[Rose76]

With so many members here feeling bad, I hate to start a new thread, but I went and tumbled down a hole and have been down here in this bad place for over 4 days.

I am just crying and my back is sore. That is partly due to me doing nothing for these past few days.

I was doing good for quite awhile. I can't stay long on the computer due to my back and neck. If not for that, I could stay and read other member's posts and try to make helpful responses and help myself, too, by doing that. But lately, I don't read a lot on PC because sitting at the desk sets off muscle spasms.

The pain med I take for my neck and back seems to make me feel better mentally. But I don't take it often because it's a narcotic and I don't want to get into a bad habit.

I think my main problem is Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it, even though I come right out and tell the pdocs that it is my main problem. Maybe what I have is just Avoidant Trait, not the full-blown disorder. This goes back to as early as I can remember. It made childhood painful.

I would tell my parents and teachers that something was wrong with me. They would just tell me that I would be fine. In so many ways I did seem just fine. Everyone was predicting all kinds of success for me. Well, they were sure wrong.

So I have no one to do anything with. Oh, I have attracted people. Always, however, they have not truly been capable of real friendship that would be good for me. They have been people with whom I don't share important values. Monday, I helped my neighbor out with something. In the midst of me being there and helping her, she had critical things to say to me. That's what I attract - people who, themselves, are isolated and prone to bad attitudes. I don't want these kind of people glomming on to me. I was accepting that because I thought - "Well, anybody is better than nobody." But that's not true. I should select who I want to be friends with.

Like I had this "acquaitnance" that I did a lot of things with. She would speak of me as her friend, but I had reservations. Mainly, it seemed like she saw me as someone who could meet needs she had . . . like drive her places because she had no car. After years of us being involved, she called up asking for a ride and then hung up the phone when I declined to go pick her up. For months, she never called again . . . and I was glad. Now she is back calling. I've been kind of friendly (on the phone,) but I don't think I really want to renew that relationship.

I guess I don't believe that really nice people would want to be bothered with me. In a way, though, I know that's not true. When I was working as a nurse, so many patients and their families would tell me how much regard they had for me. It seemed like I could win over just about anybody. Well, I could win over the people I cared for, but I kept getting into trouble with my employers by arguing about things that I thought were not right. That was immature of me. I know now that you have to accept how the world works.

I am isolated, now. I just got my first SSDI check. The roof over my head is secure, which relieves a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, it is that much easier for me to withdraw from life.

Where I get my mental health care is not a good place. They have a support group I could attend. Maybe I should. Somehow, I don't have a good feeling about it.

I do have to do something . . . volunteer . . . join a book club . . . get a part time job . . . something. I know I have to do something like that. But I am afraid and discouraged that anything will be worth going out of the house for. I know that sounds like defeatist thinking. It comes from a history of hurtful rejections, combined with being exploited by some who I have let into my life.

One pdoc, years ago, diagnosed me with Atypical Depression. I think that was the best guess any pdoc ever made. It is actually the most common form of depression, and it is characterized by rejection sensitivity. He recommended MAOI's, but I didn't like the dietary restrictions, and I'm concerned about negative things I have read about these drugs.

I helped myself a little bit by writing all this.

[alone in the world]

Rose, your story is mine in so many ways. I avoid going out of my house and my anxiety creeps up when I do. Not having structured time is not healthy for me, so I had to make a change. 2 weeks ago I began volunteering for the Red Cross and it has gving me some of my confidence back as I am helping people like I did when I worked as a social worker. I too receive SSDI and have guilty feelings around that. I think joining a group is a good idea, it is working for me. finding something meaningful to do is also a good idea. Maybe you can volunteer somewhere where you can use your nursing skills. Breaking the isolation cycle is hard but I believe you can do it just think positive. feel free anytime to PM me I can always use a friend and want to offer you support. keep posting as well as that does seem to help. take care.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Rose76

...I have attracted people. Always, however, they have not truly been capable of real friendship that would be good for me.

Rose76, have you every really explored this by yourself or with the assistance of a therapist? Is attracting those incapable of true friendship somehow related to the avoidance trait/disorder? (Feel free to ignore my questions. They jumped up at me when reading your post.)

Originally Posted by Rose76

The roof over my head is secure, which relieves a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, it is that much easier for me to withdraw from life.

The support is both a relief and a threat -- that's familiar. I've withdrawn from life. Sometimes, though, I ask myself whether the withdrawal was inevitable.

[unaluna]

I don't know if this applies, but yes, it IS okay to be picky about who your friends are. My family always told me I couldn't afford to be picky, but they were wrong. I never realized they had such a low opinion of me, like they thought I was dumb and didn't even deserve the grades I got. I was fairly well-liked in school, just not by my family! well, guess what takes precedence in your head? I used to be against the idea of peer pressure, I think maybe now I wish I had listened to it more. rose, you are liked and respected and appreciated here. and empathized with. now that the roof is secure, take a breath and just make it a goal not to let anything or anyone upset you. that's what I did! that's what the government wants you to do, that's how I look at it

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by Rose76

With so many members here feeling bad, I hate to start a new thread, but I went and tumbled down a hole and have been down here in this bad place for over 4 days.

I am just crying and my back is sore. That is partly due to me doing nothing for these past few days.

I was doing good for quite awhile. I can't stay long on the computer due to my back and neck. If not for that, I could stay and read other member's posts and try to make helpful responses and help myself, too, by doing that. But lately, I don't read a lot on PC because sitting at the desk sets off muscle spasms.

The pain med I take for my neck and back seems to make me feel better mentally. But I don't take it often because it's a narcotic and I don't want to get into a bad habit.

I think my main problem is Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it, even though I come right out and tell the pdocs that it is my main problem. Maybe what I have is just Avoidant Trait, not the full-blown disorder. This goes back to as early as I can remember. It made childhood painful.

I would tell my parents and teachers that something was wrong with me. They would just tell me that I would be fine. In so many ways I did seem just fine. Everyone was predicting all kinds of success for me. Well, they were sure wrong.

So I have no one to do anything with. Oh, I have attracted people. Always, however, they have not truly been capable of real friendship that would be good for me. They have been people with whom I don't share important values. Monday, I helped my neighbor out with something. In the midst of me being there and helping her, she had critical things to say to me. That's what I attract - people who, themselves, are isolated and prone to bad attitudes. I don't want these kind of people glomming on to me. I was accepting that because I thought - "Well, anybody is better than nobody." But that's not true. I should select who I want to be friends with.

Like I had this "acquaitnance" that I did a lot of things with. She would speak of me as her friend, but I had reservations. Mainly, it seemed like she saw me as someone who could meet needs she had . . . like drive her places because she had no car. After years of us being involved, she called up asking for a ride and then hung up the phone when I declined to go pick her up. For months, she never called again . . . and I was glad. Now she is back calling. I've been kind of friendly (on the phone,) but I don't think I really want to renew that relationship.

I guess I don't believe that really nice people would want to be bothered with me. In a way, though, I know that's not true. When I was working as a nurse, so many patients and their families would tell me how much regard they had for me. It seemed like I could win over just about anybody. Well, I could win over the people I cared for, but I kept getting into trouble with my employers by arguing about things that I thought were not right. That was immature of me. I know now that you have to accept how the world works.

I am isolated, now. I just got my first SSDI check. The roof over my head is secure, which relieves a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, it is that much easier for me to withdraw from life.

Where I get my mental health care is not a good place. They have a support group I could attend. Maybe I should. Somehow, I don't have a good feeling about it.

I do have to do something . . . volunteer . . . join a book club . . . get a part time job . . . something. I know I have to do something like that. But I am afraid and discouraged that anything will be worth going out of the house for. I know that sounds like defeatist thinking. It comes from a history of hurtful rejections, combined with being exploited by some who I have let into my life.

One pdoc, years ago, diagnosed me with Atypical Depression. I think that was the best guess any pdoc ever made. It is actually the most common form of depression, and it is characterized by rejection sensitivity. He recommended MAOI's, but I didn't like the dietary restrictions, and I'm concerned about negative things I have read about these drugs.

I helped myself a little bit by writing all this.

Yes, it helps me to writing my thoughts out when I am able to. It is a difficult thing for me to go outside and to develop friendships like many here. Everyone has different reasons for coming to such a situation, but we do share the understanding of depression and loneliness. Today I will do something to help my depression like exercise at least 20 minutes.

Hang in there Rose I wish you wouldn't be so reluctant to make new threads when you're going through a hard time. That's the main reason we're here

[Rachel.i]

Hi Rose, when you say you know it's not true that really nice people wouldn't want to bothered with you, I think you are right. Maybe it is your gut instinct confirming that you are worthy of having nice people in your life.

You said you have a history of hurtful rejections and of being exploited by some. So do I. For me, I did sometimes think I had to accept just anybody because I didn't feel worthy enough of a reciprocal friendship. And I think those kind of people, users and/or critical people, have a kind of honing device to pick out their next "friend." If the "friendship" doesn't work out, often they move on to the next one who will put up with them. I just dumped a woman who had glommed onto me, even started calling me her "agent." (Yeah, her unpaid one). Wasn't worth the effort on my part or the wasted time. I would rather be alone! You are right that you should select who you want to be friends with... or at least have a say-so in it.

It seems to me your thoughts are pretty straight-on... though I know putting thoughts into actions is a whole lot harder. Volunteering, book club, p/t job, they all sound like a good idea. I just joined a club and have been thinking a while about volunteering, as I'm not working, besides a little research and investing. Lack of structure isn't always a good thing..

Anyways, sorry about your back pain. And I'm glad you helped yourself a little bit by writing some of your thoughts down.

[Rose76]

I'm touched to get so many encouraging responses. Thank you all. I suppose I could reach out more than I do - here and IRL.

My back won't let me sit here much longer. I can respond more, maybe, tomorrow.

[kebsfroggy]

First off, I'm not a medical professional. I am frog of little brain. I've been hanging around pc now for quite some time.

Let me first say, I'm so glad that you wrote about your feelings and how you're feeling about your current condition. Sometimes just the physical activity of writing helps. Other times it is the seeing in black and white what is troubling you that is the answer.

Many things you mentioned reminded me of me awhile ago. My diagnosis was more like a bingo game. Put your hand in the container and pull out a #. If you pick three #s in a row or column, bingo, you have the diagnosis for the week. So many tries, so many mis-steps and no improvement. It took many med.-treatment combos including losing 30 yrs of my life, before I found the dr. who actually listened. This is not easy especially if you have been previously "tagged". There aren't many who listen to what you're saying and how you're saying it.

Your prescribed a narcotic, if it works use it without fear of addiction. Be sure to talk with your doc about the effect and the results you desire. Plus tell him outright that you are afraid of becoming addicted and what symptoms you should look for. Or perhaps he will change to a combo of new drugs or a drug like cymbalta which lately has been accepted as a treatment for pain and also one of the depression drugs.

I'm sure you are a wonderful person, even if I don't know you. You have talked yourself into a deep hole of depression with no way out. I've been in those deep, dark, terrifying places with no escape. Each try to get back to normal meets with defeat. Leaving you consumed with depression that causes your isolation. Been there, done that, way too many times to count.

But it was my mood that was stopping me. In some underhanded, self-centered way I concluded my feelings about myself (self-esteem) determine my mood. Those around me responded to my mood. When your self esteem is low, you dislike yourself and that reflects in your mood. People respond to the mood you present to the world. Keeping a possitive mood was next to impossible to change. Finally, after enough meds. and a special person I can call to have a "vent" session when I need it, things look a little brighter now after 12 yrs. Of course, that is until the next crisis hits.

You mentioned you had a problem with friendship and isolation. The word itself has many different descriptions. Some consider friendship a major commitment with no exceptions. Others have different "types" of friendship. Your friendship is all encompassing. An entity with specific requirements and you require all aspects to be necessary to be a friend. Everything else is just an acquaintance.

However, many apply the concept of friendship in a more relaxed way into different categories. Their requirements that make you a friend are different from yours, i.e. my walking friend, my shopping friend, my Facebook friend. Your idea of what a friend is and what someone else considers a friend can be entirely different.

You need to accept their idea of "friend". You must consider them only as an acquaintance if they don’t meet you requirement for friend. Whether you tell them is entirely up to you but telling them may hinder your relationship with this person and could force you into isolation. How you present your view of “acquaintance” and “friend” will change your life.

I wish you the best.
always feel free to post.
kebs

[Rose76]

Rachel - Thank you. Your post here wasn't viewable by me when I was last here. (We were typing at the same time.) Like the others above, you have helped me with your understanding. I really do have a history of being targeted by individuals who have an "eye" for whom they might be able to exploit. What you say about the "honing device" syndrome is a reality that people who are "wise to the ways of the world" catch on to earlier in life than I did. Lack of experience with life - that I think comes from having been introverted - has led to me being a little slow on the uptake at times. Yes, I do believe that gets spotted. Also, I've cooperated with the "designs" of others, even after I could see where they were coming from. Like I said, I kind of figured it was either that or have contact with nobody. That was selling myself short. I want to approach life differently, since that sure didn't work out well. I even do feel compassion for the type of people who did "glom" on to me. Their stories are kind of sad too. That tends to tug on my heartstrings. I got to toughen up a bit. That acquaintance who depended on me for rides has since found a neighbor who lends his second car to her. She does always find a solution . . . she moves on, alright. What really disenchanted me with her was that I've seen her be quite uncharitable . . . and worse. I would not describe her as a kind person. That's what I mean about us having different values.

froggy - I am thinking very hard about what to say to people, like the acquaintance I just described. You make a very good point about how I can "hinder" myself by blurting out what I think, when that may not be necessary or appropriate. Yes, to me "friendship" is something sacred, like the commitment you make to someone you love. In the past, I've been told that I have a tendency toward "all-or-nothing" thinking. I understand that, in life, things are not just black or white. I want to learn to get more comfortable with handling those shades of grey. I can have room in my life for people who are less than what I would consider true-blue friends. In fact, I understand that life could be pretty empty otherwise. I just have to learn how to strike that balance of allowing the amount of closeness that any given relationship merits, and not get over-involved to my own detriment. I could be waiting forever to meet a candidate for a true-blue, reciprocal friendship. That long wait could be due, in part, to me not taking more initiative. It's like I got behind in life, and now it's hard to catch up.

I'm glad things are brighter for you, now. You are a thoughtful person who ought not to be spending long intervals in deep, dark places with no escape. Sounds like you've progressed. Maybe I can, too.

alone - Not having structured time is turning out awful for me. I don't have a lot of natural self-discipline. I had thought that once I got SSDI, I would be able to put energy into something worthwhile. That is going to be harder than I anticipated. Just 3 days ago, I got my first check. Guilt has descended upon me. It's good to hear that you have found it rewarding to work with the Red Cross. I do know that it can be not all that easy to secure a volunteer position. The application process can be like going after a paying-job. The Humane Society wants references. Not knowing people is quite a handicap - on a number of fronts.

Hi all - Vicodin helped my back, but it's getting harder to sit in this chair. So I better conclude for now. I will read all these responses again, tomorrow, and that will help me a lot. Thank you all so much.

[Onward2wards]

Hi Rose. I can relate very much to your story.

[Rachel.i]

Rose, you make some good points about "user" kind of friends. They do seem to latch onto kind people often, simply because they know a kind person is likely going to sympathize/empathize, and help them out. My mother is an extrovert but she is exceedingly kind, one of the kindest people I know of really, and she picks up so many of these people, to her detriment. I always wish she would keep her kindness but mix more iron in. And not infrequently, as you noted, people seeking kindness/help, may not be so kind themselves. Hardened, jaded, hustlers, just very troubled people, who knows on an individual basis? Have seen this too. (I ain't real young!)

I also understand about these not-so-reciprocating friends tugging on the heartstrings. The woman friend I recently cut most ties with was a single mother in a tough job situation, and I really felt for her. But when I needed anything, even just someone to listen, it was if she had blinders on that said "Me, all about me, don't ask about you."

You say you got to toughen up a bit. That may be so. I know I had to.

Hope I'm not overloading you with a second response, but friends is a topic I've been thinking about pretty often lately. The kind I'm thinking about are like the ones you'd want to have for a sibling or wish were family... and are so important, but the landscape can be difficult to navigate... ain't giving up, though, and I hope you don't either, and find the good friends you deserve.

Best wishes to you.

[kebsfroggy]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Rachel - Thank you. Your post here wasn't viewable by me when I was last here. (We were typing at the same time.) Like the others above, you have helped me with your understanding. I really do have a history of being targeted by individuals who have an "eye" for whom they might be able to exploit. What you say about the "honing device" syndrome is a reality that people who are "wise to the ways of the world" catch on to earlier in life than I did. Lack of experience with life - that I think comes from having been introverted - has led to me being a little slow on the uptake at times. Yes, I do believe that gets spotted. Also, I've cooperated with the "designs" of others, even after I could see where they were coming from. Like I said, I kind of figured it was either that or have contact with nobody. That was selling myself short. I want to approach life differently, since that sure didn't work out well. I even do feel compassion for the type of people who did "glom" on to me. Their stories are kind of sad too. That tends to tug on my heartstrings. I got to toughen up a bit. That acquaintance who depended on me for rides has since found a neighbor who lends his second car to her. She does always find a solution . . . she moves on, alright. What really disenchanted me with her was that I've seen her be quite uncharitable . . . and worse. I would not describe her as a kind person. That's what I mean about us having different values.

froggy - I am thinking very hard about what to say to people, like the acquaintance I just described. You make a very good point about how I can "hinder" myself by blurting out what I think, when that may not be necessary or appropriate. Yes, to me "friendship" is something sacred, like the commitment you make to someone you love. In the past, I've been told that I have a tendency toward "all-or-nothing" thinking. I understand that, in life, things are not just black or white. I want to learn to get more comfortable with handling those shades of grey. I can have room in my life for people who are less than what I would consider true-blue friends. In fact, I understand that life could be pretty empty otherwise. I just have to learn how to strike that balance of allowing the amount of closeness that any given relationship merits, and not get over-involved to my own detriment. I could be waiting forever to meet a candidate for a true-blue, reciprocal friendship. That long wait could be due, in part, to me not taking more initiative. It's like I got behind in life, and now it's hard to catch up.

I'm glad things are brighter for you, now. You are a thoughtful person who ought not to be spending long intervals in deep, dark places with no escape. Sounds like you've progressed. Maybe I can, too.

alone - Not having structured time is turning out awful for me. I don't have a lot of natural self-discipline. I had thought that once I got SSDI, I would be able to put energy into something worthwhile. That is going to be harder than I anticipated. Just 3 days ago, I got my first check. Guilt has descended upon me. It's good to hear that you have found it rewarding to work with the Red Cross. I do know that it can be not all that easy to secure a volunteer position. The application process can be like going after a paying-job. The Humane Society wants references. Not knowing people is quite a handicap - on a number of fronts.

Hi all - Vicodin helped my back, but it's getting harder to sit in this chair. So I better conclude for now. I will read all these responses again, tomorrow, and that will help me a lot. Thank you all so much.

Thanks for understanding my reflections and ramblings on friendship. There is the true blue friendship you want to spend the rest of your life with. However, your life is full of less than true blue encounters. To determine how you will approach those encounters can lead to isolation or an enrichment in your life experience.
Best of luck
kebs

[Snowy83]

I can totally relate to your post about attracting bad people all the times, there goes my trust issue. You are not alone

[Rose76]

Rohag - I was in therapy for years. I no longer see it as a help to me, personally. After so many years, it gets to be just hearing the same things over again. A therapist did point out to me that I was investing a lot of emotional energy in people I did not really trust. I think of that often. I think I finally figured out what it is that I have to do. #1) Cut those "users" loose, or give way less of myself to them. #2) Go out and get involved in things that attract people who share some values with me. Once I was involved in a church charitable society. I met one of the nicest people there. She invited me to Thanksgiving dinner at her house, knowing I was new in town. I declined because I had a previous engagement, which was just spending the day with my alcoholic live-in boyfriend. I should have left him alone and gone to her house. Too late now. That was a lot of years ago. I'm sorry to hear you say you've "withdrawn from life." You seem too nice not to be involved with friends.

Hankster - Thank you. I kind of always assume I'm intruding, unless I get specifically told that I am welcome. We've read each others posts for some time now, and for you to think well of me helps me believe in myself a little more. Yes, so much goes back to growing up in the families we had. Mine treated me okay, but used to convey the message that the world outside of the family was not to be trusted. "Let's not get involved with the neighbors." was - like - the motto on our family crest. So I didn't learn how to get involved in a healthy way. My parents kind of had the same problem that I have. Their solution was to isolate. I wanted to be different, and I sure am. I need to find that happy medium.

Optimize - You set a good example. I need to set a goal to do something physical today. It's nice weather for bike riding. Don't know if I'll make it out the door, or not.

George - I will be less reluctant. It feels good to hear that others are here for me. It feels very good. This thread helped me so much yesterday. Today I need to start helping myself.

[Rose76]

I took my brother to the hospital yesterday for a medical test. He had to have someone with him. He took me to lunch afterwards. He seemed to be being pretty well-behaved. I was glad, and felt kind of good to be with him.

At lunch, he said some odd things. He asked me if my sore neck was a result of "lack of exercise." He has made negative remarks on and off in the past implying that I am lazy. Another thing he said was odd. He said he was surprised that my S/O was still alive seeing as how he had so many medical problems.

I just dismissed this stuff as careless words. I think I am wrong to do that. I think he test people all the time with what I call "button-pushing." It's not even a month since he got arrested for assault.

I was genuinely trying to help him. It seemed like he was trying to be nice. But he's got so much dark and negative in him that I guess it just leaks out no matter what his intentions. I'm not so sure I trust his intentions either.

Anyways, I am awful down thinking about what he said. I know that is foolish of me. It is how I feel though. I don't want to let him keep getting away with sneaking in insults of me, which he has a history of doing. One of his own lawyers told me I was wasting my good intentions on him.

I would appreciate if anyone can help me. Already it's been nice of you all above to try. I am sorry to be back here whining, but I am in tears and feel very bad. I don't know where to turn.

You aren't whining Rose. I've never heard of anyone getting a sore neck from lack of exercise. I'm sure he hasn't either so yes he was being rude. The comment about your SO was even worse. I don't know if telling you what you know will help much but I hope it's a little positive reinforcement. Try not to let it get you down any more than it has.

[TerryL]

Can you tell your brother how you feel? I know that is hard to do though with some people.

[James0805]

Originally Posted by Rose76

With so many members here feeling bad, I hate to start a new thread, but I went and tumbled down a hole and have been down here in this bad place for over 4 days.

I am just crying and my back is sore. That is partly due to me doing nothing for these past few days.

I was doing good for quite awhile. I can't stay long on the computer due to my back and neck. If not for that, I could stay and read other member's posts and try to make helpful responses and help myself, too, by doing that. But lately, I don't read a lot on PC because sitting at the desk sets off muscle spasms.

The pain med I take for my neck and back seems to make me feel better mentally. But I don't take it often because it's a narcotic and I don't want to get into a bad habit.

I think my main problem is Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it, even though I come right out and tell the pdocs that it is my main problem. Maybe what I have is just Avoidant Trait, not the full-blown disorder. This goes back to as early as I can remember. It made childhood painful.

I would tell my parents and teachers that something was wrong with me. They would just tell me that I would be fine. In so many ways I did seem just fine. Everyone was predicting all kinds of success for me. Well, they were sure wrong.

So I have no one to do anything with. Oh, I have attracted people. Always, however, they have not truly been capable of real friendship that would be good for me. They have been people with whom I don't share important values. Monday, I helped my neighbor out with something. In the midst of me being there and helping her, she had critical things to say to me. That's what I attract - people who, themselves, are isolated and prone to bad attitudes. I don't want these kind of people glomming on to me. I was accepting that because I thought - "Well, anybody is better than nobody." But that's not true. I should select who I want to be friends with.

Like I had this "acquaitnance" that I did a lot of things with. She would speak of me as her friend, but I had reservations. Mainly, it seemed like she saw me as someone who could meet needs she had . . . like drive her places because she had no car. After years of us being involved, she called up asking for a ride and then hung up the phone when I declined to go pick her up. For months, she never called again . . . and I was glad. Now she is back calling. I've been kind of friendly (on the phone,) but I don't think I really want to renew that relationship.

I guess I don't believe that really nice people would want to be bothered with me. In a way, though, I know that's not true. When I was working as a nurse, so many patients and their families would tell me how much regard they had for me. It seemed like I could win over just about anybody. Well, I could win over the people I cared for, but I kept getting into trouble with my employers by arguing about things that I thought were not right. That was immature of me. I know now that you have to accept how the world works.

I am isolated, now. I just got my first SSDI check. The roof over my head is secure, which relieves a lot of anxiety. On the other hand, it is that much easier for me to withdraw from life.

Where I get my mental health care is not a good place. They have a support group I could attend. Maybe I should. Somehow, I don't have a good feeling about it.

I do have to do something . . . volunteer . . . join a book club . . . get a part time job . . . something. I know I have to do something like that. But I am afraid and discouraged that anything will be worth going out of the house for. I know that sounds like defeatist thinking. It comes from a history of hurtful rejections, combined with being exploited by some who I have let into my life.

One pdoc, years ago, diagnosed me with Atypical Depression. I think that was the best guess any pdoc ever made. It is actually the most common form of depression, and it is characterized by rejection sensitivity. He recommended MAOI's, but I didn't like the dietary restrictions, and I'm concerned about negative things I have read about these drugs.

I helped myself a little bit by writing all this.

I have a problem with rejection too. I haven't really had any friends in a few years. I just stay in contact with my folks. I haven't been on a date in probably 15 years. It's hard not to feel alone. My heart goes out to you.

[Rose76]

George H. - thank you. It does help an awful lot to read your reply. I don't have many people in my life. I'm kind of alone a lot with no one to bounce things off of. So validation from PC members nice enough to care means a lot. It may seem like you're just telling me what I already know, but it's not. I have this tendency to make excuses for others to a point that probably is too far, and I don't have a confident idea of where I have a right to draw the line. I always cultivated a philosophy of "It's best to be charitable." My brother knows me and I think he takes advantage of me. I'm starting to think he gets some sick satisfaction out of messing with my mind. I am calming down today and trying to not let this dominate my thoughts. I appreciate the reinforcement. I'm so lacking in a sense of what is appropriate that I didn't even come up with the suspicion that he was being rude until hours after being with him. I just knew I felt bad and tried to figure out why.

TerryL - I'm not sure about what to tell my brother. Maybe it seems like I'm making this more complicated than it is, but here's why: My brother has a history of massive problems in coping with life. He is diagnosed with psych disorders. He is also capable of being mean and nasty. And I don't think the latter is an automatic product of the former. But that seems to be the premise he thinks excuses everything. If I tell him that his remarks upset me, I think he will be very gratified. I think he loves to upset people. So I'm confused about how to interact with him. I have two sisters who simply will NOT interact with him. They wrote him off long ago, and I have no problem with them deciding that. They live far away. I think I will say something to him. Yesterday, I overworked my brain on it and couldn't decide what would be the appropriate thing to say. He absolutely will not allow anyone to give him negative feedback. He will go into a tantrum and walk away. That would be no loss. Mainly, I guess I'm not sure if he was just being careless, or meant to be unkind. That happens to me a lot with other people to. Like - my neighbor has said to me that when she seems my blinds and curtains drawn, then she says to herself that "Rose is crazy again." (alluding to my recurrent episodes of depression.) The saying goes, "You teach people how to treat you." I seem to attract put-downs, and I do suspect it has something to do with me letting people think that "You can get away with saying anything to Rose." Somehow, I have to turn that around. Here at PC, I feel respected and kindly treated. I really appreciate the supportive feedback.

James0805 - thank you. I'm sorry for what you are experiencing and I appreciate the empathy. Sometimes being alone is not the worst thing. I'm not ready to give up on having some relationships. I do think I want to stop investing in bad ones, or at least discourage bad behaviour toward me.

Thanks everyone. With not working, I am alone so much. How to relate to people seems like a hard thing for me to figure out. I miss having a job.

I want to come out of my shell IRL. I know that won't be painless, but I want to not be walking around wounded all the time. I take stuff too seriously, sometimes.

Maybe the next time my brother says something that I believe is rude, I'll simply say, "I feel offended by that remark." I can leave it right there - short and simple - and he can figure out what he wants to say, or do, next. If his move is to get more nasty, then I can disengage and MOVE ON with better uses of my time, thought and energy.

[TerryL]

my neighbor has said to me that when she seems my blinds and curtains drawn, then she says to herself that "Rose is crazy again." (alluding to my recurrent episodes of depression.)

Rose, your neighbor obviously has never experienced depression before or known anyone with the condition. Her remark is really insensitive.

The saying goes, "You teach people how to treat you." I seem to attract put-downs, and I do suspect it has something to do with me letting people think that "You can get away with saying anything to Rose." Somehow, I have to turn that around.

I'm not assertive myself so I understand how hard it is to stand up for oneself but I know you have it in you.

Maybe the next time my brother says something that I believe is rude, I'll simply say, "I feel offended by that remark." I can leave it right there - short and simple - and he can figure out what he wants to say, or do, next. If his move is to get more nasty, then I can disengage and MOVE ON with better uses of my time, thought and energy.

That sounds like a great plan. He should be grateful that you are kind-hearted enough to take care of him since it seems everyone else has washed their hands of him. I hope you can work things out between the two of you.

[and_im_still_here]

Rose im here, cuz im_still_here dont have many words been down and trying to get out of it just like you but ive come to the idea that i need a friend we are friends we are far away but we care for each other and i maintain a prayer for you and your health i love u keep up miss

[Rose76]

TerryL - Thank you for taking the time to consider my predicament. Your responses are much appreciated and I don't feel so bad now. I have been strengthened by the validation and encouragement you and others have given me. Basically, I think I needed to calm down and compose myself. Seems like I have. Before I was so upset and couldn't seem to shake it. I have a calmer, more confident sense of what to do. I feel like I am learning things that lots of people learn much sooner in life. Like I am trying to finish becoming grown up. Given my age, it is high time.

and_im_still_here - Thanks for your very kind words. It helps to remember that I am not alone in struggling. I hope you can gain ground in what challenges you. Thank you for the warmth of your support.

: (((HUGS))) for everyone who has been so gracious as to come here and give me acceptance and encouragement. I really was distraught. I have rebounded and feel like I can meet these challenges, or, at least learn to improve in meeting them. I am learning to not let others control my mind. I will slow down in responding to others. I will stop caring so much about how other's feel that I let them hurt me. I have a right to take care of me. I feel like I have made good progress thinking about these things. Thanks, Everyone, for the help.