Why do some depressed people fake that they are fine?

What Perna said.

I also do believe that acting can be beneficial. Trying to focus on what's going on in the external world and minimizing the internal drama is one tool I use to help reframe my thoughts. I also have to function... Like others have said, there's not much choice here. For my career, I can't go around all the time being snappy or acting down. That means faking it so I can do my job well. Either I accept that or I choose a different career. I don't see this as discrimination because it's part of what I consider to be the full requirements of the job.

As for the way I speak to coworkers, friends, and family - sometimes I do say something like 'meh,' when they ask how I am. I don't completely fake it. However, I don't wish to drag others down either. I try to engage pleasantly if I can because I value these people. But most don't need to know when I'm having a major episode - it's a bit too personal. There are those who are close enough that I share these kinds of problems with, but I don't expect those who just casually know me to deal with that side of me. It can take a lot of mental and emotional energy to hear the nitty gritty details of my life and I would feel pretty selfish if I put that on everyone I met. Not to mention unprofessional.

I think for many or at least myself, I had to be okay and to perform so no one knew anything was wrong. It was the hiding and keeping the secrets to never let anyone know. It was never not there just hidden deep and away enough to not get into trouble. Even to the point of someone asking how I got that bruise, I would not show how I felt but say I fell or something. Anything to get the attention off me and to protect what I knew was not to be known.

Even now it is hard to let anyone know how I really feel. I learned very young to "Be Okay" whether I was or not. There was no question if I did not want to be hurt or abused more, and often times that was not good enough to stop it either. I think we can do what we have to do in order to be what people expect. Or even what we expect or think is expected.

Often times learning to be okay I just accepted that is how I was supposed to be. Turn off the feelings and emotions and paint on another coat of smiles and a mask that could fool the world. We sometimes get so used to what is expected that to ignore our own feelings and how we feel becomes a habit, or it was for myself.

But after everyone was gone or the night came and I was alone that is when the mask came off and the world was shut out to let down. It is not right or okay but it was how I had to be to keep safe and to keep those that expected me to just be okay and let it go at a length that I felt I could even be. Often leaving myself to another within that could be okay and do what was needed to not show depression or anything else.

With each new day the mask was put back on that had to be and kept going. Sometimes it was so hard as my insides could not match what the outside mask was showing but I did what I had to do to make it through another day. That mask some days was so heavy and the more coats and layers put on the heavier it got until I just could not go on any longer, even then I just pushed myself on.

Depression is hard enough without having to perform what is expected or what we often learned when growing up. And sometimes even now though it is not neccessary to hide it or what is really expected, it is hard to really know that is it okay to let down and let anyone in. I still try to hide it a lot but at times I am getting better. (jmo)

dps

You feel too much of a burden to everyone around you being depressed all the time, and you don't want to have people disappointed with you either. Faking it just makes things soooo much easier.

That's kind of how I feel. I have family coming for Xmas and yet instead of looking forward to seeing them again, I am beginning to dread it. and not only immediate family but all of my brother's in-laws too. tons of them. people I hardly know anymore. and I just realized why I feel this way--none of them, including my sibs, have any idea or understanding of what I have been through so I know that I will have to put on that 'happy' face again. I really just want to hide at home...or I wish I could just write them a note explaining how I feel and just give it to them..but I am not that brave...yet...

I do it all the time too.... Fake it.. I guess its just how i deal with it... I don't talk about it much either.. I just started opening up to my wife about it... 2 years later...but its hard for me to talk out my feelings they like to be inside..

Seether - Fake it

Because it's easier to just act like nothing is wrong. Not everyone understands how depression really affects a person. People think we can just press a button & be happy, but it doesn't work like that.

I act like nothing is wrong all the time, I am used to putting my happy face on Just keep smiling I find it easier that way, If I get asked how are you? I always say "fine thank you" Only my husband knows about my mental illness too out of my family as I know my family wouldn't understand.

I was brought up to pretend everything was okay. I've spent my whole life convincing everyone that I was fine, my family was fine, everything was fine - at one point I even managed to convince myself that I was fine! However that didn't last long.

There's a whole load of reasons why:
- stigma
- shame
- fear that the knowledge of my depression will be used against me (which has happened)
- people telling me to pull myself together, that I have no reason to be like this
- people telling me to fake it 'til I make it and I will feel better
- I don't want to waste my life doing nothing because I'm depressed, so I force myself to achieve things
and probably many more but I can't think right now.

I've completely accepted the fact that I'm expected to pretend everything is fine at least 95% of the time. The problem I have is going to medical appointments for help. I'm used to being a depressed-person-pretending-to-be-okay, but then I go to medical appointments eg T and pdoc and don't know how to open up properly. I can't just be a 'depressed-person'. I go to these appointments and feel like I'm a depressed-person-pretending-to-be-okay-pretending-to-be-a-depressed-person and I just feel completely fake. It's messed up...

*Willow*

I just remembered the reason my mother gives for always denying there is anything wrong, and pretending everything is fine--she has this weird belief that saying something will bring it to pass. Therefore, if she denies the existence of any abuse, addiction, mental illness or other dysfunction, and keeps saying our family is healthy and perfect, that will make it so.

because T tells me I'll feel better if I pretend everything is great......I don't know about that but I do pretend because I don't want to drag other people down with me.

To be honest, I do it so I can maintain my relationships with people.

I consider some people good friends in my life, but I doubt they will understand the pain that comes with depression. Depressions involves very unhappy/negative experiences, and negativity in my social life can ruin my relationships.

I don't hold a grudge against them though. If I really need to talk I can do it on a forum or with a therapist.

I do it all the time and I do it cause I don't want people asking questions as I don't necessarily know the answer(s) to. Also sometimes it gets tedious for people to see/hear you down again and tedious for you to keep saying your depressed.

Well that's my out take on it lol!

Oh my. I've done the "fake it" routine for so long that most days I actually forget that I am diagnosed with depression!

For me, I guess maybe it is working. But I won't assume it will work for everyone.

Ack, I had this exact same issue! I dealt with it by being very analytical and talking 'about myself', almost from an outside point of view. It must have been very strange for someone to sit there watching me smile like a normal person while talking about suicide. Unfortunately, I had a t who didn't catch on well to this being an act that I just didn't know how to turn off, and she tended to feed into it rather than actually addressing my issues. I get why she did it and what she was thinking, but I probably should have explained myself a bit better.

I can also identify with what some of the above posters have mentioned regarding 'having to keep it a secret' and learning how out of necessity. I lied like mad at my school, because I saw what happened to kids who didn't. Our pediatric mental institute was extremely bad and I knew I would not only ruin my life but that of my family if I was put there. I also knew what tended to happen to kids in the foster care program and felt I was better off at home where I knew how things usually worked. It was also just ingrained in me as a child to 'keep your head down and your mouth shut,' so I think that has a lot to do with it as well. It's a lot to work your way back from and that takes time.

IMO, WeepingWillow put it perfectly!

There are so many reasons why I fake being fine ~ as well as consequences, like having a hard time opening up when I do go to see my T! That's why I bring my journal with me to therapy & simply read what I've written to the T. That helps me open up a little. A heck of a lot better than the days that I forget to bring my journal!

It's about preservation.

• Self preservation - if I don't assume that mask when I leave the house in the morning, I venture out into the world with all nerve endings raw and prickling. It somehow provides a little bit of breathing space.
• Preservation of others - I feel the need to protect my husband and mum from how bad I feel. I've put them through enough over the years. Mum in particular just does not understand. Those close to you are caught up in your depression as much as you sometimes.
• Not freaking out people I work with - if every time someone said 'Hello, how are you' and I told them the truth, people would start to give me a very wide berth. On the other hand, when things have piled on top of me and I feel like I'm choking, I have blurted out 'I feel hideous' to people I don't know very well and they've been great. I don't do that on a regular basis though.

And because tomorrow might be better. I might be having a crapulous week...but I might start to not hate myself and my life so much in a few days. I don't want people to panic. Or to put me in hospital.

Vibe, I have the same problem. From my experience people believe your body language over what you say eg if you look awful/are crying but say you're "fine" people don't believe that you are okay, and vice versa. The number of Ts and Pdocs I went through who thought nothing much was wrong with me is astounding. They completely bought my professional appearance (I always had to arrange appointments around Uni and so wore smart clothes as I was on placements) and my fake smiles and forced eye contact, even when I was talking about how I was self-harming and suicidal. It wasn't until I got to the point when I was so depressed that I couldn't pretend anymore (I had psychomotor retardation) that someone took me seriously. Even now I have psychotic depression, most healthcare professionals think things are better than they are because I don't know how to stop pretending everything's fine...

It's nice to know that other people also feel fake about acting depressed with T/pdoc even though they are - I thought it was just me being especially messed up!

*Willow*

I been told my people I interact with that I seem normal and stable and strong - based on the fact I don't whine.

And I guess some others (whom I really love) want to see me as this happy and calm person who has no issues. I wonder how much of it is that they don't want me to suffer and believe that believing that I am fine/denying there could be a problem will make it okay.

How are you now?

Chocolate has always made me feel better.

i feel that they could send me away that i'll be taken away from the little happyness that i have left.

I wasn't a faker. I was a burden.

I still feel that way...

Which made things difficult for my employer but easy for my therapist.

In fact, my first employer sent me to my first therapist. The squeaky wheel gets the grease!