Scared

I am really scared about where I am right now. For the longest time I was fighting the good fight and felt hoeful for the future. I guess the thing that put me over the edge was the fall out of a relationship with someone that was a true love and best friend. I deserved it as I behaved horribly, did the unthinkable. Even though I know I acted out because I am ill, it matters not. The guilt I carry is overwhelming. And, I just can't take the icy stares as people in my place of business know my story.

Now I have just crawled into this hole. I have let so many things go and I feel that there is no way that I can dig out. And, even if I did dig out my life would be so incredibly unpleasant (even more than now). I am just so frightened. I set this course for myself purposely and man have I been successful. But, I had no idea that the guilt and ridicule would feel the way that it does.

Sorry for venting. I know I am stuck, in a rut.. you name it. I just feel at the end of my rope and don't even know where to start.

Vett, find some strength inside of you - it is there because you are still here and posting. You are trying although it doesn't seem that way.

Take it just a day, an hour at a time like I do. Don't look so far ahead - I am not capable of doing that now. Each day that passes is an accomplishment, remember that.

I'm down in that hole with you, and it is next to impossible to come out..........sometimes you don't even feel like trying. You are still hanging on to the rope, don't let go of it.

Remember, one day, one hour at a time. PM me if you need to.

Mary Alice

vett, you did not set this course for your life purposefully. Depression makes us do things that undermine our attempts at creating a good life. And then, the depression tells us that we are only getting what we deserve, because we did these things to ourselves. But it's all a lie that the illness tells us...I know how hard it is right now...how much those lies look like the truth...but there is still hope.

I know all too well how frightening it can be, having to pull yourself up out of that hole...again. But I know you can do it.

You can alway vent here, vett...just keep trying to tell yourself that those feelings aren't real...you deserve to have a good life, and you do not deserve to feel guilty about your illness.

*hugs*
mj

MJ..... you know on an intellectual level I can understand that I do not deserve to feel guilty about my illness. On an emotional level I often feel that the things that have happened to me are to punish me for the mistakes I have made in my life. Then, the more I think about it the more I realize that my ex girl friend told her friends about my infideilties so that they would publicly scorn me, which they have. And that what done to punish me, which it has. It is just the icing on the cake for me. And even though it may very well be "the depression" talking the reality of it is that this "depression" has created so much of a mess of my life it is hardly a life any longer.

Vett,
They say when you hit rock bottom the only way is up. It seems to me you couldn't feel much lower. Look up Vett. There must be something you see. The struggle to get out of your hole will be tough but you can only take it one step at a time. One day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary.
Many of us have been there. I have been there. The place where all my bad choices and the life I had seemed so much bigger than any solution.

It's hard to find a place to start but I think you did that today. You posted. That was a start. It was something in the right direction. It's hard to open your heart up and ask for help but you have done it. I know you are stronger than you think you are. I know you see what you want to be and how you want your life to be but I also know the road to get there seems so long.

You and I have talked before. Don't look at the big picture. You will only be overwhelmed and paralyzed. Look at one thing. focus on that and make the change. Then you will have a feeling of accomplishment and a little more courage to take on the next.

It will take some time and some work but you will get there. You don't have to reach all your goals, just some of them before you start feeling better.

I believe in you Vett. I know you can make a step. You only need one.

Lots of hugs for you,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

vett, I understand that all too well...and I'm sorry if I came off a little too cut and dry. Actually, after reading heidu's very thoughtful and supportive reply, about all I can think to say is, "yeah!!! what she said!!!" : )

You know, I have so many of the same feelings you do...that I somehow made this bed of a life I now lie in, and that I don't deserve anything better. So I keep telling you that you do deserve better, and that those thoughts are not true, and not real, because I know deep down that's what I need to be telling myself.

So, I'll just keep reminding you, even though I know that you realize it on some level, and maybe it'll really sink in for both of us eventually. : )

*hugs*
mj