Hello Fellow Depressives

I think so too Bobbi. You and I could be the best of friends in real life if we lived close to each other. Its nice to know you here but it would be even nicer to know you in person. I appreciate your life wisdom too.

I know what you mean about living by the golden rule yet feeling the only one some times. Perhaps that speaks to some hypersensitivity we have that others don't. Maybe we feel more or take things more personally then the average person. It has often puzzled me. Sometimes through hurt tears or angry lonliness. Either way it often makes me feel an alien in the world.

Same with the self love and respect. It seems hard to come by. It seems something life can beat out of us if we don't fight back. I am like you. I give better advice then I take into myself. It is easier to see what another should do then it is to see or do what is best for me. Martyrdom seems to come easy to me. lol.

I think being authentic is all about self love that in its turn breeds a self knowing that is expressed with a kind of self confidence. Being comfortable and content with your own company goes with it. I am good alone. In fact I think I am better alone then with people for too long at a time. Many have noted that I am 'jealous' for my time.

I like being alone. I like having time to myself, control of my own time. I think that is why I have never been very good in a relationship. I feel so crowded and controlled. I feel like I am always doing for the other and denying time to do for myself or be by myself.

My ex says that about me. He never understood my need for alone time. I never understood his need for a constant companion. Even while he was visiting the last few days when evening would roll around I would retreat to my room where I would write and watch my own tv or read or come online or work on a project or just be with my own thoughts. He would be left alone in the living room to watch tv by himself since our son was usually online playing games with his friends. My ex made a few comments about it but my days of doing for him all the time are over so I didn't change my ways and deny my need for private time just to make him happy. I figured I had been doing for him all during the day so I deserved and took my own time when I could.

I think that is where the habit of staying up later and later came from. When the rest of the house would sleep I would get to enjoy my private time. I spent most of my teenage years alone. My siblings and father had moved out when I was 14 leaving me and my mom at home. My mom was in the hospital more then she was home so I was there alone a lot. Even when she was home she would be passed out from her medications more than not. I never wanted people over and I couldn't leave her alone so I just kept busy doing my own thing. Even when she wasn't there I preferred my own company to that of friends. I was very social at school but home was my private space. I am the same now. I will often not answer the door or even the phone if I don't feel like seeing or talking with anyone.

See we have the gift of gab in common too. lol. You are easy to ramble on with. Take care.

OH and another thing has occured to me. When you were going to therapy and your husband was complaining that you were "changing" and that it cost too much.

He was trying to get you not to go because he was afraid he'd lose control of you and wouldnt be able to manipulate/abuse you anymore.

That's all that was.

He was upset that his little world in which he takes advantage of you would come crumbling down and he couldnt stand the thought of you actually standing up to him, looking him square in the eye and saying "I'm not taking your **** anymore!" (which really is what should happen)

You really are too good for all of this crap he makes you put up with.