[alone in the world]

Middle of the day and of course we are finally having some summer weather and I cannot force myself to go out and enjoy it. These four walls are my protective shell and I do not know how to tear them down. Would love to be free enough to smell the roses and enjoy them.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by alone in the world

Middle of the day and of course we are finally having some summer weather and I cannot force myself to go out and enjoy it. These four walls are my protective shell and I do not know how to tear them down. Would love to be free enough to smell the roses and enjoy them.

I think I kind of know how that feels. Do you at least have the blinds up and the sunlight coming in? An open window so you can feel the breeze on your face? I remember my room being a complete mess and not wanting to pull back the curtains and show it to the world. Of course, that meant the room was dark and even more depressing. If it's a struggle to go out, at least try to bring some of the outdoors in. Do you have a balcony you could sit out on? Even just feeling the sun on your skin is good.

[alone in the world]

Originally Posted by Bark

I think I kind of know how that feels. Do you at least have the blinds up and the sunlight coming in? An open window so you can feel the breeze on your face? I remember my room being a complete mess and not wanting to pull back the curtains and show it to the world. Of course, that meant the room was dark and even more depressing. If it's a struggle to go out, at least try to bring some of the outdoors in. Do you have a balcony you could sit out on? Even just feeling the sun on your skin is good.

I have balcony door open and all blinds, sitting on balcony is to big astretch. I will drag myself out tonight for class, but by then most of the day will be gone.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by alone in the world

I have balcony door open and all blinds, sitting on balcony is to big astretch. I will drag myself out tonight for class, but by then most of the day will be gone.

Why is it a stretch? Don't want to be seen or does it just feel too far away? Maybe sitting by the door inside would be a good compromise. Maybe you already do.

Good luck with class.

[Bark]

I guess you can't have it both ways. I dreamed that I had an exam — six times. Every time the alarm woke me up, I'd fall asleep and have a different version of the same story. I started my exam too soon, so I have to restart it; the exam sheet has answers to some questions, so I guess I have to repeat that too; my counsellor and I get into an argument when he's suddenly the person giving the exam; I don't know, it's all confused. When I woke up properly, I felt horrible. Maybe not terrified... but it felt like that. I can't explain it. Thankfully, I'm feeling better, but I think I'd better stick to regular sleep times and get at least 8 hours; I got around six. Pretty tired today, but I'll manage. Just wondering when I'll crash, though; I can't feel normal (or high) forever. I'd better try and study before that happens, though.

[Rachel.i]

Slept about six hours last night, still tired, but couldn't sleep more. Before waking I dreamt my husband was berating me in front of friends and family and I burst out of the room telling him I wouldn't listen to that. Weird, because he doesn't do that. And then I thought obviously it really was my father, because dreams can be goofy like that.

Heard a bird outside and it reminded me I want to try to be more mindful and stay in the present... not waste so much time re-hashing things or recriminating myself... I'm not learning anything from it except to keep spinning my wheels more, or worse, I may start sinking further into the quagmire.

That's one of my personal small goals for now...others may need to re-hash, reflect, process some things more. But for me, I know I can ruminate almost endlessly if I don't or can't stop myself, which leads to more feelings of useless guilt and self-flagellation.

IF I can do these, it's what I need to do. I'm gonna try... maybe notice the beautiful fall leaves, appreciate the beautiful weather, or just be really present in mind and spirit when someone is talking to me... whatever it takes or whatever helps.

Dragged the mothballed exercise bike out yesterday and started riding it. Also have been lifting hand weights. More small things, but making me feel a little better.

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Bark

I guess you can't have it both ways. I dreamed that I had an exam — six times. Every time the alarm woke me up, I'd fall asleep and have a different version of the same story. I started my exam too soon, so I have to restart it; the exam sheet has answers to some questions, so I guess I have to repeat that too; my counsellor and I get into an argument when he's suddenly the person giving the exam; I don't know, it's all confused. When I woke up properly, I felt horrible. Maybe not terrified... but it felt like that. I can't explain it. Thankfully, I'm feeling better, but I think I'd better stick to regular sleep times and get at least 8 hours; I got around six. Pretty tired today, but I'll manage. Just wondering when I'll crash, though; I can't feel normal (or high) forever. I'd better try and study before that happens, though.

Hi Bark, no wonder you felt horrible when you awoke, after having six different versions of the same dream about your exam! School-related dreams can be so scary, especially while you're in the midst of one. It's been many years since I graduated from college, but at least 2-3 times a year I still dream that I can't find my locker, or I can't find my classes, or I didn't attend classes the entire semester and am facing exams. And in the dream I'm walking around panicking.

I am glad you're feeling better now, though. I only got six hours sleep too and know what you mean about feeling the difference between six and eight.

Good luck with your studying!

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by alone in the world

Middle of the day and of course we are finally having some summer weather and I cannot force myself to go out and enjoy it. These four walls are my protective shell and I do not know how to tear them down. Would love to be free enough to smell the roses and enjoy them.

I'm sorry those walls are keeping you in. I know how that is. Also, I know it's not really explainable. It is very hard.

[Rose76]

I'm becoming lazy. I'm not helping myself. This is awful.

[whimsygirl]

Not so good. Terrible night's sleep.....woke up with a bad headache, feeling like I can't possibly deal with all the things that need attention (badly)......lots of anxiety.....tears and total frustration.....crap But I'm going to try and calm down enough to get some things done, hoping that might improve my state of being.

[alone in the world]

Feeling my mood fluctuate up and down. D called and I had to make myself be up for her I do not want my kids worrying about me school is hard enough. Spoke with T so feeling a little better, will keep in touch daily for the next week to try and stabilize me or it's back to the pdoc for med adjustment. going to go back and sit on the couch where I have been all day, can't motivate myself to do any self care, just want to sink into a hole and cover myself up.

[agma]

I've been very anxious all day. A couple of times I thought I was going to have a panic attack at work. Maybe I was just feeling pressured and stressed because I had to get a lot done today in a short amount of time. I'm so happy that tomorrows Friday....the weekend can't come fast enough.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by agma

I've been very anxious all day. A couple of times I thought I was going to have a panic attack at work. Maybe I was just feeling pressured and stressed because I had to get a lot done today in a short amount of time. I'm so happy that tomorrows Friday....the weekend can't come fast enough.

Anxiety must be in the air today......I know it's been the theme for my day too. Hope you feel better asap ~whimsy

[Rose76]

I'm very depressed. I have to do something about installing security software and I don't feel I can cope with it. So I might not be on-line for awhile. I think tomorrow is when my current protection expires. So I'll be afraid to turn on the computer. That's going to feel lonely.

[Rachel.i]

Sorry, Rose. Do you mean you feel you can't cope with it tomorrow, or that you don't know how to? Is it your antivirus expiring? If so, do you know someone that could walk you through removing your old and installing a new one (there are lots of free ones you can download.)

[Rose76]

Well, I surprised myself. I called for tech support from a provider I subscribe to, and the tech did most of everything to replace the protection I was paying for with the one that is available to me free. It is the same thing. I just kept paying because I was afraid to switch.

Well, it took like an hour or more of me being on the phone with the tech support person. I had to collaborate with him to get the job done. It was long and tedious. I didn't think I could face it. I haven't been able to face brushing my teeth today. Sometimes, when something is important and I feel like I have a stake in it that's valuable, I can make myself function, despite being horribly depressed. So that's what I did. Now I will not have to be afraid to turn on my computer. Thanks for asking.

Unfortunately, I still feel quite bad mentally. It will go away eventually, I guess. It always does.

[dailyhealing]

My mood this week has been up and down. I have been mostly symptom free for the last 6 months and that is starting to change... Had some depression issues this week, feeling scared and trying to hold things together and get back on track.

[Bark]

I was so tired yesterday. Today, I got close to 12 hours of on-off sleep. Still tired, but I always an, and it's a functional tired.

But yesterday, my head was feeling real funny and I was a bit out of it. And I wasn't depressed, yet I had thoughts of self-harm and such. I really can't explain it. I figured it was because I was so tired. But it's still here. I don't know what to do with myself, I feel so weird. I'm waiting for my appointment with my counsellor now; it's in 15 minutes (hopefully). But it feels like my brain is pressing against my skull and making me slightly dizzy. It feels heavy. And even looking at this screen is a little disorientating. And I have another class coming up today.

Maybe I should close my eyes for a while.

havon't felt too bad this afternoon.. though this morning i felt terrible

[ExiExi]

I'm in a romantic relationship with a person who clearly has feelings for me.
ME!

I'm confused, bewildered and scared, but I can't just say "no, sorry". First- I have feelings for them too (no idea how or why that happened), second - it's too late.

Now it's either good or I'm dead - will not survive a breakup.
Wish me luck.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by ExiExi

Wish me luck.

Good luck Exi! Happy for you!! ~whimsy

[konrei]

Sudden artblock and anxiety attack last night, trying my best on beating it...

[Bark]

Originally Posted by ExiExi

I'm in a romantic relationship with a person who clearly has feelings for me.
ME!

I'm confused, bewildered and scared, but I can't just say "no, sorry". First- I have feelings for them too (no idea how or why that happened), second - it's too late.

Now it's either good or I'm dead - will not survive a breakup.
Wish me luck.

I've been thinking lately about being in a relationship; I've been in an online one, but never a "real" one. I don't even know how to go about it. I'm guessing I just hope someone starts hanging out with me and we talk and then we get close... because honestly I have no clue what to do. And I'm not going to be the one that asks someone else! Man, the stress of just thinking about it.

Good luck, Exi! I hope you feel great.

[Bark]

Midway through my session, I go from talking real slow, being out of it, feeling generally really weird and getting my counsellor worried, to speaking faster and laughing and basically feeling totally different. He brought up maybe seeing the psychiatrist sooner, as an emergency appointment, but I think I'll be fine till next Friday. This is because of the withdrawal, I know it. I think I'll read up more about it.

But honestly, of all the side effects, I never thought the medication would induce hypomania, and neither did my counsellor. I'm not the impulsive type, I'm shy, I have some social anxiety, I'm great at restraining myself... well, the latter's coming in handy. I know that if I start speaking real fast and acting different, people will notice. Luckily, I did like joking around sometimes and acting weird before, so I've got some leeway. And I did try my utmost best to keep other people from suspecting I had depression (and it surprises me that people didn't realize, not even family).

[Rose76]

I think I might be climbing out of the hole. I think I'm partways up.