Here's a list. It's the only way I could think of to describe how much my life sucks.

I feel ugly, weird looking and fat
I'm 32, I'm always single
It's been raining and cold for too long and it's making me depressed
I'm broke and I can't buy myself nice things
I'm not truly good at anything and I feel like I wasted my life
I owe the IRS, doctors, credit card companies and student loan lenders money and I can't make a dent because I make very little money
I don't know what my living situation is going to be in September
I have terrible insomnia (not only due to depression)
I am always sick or have health problems
My cat got sick because I left her in my mom's care and I had to put her down and I feel terrible about it, like I failed her, and I want to kill myself when I think about it
I'm becoming increasingly bitter and I can't hide it no matter how hard I try
I have no close family
I have a lot of casual friends but no one to talk to
I can't use drugs or alcohol to escape because I become physically ill (PLEASE DO NOT LECTURE ME for this, I don't want to hear it)
My childhood was horrible and I can't go back and change it
My 20's are gone forever
I have tattoos I hate and have been trying to remove and I can't afford it and now I have scars
I can't find a good therapist in my area although I live in NYC and have a good health plan
I hate my name and give people a fake last name because I hate it so much
I hate children and I don't want to be around them, but I don't want to be that way
I hate Republicans and what they're doing to this country
I hate that I don't have a husband to fall back on and take care of me and be my best friend

And the worst part is everyone is always telling me to "be positive" and not be so angry and negative all the time. I try so hard, but I am completely and hopelessly overwhelmed. And I hide everything because I don't want anyone to know how truly unhappy I am.

If anyone can relate to this.. well, then I feel very badly for you, because I have no idea how I'm still here and how I've gone on like this for so long.

PLEASE, NO LECTURES OR TALK ABOUT FINDING GOD. I'm an atheist and nothing is going to change that. I always have been and always will be. My problem isn't lack of religion, it's that my life sucks, plain and simple. Please preach somewhere else, I'm not here for that.

Thanks for listening.

Hello & Welcome, Coneyislandbaby!
Overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed paralyzes me. It stops me dead in my tracks - it's one of the reasons I no longer drive.
Having access to care is one thing, having access to good care another.

Have you considered financial and/or vocational counseling? Sometimes they are more help than the psychologists.

My biggest problem right now is that I just can't sleep no matter what I do. I've tried EVERYTHING, including yes hot baths, bananas, milk, melatonin, listening to relaxing music.. I just don't sleep. A few years ago I was at the point of drinking until I got drunk and at one point taking 5 Klonopins to get any sleep at all. It's been going on for years. I think he last time I got a good night's sleep was a few months ago. I was taking Trazodone, which is non-addictive, but one day it just stopped working. So now I take Xanax (if I don't take anything I won't sleep at all, I'll maybe fall asleep for ten minutes) and just now I took Adderall because the Xanax has been making me feel disoriented during the day. I am trying SO HARD to get to sleep without drugs and please believe me when I say it is IMPOSSIBLE. I don't want to take medications which is why I am not on antidepressants and try to focus on work, hobbies, biking and friends instead, but the sleep has to come one way or another.

My ultimate frustration is that yeah, I can't find a therapist who seems to take pride in their work, only one that seems to just want to get paid. I realize it's their job, but I can't deal with a therapist who is insensitive. The last one I went to began the conversation with asking me about my payment. Then she was very curt throughout and gave me such a bad impression I wanted to leave in the middle of our session.

I'm honestly not familiar with vocational therapy vs. traditional (psychologists or social workers) therapy. If you can give me some insight that would be great.

The past few months I've missed so many social events and I am losing interest in my current hobby, photography, because I just don't have the energy. It isn't helping that the sun literally hasn't shone in weeks. I feel like I'm dying piece by piece. I just don't know what the hell to do or where to begin.

Hi,
I was drawn to your post because I too make lists of things that I don't like about myself and my life. I have found a way to make these lists helpful instead of harmful and I wanted to share it with you. First of all, in my opinion, identifying the aspects of your life that you are unhappy with is actually a good thing. You have made a thorough, detailed list and my advice for your next step would be to go through that list and figure out which issues can be easily solved, which issues might be a little more difficult to deal with, and which issues are having a bigger effect on your wellbeing and, therefore, should be prioritized. After reading through your list, I recognized a few recurrent themes. First of all, it seems like you are dealing with some health issues. I can relate to that. Last year, at the height of my depression, I felt as though my body was falling apart. I was constantly ill, my weight fluctuated drastically, and I felt like I could never catch up. I know that when I finally got my health back on track, it really helped me to focus on my everyday life. My advice to you would be to focus on your insomnia. I am not sure whether or not you have met with a physician regarding this condition but I know many people who take Melatonin supplements to help regulate their sleep cycle. I also discovered a herbal supplement from Whole Foods called "Sleep and Relax". It's made by Gaia and is a wonderful natural alternative to sleeping pills. It helps me fall asleep on nights when I am too anxious to go to bed. Unfortunately, it is quite pricey so you might want to try the Melatonin first (which is typically much less expensive). You'll have to let me know if you try either of these remedies and whether or not they work for you! I do not have a medical degree, but I truly think that if you start getting a good nights sleep, your health issues will decrease. My second suggestion would be to look for an exercise program. This is something that has helped improve many aspects of my
life and I have a feeling it might do the same for you! Getting in shape has improved my self esteem and my physical health. Furthermore, I have met many nice people at the exercise class I attend two to four nights a week and I ALWAYS fall right asleep after a rigorous workout and a long shower. You said that you are not close with any of your family members and have friends, but don't feel like you can really talk to them. I am not sure what your family situation is like, so I will not try to advise you regarding it. However, as far as strengthening the bonds with your friends goes, I suggest that you try to open up to one of your friends. I too feel like, even though I know many people, there's not one person I can really open up to. However, just the other day, I was very stressed and I spilled my feelings to a girl I have known for quite a while but never really considered a close friend and she was so sweet and super helpful! As a result, I feel much closer to her and even have plans to get lunch with her next week. You also mentioned that the bad weather was affecting your mood. My first year of college, I lived in a city where it rained more than it didn't. I quickly became annoyed with the weather and it definitely brought my mood down. My advice for dealing with the weather would be to find ways to enjoy rainy days. Target has super cute (and inexpensive!) rain boots in bright colors and patterns. You could also invite a few of your friends (even if you're not super close with them) over on a rainy weekend, rent a fun movie, and have everyone bring a dish or snack for a potluck meal. I am not sure whether my advice will be of any help to you, and I also hope that it didn't come off sounding like a lecture or criticism (I hope you know that was not my intention!). What I am about to say might sound like a lecture, but I want you to know that, while you are fully capable of pushing through this and coming out stronger on the other end, you truly have a lot on your plate and you have every right to be upset. It always annoys me when others downplay my issues, so I just wanted to remind you that your issues DO matter. I hope I was able to help, even if just a little bit!

- E

Thank you so much for this, I didn't take this as sounding like a lecture at all. I also really appreciate that for once, someone is acknowledging that yeah, I have a lot of s#!t going on instead of just telling me to "stay positive" and "smile." Like it's that frickin easy!! Anyway I will consider your approach, to take one thing at a time on the list. The biggest one is insomnia, because that is the root of most of my problems, including money. It has literally put my life on hold - I haven't been able to get or keep a good job because of it. It is also the hardest, because I've already tried herbal supplements and sleep hygiene and all that stuff, and I don't have the opportunity to take time off work and stay home and basically not sleep waiting for the effects of melatotnin to kick in over a few days / weeks. Also, I have roommates, and I worry about the impression I'd make and having to ask them to let me lie in my room and be quiet. I live in Brooklyn where everyone constantly parties, and I don't want to be that crotchety old lady. I've tried, btw, to explain this to my one roommate who is an old friend of mine but she doesn't seem to really care or have anything to say. Clearly I don't have a great support system.

This is also affecting my moods and obviously my relationships and I just can't seem to attract anyone worthwhile. I hung out with a guy earlier and I'd like to see him again, but I know he isn't interested, except as friends. I know it's because I bring people down even when trying to be perky and happy and let my sense of humor come through. I also took 10mg of Adderall so I wouldn't be sleepy and lethargic. I'm so sick of rejection. EVerything is such a mess.

Regarding getting in shape - since I live in Brooklyn, I walk or bike everywhere and I don't own a car. Remarkably, it doesn't tire me out enough to sleep well, even though I walk several miles a day (and am on my feel at work all day). I am in good physical shape, but the sleep thing and depression makes me feel like lying down and just dying sometimes. I don't even have energy to socialize most of the time.

Another thing I have to look forward to - I have to have endoscopic surgery on my sinuses because I have sinus disease and can't breathe through my nose. This is happening on May 21st and I am dearly hoping it is contributing to the insomnia and surgery will alleviate some of it.

I had a friend over last night who had planned on going to a party but got blown off by her friend, so she came over and brought food (and paid for all of it). So there's that. I don't know if she would have given me a call otherwise, but it was nice that she came over and hung out with me. But I don't want to saddle her with my problems, I feel like that's all I do. So I'm saddling this message board instead I guess. Haha. Anyway thank you so much for your kind words and advice.

And yet, despite all these things, life still moves on...

do you really want to waste it focusing on these things.

life will get better for you...just a matter of time. nothing stays the same forever...bad times or good times...it constantly changes

all the best to you

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I can't give you any advice because I'm stuck in an unpleasant way of living as well and can't change it.

One thing I wanted to ask you though. You said you can't sleep, have you tried meditating? It's not the same as relaxing music at all, because listening to music is a passive task, while meditation is active (when you listen to music you become relaxed as a consequence, when you meditate you "make yourself relax"). Meditation also makes you achieve a really really deep state of relaxation, that's why you have to do it in a sitting position: lying down you fall asleep.
I don't know if it works for insomniacs too... maybe it's a stupid suggestion but do you think it's worth a try? Check youtube for some guided meditations and see if it helps. There will be many results for "relaxation, stress release", etc. but don't be discouraged and just look for guided meditations of some kind.

I really hope this helps

I will give it a try. If there are any you can recommend that would be great. I've honestly never bothered because nothing else has worked, so why would meditation? But anyway I'll look into it. Thanks for the suggestion.

I tried to talk to my roommate again just now (I had been sending her texts trying to explain that I need her to respect my need for peace nd quiet and to not bring people over for a while... I gues I am being that crotchety old lady now) and she said she wasn't getting any of my texts and just pretty much blew me off and ran out the door with her husband and friend (I live with a married couple). I feel like such a loser.

Went out last night to a friend's rooftop party and the entire time was just listening to myself having conversations and I'm like, god I am so obnoxious sounding it's no wonder no one likes or cares about me, except when they're drunk, and will talk to anyone.

My roommate and I used to try to make plans to hang out because our schedules are so different we never see each other.. But lately she barely talks to me.

Had to take 2mg of Xanax to get any sleep last night even though I had been drinking.

Fml.

Feary, no, I don't want to be focused on these things. But they affect me and I can't ignore them. I'm doing my best to deal but a lot of these things are completely out of my control.

Things constantly change, but right now they're horrible and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.

Like I said I do try to focus on the good and stay in shape and all that but I am overwhelmed.

I agree; sleep is essential to everything else. Will your health plan allow you to go for a full sleep study (polysomnogram + multiple sleep latency test/MSLT)?

I haven't looked into it because I've been so busy with other things, including scheduling sinus surgery, and figuring out whether my plan covers a polysomnogram is a chore in itself. Also, I have had one in the past, and all they came back with was "well, you don't have sleep apnea" which I already knew. As far as why I can't get to sleep or stay asleep, they had no real answers. I'm not trying to steer the conversation in a sociopolitical direction but our healthcare system in this country is a joke (I'm in the US) and finding the right type of care is damn near impossible sometimes.

I've been waiting for a moment of calm in my life so I can sit down and do the research and find the right doctor who will give me a real sleep study and a real answer but i haven't had time or energy. And I don't want to schedule any other major medical procedures until after I've had my sinus surgery on May 21st.

You have a lot on your plate.

I second nevergiveup's idea about trying to solve the smaller problems quickly while you engage the more important difficult issues on your docket.

Also, have you ever looked into integrative psychiatry? naturopaths? nutritionists? cutting back/eliminating things that are really bad for people with mood disorders (like sugar)?

And I have the following anecdote, which gives me hope here in the meantime as a sufferer of chronic severe depression:

In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.
"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:
"Oh, that's easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And eventually they died of a broken heart.

Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

God, ur goin thru a lot. Some of it i can relate to. It's tough and somehow we continue living though we want to die. U sound in control, and strong. Gluck with your struggles. Sleep also doesnt come for me easily and at this point i figured theres nothing to do aboutit

Do you go to school or work now, or other? I'm just wondering on what level you "have" to function, because that sort of decides what you need to do first and all that.

Hi Coneyislandbabe, here my two cents:

Please re-do this list and do separate things that outside your power, like Republicans, from things that can be changes, even if only slowly. You'll have to get used to the first set, unhappily. For the second list, that of things that you'll tackle, put things ordered from the easiest to the more difficult.

I work in retail and occasionally I do photography work. But I keep having to call in sick to my regular job because I get overwhelmed / too tired / anxious. Fortunately I work at a company that allows this (within reason).

But I am at my breaking point. Technically someone like me shouldn't be working, but I have to. I'm 32 and I can't move back in with my parents, and I have no boyfriend or husband. I'm on my own, I need a regular salary, health insurance and disability is NOT an option. I figured the first step is my sinuses so at least I can breathe and maybe the sleep will improve.

Apparently I am also supposed to get an MRI to rule out MS, and today I am getting my pupils dilated to check for eye problems. It never ends.

I can't afford any other specialists like nutritionalists. I'm already seeing my primary care physician so much that the copays alone are becoming unmanageable. I have to see a specialist today for my eyes, and I have to pay other specialists for my sinuses. I owe $300 for my deductible for my health insurance (I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but I get paid nothing at my job and I live in NYC and pay an astronomical amount of money for rent). I have tried eating healthier but it doesn't really help. I'm pretty healthy to begin with anyway, I don't eat meat and I cook most of my own meals and avoid fast food. I don't drink soda and I'll have a desert maybe a couple times per month. I ride a bike and all that.. does me no good. When I feel like I feel today I can't even get out of bed.

I will try that. It's hard but I will try.

Thanks for the advice.