Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

No-one can do it all. Just do what you can.

I've been crying for the last 2 days. My face was so puffy yesterday I looked like...well, I don't want to talk sh!+ on anyone or make a racist remark...so let's just say I looked BAD! My attempts at self-help seem to be met with a roadblock at every turn. I start to turn things around and finally push myself to exercise and BAM! Kidney stone (wtf? I'm only 27)
I find out the "miracle drug" Paxil interferes with my insulin regulation AND causes f'ing kidney stones so I have to transition off that and, yay, apparently it's one of the hardest antidepressants to come off of...I am bedridden/ home-hospitalization for the kidney stone and I can't shake the urge to down the bottle of Percs they gave me. My husband is driving himself crazy working multiple jobs AND taking care of me and all my responsibilities for me...and we still have $0 for food, medication, or even the measly Netflix subscription which is my last ditch coping distraction from suicidal thoughts. Why? Why why why. why am I destined to be a burden, always?

Tired (for no good reason) and depressed. Seroquel doesn't seem to do anything.

Not sure today. Daughter here. Still having SU thoughts and wondering whether I should discuss them in therapy or not. Don't want to be seen as manipulative or attention-seeking. Just read old records which totally depressed me.

I've been very down today and having sui thoughts. Thankfully I see t tomorrow morning. My doc finally called with the results of my last infertility test. It's looking like my h and I are going to have to do artificial insemination to get pregnant. I will know for sure after my test on Wednesday.

Still not feeling well but trying to get some things done.

If I were any lower than I am, I would be a puddle.

I am awfully depressed.

Doing good, still isolating, which means I'm doing better than if I wasn't isolating. 6 days since I've left home and that was for a T appointment. It worrys them but not me. I have a harder time when I am forced to leave and deal with the world. Home is a womb. Strange, I used to be so social and now I don't miss it at all.

Checking in doing really well still. May be on the way to getting some help with my dental issues....keep your fingers crossed for me please that it all works out I really need it.

Huge Hugz All
Nams

I am still so low I could pass for roadkill.

Doing okay. Still getting annoyed about things at work but haven't exploded or similar recently.
I also seem to enjoy my free time again and love spring. Thoughts of my usual worries are not so nagging at the moment. So good to be better on the whole.

Doing ok but life still sucks. indecision, loneliness, etc...

Long, cold, boring day.

Yesterday I was very SU, but I toughed it out, cried a lot, took 2 showers, talked to my husband, and watched 21 Jumpstreet...and today...my kidney stone's hurtin, I'm still having dead-pulses thru ma head from Paxil Wthdrwl, and I still look like sh!+, but I don't want to die and I love my husband too much to hurt him like that.
And writing and reading these forums also helped me survive.
Thank you all for that

I think a human being needs a certain minimum of acceptance to feel like it's worth going on with making an effort. I think I'm a little short of the minimum in my off-line life. So here I am and grateful for the support of PC.

Trying to be productive in this day.

I'm a bit pissed at me. I know I prefer to stay in my world but when I tell someone I'm going to be somewere I like to keep my word. Watched a movie SnowFlower and the Secret Fan, until 4am then still couldn't sleep so started watching the movie Take Shelter, but it was getting too dark so I stopped and switched to reading The Suble Knife, the second of the Golden Compass books. Still couldn't sleep, the alarm went off at noon---I fell asleep!!! And missed the apontment with a woman who was going to help me with getting up-dated technology for Deaf people. I don't even have the most basic DEAF tech. Mostly because of cost. But if I want to get back out in the world and face my fears I have to have more than an email for people to contact me with. Really, really ticked off with ME. I woke up at 4:30PM.
I think the breathing problems I kept having everytime I laid down were due to anxity. (no I'm not obese-there's no physical sleep problems)

I feel so sad. Today was a good day, tonight, anything but. I already felt anxious bc the person I've fallen for (who I am not currently "with" nor dating, but am talking to) is going through so much in her life, but made the mistake to ask her how she's been, which led to underlying issues, which led to my depression and how the uncertainty in that situation has made me so anxious and depressed. I'm so upset and sad that I led myself into that situation, and am now self medicating with some alcohol to get through the night and wake up (probably even worse) in the morning for work...

Happy that I took today off from work. It feels so good to be sitting here in my pajamas in a recliner on my lab top listening to music. Maybe today will finally be a good day.

wow, my life is really empty...no way to fill it...really worried

My interview went well today but I'm more problematic on my typing skills. I blame my shaky hands...

Feeling so bad that I cancelled my appointment with my P'doc. I am just so tired of talking. I also disconnected the phone. Going back to bed. Its 1pm.

Gonna be a long day.

can't hang on much longer