[angyl_amal]

My heart is weary and my spirit is wounded from the trials and pains I’ve gone through. I don’t even really know where to begin or how to get it out, but I’ll tell it as best as I can. In all honesty, I don’t even know what is wrong with me. There is something wrong with me, I am ashamed and don’t even know what I can do to be a normal person again.
Ever since elementary school, I’ve had trouble with my studies. The less interesting it would be, the more I’d have to force myself to even struggle through it, but the information wouldn’t stay in my head very well. I’ve always been forgetful of important stuff, got called a liar once because I couldn’t remember something and a family member was sure that I did know. Crying doesn’t mean that I was lying, I was unhappy that I was being scolded and called a liar. Even now, in college, I have difficulty getting high grades not because it’s difficult material, but the labor of doing something I’m not interested in always discourages me. No, I’m pretty sure I don’t have a learning disability, but this is also one of the least of my worries.
I always have felt that I should not speak things that come to my mind, because when I do, I feel shamed into wanting to have not spoken at all based on other people’s reactions. Now it’s hard for me to speak very much at all. Should I? Should I not? When should I? When should I not? I feel more safe in silence, but I also feel more lonely.
The worst of my pains is the abuse I’ve suffered in periods of my life. 4th grade through part of 5th or 6th, I was sexually molested by a family friend. My sister and I first met him and his wife when my family attended their wedding when I was small, though I barely remember it, but I remember visiting the couple on a number of occasions a while after that and always enjoyed spending time with them. He’d called me a little angel, said my sister was just silly. When it would be just me and him for some reason, he started getting sexual with me. One of the first times, he used it as a means to teach me about conceiving a baby, one other time, how to satisfy myself. At this time, the word “sex” was nowhere in my vocabulary, along with anything and everything associated with the word. Because of this, I had no idea what he was doing to me or that what he was doing was wrong, all I knew was that I was scared, embarrassed and uncomfortable with what he was doing. I didn’t like it at all. And yet, it took a long time before I could tell him that I didn’t like it and to stop. He’s never touched me since then, thank god. Unfortunately, the damage was long done.
Since that started happening, I put up my first walls and enclosed myself in the world that was my mind. Over the years, I’ve slowly become more and more of a hermit and I’ve become fearful of a number of things as I matured. I started fearing men’s thoughts and intentions, I feared telling anyone what happened, being judged, being worthy of a future husband, etc. I even got nervous from my own instincts, as the molestation triggered physical needs sooner than they should have begun. Come to find that this would soon be exploited again twice when I was 18 by someone that was a friend from my freshman year. The first time being senior prom night in a dark area just outside the building the event was held at, the second time the following August before I went to class in the morning. Fortunately, I was able to stop him that time. I wasn’t sure if I could trust him after that, but the final nail in that coffin was hammered when I found out that in the past, he’d almost gotten his then-girlfriend pregnant. I can’t even look at him in the face anymore and I feel on edge if I see him around and pray he doesn’t see me.
After about a year in school, I started to relax and felt it was ok for me to bring my guard down a bit. I had to focus on my grades because I had some GPA repair to do after taking way too many units in the spring term. I felt I was getting myself back on track. I was one year into a long-distance relationship with the man I loved more than anything, finally feeling happy, and working on getting my grades back up to par. Little did I know that letting down my guard would prove to be a mistake that fall semester, as it turned into the first of many emotionally taxing terms I would have to date. An international student I met and befriended would not think friendship was enough for him. I told him many, many times that I was in a relationship, but he would not have it; he wanted me to be his, no questions asked. It would be this semester that the sexual exploitations would be a near-daily occurrence and my virginity was taken away. I grew fearful and confused from the way he emotionally manipulated me. I skipped a day of school just to avoid it and he looked everywhere on campus for me, calling and texting me many times. I started thinking about leaving town and running away just to get away from him, but having very little money and being unable to drive, the idea was quite a long shot. I also knew that it would terrify my family if I vanished and I didn’t want to tell them what was going on with me, didn’t want them to worry about me. It finally ended that winter, but not without damage to me. I’d had one time in which I was afraid I could have been pregnant despite the many times he’d withdraw or I’d fight so much that he’d get mad and frustrated enough to nearly drop me right where I was and walk away, lighting up a cigarette.
Fear has become a major part of my emotions as well as guilt and sadness ever since. I felt I let everyone down, that I wasn’t the perfect daughter, friend or girlfriend that I strived to be. I was far, far from what I wanted to be. All these years, I’ve been unable to discuss any serious topic that applied to me; I literally cannot speak in such cases. The more serious the topic and the more directly it applies to me, the more incapable I am of speaking up. I’ve tried, but my breath and my voice would be gone. The most I could do would be to open my mouth and a split-second’s worth of sound might come out, but not enough to even say “I”. I can only write. That’s all I can do. I’ve thought about if I were to use sign language and have someone translate for me, but I don’t know how trusting I’d be to have another person brought in, or how trusting I’d be of myself to listen to the translation and not break down in a million pieces before I even say what’s wrong with me. My signing skills aren’t that advanced yet anyway, so it’s a moot point. I’ve attempted to cut myself on several occasions, some of which were unsuccessful, most of which I hesitated enough to only scratch the skin enough to break it rather than a full cut. On the other hand, for the longest time, I’ve always cut or picked at my nails so they’d be very short rather than letting them grow out. They’re not brittle or anything, nor do I bite them, but I have trouble letting them get to a decent length. I seem to do this most when I'm nervous or upset. I also have had a habit of interfering with any healing wounds, mainly scabs. Probably the closest I get to cutting would be another habit I have, which is picking at, or sometimes biting my lips when they’re even just a little dry. My family knows I did this as a child because I wasn’t good at hiding the evidence of blood, but they don’t know I still do it now. They just think I get chapped lips every now and then and that I need to keep them moisturized with chapstick.
Never in my life have I seen a psychiatrist for any reason, nor do I like the idea of going to a stranger for a one-on-one discussion of my personal issues without anonymity. I feel like a lot of my life has been a masquerade and I keep waiting for midnight, when everyone would remove their masks and show their real faces.
Sorry for how long this is, but it's the best I can do.

[f.reliant]

My heart breaks for you. A lot of pain there. A lot of stuff to deal with. But I got say, I'm glad you are reaching out. It might be a good time to see someone though. It is very hard to discuss personal issues with a stranger, but it all goes to how much is enough. Sounds like you are ready for a positve change.

I think many of us here can atest to the benefit of seeing someone professionally. When I first started seeing someone, I was cautioned that I might feel even worse before I started feeling better. Opening old wounds and all. Seeing a professional and possibibly going on medicine doen't fix all aspects of our lives. It does, God willing, help us attain the ability to cope with life's issues and stressors. A strong support system is essential! I know...easier said than achieved.

I've gone thru stuff alone and with professional help. With help is better!

I see that like me, you are a newer member. I hope at the very least, you will continue to visit PC. You are not alone.

[Leed]

Bless your heart -- You've been thru a lot of trauma. And like f.reliant said, talking to a trained professional is the right thing to do. I KNOW you said you don't want to -- but believe me, you need to!

You've been carrying around this hurt and pain for many many years, and it's time to give it to someone else to dispose of. You can't continue to carry this anyone. It's not enough to tell US -- although that helps. But we can't really dispose of it for you -- we aren't trained to tell you how to REALLY put it to rest so that it won't rise again to haunt you. You need someone who can teach you how to bury this so it won't badger you ever again! And you have to KNOW that NONE of this is your fault - you may be blaming yourself without even knowing it. So self-forgiveness is part of the whole thing too!

Please get a referral to a good therapist -- it may be difficult at first, but once you feel comfortable with him/her, you'll be glad you went. I've been thru therapy, and it made me feel like the weight of the world was llfted from my shoulders. I hope you will think about it -- ridding of yourself from this nightmare is very important for your mental health.

God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[angyl_amal]

Thanks guys. I know it's not absolutely everything that's been going on with me, but I think it's enough to show that I am struggling. Yes, I want a positive change, I want things to be normal again, I want to be happy, truly happy.
I don't want to be put on medications if I can avoid it. I know that probably would make things harder for me for recovery, but I don't want to have to rely on drugs to feel better, plus it'd be another cost I'd probably be unable to afford. My family has no idea about any of the trauma I've gone through, and I don't feel ready to tell them either. I'm going to look into the counselors at my school first, as I believe that's covered under the health fees that we all pay. The less I have to worry about money, the better. Being a college student, money's tight. Plus, my mother has access to my account to help me monitor it in case something weird happens or for any transfers that are needed between our accounts. So she'd notice if I started paying for therapy sessions or medicine, and that would raise some questions, which I don't want. I have had the thought of counseling in my mind for a little while now, I'm just afraid of what to expect.
Thanks again for your support, means a lot to me.

[SmileAlways25]

Dear All . Thanks a lot for supporting angyl_amal . as a friend of her Im sure you all will be a huge support for her .

I know Angyl online from years now and I believe we are really good friends as we talk a lot about most of things we struggle in day-to-day life . and I want to tell you more about Angyl .. she is an AMAZING loving person really amazing friend . caring . yes sometimes talking to her you feel the sadness in her words but you also can feel the loving personality and caring friend .

Now I want to talk to angyl about using drug . sometimes at start you need to use drug for period of time as it help you go to the next step in becoming better person . I did for few months took some drugs but I always put in my mind and tell the doctor this is like pain killer . for only period of time then i will live my life without it . which how I'm right now

Im not in the states so I don't know really how things can be . i mean about going and talk to doctor in angyl case as a student . that why i really hope you guys can help her find a solution . I really hope she can get the help she needed here in the forum and angyl can bileave her self more and see how amazing and great person she is

Thanks again

[Leed]

Hi Angyl ~ I hope you DO talk to the counselors at school. They are trained also to help with alot of problems. And it is confidential -- they won't tell your parents, so you don't have to worry about that.

It will be a good first step in ridding yourself of some of this garbage that you've been carrying. No one can continue lugging this stuff around forever, and I'm sure it's affecting your school work too. So please do it as soon as possible, ok? And we'll be here too for you to talk to.

Keep us posted, ok? And feel free to private message me - or whomever. I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[angyl_amal]

Masha'Allah, shokran ya habibi! You have no idea how much that means to me. You're one of the best friends I've known and I feel so lucky to have met you. I can't thank you enough for how much you've been there for me, even if I couldn't say anything or if all I could say were the same thing again and again, and how patient you've been with me whenever I'm down. You're a blessing I probably don't deserve, but am overjoyed to have in my life. Shokran, for everything.
Lee, I'm not concerned about the counselors telling anyone, as doctors have that doctor/patient confidentiality stuff, I'm more concerned about my family finding out by other means. I am a college student, but I live with my parents and I don't drive yet (that factor should change in the near future, hopefully), so a lot of my plans have to be made around everyone else's plans in order for them to work. Plus, as I mentioned before, my mother is able to monitor my bank account, so she'd notice if I started making payments for something unusual and that would raise some questions.
Cost is another concern I have. If I go to the counselors at school, then I don't think I have to worry about paying for therapy sessions with them, but for any medications or anything else I may have to pay for. Not only would it be noticed in my accounts, but I have no idea if I can afford them or not.
Also with medications, I worry about having to depend on them or potential side effects they may have on me.
I do hope to get in contact with a counselor as soon as I can. Hopefully everything pans out well sooner rather than later.
Thanks again guys.

[regretful]

When you do get in touch with a counselor, take the time to put the ball back in your court. There are many well-meaning therapists who will go right for the jugular, so to speak, by digging deep into your traumatic experiences. I think that is a bad idea because it will only re-traumatize you. Let the therapist know only what you feel comfortable letting them know, then slowly develop a sense of trust with that person. These traumatic experiences that you wrote about have been with you for what sound like years, and the negative after effects have also been builiding for years. Do not jump right into revealing everything in the first session...you'll know that you have a good therapist when that person tells you to stop telling your story and reminds you to slow down.

As for medications, there are many MD's who are sympathetic to the cost factor, so see if the person you go to for treatment can offer you sample medication packs. And don't worry about depending on them forever; use them for the time that it is necessary; don't read anything about the side-effects other than the major ones that can really harm you.

Good luck with your recovery. I know from my experience as a clinician (not practicing now due to a major depressive episode so I cannot ethically see myself as providing quality treatment to anyone) that trauma victims do get better.

[angyl_amal]

For the first time, I told one of my teachers that I may be depressed - I'm amazed the words even came out of my mouth, but they did and he's willing to be flexible with me so I have a better chance of passing the class in a few weeks. My hands were shaking like crazy, I had to keep telling myself to not break down in front of him and I had trouble keeping my words straight, but for once, someone knows what's really going on with me and why I'm struggling in class. He mentioned the services available and thinks that they are covered by the health fees.
It's not depending on meds forever that makes me nervous, it's having to depend on them at all just to feel better. I just want to be me again, I just want to be normal again. Not taking medications just to take the edge off the pain.

[whimsygirl]

Sorry for all you're going through. While I understand that you'd rather not depend on medications (I think ideally none of us would prefer it if we didn't need to take them)....I hope you will reconsider and at least give them a chance. When dealing with such a complex situation as depression....just my opinion....it is important to try everything that might possibly help, and many, many people find relief with one or more of the many options out there. And as regretful says, if you find a compassionate provider who is willing to work with you they may be more affordable than you're thinking. Maybe it's worth a try. Best of luck to you.....

[adel34]

Angel, I'm so glad you joined this forum!
First of all, from the first line of your post I was struck by what an amazing writer you are. You might have trouble physically speaking, but your writing voice is incredibly strong. You have a very precise way of saying things that draws the reader in to know exactly how you're feeling.
I'm so sorry about the abuse you suffered, both in your childhood and now in college. Know you never deserved that!
I agree with you actually. I'm not sure going and trying to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist would be the best approach for you though I think you could use some help.
Have you ever heard of expressive arts therapy? It's a set of creative arts therapy approaches that use, art drama, dance, music, movement and yes Writing! to help people heal and work through issues. I think any one of these approaches would be useful for you, as they often are for those that have trouble putting things into words and physically speaking.
I think that eventually the question of when to speak or not speak could be something for you to explore, but certainly not right away. Starting where you are and working from there is important.
Know that we're all here on the forum for support. And I look forward to reading more of you're wonderful writing!
If you want more information on expressive arts therapy just let me know, and I can either post it here or you can PM me or I can give you my personal e-mail.
`

[laralula]

(((((angyl))))) sorry I missed this post before... I identify so closely with you... please know you are not alone and if you are not ready for t yet, stick with pc... you will get there hon

[angyl_amal]

Thanks Laralula, I do plan to stick with PC for a little while, at least as a step towards therapy. This place has been pretty helpful in the short time I've been here so far, I'm so glad I found this place.
Whimsygirl, I agree that I want to check every possible option that I can find. I just hope I don't have to resort to medications. I'll at least keep it in mind and discuss it with the doctor, whoever I end up going to. We'll see what happens, I guess.
Adel34, I really like your idea for art therapy. I don't know why, but when it comes to major topics, whether it be my personal life or something else equally serious, words can come spilling from my fingers as much as I want, but my voice? Not so much. I've been in choir throughout school until I got into college and that was always the best part of my school days. The music and the feeling of being like a family was by far the thing I looked forward to the most. Even when my other classes were just craptastic, that hour in the day could make me forget what was going on away from the music notes. I've also been attempting to improve my poetry skills over time. I haven't been able to write very much, but I have gotten some good marks for some of my work. I'm also trying out my first story, which is going a little slower than I thought it would. I noticed a "creative corner" here earlier, I'm thinking of checking that out a bit. I've also learned a little of ballroom dance, and loved every minute of it. My sister's an avid participant in this case and I've always wanted to be able to improve and be a better dancer myself. Thanks a lot for the information you sent me. I'll be replying to your message next.
Thanks again guys

[angyl_amal]

Okay, so I just sent an email to a counselor with the school health office while I was in class about an hour ago. I feel so nervous....

[regretful]

Originally Posted by angyl_amal

Okay, so I just sent an email to a counselor with the school health office while I was in class about an hour ago. I feel so nervous....

I'm sure that took a ton of courage, but it's an excellent first step on the road to healing. I do hope that you find a supportive counselor. And when you get into counseling, I suggest taking it very slow. Remember, you only tell them what you feel safe to say. There's no time-table for healing.

Best to you.

[angyl_amal]

Thanks guys.
Okay, it's official - I have an appointment set up for August 22nd at 10:50 after class. Sooooo nervous!

[angyl_amal]

I am just about to send an email to my mother telling her that I have depression issues. Not only do I not like the idea of her reading it while she's at work (only time I can get around to sending it), but I'm also really scared of what'll happen after she does read it.
Ya Rab, have mercy...

[angyl_amal]

Sent it....

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by angyl_amal

I am just about to send an email to my mother telling her that I have depression issues. Not only do I not like the idea of her reading it while she's at work (only time I can get around to sending it), but I'm also really scared of what'll happen after she does read it.
Ya Rab, have mercy...

Good luck to you.....

[regretful]

You'll do fine...Remember that therapy with things like this is NOT a race, and you don't have to get everything out in one session. Take it slowly, and only disclose what you're comfortable with - if you have the thought, "I probably shouldn't say this yet", then don't say it. You only have to tell the therapsit what you want. A lot of therapy with trauma is regaining control over your life...PM me if you'd like, I have a lot more thoughts on this.

Best to you!

Originally Posted by angyl_amal

Thanks guys.
Okay, it's official - I have an appointment set up for August 22nd at 10:50 after class. Sooooo nervous!

[angyl_amal]

Thanks guys. I've gone to several sessions, but I haven't been able to say a lot of things, even if I wanted to. Haven't been feeling any better yet either, so I'm feeling pretty frustrated.

[Corvid]

That is amazing, I have to give you props for going to your sessions. It took me FOREVER to see someone. You don't have to say anything yet. Therapists are used to this, and don't want you to feel pressured. You should be proud of yourself. I know the anxiety of going in to a stranger, trying to decide if I could trust them, opening up and actually being completely misunderstood by a professional, and forcing myself to *make* myself understood. This is your *right*. Your experiences belong to you, but they don't *make* you, and it is YOUR RIGHT to talk about them. It's going to take a lot of time to feel better. I don't usually at all when I leave, I just feel relieved that the session is over, but that's my issue with other people. The fact that you posted this as a confession, when it's not your fault at all - what happened to you is not your fault, how you feel is not your fault, what you are and aren't isn't your fault either. You are blameless, even for the things you think you've done wrong, no one can judge you. No one wants to judge you. I do hope that your therapist can help you, though. Good luck.

[RJ78]

Hi Angyl,

I'm glad to hear that you've been to several sessions, that's a good start. I know not feeling better can be quite frustrating, but remember that we generally feel better incrementally.

Did you ever follow up on making a doctor's appointment? I resisted taking medications for four very hard years, I was suicidal and felt lots of despair. I resisted mostly because I was scared and saw it as a failure as a human being. I take meds now and I regret all of that suffering pre-meds, things are much easier to deal with for me now. I think you should at least discuss your options with a physician when you get a chance. But whatever you decide must come from you.

Good luck, keep posting!

RJ