Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

I don't think I am going to last much longer, I can't fight this lonely feeling anymore. When I do leave if I don't meet a good online friend before hand, I will say goodbye to you all. I promise.

Thanks for all hugs. I am still in a struggle.

You have me as a friend hun. I don't know what to say to you to make you feel a little less lonely but a hug and my heart is all can share and there is a whole lot of room in my
Nams aka Kelly

Having a horrible day... I thought it was going to be a bit better seeing as I had almost a 10hr sleep and only woke up once. I haven't slept that long in months.
I woke up feeling pretty good, then my mom messaged me telling me that my uncle is in the hospital again.. He's been in and out of the hospital with cancer issues since he was a late teen. The last time he was in the hospital I went to visit him alone and he told me dead seriously that if he ends up in the hospital one more time that he's done fighting for his life...
I'm so worried that he's not going to pull through this time, he has blood clots all through him, his kidneys are failing, he's getting full on dialysis which isn't working, his circulation is starting to fail, and he has an infection in his foot that's so bad they keep slowly removing the tissue :'(
I don't know what the f**k to do. Everytime I think that things might start to look up something even worse happens ugh!

Just finished crying because of not having enough sleep for the past five working days. Good news that my uncle will be staying here until July so there's gonna be a driver now for us.

In the dumps just looking for a way out. Don't know how much longer I can go on.

Being out of work has brought more stress on me than anything else in my life. A counselor suggested I think about trying to find work again. I can't even get passed the thought that I wouldn't be hired by anyone. (I was let go from a number of jobs. The repeated firings became traumatic.)

I've reported ups and downs here. Now it's down again, very down. I just want to go back to bed. I think I am getting worse in general. Well, I am. I don't even really want to get better. That's awful to say, I know.

Coming to PC has been the bright spot in my day. Very nice and kind things have been said to me. That does warm my heart. Now I am crying - because off-line there is relentless failure . . . and no one to say any kind thing. I am making no attempt. So what should I expect.

and over the past few days I've slid back down into very-depressed-mode

it's like geez, now I totally understand why people self medicate with illegal drugs. Not that I'd actually do drugs, I just get the sentiment of feeling like crap and nothing is working and there really isn't a way out.

just plain exhausted. I barely had enough energy to get myself out of bed this morning and now all im doing is lazing around and napping. I don't even want to think about leaving the house today, I haven't in weeks. I just can't seem to find any motivation right now

I have had no motivation to do anything this weekend.

So-so mood today.

Thanks Sesahat and everyone else.

I was so exhausted I went to bed early Thursday night and slept until Sunday am. I would wake up to feed Sir and bathroom runs but that was it. I don't know if a person can really catch up on sleep or not but I feel much better after a couple days of sleep. I also manage to avoid sugar which has to be a good thing--more and more I'm thinking my sugar addicting is directly related to my physical wellbeing. The more I have, the more I crave it and can not --not say no. If I go a day with out it it is easy to say no if I eat a bunch I can not stop. Does anyone else have this problem with sugar? It makes my mood go down, my ability to sleep disappear, my will to exercise disappear. It is like a drug to me? Kills my appetite for any other food. If I eat healthy food for a while I do not crave it, but eat it and then I can't stop eating it!

The all day Fri and Sat sleep got me off to a new start this morning, I had promised to go to a church with Anna( the manager here where I live, but don't ask, not sure where I'm at with that yet---still processing that---I'm at odds w/ religion, but need to find something to get out of the house-and they do have ASL-American sign language) but lunch after was nice, healthy food, abet most of it is sitting in frig, restaurants always give you much to large a portion to eat in one setting. Still no sugar-- 3 days! Does sleeping days count?

Just want this all to end

Fml .....

Sorry I haven't been around much. Not a whole lot to report. Just the usual ups and downs. Be well friends.

Went for another run today, and I have to admit that afterwards, while I might not be "happy", I am definitely much more calm and relaxed. I need to remember this feeling particularly on days where I am dragging myself out of bed, or like most of last week, where I wake up anxious and nervous.

Exercising is good. On the second day of being signed off work for stress I went running as well and I managed to deal with my anxiety much better.
This last week (still on sick leave) I have unfortunately done very little on the exercise front, but will try to do some again from this coming weekend and integrate it into my everyday life. Good for you that you have managed to make yourself better in this way.

When I am really stressed, thoughts of exercise pretty much go out the window. The only reason I ran today is that yesterday I was talking with my neighbor and she knows that I have started running and she said when I'm ready, we should run together. So now I have a motivation beyond exercising for its own sake - as a social outlet that I've really been missing.

My upper spine hurts. It's hard to walk much because of the arthritis in my foot and my deformed toes. I have allergies today. My tinnitis is stressing my out. (No silence, ever, in my world.) I have GI problems. I am worse and worse depressed. (Haven't left the house in days.) Anxiety had me awake for over 24 hours, till noon today. There is just about no food left in the house. No clean laundry.

What a whaaa-whaaa I am .

I had a second interview for a job I would love but I messed up due to nerves and lack of experience. I am so sad about this- I really needed this job for so many reasons- I feel like I never get a break.

Today has been better, except at work.

I had lunch with my friend and talked about things.
She has gone through a lot in her life and her brother was in a similar situation as myself. Having talked with her about these things was reassuring and for the first time ever I wasn't too proud to admit my problems to a person close to me.

A small part of me believed that things will get better after a while.

Feel low today. I feel stressed and anxious and just want to go home. I feel unappreciated. Only 7 hours left of work.

Hate my life right now. I feel more alone than ever. Financial problems and my T's sick leave. And I miss one person too much. And regret everything that I've done and left undone in my life. I have no energy to do anything anymore..

Same old same old. Not too much to report in my mood,pretty much the same.

Still sad that I got laid off but got the time to finish my freelance tasks.