[Rose76]

Originally Posted by LostMom3

I am suffering from Insomnia again. It has become an every week thing. I have been up 2 1/2 days. I don't know if it is the insomnia making me this way or circumstances. I am feeling all alone, frustrated and slightly aggressive.

I think most pdocs would prefer that you take something to induce sleep, rather than go that long without it. Maybe you've tried things and had side effects that discouraged you. I don't know your situation. Sleep irregularity and insomnia were serious problems for me, and I'm glad to have meds that pretty much have turned that around.

[Rose76]

Yesterday and today I've been sore from the housework I did on Saturday, when I felt "great." I should go out for a walk, or something. Inertia is setting in, and I've gone from having all that ambition 2 days ago to wanting to do nothing today, even though I don't feel depressed. I guess I am just so out of shape from too much idleness. Thinking that makes me feel bad about myself.

[Rachel.i]

Slept well, but after I woke, I felt dread and emptiness at the prospect of another day. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around anyone either. I have a million things I need to do here but I don't want to do them.

My mind is full of thoughts of self-recrimination and sadness, and I feel sort of broken inside today. I tell myself they are all just thoughts, to observe them and let them go, and that I usually feel worse at the beginning of the day. I will keep trying because I don't know what else to do. Maybe some other distraction to stop the tears and shaky feelings.

[whimsygirl]

Had a big misunderstanding with a friend last night, and now I feel so sad about it, even though we did "make peace" with things.....I think. I jumped to conclusions and in doing so I hurt her. She's really in a bad place, and as much as I'd like to I can't really help.....life sure can be rough ps.....Plus I took something to help with sleep last night, and I'm so groggy ~spacey. Glad the coffee is ready

[Bark]

Dragged myself out of bed, attended my classes and all... it seems after my last class I picked up a bit. Saw my counsellor at 5, and I started feeling hyper. And well, he's my counsellor, so instead of restraining myself, I let loose. I was talking a mile a minute, really giddy, and definitely asked things I shouldn't have (but his reaction to them was funny, so...). I guess I felt a bit hypomanic. Thank you, medication. Hopefully it wears off. It really takes a lot out of you. If it doesn't... I guess I'll have to start frequenting the bipolar forum.

On the plus side, I did mention things I didn't when I was down regarding how I would feel, and I asked if he wanted to know anything else. Man, he puts up with me quite a bit.

I've calmed down since, and thankfully I'm in a normal mood. I should try studying before bed. Hopefully I don't dip down again.

[Rose76]

Rachel.i - What you say today sounds so much like what I say to myself at times and how I think. I'm sorry you feel that way. Not wanting to do the things that need doing is so discouraging. Yet you are able to say that you will "keep trying." If you can manage that, it's a lot. When you can keep trying, despite how pointless it can seem, it's like saving little sums of money thinking that it will never add up to much. It does add up. The little victories over the inertia that comes with despair do build up your inner strength, or at least keep one from crumbling more. Distraction can be a bridge over an interval of time that would only be spent in misery, without the distraction.

Now . . . if I can only convince myself to try . . . even a little bit today. I fell back into the hole. Got out of it on Saturday . . . and then fell back in.

[agma]

Yesterday was AWFUL. I saw T at 9,and that it well. Right after t I had to drive a half hour to get to a meeting for work. When I got there, before getting out of my car, I realized that my credit card wasn't in my pocket. When my meeting ended 2.5 hours later, I drove back to my t office to look for my card. I never found it (t rents space in a large 6 story building). Because of messing around looking for my card, I ended only having 30 minutes in my office, which means I'm getting further behind. During that time, I missed the call from my fertility doc. Direct care was a little rough as the child I was working with was having some difficult behaviors (she's autistic). When I finally got home, I called and cancelled my lost credit card. Thankfully today hasn't been too bad so far. A few minor things happened that made me angry, but I tried not to dwell on them too much.

[notablackbarbie]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Rachel.i - What you say today sounds so much like what I say to myself at times and how I think. I'm sorry you feel that way. Not wanting to do the things that need doing is so discouraging. Yet you are able to say that you will "keep trying." If you can manage that, it's a lot. When you can keep trying, despite how pointless it can seem, it's like saving little sums of money thinking that it will never add up to much. It does add up. The little victories over the inertia that comes with despair do build up your inner strength, or at least keep one from crumbling more. Distraction can be a bridge over an interval of time that would only be spent in misery, without the distraction.

Now . . . if I can only convince myself to try . . . even a little bit today. I fell back into the hole. Got out of it on Saturday . . . and then fell back in.

Ditto, ditto, ditto...

((((To all here struggling too))))

[alyssum]

This is my first time to make a daily post. Depression has been bad, and after staying home for the past two days, I finally got out and ran (too many) errands. Now I'm worn out, but can't go to sleep because of the brain zaps my meds will cause. Looking forward to sleeping in a couple of hours. Now, what to do in the meantime?

Hope everyone is ok tonight.

[alone in the world]

Thought the day was going to be a positive one then it all hit me again. don't know how I am going to make it through my class from 6:30pm - 9:30pm. Just want to crawl into a ball and tune the world out. If I could cry I sure I would be balling right now.

[xxisabellaxx]

I didn't want to get up for my classes, wasn't hungry, forced myself to eat, went to class came home ate lunch, went to the store, something triggered my phobia... the i went home calmed down texted my boyfriend, finally after 2 months of planning i had my first phone call with him.(because we're Long distance and his parents are strict). I love him and i can't get his voice out of my head on the downside it's getting close to the 4th which if i was still with my ex would be our 5 month anniversary and thats triggering a lot of different feelings.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by alyssum

This is my first time to make a daily post. Depression has been bad, and after staying home for the past two days, I finally got out and ran (too many) errands. Now I'm worn out, but can't go to sleep because of the brain zaps my meds will cause. Looking forward to sleeping in a couple of hours. Now, what to do in the meantime?

Hope everyone is ok tonight.

Hi alyssum.....Welcome to the Ups and Downs, and thanks for posting. So sorry to hear that your depression has been bad, I hope some comfort comes your way as soon as possible Hugs ~whimsy

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by alone in the world

Thought the day was going to be a positive one then it all hit me again. don't know how I am going to make it through my class from 6:30pm - 9:30pm. Just want to crawl into a ball and tune the world out. If I could cry I sure I would be balling right now.

(((( alone ))))

[~EnlightenMe~]

My favorite part of the day - sleep, loss of consciousness. I hate waking up in the morning only to do everything all over again. I was really embarrassed today at work, my male boss asked me where I was for three hours, and I couldn't remember which office room I had been to. I think I have Alzheimers. I wish I could forget what I want to forget. I can't fake having a memory. I can't fake being unable to focus. I can't fake being happy. Oh well. I feel so insignificant. I can't be who anybody else wants me to be, including myself I've starting reading this thread but usually post in the psychotherapy forum. I thought I'd branch out a little

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Rachel.i - What you say today sounds so much like what I say to myself at times and how I think. I'm sorry you feel that way. Not wanting to do the things that need doing is so discouraging. Yet you are able to say that you will "keep trying." If you can manage that, it's a lot. When you can keep trying, despite how pointless it can seem, it's like saving little sums of money thinking that it will never add up to much. It does add up. The little victories over the inertia that comes with despair do build up your inner strength, or at least keep one from crumbling more. Distraction can be a bridge over an interval of time that would only be spent in misery, without the distraction.

Now . . . if I can only convince myself to try . . . even a little bit today. I fell back into the hole. Got out of it on Saturday . . . and then fell back in.

Rose, thank you. Very wise words, and well-put. I know that what you say about small moves adding up and preventing crumbling is true... even though it can often seem a mirage or untrue.

And yes, sometimes distraction helps. It is better than ruminating over things that can't be changed. It is better than self-flagellation, as my therapist reminded me today.

I'm so sorry you fell back in the hole. I hope you are able to convince yourself to try, and apply your wise words above, and climb out of that hole, even if it's bit by bit.

[Rachel.i]

(((Hugs to all))), and if you are struggling, may your struggle lessen and comfort come to you. And if your day was good, may tomorrow be even better.

[KittyBug]

Feeling down and very unmotivated. Unsure how to bring myself back up :/

[Bark]

Thankfully I didn't go back down. Pretty tired today, but then again I slept less than I wanted to. I think I feel normal today, like people who aren't depressed, although I think I felt myself threatening to go up again.

Looks like the side effects have started to subside. I can sleep through the night! If vivid dreams are what I've been having, they're not so bad. Sure, I had some disturbing dreams, but that's normal for me. You can't say that a dream about being tested for a teaching job by being put in an awesome flight simulator where the whole machine moves and you have to fire on targets and monsters isn't just awesome. And the quality! And apparently we would have been tested three more times! I'd love a job application process like that. Couldn't stop thinking about it.

I wish other people could share this mood with me. Hugs to all.

[Rose76]

Last night I just cried. My S/O had yelled at me on the phone because he got annoyed with me bawling. I get so disappointed when I turn to him for understanding and it isn't there. I will get over it. I am still in the hole. I haven't even been trying to climb out.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Last night I just cried. My S/O had yelled at me on the phone because he got annoyed with me bawling. I get so disappointed when I turn to him for understanding and it isn't there. I will get over it. I am still in the hole. I haven't even been trying to climb out.

((((Rose76)))) I could maybe understand him being frustrated with you feeling depressed and him being unable to help you out. But to yell at you because you needed someone to talk to is uncalled for. And the way you say "bawling"... if you need to cry, cry. It doesn't help any to hold it all in and pretend. Wish I could offer you a ladder out of the hole.

[Bark]

101 Dalmatians!

Hope that might give someone a laugh. My 101st post... at least my 100th was meaningful.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Last night I just cried. My S/O had yelled at me on the phone because he got annoyed with me bawling. I get so disappointed when I turn to him for understanding and it isn't there. I will get over it. I am still in the hole. I haven't even been trying to climb out.

Hi Rose.....So sorry you're hurting, and that this important person in your life has treated you so badly. Just some thoughts. When someone acts so thoughtlessly it indicates that THEY have a problem too, but because we suffer from this cruel mood disorder, we tend to turn things inward and things like this often get translated as proof that we are not worthy of better. But we do deserve to be treated with care and kindness.....everyone does. And btw, when I say all this I am talking to myself as well. It took me going to an awesome therapist to realize that the person I used to call my "best friend"....who ended up treating me very badly, was perhaps the one with worse problems than me. At least we acknowledge that we face challenges, and have the courage to work on them. Hopefully this made some sense, and I hope you find some comfort soon Hugs ~whimsy

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Bark

101 Dalmatians!

Hope that might give someone a laugh. My 101st post... at least my 100th was meaningful.

Congratulations Bark! And btw, really enjoyed your dream! Hugs ~whimsy

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Last night I just cried. My S/O had yelled at me on the phone because he got annoyed with me bawling. I get so disappointed when I turn to him for understanding and it isn't there. I will get over it. I am still in the hole. I haven't even been trying to climb out.

((Rose)))

It's a generalization, but with some truth, I think, but men sometimes seem to get frustrated when they can't "fix" something. And I don't think some of them "get" that when a woman turns to them for understanding, she might just want to be heard, not given advice. I know this is true of my husband. Sometimes my tears do just frustrate him.

I am sorry that he yelled at you. Wishing you some comfort and that you *will* begin to climb out of that hole.

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Rachel.i

((Rose)))

It's a generalization, but with some truth, I think, but men sometimes seem to get frustrated when they can't "fix" something. And I don't think some of them "get" that when a woman turns to them for understanding, she might just want to be heard, not given advice. I know this is true of my husband. Sometimes my tears do just frustrate him.

I am sorry that he yelled at you. Wishing you some comfort and that you *will* begin to climb out of that hole.

And I forgot to add, it wasn't right of him to yell at you. I re-read my reply and it seemed I might have been offering excuses for him. But my husband has done that to me before when he was tired and frustrated, and it hurts, isn't right, and just makes me feel worse.