Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

I went to see a therapist today. He told be to consider the pros and cons of getting a job.

He said "Why don't you think about getting a job temporarily."

My reaction is "Why don't I think about getting a job permanently, at least until I am 62 - AND - since that is such a viable option, why did I even put in a claim for SSDI?"

He said, "You're able bodied and educated."

I feel very bad about myself, worse than I did before I had my appointment with him.

Sounded to me like the old "Let them eat cake."

Why doesn't every American whose without income, due to not having work, whether disabled or not, just GO GET A JOB - you know - at least, temporarily.

I don't know if it will be wise to continue seeing this therapist.

The main thing is, I feel so lousy. I feel like I have more mental turmoil than I know how to handle. I just want to go to bed.

Reading books to make me feel better today.

I'd say this has been a boring day so far. I was feeling exhausted and had to take a really long nap.

I think it is time to find a T because I feel my emotions are bubbling up to the surface. Almost every conversation I have with people is either tinged with sadness or I end up venting a little. I need to talk to someone so badly. Journaling is not enough. My sis keeps telling me I need to move on. (aaarrrgh) I just lost a potential job because I got so depressed before and during the interview and I know it probably showed. I feel stuck. But I dread looking for a T. How to find the right one? I have tried a few in the past but none felt right. and then probably a long wait for the appointment. I have tried to cope on my own but this time it is not enough...

Hey Rose, for what it's worth I just want to say I really appreciate you sharing with us in detail what you are going through. I wish I could do that but am not there yet..

Sad. Crying a lot. Should have kept my weekly (instead of biweekly) appts with my T. Wondering how I'm going to get through work the next 3 nights without making a fool of myself by being tearful and/or angry.

My feelings are starting to turn into a lot of anger. I've been fighting myself and battling myself not to do anything stupid, I haven't been fully successful. I'm not letting my feelings out, I just don't know how to just do that and its starting to turn into a lot of anger, I'm constantly looking for a fight, and to top it off I'm so just... Ugh! I don't even know. I'm just so numb and angry I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling I can't identify it all....

I do okay in the morning when I see my boyfriend and we usually have a friend sleeping our couch so in those two hours that we are together I do pretty good. But then they both leave for their jobs and then it's just me all alone with nothing to do and no plans. (Why don't I plan something? I don't know!) So now I am not doing very well. I can feel myself plummeting.

Too bad you don't live in Michigan. I work nights; after they go to work, you could come have breakfast with me after I get out of work. But seriously, I understand, although I don't have anyone who shares my space. Really wish I did. Just two little cats.

Cried last night, cried again today. Talked to my aunt about it but she didn't understood on how I feel. I might as well go for an online counseling later.

Just found out that my friends went on a mini vacation today. It makes me sad that I wasn't even asked and angry because I have been asking them to go on a mini vacation with me for 2 years now. I feel like my relationships with my friends don't matter to them as much as it matters to me.

Unfortunately, I've been there too.

Ughhhh....cramping and bloated and gross.

I'm ready to give up today. I've had enough. I'm done trying to make everyone happy just to make my own thoughts happy, especially when its never enough. I could take a bullet to the brain for someone and my head would still tell me it doesn't make me good enough to be here. No matter what I do or how hard I try, even if I accomplish what I was told. When its all said and done its still not enough, I'm not enough... I'll never be worth while and my head ensures to tell me just how worthless I am everyday. I'm just sick of all the head games..

((((ALL OF MY DCer's))))
Just got a call that my one Grampa was taken into hospital this am and its looking like he may not come home. I can't go to the hospital to say G'Bye I have never been able to do that. He knows this as it was the same when Gramma passed 10yrs ago.....I told him a long time ago how I felt and he said he understood and respected it. I can deal with that but the waiting for that phone call is tough.

Have a wonderful day all.
Nams

Oh, Nams, I'm so sorry to hear that. You are in my thoughts. Let me give you a hug.

High anxiety levels today. Had to be honest with someone, which meant rejecting him (hopefully in the nicest way possible) as a partner. This might partly be my phobia of relationships, but I think it also wouldn't be right for me - feelings, instinct etc. tell me that. I just hope he won't freak out or do something crazy. :-( Not feeling good now, but I had to be honest and if it was in an email. Just because I want to be with someone, I can't really be with someone who it doesn't feel right with.

Hi Nams, I'm sorry about your grampa As for you not going to the hospital, my ex was the same way. When his sister was in the hospital with leukemia, he hardly visited her if ever. I then got some mail from the Leukemia Society and it explained how different people handle death/impending death in different ways. We all understood that that was how he was and respected that. His sister knew he loved her anyways. ((((Hugs)))

Xeneon, I've been there too. I hope you will meet new friends who will care back.

I told a friend last night I was disappointed in her lack of support for something. I said it in a nice way and I have no regrets. Communicating like this is foreign to me because I was always afraid to lose friendships but I just need to stand up for myself. I have friends who call and only talk about themselves and then when I try to talk about my problems, they lose interest and I just want to say "Hey, what about me????". I know they care but I need to tell them how I feel. It's good to clear the air. and if they are not true friends, then so be it. I hope they will do the same if something about me is bugging them.

I have also decided that when I find a T, I won't expect to be "cured". I just need to let my feelings out so badly.

Good for you, TerryL. It takes courage to stand up for yourself and make your voice heard and your needs known to others. It's great that you can do this.

today i am worn out...just want to feel safe around my self... so i could focus some of my energy on getting better rather then it all on keepin my self safe.,,

Me too. I'll bet that's common with a lot of us. I sometimes wonder if I need to learn not to wallow in self-pity, or if I'm too negative, and blah blah blah...on and on blaming myself or if it's just that most people would rather have relationships based on very surface issues. I mean, I get it. I don't want to be around depressed people at all; I don't think I could be around myself for too long either as bad as that may sound. I wonder though how many of the people who exclude us this way realize that, if they'd just stick around a bit, maybe things would be better all around...maybe... I know it would be for me...

I'm feeling down tonight, but I might just be over-tired. Negative thoughts keep creeping in. I'm feeling lonely but also a little scared to reach out.

Somewhat of a mixed feelings as of now.