Originally Posted by sidestepper

Started a partial hospital program, Rose76 is right it is draining. There are a lot of reality challenged folks there and that makes it hard on those of us that are easily startled and traumatized. They start talking loudly off topic or just suddenly get up and leave the room. They will be there longer until there journey from the darkness is over. I keep telling myself I have it better than some-they are not oblivious to their actions and behaviors, just helpless. It hurts to hear how people treat them and how much more stigmatized they are and that people talk about them in front of them as if they were deaf, something I can relate to, too. Still it is hard not to react with fear to the sudden movements. I know I need the program right now.

The only other option would be inpatient and --that I can't do. Ironically the Mayo Clinic, located in a city where I have been trying to move back to be with my family has a inpatient program for those who also have severe physical problems and is ADA compliant. If I had regular Medicare I could get in as they accept almost every insurance, but not with the advantage program, in state only! My pain doc asked if I didn't want to move closer to family for the surgery I need. I told her I've been trying for the last two years, and now they(sec 8) just raised my rent, raised it more than the so called cost of living raise I got on the SSDI, so now I'm not even sure how I'm going to fix the car. I feel as if I have only two choices one. SU and two. a serious back surgery that I have to face alone.

I went to the surgeon this week and my back is too destabilized for any surgery except the fusion, with a bone graph, I went in expecting to talk about a simple cyst removal. That was a shock that took a few days to absorb. It took me mouths to agree to the simple surgery, I begged for more PT first and tried to get them to agree to another round of deep steroid shots w/ ketamine, but I've done every non-surgical treatment including losing weight and acupuncture. My pain doc is a good one and I trust the surgeon she sent me to, he was honest and straight forward w/ me and that is what I value. He didn't nay say my questions or put down the risks. He took his time asked if I had more questions and told me to call if I did. Yes the fusion can lead to more surgery's, and failed back and a whole lot more, my only other option at this point is to keep on as I have been and I can't, I need to do something.

My pain doc told me it was ridiculous to continue refusing to go up on pain medicines when we now have a date for the surgery(Nov-12th), and I'm considering Su. I'll be in the hospital 2-5 days then go to a rehab place because I live on second(first to those outside of USA-I think that is how it goes? Up one flight off the ground.) floor and with a cat--he is great but they prefer human companions to live with the surgery patents. So she increased the short acting pills and I take the patches everyday. Since I'm not driving I guess it doesn't matter. She believes that this will help with the depression.

Sorry this is so long, I'm only posting here tonight. It's been a long week. Thanks for being here everyone, PC is great to have. I wish you all the best weekend. Chat more tomorrow after some long sleep and a video! Gotta go tell my family the news.

((((Side)))) sending many comforting hugs your way...
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Will be thinking of you Rose

[vintyg]

Feeling blank , couldn't sleep well or just over slept . Not feeling totally miserable but definitely exhausted .This increased heart beat and dry throat due to this permanent state of anxiety is of no help either .

[RS123]

Feeling pretty crap as I do everyday.
I keep going back to bed just to sleep the day away, hopefully my life along with it.
Doesn't help much though, makes me keep thinking of things which end up making me feel worse. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

[alone in the world]

woke up to the sun so I am hoping it can infuse some liviness into me. tired of my daughter telling me I don't care and I am boring. Not feeling the desire to run back to bed.

[whimsygirl]

Feeling really horrible, including waking up with a terrible migraine. Still consumed with anger at my (ex) bff who abandoned me and our friendship without a word to me, and will not speak to me ever since.....by phone or online. (We live on different coasts, so those are the options.) I know this anger is eating me alive, but try as I may.....including through talk therapy and hypnosis, I just can't seem to get over it. And btw, I feel like I should apologize for repeating all this so many times, but it's just the truth. ps.....Wishing everyone a better day than I'm having so far.

[Bark]

I feel proud of myself today. I'm writing this before I change my mind. I am proud of myself today. I helped out lots. And I love being up here. Yesterday I was asked to move an iron to press some stitching every maybe 10 seconds or so. I was anxious that I'd end up burning the fabric and the house down. Neither happened. And being told I did a good job makes me feel worth something. And being told that I can do something others can't makes me feel a bit capable. I might even say I'm slightly happy. And pushing away the bad thoughts is easier. If tomorrow is a rare good day, that would be great.

And I know I need to talk like this to drive it home to myself. I like feeling like this: not irritable, enjoying myself.... Here's hoping it lasts. I hope everyone else gets a chance to feel like this, too.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Bark

I feel proud of myself today. I'm writing this before I change my mind. I am proud of myself today. I helped out lots. And I love being up here. Yesterday I was asked to move an iron to press some stitching every maybe 10 seconds or so. I was anxious that I'd end up burning the fabric and the house down. Neither happened. And being told I did a good job makes me feel worth something. And being told that I can do something others can't makes me feel a bit capable. I might even say I'm slightly happy. And pushing away the bad thoughts is easier. If tomorrow is a rare good day, that would be great.

And I know I need to talk like this to drive it home to myself. I like feeling like this: not irritable, enjoying myself.... Here's hoping it lasts. I hope everyone else gets a chance to feel like this, too.

Hi Bark....Oh I love hearing this! Happy for you! Thank you for posting, and may the good feelings continue...... Hugs ~whimsy

[vintyg]

Feeling very scared right now . Coming days are going to be very difficult . Just praying that i would be able to cope up . CAN do it !!!!!!! just need to keep chanting this.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Bark

I feel proud of myself today. I'm writing this before I change my mind. I am proud of myself today. I helped out lots. And I love being up here. Yesterday I was asked to move an iron to press some stitching every maybe 10 seconds or so. I was anxious that I'd end up burning the fabric and the house down. Neither happened. And being told I did a good job makes me feel worth something. And being told that I can do something others can't makes me feel a bit capable. I might even say I'm slightly happy. And pushing away the bad thoughts is easier. If tomorrow is a rare good day, that would be great.

And I know I need to talk like this to drive it home to myself. I like feeling like this: not irritable, enjoying myself.... Here's hoping it lasts. I hope everyone else gets a chance to feel like this, too.

((Bark)) You are capable. I'm happy for you and understand your fears. It does get better. You will find the tools you need to learn that you are a wonderful and worthy person. You have reminded me that once my life was so consumed with fear and anxiety that I would lose periods of time. Things are not perfect right now but they are better than they used to be. Thank you for writing.

[Nammu]

Wow, Thank You Everyone. I'm so over whelmed by your thoughts and kindness. PC is really a place to get a shot of endorphins and focus on wellness. Thank You All.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Feeling really horrible, including waking up with a terrible migraine. Still consumed with anger at my (ex) bff who abandoned me and our friendship without a word to me, and will not speak to me ever since.....by phone or online. (We live on different coasts, so those are the options.) I know this anger is eating me alive, but try as I may.....including through talk therapy and hypnosis, I just can't seem to get over it. And btw, I feel like I should apologize for repeating all this so many times, but it's just the truth. ps.....Wishing everyone a better day than I'm having so far.

((Whim)) losing your bff is the way you did is both a betrayal and kind of a death what you are feeling is grief. Grief is a process that can not be hurried or denied. Your feeling are valid and real, how ever long it takes, is how long it takes, it is different for every person. No need to apologize. Hope your day gets better. Thank you for your kindness in the middle of your bad day.

((((Whim))))

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

((((Whim))))

Thanks so much Rose.....big hug Hope you're doing okay

Things seem to be moving back in the right direction for the first time in I can't remember when. I want to enjoy these feelings, but I just keep worrying about when it all goes bad again, and it will, it always does.

[Turtleboy]

Having a nice day so far

[RS123]

Feeling slightly better today. Hope it lasts. Wishing you all a good day too

[Tony50]

1st time I've used this site. I'm not feeling good at all.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

((Whim)) losing your bff is the way you did is both a betrayal and kind of a death what you are feeling is grief. Grief is a process that can not be hurried or denied. Your feeling are valid and real, how ever long it takes, is how long it takes, it is different for every person. No need to apologize. Hope your day gets better. Thank you for your kindness in the middle of your bad day.

**** Long Post Alert **** Thanks to everyone who sent a hug.....And in particular thank you so much sidestepper....your words mean a tremendous amount to me And yes, what has gone on with this person is the worst kind of betrayal. I have had quite a bit of loss in my life, including breakups of friendships, but honestly nothing like this. So, for you and anyone else who might care to know, here's a bit of my story. Nancy (that's her name), was my best friend in the world, and I was hers. Although we live on opposite US coasts, there were very few days that we didn't talk.....either by phone, e-mail, myspace, facebook and ~or a combination of these, and we also took trips together. I live in a very rural area and live a pretty isolated life, and her presence in my life was so treasured. Sadly, though, she was just one of those people (like my father and his side of the family), that just couldn't deal with "real stuff".....like my depression. But the hardest thing was that she couldn't ~wouldn't even admit that, despite the fact that it was painfully obvious. I told her so many times things like "it's okay if you admit it, we can deal with it....I just want you to be honest" (and not treat me like some kind of outcast), but that never happened. So then in May 2012 we had another of these sad conversations (on the phone). Afterwards she sent me an e-mail saying that it was going to take her some time to process all we had talked about, but the two things she wanted me to know were that she loved me, and prayed that our friendship could be repaired. And then she slammed the door.....never to respond again to my phone calls or e-mails.....nothing. Not even a "goodbye". Last thought....not that I want this (although I've had my moments), but it would be easier if she had died. Ok, well feels a little weird to have shared so much, but there it is. Thanks to anyone who listened....... ps....."This too shall pass." Just not sure when.

[whimsygirl]

The back pain caused by the arthritis in my spine returned with a vengeance this morning....ouch But at least I don't have a migraine, and my mood is actually not too bad so far . Sending out wishes for everyone to have the best day possible

[regretful]

Surviving...

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by regretful

Surviving...

Well that's a start.....

[alone in the world]

no sleep last night and my body will not llow me to sleep now. feeling the anxiety and moodiness creeping up.. going to try and stay present so I can be with my daughter.

[Bark]

Decided I'm going to take medication.

I made an appointment with a doctor, and my counsellor (clinical psychologist) is going to write me a note saying that I'm depressed and could benefit from antidepressants. Hopefully I don't have to talk much.

Here's hoping the medication does the trick. I've been wondering if I'll get lots of side effects or have to try a bunch of different ones or even become manic. I suppose they're all possibilities. And the fact I've always had issues of some sort going back into childhood, maybe not depression, makes me wonder if I'll be treatment-resistant.

But I'm going to put all that aside. Looking forward to Wednesday!

Originally Posted by alone in the world

no sleep last night and my body will not llow me to sleep now. feeling the anxiety and moodiness creeping up.. going to try and stay present so I can be with my daughter.

I can so relate to this (((hugs)))

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Bark

Decided I'm going to take medication.

I made an appointment with a doctor, and my counsellor (clinical psychologist) is going to write me a note saying that I'm depressed and could benefit from antidepressants. Hopefully I don't have to talk much.

Here's hoping the medication does the trick. I've been wondering if I'll get lots of side effects or have to try a bunch of different ones or even become manic. I suppose they're all possibilities. And the fact I've always had issues of some sort going back into childhood, maybe not depression, makes me wonder if I'll be treatment-resistant.

But I'm going to put all that aside. Looking forward to Wednesday!

Hi Bark.....I completely get what you're saying regarding all the questions in your mind about the ins and outs of meds. Been there, done that....sigh. But with that said, I'm really happy to read that you're gonna dive into the pool, and I really do appreciate the posting of your plans. Plus I feel they are a good influence on me, because after being off everything for quite a while, I've been realizing that I need to try again, regardless of possible stumbles along the way. I truly wish you all the best in this new phase ~whimsy Hugs.....