Can't live up to life's expectations

I just turned 17 this past August and I feel like my life is going to end. I've been depressed for about maybe five years, that was when I started noticing changes in my way of thinking. Five years ago, I stole my mothers alcohol. Of course I lied and when I got in trouble, I felt horrible. Like I was dirty and evil. From then on it was down hill for my behavior, not very serious but serious enough to get grounded: like going to our apartments club house when I wasn't supposed to, getting on her computer w/o permission, etc. Well one day I was tired of being a loser so I said to myself that I wasnt going to lie anymore. And from then on I tried really hard but from the it's been hell. Me and my mother don't have a real good relationship, and now everything I say she thinks it's a lie. She thinks that everything I do is passive aggressive and I'm always forgetting something which makes her think worse of me. Just recently, maybe in the past few years, my OCD has gotten a lot worse because I have to check the doors 8 times just so I don't get yelled at amongst other things. It makes me feel like a child. When I can't do something right. And my dyslexia has gotten pretty bad also. But lately my depressions gotten so bad to where I've started cutting. At first I was cutting I don't know maybe once or twice a week, but when I started feeling worse I used it as my everyday medicine. I would use anything i could find: knife, razor, broken glass. Anything i could salvage.My mom found out and it made her cry, which of course made me cry. She asked me to promise I would stop and to not make my skin look ugly, but since I would not lie, I didn't because I knew I would keep going back to the blade. When I'm at school I have no one anymore to share my feelings with, and I feel alone... Kinda like a loner....I used to be bullied incessantly by being called giraffe, tree branch, ugly. I used to think I was pretty, but there's no point. Just recently, I've been more of a slacker and I cut my hair really short cause I didnt feel like worrying over it. To myself I look like a tomboy, but to my mom, I'm a supermodel. I use music as my escape and without it I'd be nothing right now. The kids who sorta know me, ask me what's wrong and I tell them nothing because. I feel like I'm depressed for no reason. But I try to hide my depression from everyone by joking a lot. I sometimes joke at the wrong times which still makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I started seeing myself dead and feel like somethings been lifted off my shoulders because I know I don't have to go on.... But would anyone miss me? I don't know... And sometimes don't care. I have not been to a psychologist but if I told them that everyday all day I want to die, I would be committed, and I don't want that. I need some help but I feel like I'm over exaggerating.

If that's what's keeping you from seeking help, don't go there. You're jumping to conclusions. a lot of teens go through periods of having/expressing death wishes.
I was diagnosed as clinically depressed when I was eight. It wasn't the right diagnosis, as it turned out. But I got enough help that I got beyond the death wish ... & the was a relief.
Please talk to your mom about finding a psychiatrist for a general evaluation, to see what may be going on. If the diagnosis doesn't seem right, get a second opinion. Don't take any meds without feeling really comfortable with any pdoc you may start seeing.
Life can be a lot better for you (& your relationship with your mother might get better). Don't stay isolated. I'm so glad you found PsychCentral. Keep posting & please talk with your mom.
Roadie

Welcome to PC! I'm very glad that you found us. It sounds like you are having a really hard time right now and I'm very sorry for that. You need to talk to your mother about your feelings and make her understand that this is very serious. It sounds like she loves you and would only want the best for you. She will help you see a doctor and get meds and maybe a referral to a Therapist. You really need a therapist and you need to stop cutting yourself. We have a forum for self harm that you may want to post in and you might also want to try the Depression forum. The people in those forums will support and help you and you will not feel alone. Please start posting and keep us informed about how you are doing.

i would talk to your mom about going to a psychologist. i see you mentioned having OCD and dyslexia. let me say that OCD rarely goes without depression. OCD is an anxiety disorder and I am sure that trying to balance school and everything with dyslexia is not easy. Are you feeling overwhlemed? that could be what is setting everything off. do you have accomodations at school? are you keeping up with homework? cutting is a way to control yourself, when you are feeling overwhelmed. a therapist would be able to work with you about what is really underneath all of it. because without getting to the cause, you wont really feel better.

i am a teen with learning disabilites, ocd, and anxiety, and went through some bad depression. so if you wanna talk to someone, pm me!

I feel very overwhelmed, everyday. I also forgot to mention I have 4 sibs 3 of which have autism. It's hard to help with them and try to keep up with school but I do it any way cause I love them so much. My grade started going downhill since I entered high school, the work load they gave us seemed like it was too much. My gpa dropped to a 1.87 and I feel like I don't have what it takes to bring it back up. I don't think my dyslexia really hinders me, because usually the only time you will know I have it is when I talk. If I talk without putting in a lot of thought first, I mixed up my words or end up talking with a Australian accent (which is weird). I swear... The only thing that might help keep me alive right now is my music and that sometimes is not guaranteed. And sometimes when I think about dying, I feel like it would make everyone's life around me better..... Thank you for your support. Its good to know someone out there cares.....

Thinking your death would make everyone else's life better is delusional thinking. That means no basis in reality--no grounds, it's tricks a mind plays when it's got no real data to work with.

You're not consciously doing this. But you are, in your way, signaling that you need some help. Please get it. With extra info about your siblings, you're really trying to carry too much with no assistance.
Roadie

I know I need help, I'm just afraid to. I'm afraid that the meds the psychiatrist will give me will make me feel worse about life. There's a song that I try to listen to often to clear my head. It's called never too late by Three Days Grace. And I try to listen and remember what message the song is supposed to deliver, but my thoughts get so blurry sometimes, that I don't care. I feel trapped... In a bottomless pit of depression....

Medication rarely has the side effect of making it worse. I really think there is too much on your plate right now. Make sure that u are eating, getting an 8 hr night sleep, etc. I was afraid to go to the psychiatrist but it changed my life for the better. If the med doesn't agree with u, u can always try a new one

Miswimmy's advise is good--Attend to the basics of food & sleep, so urgent for all you have going on. & she is right too that meds in general don't make things worse.

But you can't settle for "good enough." Find a pdoc who listens to you. Find one who commits with you to finding the best available drugs for you to meet your needs. These need to be monitored and adjusted on a regular basis.

For the time being, your pdoc needs to be you BFF. That's how I've gotten meds that make my life so much better & a therapist who listens & really helps me have a better quality life. I won't settle for less. You shouldn't either. You're worth it!!

Roadie

Thank you. I'll try to talk to my mom, but she's a little reluctant about letting me go to a therapist. Sleep is a privilege for me, not a right really. Eatings the only thing I do right. I love to eat... I'll try.

Whatever do you mean by this?
How is sleep as a privilege?

I'm sorry! I meant that I'm lucky to get 3 hours of sleep. It's not guaranteed to me.

You're suffering from sleep deprivation, then ... and that's affecting how you feel mentally. Probably physically as well.

I guess. Right now there's so many crazy thoughts running through my head, so many different emotions. I feel calm and angry at once. I don't know what to do. I am so close to cutting, but I'm trying to stop myself. My musics not helping and I'm scared......I have to cut.... I'll have to start over tomorrow....��

Please try to understand how many things you have working against you. When you say you "have to cut.... " you're likely speaking the truth. With so little sleep and so much stress in your life it's doubtful that you could make a clear-minded decision to not cut, and right now cutting is the only " tool" in your self-treatment toolbox.

It would be a miracle if you could sort out and resolve the problems you face by yourself without outside help. I so hope you're able to connect with some professional therapy--a psychiatrist, I hope, so that medications could be an option, if that seems a good choice for you.

Roadie