Hello Fellow Depressives

YEAH i REMEBER THAT ONE! actually I heard on the radio yesterday, that's a coinkydink. lol

Hello and Welcome to PC!

Well dear friends, had a set back the yesterday early evening. Was in the chat room and a topic came up about cutters, and people of that nature and I started feeling really bad, guilt about my daughters. You my oldest is bi-polar and my youngest is borderline personality disorder/she cuts her self, not sure what that is called. But it is very disturbing, and frightening. I'm so affraid one of these times she will go to far.

I feel so guilty about it because I believe that they genectically pre-dissoposed. Also, I wasn't their for them while growing up. First time I am admitting this. Boy is this hard.

(((((( bobbi416 ))))))

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better and better.

I see signs in my son sometimes that really worry me and I feel so guilty for so many things about my parenting and lack of parenting. We do the best we can Bobbie. No matter what the circumstances we do the best we can. You may not have been there with them when they were growing up but you sound present now. Your love for your children is pretty obvious to me.

It is heartbreaking isn't it to have to watch our childen suffer. No limit to what we would do to ease their pain. If only we could do more then love them. Love never seems enough but if you think about it, love is more then enough when it comes from a mother.

Be kind to yourself Bobbie. Wishing you blessings of sweet kindness and acceptance.

Well Sanity here goes nothing, loosing my children really started this whole nightmare of "my life". I grew up in a very abusive family. But when I was growing up being afraid of your parents was "normal" for most of us. That old saying just wait til your father gets home, was a horror for me and my younger siblings. My father was an abusive alcholic and addict. He never held a steady job so my Mom always worked 2 jobs as long as I can remember. My Grandmother "faternal", pratically raised us. I adored her, and I was her favorite. But I didn't remeber the sexual abuse until I was about seventeen. When my father introduced me to Pot, he was stoned and started pawing me and telling how much I looked like my mother, he even called me be her name and kissed me pationately, which totally freaked me out. I ran away. But that night I had a really bad dream of him slobering all over me when I was a small child. It was kinda like watching a movie, starring me and him.
Well that really freaked me out and I went to stay with my grandmother but never spoke of it to anyone, until I started therapy in my late 20's, I was married the first time at 19 and of course I married a man who was verbally abussive in the 2nd years of marriage, but during the first year, I started having reocurring dreams "nightmares" of my father abusing me. To this day I never remembered specific acts, but enough that I new I had been sexually, phsycially, and emotional abused by my father and friends of his. So that set the rollercoaster in motion.

So in the 2 nd yr of marriage my husband started drinking heavily, he always drank but not to the point of total intoxication. Then he started staying after work and going to the bar with who knows who. At that time I was very timid and kept to myself, I was isolated and my family never cared for him. But as I was preparing for my escape, I got pregnant. I didn't even know I was pregnant for the first 3 mos, cause my cycle was normal. But one night he pushing me down the stairs and I started cramping and bleeding, I was taken to the hospital. That's when I found out that I was pregnant. Things settled down quite a bit after that until the baby was born, my first. I had postpartuim depression. I was always scarred waiting for the day......well he started claiming the baby wasn't his, and so on.

One day my neighbor came over while he was at work, she heard me and the baby crying. She saved my life. We sat and talked, like amother and daughter would. She said I know what's going on over here, and I just wanted to let you know that if every I needed that she would help me in what ever way she could, We lived in twin row so our housed were conected. And we came up with a plan, if needed. well that weekend he came home stinkin drunk, baby was about 8 mos old. It was 3am, he pulled me out of bed from a sound sleep and punched me in the face, screaming and yelling, and I managed to get away from him, and ran accross my fron lawn as he was chasing me with a real sword that I had on the wall (my grandfather's from the civil war)
yelling at the top of his lungs, I'll kill you *****, and some other choice words which I can not say here. But you get the picture. My neighbor had already called the policy and they came with sirrens blarring, as I was running into her house the cops stopped him on the lawn, with guns drawn, as I was hiding in her bedroom closet.

Well, you get the picture, they only kept him overnight because his parent posted his bail, and while I was at work the fallowing day he came and took my daughter from the sitters. And that was the beginning of my loosing everything, my child my home and my sanity.

I will continue this later, it is almost 2 am. Got to get some sleep.

Thank you for sharing Bobbie. I am so so sorry you had to live through so much abuse. Good idea to take a break from telling it. Try now to brush away some of the feelings this may be stirring up for you. Actually brush it off. Where ever on your body you may be holding the stress, wave your hand over it and scoop it up and over your head. Throw it away. Take some time to focus on your breathing. In with positive energy, out with the stress. Remember you are safe now. You are a survivor. Feel the relief of letting it go. Let sharing be a good thing for you.

I appreciate you Bobbie and wish you well. Think sweet thoughts before going to sleep. Sweet, safe and peaceful thoughts. See what is most precious to you and dwell upon it as you fall off to sleep. Sleep well hon. Catch up with you tomorrow.

hello I am very new my self. 33 year old female with so much hope

My Dearest Sanity, thank you so much. I know that helping others get through there stressful moments in life can be rewarding, but at the same time detrimental. I hope that I'm not triggering anything for you, but you have been a great friend and I appreciate you vary much, respect is a strong word for me and for me to tell someone that I respect them means a great deal. I RESPECT YOU VERY MUCH! You have been kind, thoughtful, and theraputic. Your wisdom is well recieved. You know how you get a sense off someone, you just know after a while who you can trust, for the most part anyway.
As you can see by time stamps, I don't sleep well, I either sleep way to much or not enough. I've often wondered if my DX is inncorrect or complete, although I never would give them a chance to know all the details, cause I feel as though I am being judged, (duh, isn't that what therapy is) but hindsight is 20/20 right? But while in the moments it is hard to think rationally. To be totally honest and not keep things inside, important details that are hard to talk about. I have a real hard time appreciating myself and all that I have been through. I tend to minimize everything, and don't fully comprehend the impact that it has on me, to this very day.
But being depressed on and off for so many years, you tend to not realize the little signs of depression because it is so much apart of you that it's "normal". Does that make any sence? Anyway I'm rambling, trying to avoid.......
I just wanted to let you know how much I do respect and appreciate you.
Your Friend,

Thank you Bobbie. I am touched by your words. You make me feel special.

I don't sleep very well either. Never do I sleep too much but seldom do I get more than a few hours a night if that. Every now and then I get a 7 hour sleep but the next night I will likely get none.

I have had an eventful night that I journalled on another thread. Just before I was heading off to try to sleep I had some weird stuff go on that has since passed. I now feel tired enough to sleep so will try again.

The feelings are mutual Bobbie. I respect and appreciate you too. Wishing you well. Catch you again later.

(((((( bobbi416)))))))

Love yourself, Bobbie. May you find peace.

Well, today is a really bad day I am so angry, and full of rage. I wish I new what the heck is going on with me. This rage scares the H--- out me. I feel like just ..........slow deep breaths bobbi, don't loose control.......I'M JUST SICK OF IT ALL.............I HATE MY LIFE...........I don't even want to bothered by my beloved pets.........just so tired of being the goto person all the time, why is my family so neady? But when I say no can do. They get upset with me. WHAT ABOUT ME?????
WHY CAN'T THEY SEE MY NEAD? WHY DO THEY MAKE FEEL GUILTY FOR TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF ME FOR A CHANGE? .....SO NOT FAIR.........I JUST WANT TO MAKE THE WORLD GO AWAY........WAKE-UP FAMILY, I NEED HELP.........

about the ranting. Just having hissy fit. I took a xanax and went to sleep. Now I'm just tired. Again sorry!

Hello, Bobbi. No need to be sorry. Talking about what is bothering you can be cathartic. What is it about your life that needs to be changed? Do you ever get to see your children?

Please look after yourself first: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/boundaries

You have had so much happen to you right from the start. You are such a courageous, resilient person, Bobbi. Believe it.
http://familydoctor.org/online/famdo...ental/782.html
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/ment...nal_health.htm
http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sel...9/METHOD=print

Please rethink being open and forthright in therapy. Unless you are, a good result cannot be achieved. Allow the therapist to give you his/her best work. Talk about everything that happened. What have you got to lose?

I know I get preachy. Even so, you have been dragging around this ball and chain for a long, long time. Get rid of it.

Good luck.

Thanks so much Byz, your links are very informative, I am going back to therapy.
I really do need to help myself. I am definately a people pleaser, have been since childhood. I am the oldest of 4 children, and became their protector, and mother figure. Since mom was always working. But I don't blame her because she did the
best she could for us. Trying her best to keep us all together. My father never paid
support, or even was a part of our lives after their divorce. But to this day I do not talk to my father, and I resent him and all that he did to us growing up. This includes abusing my mother. So I am the classic adult of a totally disfunctional, abusesive, acholic/addict, father.

This has caused my life to be a total train wreck, I often wonder how I have managed to survive this long. The will to live is a powerful thing. So as far as self esteme, and all the boundries that should be in place, are not. Everything I've done has been expected of me, and very seldom have been praised or told that I did a good job. My childhood was based on fear, and reacted in a defencesive manner with most things.

I believe that i started out not wanting to every intentionally casing any one the kind of pain that I suffered growing up, and that led me to the path of being a people pleaser. But at this point in my life and sick and tired of being taken advantage of, and the person that everyone comes to when they need something, otherwise I seldom here from them. But yet when it comes to me needing help, they always have some exscuse. I'm not included in a lot of functions, and it hurts me a great deal. The time has come for me to take back control of me and start being the selfish one. Selfish in the sense of taking care of me first.

I could go on and on, I thank you and Sanity for all your kind words and support. This place has saved my life, litterally. I will follow up on your links.
Much Respect,
Bobbi

((((((((((((((((Bobbi))))))))))))))))

Dearest You,

I wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you that it is ok for you to feel need, and to feel loved and appreciated. It IS ok for you to say no and put your arms around yourself and hug yourself.

Bobbi what a horrific life you had, and it takes years to get over things like that, sometimes it takes so much out of us just recovering that we feel drained and tired and sore from the trying.

Families and some others tend not to be aware of the pain of others when they want something themselves. But for you to be excluded from family gatherings is sad. They call you when they want something but keep you at arms length. My ex-family was like that with me. And I wasn't a raging loony, I always behaved appropriately and never drank alcohol (still don't). So I know how that makes you feel.

There is so much support and caring for you here Bobbi, never give up and keep ploughing through those things that make you angry you will win out over them eventually...

((((Hugs))))

Rhiannon

((((((Bobbi))))))))))

I have had a bit of a rough ride today so I am not up to writing much but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs.

Hi there,

I can truly appreciate how you feel, life can be so tough, day in and day out. I was diagnosed with a Depression and Anxiety Disorder and the shock of hearing that was enormous. How i felt - had a name? It was truly bizarre. In time I have learnt that its like a hole in the pavement, you walk along and fall in, slowly you start to see the hole and now after many years of therapy I can choose to walk around the hole. But there are days where the hole seems bigger than the road. Hang in, it does start to get a bit easier!

Great analogy soopasal and welcome to PC.

(((((bobbi)))))) Big hugs hun.

Thinking of you, Bobbi.

How are you doing, Bobbi?

Hey Bobbi. Thinking of you.

Hi Guys, I'm fine, my sister came down for the weekend. It was really, really good to see and spend sometime with her. I miss her dearly. Was a nice break and a chance to talk things out with her. But now she's gone home and I'm left alone with all that is my life,.

I really didn't want her to go, and have been missing her so. I'm on the verge of tears again. We are 11 mos a part in age, and our husbands are similar in character. As far as I know he's never been abusive, but can be very strange at times. His belief, and their way is to keep everything seperate. YEAH, he has issues. The main thing is he doesn't like to work, so the load is on my sister and it is taking it's toll. So we sat around all weekend,talking, playing with the dogs, and just catching up. Complaining about our husbands, and comparing their similarities.

Hi Bobbi. What a bittersweet treat. So nice you had a good visit with your sister. Too bad it couldn't have been longer. I am sure the gift will be with you for always just the same.

Stay positive and full of hope for better days and resolutions to all your wonderings. Take good care.

Having someone to talk to is so important.

Be well.