[tokiwartooth]

I have often wondered if this is something that I have. In the past, I used to close my drapes and put towels over the windows because I thought the neighbors were spying on me to have me taken away from my mother. Any notes I would write, sometimes journal entries, I would rip into tiny pieces and flush down the toilet so no one would find them. I've still thought that the government watches us through our TVs, monitors our phone calls and emails and online searches, and is out to get us. And I've always been afraid that people can listen in on my thoughts. So I try not to think negative, scary thoughts. I am prone to bouts of anger, sometimes for no apparent reason. I have hypersomnia, not insomnia, and if you let me, I will sleep 15+ hours a day. Sometimes I feel like spirits try to communicate with me because I think I hear them in my head. I hear random words, thoughts, sentences in my head that seem to come from nowhere. Especially if I'm really tired. I don't hallucinate. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. It started getting really bad 12 years ago, which is when I finally sought help. But I never told them about the other stuff. Only the fact that I am depressed. I've been petrified of being labeled a crazy person.

[SoupDragon]

My T persuades me not to think in terms of labels, but just in terms of how I am. My T tells me that I am OK, but it is how I interact with the world where the problem lies - so none of us are crazy, we just have a heap of defences that we have built around us to keep us safe and some of these make us see the world a little different sometimes.

I don't know whether your experiences are "psychotic depression", but there are some things there that you have written, that seem to lie outside of "just" depression. I guess if you have those thoughts, it must make it difficult to talk to a professional, you must really have to trust that person to open up completely.

Do those other thoughts bother you?

Soup

(love Monty Python by the way)

[Leed]

Don't be afraid to tell them EVERYTHING you've told us. It won't be the first time they've heard it, believe me. Tell your therapist. They've heard it all before, and they won't think you're a "crazy person." They'll just think that you need therapy and that's why you're there. Simple as that. If you don't tell them everything, they can't really treat you because you aren't being open and honest with them. By leaving out the important stuff, you are in effect lying to them. So you MUST tell them everything in order to be effectively treated.

So don't be afraid to honestly tell the therapist everything. They know there are people who think the same things that you think. They know there are folks who hear certain things, like you do. So stop worrying, and just tell them. Without being honest, you can't be treated properly and be healed. So tell your therapist all, okay? And God bless -- and let us know what happens, okay? We're behind you 100%. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[tokiwartooth]

The other thoughts, or what I call spirits, don't bother me. The paranoia does. I need to open up, but I'm afraid they'll want to put me away.

[missbelle]

I know what you mean...there are things I have never told my pdoc and I never will. The meds work well for me along with other tools I use to help me but being quite intelligent I know that some of the things I would tell him borders on totally nuts(especially things that happened long ago) I see no reason now at my age to tell him something that was in the past for me. For you, it might be important to tell everything no matter how weird. Now there are great meds out there that really help, and why live literally in hell when you do not have too. I also agree with the last post that you do have to have someone you really trust

Depression just in itself does crazy things to us. We perceive the world differently then others and a lot of those things you talk about are common when our mind is tired and stressed. Those things you worry about,may be common for others as well. Our minds play tricks on us!!!

[tokiwartooth]

Well actually the only person I completely trust is my mom. She knows about most of the stuff, but some of it I've just been too embarrassed to tell her. Like the fear of people monitoring our thoughts. Or putting towels over my windows. Or the fear that people can watch what I do all day no matter where they are or where I am. Like psychically. I know that sounds crazy. That's why I've never actually told anyone that. She does know of my fear of the government monitoring us through our TVs and such.

[ZeldaX]

I have had depression for forty plus years, and have had some experiences with psychotic depression. Let me assure you of one thing--"they" will not put you away. I have paranoia also but it is part of the illness. No one can put you away because there are no longer public asylums for the 'insane' or mentally ill. All the places you can go for in patient treatment require insurance and lots of money, so tell your therapist everything you want. The worst that can happen is a three day hold at the local hospital, which is just a floor in the regular hospital, with TVs and magazines, etc.

Mental illness affects well over half of the people on the planet at some time in their lives. There is nothing to be embarrassed about or afraid of. Get help.

[tokiwartooth]

I do see a doctor for my meds, but I have been without insurance for 4 years. I've just got insurance through work but I'm still on the probationary period. After another 2.5 months it will kick in and I'll get help. I tried the state but I missed an appt bc I was sick and they tossed my file out. There is a free clinic but it runs only during my work hours and only during the week. I can't miss work during the first 90 days. I've been on meds since before I lost my coverage, and one of them works well, clomipramine, but it's mainly for my OCD and not so much the depression. I am going to talk about upping the dosage though bc my tics are becoming a little more prominent and annoying, but still, nothing like they used to be. I've been on clomipramine for 10 years and it still works, unlike the other stuff I have taken, many meds, that last for about 2 years and then lose their effectiveness at the highest dosage. My wellbutrin will probably need to be upped, and I'm sure after a few years I'll have to find another med. But thank goodness I have insurance now, GOOD insurance, and I can find a doctor that can work with my work hours.

[Rose76]

Sometimes chronically depressed persons can have psychotic features as well as low mood. At one time, I was told by a doctor that my bouts of intense, unbearable frustration and anger crossed over into the realm of a mental state that was psychotic. That is a hard thing to hear, but I was kind of glad to have my distress recognized. And it didn't lead to anyone putting a straitjacket on me. Psychotic features are more common than we tend to think.

Your symptoms should be reported to your doctor. Keeping them a secret will actually make it harder for you to cope. Also, medication can possibly reduce these symptoms. It's worth a try. After 12 years of struggling, it's time to be open with a doctor about what you experience. I hope you will do that.

[tokiwartooth]

I had one doctor in high school want to put me on risperdal. I said no way, the side effects of that I think are worse than the feelings. He was the same moron who out of the blue questions me about my acne. No, I hadn't even thought about it until you brought it up moron. If a session with him was over, it was over, and if you were still in the middle of saying something, he would cut you off and say the session is over, you have to leave now. I went to someone else after that. The moron doctor, he was the physical embodiment of an overweight Freud. He even talked like it bc he was German. I do have psychotic features, and obsessive features that go along with the depression, like falling in love with someone and then they are all you can think about. I don't just mean a crush or a passing fancy, I mean like full blown love, can't get him out of my mind, have to visit his work just so I can see him type of thing. I've always been that way. And I always fall for someone I either can't have, or that doesn't feel the same way. I don't know if it's a subconscious fear of commitment, which it might be, because I've had three boyfriends in my entire life. I'm almost 30. I want a relationship, but I don't want to be smothered, I need my space, even though I would like to spend time with someone who cares about me, but if I need alone time, I need someone who will understand that. I haven't had a relationship in 8 years. I haven't had ANYTHING in 8 years. Except loving someone I can't have. Actually, three someones, one a former professor of mine who was married, although on his behalf he had feelings as well, we just never acted on them. The second was a woman I worked with who was in an abusive marriage and had feelings but was afraid to leave her husband bc he might kill her. Then when I moved back to NC I fell for my boss, a married man with a daughter only a few years younger than me. He's in his late forties. My first boyfriend was in high school, I was a senior, and he turned out to be a total weirdo so I left him. My second boyfriend was when I was 20, he was 50, and my mom found out and that came to an end. My third was a guy that turned out to be a very close friend of mine to this day, but he's a recovered drug addict and recovered alcoholic with some mental problems as well. We decided to remain friends because he ended up becoming sort of like a brother to me. But the man that I love now, I wake up thinking about him, I go to bed thinking about him, I dream about him. I wake up crying. I go to the store and buy stuff just so I can see him. I only go in if I see his car in the lot. Then it's like I've had my fix, I can go home now. But then it wears off, like a drug, and I wait a few days or a week and I have to go in again. Find something to buy, cat food, home goods, something so that I don't look like a total weirdo coming in there. The only thing is, there are some things that I need that are only carried in that store, so I have to go in anyhow. If he only knew, he'd probably think I'm a horrible person. I am a horrible person. Loving someone else's husband, loving a man almost 20 years older than me, someone's father. A beautiful man who I don't think people appreciate enough. Especially his employees. I can't see how someone could just walk by him and not notice what an incredible, awesome person he is. It's one more element in my depression that when it takes ahold, it doesn't like to let go soon. It can take me a year or more to get over someone. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over him. Now that I don't work with him, I will be better off, that's for sure, but on the other hand, not seeing him literally makes me feel sick. I'm not a threat to anyone or anything, just a sad and lonely person who would like someone to care for her and treat her well. Someone I can spend my life with. Someone who I won't end up making just a friend out of. I have such a bad habit of doing that with guys and girls I like.

[LucyG]

Has your doctor ever checked you for pernicious anemia where you can't absorb vitamin B12? If not, you should ask him to run the test as pyschosis is one of the symptoms of it.

[Rose76]

Your relational life, up to the age of 30, sounds a lot like my own relational life, up to the same age. (You would be surprised.) With all the talk we hear about mood disorders, and psychosis, and symptoms of this and that mental ailment, we tend to forget about the horrendous stress that is brought about by loneliness. I'm sure you're aware of it, but the doctors we go to seem to under-appreciate the weight of that condition. It's not a normal way for a human to live, and it can make a person psychotic - IMO.

When I was 30, I went to the library to research suicide. I also started reading novels, which I seldom do. The work of John Steinbeck interested me because he seemed to understand loneliness. I think great novelists can understand a lot more about life than a lot of psychiatrists do.

For someone who might have psychotic features, you sure are a very coherent, lucid person. I suspect you are intelligent. That can be a mixed blessing. Dim-wits are more easily contented than smart ones. I base that, partly, on my reading of biographies, which are about my favorite thing to read. Talented people can get pretty psychotic when they are frustrated enough. You may be a person of creativity and passion, who has not found a good outlet for your abilities.

I'm not saying that you should change your job. But there may be a lot more to you than what gets tapped into at the place where you work. This can create a misalignment in life. It can limit you from activities that allow you to fully develop, and it can narrow the circle of people that you come in contact with to people that you don't connect all that deeply with. So you're left with bumping into whoever happens to cross your path. That's what happened to me.

Something that I would recommend to you - and to myself, while I'm thinking about it - is to circulate among whatever is available in your community that attracts bright, passionate people. Political party work, Poetry Circles, Animal rescue, etc. etc. Mainly, sample a number of different things and be prepared to do some boring stuff to contribute to the group. It's hard, if you have a full-time job . . . I know that. Still, it might pay off better than going to the store to buy stuff you don't really want. That's a maybe, but I think life closes in on us when we stop experimenting with what might, or might not, enrich us. You've already figured out that you're going down blind alleys. That's a great insight to have. Risperdal might help you. But, as you point out, it might also hurt you.

If you've been able to be successful at jobs, at academic work, and at making some friends along the way, then you may be, basically, of sound mind. Still, anyone can disintegrate mentally, if they are lonely and frustrated enough. Examine the circumstances of your life, as you have been doing. I think a series of dead-end relationships means that one needs more social experience in more fruitful environments, engaged in more fruitful activities. That's actually what I'm telling myself. Also, I think it's good to expand your reading of others' experiences - whether fictional, or historical - so that you don't have to learn everything from scratch. We don't live long enough to be able to do that.

[tokiwartooth]

Actually I have iron deficiency anemia, I wonder if maybe I might have the other too. I will ask her to check it out when I go back to see her. Actually I just started a job in my field, finally, after searching for 3 years. I have a graduate degree in geology with concentration in hydrology, and I work now for a water treatment plant doing geochemical research and a biological research as well. I was tested for my IQ when I was 8 and it came back as 142. I'm guessing that's good? I never read much into it. I am very into drawing and photography as well, as you can see by my album, which is not even half of what I've done. I post most of my work on my deviantart site. I never wanted to do it professionally, but I like posting it so others might enjoy it. I haven't been much in the mood lately to take pictures though. Or draw even. I write a lot as well, but because I've been so depressed I've had horrendous writers block. I've had my poetry published, but I haven't been able to put anything good into words in over a year. I have some of that on my deviantart site as well. If you ever want to check it out, it's suvipaju.deviantart.com. Suvi-Tuuli Paju is my pen name, it's Finnish for Summer-Wind Willow. I go to live music shows at the local restaurants sometimes, and I enjoy going to coffee and tea houses around here. There are a lot around here. I live in Cullowhee, NC which is a college town, and it's not horribly far from Asheville, which is an incredibly art-centered city. It's in the mountains so it's also a great place to hike. There are several waterfalls that one can hike to around where I live. I live a stone's throw from the Appalachian Trail. It's a beautiful area. I just hate that when I get so depressed, I don't enjoy it. I can't go to the humane society and help the animals because it makes me horribly sad to see all the kitties without homes. I LOVE CATS. LOVE. CATS.

[NishQuiche92]

Paranoia? Yes, but full blown psychotic depression? it's hard to say...I am no doctor nor have I known someone with this condition...all I know is that you need to do what is best for you, and possibly looking into local support groups and talking to a doctor could help you. Sometimes I wonder if paranoia comes with the package regardless of what kind of depression you have....lol....

[Rose76]

Congratulations on finding a good job, which can be quite a struggle these days. Having majored in a science, you've undoubtedly studied statistics. With an IQ that is well more than 2 standard deviations to the right, you are highly intelligent. That can be a mixed blessing. Doing well on an IQ test tends to correlate with academic success. Unfortunately, there are a lot of good things that having a high IQ doesn't correlate with. Here is a link that takes a humorous look at the issue: http://www.cracked.com/article_19174...elligence.html

It might be good for you to read up on the topic of the special difficulties faced by people with high IQs. Those include difficulties that start right off in childhood and can lay the groundwork for loneliness and unhappiness. Sounds like you know how to set a goal and get to it. So, besides having intelligence, you have discipline.

Having been able to target some goals very effectively can make it all the more frustrating to find yourself not making much progress toward other goals that you have, like establishing an emotionally satisfying relationship. Volunteering at the Humane Society is not going to be your thing. Luckily, you have lots of varied interests and you live in an area rich with outlets for those interests. Going to music shows and coffee houses provides high quality leisure that a hard working person in a demanding job, like yourself, needs. Finding a good relationship may take getting into an activity that is more focused than what you do for leisure.

You haven't been living in a cave all your life. You've been out there mingling. So you've already figured a lot out . . . like the wisdom of not getting totally hooked up with an recovering addict/alcoholic. You have a right to select the kind of person you want to get closer to and not just settle for who you bump into. That involves real hunting. It takes advanced interpersonal skills that don't get developed by all the studying, writing, and drawing in the world. Those skills and interests make life interesting for you, and they make you an interesting person. Relating successfully to people takes a whole other area of expertise. You must have some of it already, since you are able to hold down a job. Building on what you have can take a lot of very hard work and, even, some heart ache. The alternative is worse, though, IMO.

[LucyG]

You're definately right up there near genius level with the IQ!!! Would be nice......

Where you look at water treatment plant, you might want to research the floride they put in the water [assuming your city does] as it's really a toxic witches brew of dangerous chemicals that are the left-overs from aluminum mining. You could be being exposed to a high amount of that, and it could be causing some health issues.
From pictures I've seen [can't find at the moment], people have to wear full-on HazMat suits when the dump the floride in the water.

[dugan123]

Hi to, I would encourage u to come clean with ur pdoc and ur T. We all need someone we can b totally honest with and besides they can help u with a lot of the symptoms u r talking about! Best of luck!