddy]

Garden,

I couldn't agree more with was darkpurplesecrets said. I try and live my life with as little negativity as possible. When I was younger and my depression was at its peak, I was a nasty person. I was angry and impulsive and untrustworthy. It was just as dps said. The only attention I believed I could get was negative attention and so I would pick fights with everyone I knew, which caused me to lose friends and hurt relationships with loved ones and risk the love of those who were closest to me. I really did believe that it was the only way I could get what I wanted and more important, the only way I could be seen. My anger overwhelmed everything and negativity was the only emotion I knew how to express. If there was a secret, I would tell it to as many of my "friends" as I could, because I knew it would earn their "trust" and get me closer into their circle. My life was one big, dark cloud.

After I came out of that episode, it took me many years to earn back the trust of my family. Because they loved me that much, it was possible, but it took a long, long, long time for them to trust me completely and even to this day, there is still the odd barb thrown (it's been 10 years.) So, that's why I think some people chose to live their lives negatively...because they don't think they have a choice.

Today, I chose to live with as little of it as possible. If someone confides in me, what they have said goes no further. As a result, I know so many things about people and find that sometimes, people tend to tell me the craziest things!!! Today, I believe in honesty and living with integrity. Karma is my mantra - you get what you give. I have surrounded myself with people who have the same values and my life is much better for it. I have far fewer friends but they are much better people.

Not sure if this answers your question but I felt so connected to the question having lived it.

Feddy

[mormat]

Originally Posted by garden

I value the feedback I get and have a question. I am surrounded by people who exhibit traits of confiding, hoping to have someone reciprocate, then relating all to another as if a game. I draw them like flies. I've mentioned the backbiting and childishness. I had someone mention to me that I was not coping; which brought about some thought on my part. My question, what makes the "negative" behavior so acceptable to others? Or, what would I gain in coping with negative behavior? Or, better yet, WOULD becoming a negative person (crossing over to the otherside) help me to cope? I don't mean to offend anyone in asking or exposing; just clarity. Thanks

Negative people bring you down to their level. Find new friends. Be up front when people are negative, let them now how you feel about being negative to others. You'll find that those same people will be saying negative things about you when you are not around. Negative people have low self-esteem.
Walk away from it at work, or anywhere. Coping??? It's your life, why should you have to cope? There are plenty of positive people out there, and they will become your true friends. Negative people are usually not successful, and if they are, they have no true friends, even their spouse.
Your better than they are, stick to your principles.

Best, Jerry

[LaCaBe]

I've read each of your posts in response to Garden and the struggles with what I think is as DPS put it, manipulative behaviors defined by Garden as negative. I watch Nurse Jackie and have questioned myself about my working personality and character every episode including the one I watched last night.... maybe had I been more like her, talked more like her, pushed people around more like her... even took drugs like her to cope (injured backs happen in health care, period) instead I was more like Zoe, but my appearance (I've been told) was that of someone superior, so apparently I blindly give off mixed messages. Manipulators and preditors know exactly how to use others and can see a weakness or default in an new york milisecond. In the center of being "two faced" one the perfectionist pleaser do anything for anyone, the other apparently the educated seasoned responsible leader type there lies a very self destructive core value that resounds with your questions (Garden). In my case, when someone was being railroaded unfairly I found it impossible to stand by and watch it go down... I stood up, stood by the accused, too many situations and lost jobs as a consequence to count repeating the behavior to my own detriment, determined to the end that good would win over evil. It didn't, it doesn't and still to my disbelief at my own demise, I'm where I am, a shattered broken person, my own fault and still looking for how to change, trust, believe in and cope among the natives who seem well able to thrive, work and party with friends. I'm with Garden... so greatful for your posts and support, answers to focus on, yet confused with the decades of failures.... it's very hard not to give up on yourself.

[Elana05]

It is interesting to take a look at one's self and think about how you come across -- or what traits seem desirable in other people. I used to be either one of two ways; when I was tired or depressed I would come across as weak or a doormat. When I was feeling stronger I could come across as cold and *****y, since I was able to put up a defense. I think now I'm trying to be much more honest with who I really am. Not easy, though.
Since we are on the subject of TV...
One person who's traits I admire is Mike Holmes from "Holmes on Homes" on HGTV. He is tough, but caring - he comes across as honest and patient but not willing to take any cr*p... Like he expects people to live up to the golden rule, because it's just the right thing to do. I guess I'd like to emulate him. Tough and caring.

[garden]

Hi all. The responses are really interesting. I agree that depression evokes waves of ups and downs. I guess it all depends on how quickly one eludes negativity and that depends on the coping. I guess I don't want to believe the depth of insensitivity so rampant today. Since seeing Steele Magnolias, I wanted to incorporate the endearing love and guts of Shirley McClain's character, Weezer . . .to hear someone say that's just Garden as a fact and nothing else, minus the balding dog. But then I would need a few cuss words to go along with that persona. I only have one good cuss word which I save for driving.

It's like this self awareness thing has been happening now for about six months. In some respects I'm just waking up though fully grown physically. With each step I have awareness, questions????, down time, memories and back on the path again. Just two nights ago I had a recollection of events I'd tucked away, that painfully flood back so much that I wrote them down. Once written I noted that the 8 events occured between the ages of 13 and 24 all dealing with trust. I know what I learned but what was I SUPPOSED to take away from it all (ha). As stated in this thread, I'm coping in the best way I can, until I know better.

[SophiaG]

if we were all cruel and manipulating, there could be no trust.

[garden]

SphiaG, thank God you're right.

[Mike_J]

As Babysteps pointed out you asked three questions so let me try to answer them one at a time.
1) “My question, what makes the "negative" behavior so acceptable to others?”
I don’t know that it is acceptable but I think there are two different reasons why it is so common. Some people actively engage in it in order to tear other people down to make themselves feel better. Other people go along with it because they are afraid of becoming the target of the bullies that are all around us.
2) “Or, what would I gain in coping with negative behavior?”
Nothing, other people’s negative behavior is something to be avoided not something you should expend energy trying to cope with.
3) Or, better yet, WOULD becoming a negative person (crossing over to the otherside) help me to cope?
NO! What would help is first don’t let yourself get sucked into this game. And if possible confront not only the bullies but those that go along with them, point out how weak and petty they are.

[garden]

Mike J, you said it right. I'm working on just that not getting sucked in. I struggle with remaining objective but I'm working on it. It's so clear the way you place it, not like "just say no" but "don't even go there."

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-TRUTH-...ughts&id=38137
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pos...9/METHOD=print

[garden]

Byz, thanks for the links. The Standards are on target. The Mayoclinic info is one I do a lot for positive thinking. I'm waking up, coming in to my own and having that loner thought, it sometimes gets muddled and all the positive thinking in the world doesn't set it straight until talking it out. It's like what if all the progress I've supported myself on is not the way to go. Not a "rush to the T" thing. When I reach out here I get view points, get a totally new way of approaching whatever puzzles me, get to mull it over and I get to look at myself. Better yet I lose the vicariousness. I trust what I get here.

Keep working it, garden. Good luck.