[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I had a lot of bad dreams last night and woke up feeling insecure and worthless. I know these feelings are coming from work, and I didnt really feel them this intense until after my dreams. I guess I was trying to process them. I feel like staying in bed all day and just watching TV, yhat is where I feel safe. Mayne tomorrow will be better. I Hope everyone has a good day.

Funny how our brain tries to deal with unsettling feelings while we sleep, Antimatter. Happens to me a lot too. I hope your day improves, and that tomorrow is indeed brighter.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Bark

It seems I always write paragraphs here. Sorry guys, I just tend to really get sucked into the details. I thought it would be shorter this time.

Bark.....Personally I believe how ever many words it takes to express what you have on your mind ~want to say is the perfect amount ....

[whimsygirl]

Good therapy session yesterday, including hypnosis. Don't want to jinx anything, but I think I'm finally moving on from the way my (ex) best friend betrayed and abandoned me. Still leaves a lot of bad ~sad ~completely unresolved feelings, but "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change......." Wishing everyone the best Saturday possible

[Rachel.i]

I called my parents to see if I could bring them lunch. My father turned it into a rant about how I am "worthless," because I don't attend church and admitted I am agnostic.

I HOPE there is a God, and sometimes I even pray, especially if someone asks me to do it for them. But I can't say I know for sure if there is. I don't. I tried to say he doesn't know for sure either, it's about faith, but there's no getting through to him. I should not even try and I knew that.

Then it was on to more of my failings... I need to lose weight (he's real tall and thin)... like I don't know that, and I have been losing anyway... And why aren't I working, when I have an education... and of all his kids, he thought I'd make something of myself... and more... when he says this crap, it does not motivate me.

I know I will be alright though... this is nothing new... he is, and has always been, just an abusive person most of the time (though other times, less often, he tells me how good I am!)

Enough venting.

[jadedrose325]

Today was fine. Not great, not horrible. Fine. That's how most of my days are. I keep thinking that I'm making this bout of depression up. Like it's all in my head. Nothing major has happened to start this. And it took me a while to see it for what it was. When I take a bath, I lay in there the whole time plotting how I should fall to hurt myself. I feel so bad on the inside I feel like I need to see something on the outside. That's the logic that started me on the road to self injury years ago. I don't want to go back there. That's probably my worst fear.... So, a "fine" day shouldn't bother me, right?

[alone in the world]

another day of waking early and not knowing what to do with myself. yesterday was bad but today seems to be starting out better. not going to let the bed be my best friend today.

[Nammu]

Still down, ran out of snythyroid and the lamictail that the PHP put me on, no refills for my synthroid and it is just too much work to call my primary care doc to take care of it. Not eating much but not losing weight, probably because of the thyroid med.

Got two emails from my mom since the last time I used the computer, hard to know what day it is. She's worried because I don't sound like myself but as I did years ago. Mom's always know! I feel so guilty for feeling like this when my daughter is about to have her first child.

[tigerlily84]

Today was particularly bad. I slept for most of the day to escape the sadness.

Sidestepper- you're right, moms do always know! Try to call her to keep in contact with her or a friend right now.

[Rose76]

Got a lot done today and feel good mentally. It's so great not to be depressed. All along my spine has been sore all day. Not excruciating, just pretty darn uncomfortable. Even after taking a pain pill. I've been so busy straightening out messes - like piles of paperwork - around the house.

House looks nice and I am so pleased. I didn't even mind toughing out the discomfort. I was that motivated. I am getting creeped out by this worsening situation where I can't ever seem to have my back and neck straight. I kind of have to hunch over in weird ways.

In 9 days I see my PCP doc. I have to drum up the resolve to insist he pay serious attention to this and not just prescribe me Vicodin. I want to know what is wrong and why is it getting so much worse so quickly. I have a tax refund coming for 2011 once I file for it. I'm going to tell my doctor that I will use my whole refund to pay privately to see an orthopedic doctor, if he can't get my referred for a serious follow up. He can do that, I believe. If I go pay a specialist, myself, and it turns out that I should have gotten more care sooner, that's going to make my doc look bad.

I like my doc. I don't want to alienate him, or come off as a smarty-pants. I am a nurse and I know how the ball gets dropped on diagnosing people. It's only thanks to the x-rays that SSA sent me for that I found out I have scoliosis - which I never knew. Those x-rays showed narrowing of disc spaces. I had the report of those x-rays sent to my doctor. I'm going to be real disappointed if he hasn't even looked at the FAX'd radiology report on my back.

I may have to stay in my recliner watching TV all day tomorrow to recuperate from today. Here I am - RELIEVED OF DEPRESSION - eager to clean my place and organize the clutter that developed when I was so depressed. All day I've been like an eager beaver. Singing as I work - so happy to be upbeat and highly motivated . . . ignoring the nagging discomfort. But now I'm scared that my activity may be exacerbating damage along my spine.

Sorry. Thanks to whoever said "Use as many words as you need to." Here I am - NOT DEPRESSED - but concerned that something physical is going quite wrong.

I feel like my sudden, much worsening of neck and back pain is some kind of punishment on me for going on SSDI for depression. Forgive my morbid mind. I am scared. Will take more Vicodin, now. Or maybe not. Should just get in recliner and watch TV.

I'm actually kind of hypomanic. Maybe I just overdid it today. Thanks for your patience. Maybe I can ride my bike tomorrow to help my back - if it might do that. ?

I think I meant to put this in a different thread. I'm too uncomfortable to think straight.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Got a lot done today and feel good mentally. It's so great not to be depressed. All along my spine has been sore all day. Not excruciating, just pretty darn uncomfortable. Even after taking a pain pill. I've been so busy straightening out messes - like piles of paperwork - around the house.

House looks nice and I am so pleased. I didn't even mind toughing out the discomfort. I was that motivated. I am getting creeped out by this worsening situation where I can't ever seem to have my back and neck straight. I kind of have to hunch over in weird ways.

In 9 days I see my PCP doc. I have to drum up the resolve to insist he pay serious attention to this and not just prescribe me Vicodin. I want to know what is wrong and why is it getting so much worse so quickly. I have a tax refund coming for 2011 once I file for it. I'm going to tell my doctor that I will use my whole refund to pay privately to see an orthopedic doctor, if he can't get my referred for a serious follow up. He can do that, I believe. If I go pay a specialist, myself, and it turns out that I should have gotten more care sooner, that's going to make my doc look bad.

I like my doc. I don't want to alienate him, or come off as a smarty-pants. I am a nurse and I know how the ball gets dropped on diagnosing people. It's only thanks to the x-rays that SSA sent me for that I found out I have scoliosis - which I never knew. Those x-rays showed narrowing of disc spaces. I had the report of those x-rays sent to my doctor. I'm going to be real disappointed if he hasn't even looked at the FAX'd radiology report on my back.

I may have to stay in my recliner watching TV all day tomorrow to recuperate from today. Here I am - RELIEVED OF DEPRESSION - eager to clean my place and organize the clutter that developed when I was so depressed. All day I've been like an eager beaver. Singing as I work - so happy to be upbeat and highly motivated . . . ignoring the nagging discomfort. But now I'm scared that my activity may be exacerbating damage along my spine.

Sorry. Thanks to whoever said "Use as many words as you need to." Here I am - NOT DEPRESSED - but concerned that something physical is going quite wrong.

I feel like my sudden, much worsening of neck and back pain is some kind of punishment on me for going on SSDI for depression. Forgive my morbid mind. I am scared. Will take more Vicodin, now. Or maybe not. Should just get in recliner and watch TV.

I'm actually kind of hypomanic. Maybe I just overdid it today. Thanks for your patience. Maybe I can ride my bike tomorrow to help my back - if it might do that. ?

I think I meant to put this in a different thread. I'm too uncomfortable to think straight.

I believe you are right to be concerned, when movement exacerbates the pain instead of relieving it, it does need to be checked out by a specialist. I hope for the best and that it will have a simple remedy like Physical Rehab. Stress does cause physical illnesses, and you have been though a lot of stress the last few years. It is not a punishment for going on SSDI. You have worked and kept trying to work even when your supervisors recommended you not. Please don't punish yourself for going on SSDI when that is what is for. You need it you deserve it.

It helps me when I take a hot bath in lots of lavender Epsom salts, I add this skin softener from Walgreen's that is reactively cheap to keep it from being too drying. Don't know if that will help you but it does help me temporarily. Recliners are a godsend.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Recliners are a godsend.

I agree! My recliner is one of my best friends......

[Gypsyblurose]

Woke up in physical pain, its my left foot. I have neuropathy and are taking cymbalta but for some reason its not working on my foot and big toe. Turned on the light to see if I could see something and of course not. It looks completely normal but the pain is getting really bad. Took an extra pain pill I saved for emergencys like this and so far its not helping. I'm depressed enough with all the other physical pain I have, getting angry! I'm sick of this. I wonder when I have this pain what did I do? Who have I hurt in a past life or something to be in such horrific pain. While nothing is "fair" I wish it were. Personally I believe this pain stems from the tarlov cysts I have in my sacrum and tail bone. Sighs... please make it stop

[whimsygirl]

Not too terrible, but a little sad this morning. I hope the day comes when I will most certainly welcome validation from others if and when it comes, but not feel diminished when it doesn't......

[Rachel.i]

Slept pretty well last night! No big plans for the day except to try and get at least a little done around the house and watch some football. Mood is even, glad yesterday is over.

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Not too terrible, but a little sad this morning. I hope the day comes when I will most certainly welcome validation from others if and when it comes, but not feel diminished when it doesn't......

((((whimsygirl))))

[agma]

So far this has been one of my best days in a long time. I went out to breakfast with H, cleaned, did dishes and laundry, and went tree shopping with H (one of the trees in our yard is dead so we want to replace it. Now I'm relaxing and watching football. I'm suppose to call my parents today, but I'm going to wait tip later tonigt since that usually puts me in a bad mood.

[whimsygirl]

**** ****

[alone in the world]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Not too terrible, but a little sad this morning. I hope the day comes when I will most certainly welcome validation from others if and when it comes, but not feel diminished when it doesn't......

I know validation comes from within but with all the good advice you give I want to validate you. I am always amazed as what you have to say.

[alone in the world]

Today is one of the better ones. have been productive and spent time with my daughter. missing the other 2 though. Spoke with my sister and shared some of what is going on with me. I have kept my family out of the loop because they are so judgemental.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by alone in the world

I know validation comes from within but with all the good advice you give I want to validate you. I am always amazed as what you have to say.

Hi alone.....Thank you so much for the kind words. Not having the best day, and you just brightened it up a bit. I hope your better feelings continue..... ~whimsy

[Bark]

Saw the doctor today; he thinks I'm bipolar. To his credit, though, he referred me to a psychiatrist. It seems my counsellor's e-mail didn't reach him... ah well. I asked him about stopping the medication; he said fine, and that I can do it right away. Here's hoping that I don't get pummelled by the withdrawal.

Now just to wait until my appointment next week. As for school... I don't know.

[LostMom3]

I am suffering from Insomnia again. It has become an every week thing. I have been up 2 1/2 days. I don't know if it is the insomnia making me this way or circumstances. I am feeling all alone, frustrated and slightly aggressive.

[alone in the world]

It's just 9:30am and I already feel the weight of the depression. Have to volunteer today at The Red Cross and I am going to have to fake the cheerfulness. did not respond to my T p/c because it was last night when I really needed her ,so today I just muddle through it. Maybe things will pick up (NOT)

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by LostMom3

I am suffering from Insomnia again. It has become an every week thing. I have been up 2 1/2 days. I don't know if it is the insomnia making me this way or circumstances. I am feeling all alone, frustrated and slightly aggressive.

So sorry about the insomnia, LostMom3. 2 1/2 days straight of being up is a LOT, something I've experienced more times than I want to remember, and it's miserable.

And, for me at least, it then gets hard to determine if it's circumstances or the insomnia causing my moods, because I just can't think straight.

But it may be both... gets intertwined in a foggy mess. Hoping you get some sleep soon!

[whimsygirl]

Felt a little shaky this morning.....not that unusual. I could sense that the demon was at the door, trying to get in, but I did my best to ignore him, and this time it actually seems to be working . I want so badly to exercise any control I possibly can to fight him, because despite the way it so often feels, he is an infiltrator....and not actually "me". Sadly at times he appears to be stronger than I am, and gets ahold of the reins, but even when that is happening, my soul still exists.....independent of him. I sure wish I could remember all this when I'm in the grip of his power. Oh what a challenging existence......